Illusion
Don't Bother me, Can't you see I am busy.....18 total reviews
Comment from watergirl
So closely seated but yet so far away - you do this topic justice, and talk of the distance between people and the grasp of electronic worlds upon the human mind. No free flow or creativity here.
Very well done.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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So closely seated but yet so far away - you do this topic justice, and talk of the distance between people and the grasp of electronic worlds upon the human mind. No free flow or creativity here.
Very well done.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I see this story repeated everyday and it is quite a revelation about the human disconnect. May your bucket stay full to the top watergirl! MM
Comment from dancerwriter
This is a very long poem saying so much, that it leaves one in confusion. Is it because of mobile phones that life has changed with so many always mesmerised to look down at them, or does it concern you that everyone is just tooo busy with their lives to be bothered.Without love or attention so many would be lost in a world full of machines and devices. Most families do not realise this. Lesley.J.Mooney(Dancerwriter)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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This is a very long poem saying so much, that it leaves one in confusion. Is it because of mobile phones that life has changed with so many always mesmerised to look down at them, or does it concern you that everyone is just tooo busy with their lives to be bothered.Without love or attention so many would be lost in a world full of machines and devices. Most families do not realise this. Lesley.J.Mooney(Dancerwriter)
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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As you twirl on the dance floor, think about what you are thinking about: do I have a text I have missed or who do I need to call or do I simply need to drop a thank you note in the mail for a recent kindness. The closer electronics bring us the further apart we become to each other...look around you at the mall or restaurant or even in church now and see who is detached from detached where they are....the present is people not anything else. Thank you for the read. MM
Comment from Dom G Robles
I like the theme but not much on the rhyme. The first stanza and last stanza, I think, were alright, but the others, seemed quite forced or were not pleasantly rhymed. The 3rd stanza, table and cradle, the 6th, away and hey, four and door...Just a few examples, hence the rating of 5.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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I like the theme but not much on the rhyme. The first stanza and last stanza, I think, were alright, but the others, seemed quite forced or were not pleasantly rhymed. The 3rd stanza, table and cradle, the 6th, away and hey, four and door...Just a few examples, hence the rating of 5.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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Thank you Dom. My goal is to get the message out there as to what we are becoming....a nation of 'no contact'....mossmouse
Comment from Earl of Oxford
Hi, mossmouse.
This is an excellent write, but I'm a stickler for regular meter in rhymed/structured poetry, as without it, as here, I find the read rather jumpy. Meter, IMO, adds so much to flow and smoothness of read.
Here's an example of a well-metered line in your poem - so long as the reader pronounces 'FAM-i-LY' as THREE syllables, as I do:
'i-WATCH-the-FAM-i-LY-of-FOUR-as-COFF-ee-COOLS'
You have perfect iambic meter here, where you start the line with an unemphasised syllable, and follow with an alternating pattern - [da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM etc] - the 'das' being the unemphasised syllables and the 'DUMS' being the EMPHASISED syllables.
Some writers don't bother getting the hang of meter, but it's really very easy, and after a short while, you'll find your head nodding to the alternate emphasised syllables as you write.
I hope that's of some use, and thanks for the read.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi, mossmouse.
This is an excellent write, but I'm a stickler for regular meter in rhymed/structured poetry, as without it, as here, I find the read rather jumpy. Meter, IMO, adds so much to flow and smoothness of read.
Here's an example of a well-metered line in your poem - so long as the reader pronounces 'FAM-i-LY' as THREE syllables, as I do:
'i-WATCH-the-FAM-i-LY-of-FOUR-as-COFF-ee-COOLS'
You have perfect iambic meter here, where you start the line with an unemphasised syllable, and follow with an alternating pattern - [da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM etc] - the 'das' being the unemphasised syllables and the 'DUMS' being the EMPHASISED syllables.
Some writers don't bother getting the hang of meter, but it's really very easy, and after a short while, you'll find your head nodding to the alternate emphasised syllables as you write.
I hope that's of some use, and thanks for the read.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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See, you are so much smarter than me, being an Earl and all. I write a poem now and then because it is sometimes easier and more effective to get to a point rather than 1000 words of prose. I penned this sitting out for coffee as I watched a family of four. I guess I need to pay more attention to the craft as well as what I want to say. I seem to need to rename this piece "The Great Iambic Murder." Thank you...I will work harder at this...your words were most helpful. I am going to become a fan, so there. Mossmouse
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Thanks for your fun and gracious reply, Mossmouse. Ray x
Comment from Gladness
I enjoy your writings very much. I too am concerned about all the ways electronics take focus away form where it should be. To many times people have chosen a "live" game over a live person. I know of one married couple who, after more than 20 years, split up due to the electronic addiction of one of them.
To bad that family of four wasn't praying.
Thanks for another good read.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2012
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I enjoy your writings very much. I too am concerned about all the ways electronics take focus away form where it should be. To many times people have chosen a "live" game over a live person. I know of one married couple who, after more than 20 years, split up due to the electronic addiction of one of them.
To bad that family of four wasn't praying.
Thanks for another good read.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2012
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It is always great to hear from you. Thanks for the kind words and I hope to have a new story up soon. I am pretty sure I sent your "better" half and email a while back but I guess he did not see it yet....Have an awesome Day,
Comment from Bobbi22
In this electronic world, personal contact is so distant - even with those sitting right next to you. Very good message in this poem.
You have the word lives back to back on these lines - last line of second stanza and first line of third stanza - you might want to change this for a better flow.
No smiles, no words came from these lives
Lives so close together, sitting at a table
The heart, nor sear the soul. -- not sure how this fits here.
Overall, this is a very well written poem.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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In this electronic world, personal contact is so distant - even with those sitting right next to you. Very good message in this poem.
You have the word lives back to back on these lines - last line of second stanza and first line of third stanza - you might want to change this for a better flow.
No smiles, no words came from these lives
Lives so close together, sitting at a table
The heart, nor sear the soul. -- not sure how this fits here.
Overall, this is a very well written poem.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Thanks for your review and observations; there should have been a comma after the first "lives" which I will add a little later today. I always appreciate the comments from everyone as it helps to make us all better...have an awesome day Mr. Pics...again, thank you. Mossmouse
Comment from Doc Holiday
Sometimes the happiest times we had as a family was when the power was out. We played board games by candlelight, we camped in the backyard. We talked to each other. Maybe you can accidently hit the circuit-breaker box and have one for your very own...hmmm. I won't tell!
Well written poem!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Sometimes the happiest times we had as a family was when the power was out. We played board games by candlelight, we camped in the backyard. We talked to each other. Maybe you can accidently hit the circuit-breaker box and have one for your very own...hmmm. I won't tell!
Well written poem!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Used to live in Doc Holiday's home town Mr. Doc...Board games took up most of my summer nights growing up from checkers to monopoly to Uncle Wiggly to Parchesi to Battleship but now if it doesn't run on batteries there are no takers. Still have all these and may break them out when I go home next week. Thank you for your comments and may you have a "battery powered game free day!" Mossmouse
Comment from BadEducation
Unusual poem of illusion, at first read I was confused, at the second I started to see, and the third attempt I finally saw the light. A world without communication is an illusionary world. I liked it. I should I read it three times.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Unusual poem of illusion, at first read I was confused, at the second I started to see, and the third attempt I finally saw the light. A world without communication is an illusionary world. I liked it. I should I read it three times.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Every thing on this planet that stops working the owner, manager,coach,CEO or whatever always goes back to the fundamentals; as should we. Fundamentals of communication: Hi, how are you, May I help or even "Would you like to talk". They say the 3rd time is the charm and I guess it is still true. Thanks for persevering and reading. That's how you turn a bad education into a great and good one my friend! Mossmouse
Comment from reconciled
Hello Prophet -smile-....wonderful poem... a brilliant observation translated to word...and you do it exceptionally well. love Michael
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Hello Prophet -smile-....wonderful poem... a brilliant observation translated to word...and you do it exceptionally well. love Michael
Comment Written 01-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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How have you been kind Sir! I have read all your stuff late;y but I ordered a new book listing "superlative" words and it hasn't come in yet. As always, thank you for the most kind words Mr. Mike...hope this day finds you blessed beyond human measure and keep it between the lines. Mossmouse
Comment from Glasstruth
Electronic devices have won the battle so far. Profits rule over logic. When you're in a crowd of friends, but you want to text other friends instead who aren't available, usually over silly chat. How insane! Your poem cleverly expresses this in rhyme while telling astory. Great job! Les
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Electronic devices have won the battle so far. Profits rule over logic. When you're in a crowd of friends, but you want to text other friends instead who aren't available, usually over silly chat. How insane! Your poem cleverly expresses this in rhyme while telling astory. Great job! Les
Comment Written 01-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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To quote that old adage: All it takes to forfeit the victory is for good men to do nothing ( a paraphrase )so we all possess the ability to get plugged back i nto human interaction...it is the choice that is the hurdle. Thank you for the great review and I will wander over and cruise thru a few of your musings this week. Blessings on your life Mr. Les......Mossmouse