The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Several meetings planned."A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
4 total reviews
Comment from bowls
I like the give and take here between the two men. Obviously, neither will be able to hide anything from the other. I think you do an excellent job creating a tension between them only to be broken by Sean's light-hearted salute. Instead of "minuets" of mosques, do you mean "minarets"?
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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I like the give and take here between the two men. Obviously, neither will be able to hide anything from the other. I think you do an excellent job creating a tension between them only to be broken by Sean's light-hearted salute. Instead of "minuets" of mosques, do you mean "minarets"?
Comment Written 30-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2012
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Thanks for your comments, and pointing out my gaff!
Comment from Wes Guptill
From a baseline perspective, this book seems to be a middle-of-the-roader, fair in most regards. There is a level of intrigue that I feel is building in the story, and the complex machinery of diplomacy and international politics is present enough to create genuine conflict. The characters seem fleshed-out and interesting to some degree. These things are a good foundation for a well-written novel; but, I feel from reading a couple of segments of it, that the pacing, the phrasing, and the convolutions of fact and perspective are holding it back from being a greater work.
On the topic of phrasing, I read several paragraphs and even a few phrases that were encumbered with excessive wording, and even some redundant descriptions (see the descriptions of the panoramic window and the dining hall...) that, overall made the larger body of the text clumsy. I felt, in a few spots, as if I were wading through the story rather than immersing myselfr in the work. Spy and intrigue type works, especially ones that rely on speculative materials, must rely on the quick pace and flow of the story. If it lags with bulky writing or heavy jargon, then it will quickly lose appeal. Too, knowing one's subject, particularly the topics which are near-and-dear to a lot of readers (and they will be fact-checking your work, and, if not pin-point accurate, will definite pan a work of fiction that takes too many liberties with facts and history. I say this because of your focus on the Moussad and other elite operations units, which is something that will draw a great load of scorn from readers. I am a former member of a US Navy special operations unit, and my experiences in various theaters of activity where multinational forces were present tell me that the scheme of action in this chapter (and I suspect subsequent chapters) is more than just a little off-point. I know that it is a work of fiction, but fiction does have to carry a certain degree of believability. Some research might be in order in order to provide tighter, more accurate depictions of military and intelligence activity.
Another point of confusion I encountered was in your use of an odd first person perspective. I mean this: I am reading the work, thinking that the narrative voice is third person omniscient, and then all of a sudden I come to a point where it is quite clearly stated that a first person perspective is at work. It was even more disorienting when the 'I' voice was relaying conversations and events that had transpired between Sean and Joshua when there was no probable or possible way for that individual to have had such first-hand knowledge as to the
occurrences and conversations that went on outside of that individual's presence. It only works if that person were to have every location and every person under microscopic scrutiny. This just does not work, and it becomes a serious factor in readability and the integrity of the novel. Perhaps a return to a static third person objective perspective would put things back 'on the rails' here. I know how easy it is for this to happen; it must have happened to me dozens of times when I began my first, second, and even third novel manuscript. Someone, fortunately for my sake, and the sake of my story, caught the slip-up and advised me on how to repair the issue. I just thought I'd re-pay their aid by offering the same to you.
Well, I have hit upon most, if not all, of the points that I observed. Please bear in mind that I am not an authority on all things literary, and that I am offering only informed opinion (but opinion, nonetheless...) and observation. I hope that this review helps you, and does not undermine your confidence and progress with this work. I do not endorse, EVER, harming or fostering disenchantment in a writer; I am only trying to help my fellow writers. Ultimately, this is your work, so it is yours alone (until it goes to an agent, editor, or publisher, that is...), so do what you will with the work. I do wish you well with this and all of your pursuits.
Best wishes...
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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From a baseline perspective, this book seems to be a middle-of-the-roader, fair in most regards. There is a level of intrigue that I feel is building in the story, and the complex machinery of diplomacy and international politics is present enough to create genuine conflict. The characters seem fleshed-out and interesting to some degree. These things are a good foundation for a well-written novel; but, I feel from reading a couple of segments of it, that the pacing, the phrasing, and the convolutions of fact and perspective are holding it back from being a greater work.
On the topic of phrasing, I read several paragraphs and even a few phrases that were encumbered with excessive wording, and even some redundant descriptions (see the descriptions of the panoramic window and the dining hall...) that, overall made the larger body of the text clumsy. I felt, in a few spots, as if I were wading through the story rather than immersing myselfr in the work. Spy and intrigue type works, especially ones that rely on speculative materials, must rely on the quick pace and flow of the story. If it lags with bulky writing or heavy jargon, then it will quickly lose appeal. Too, knowing one's subject, particularly the topics which are near-and-dear to a lot of readers (and they will be fact-checking your work, and, if not pin-point accurate, will definite pan a work of fiction that takes too many liberties with facts and history. I say this because of your focus on the Moussad and other elite operations units, which is something that will draw a great load of scorn from readers. I am a former member of a US Navy special operations unit, and my experiences in various theaters of activity where multinational forces were present tell me that the scheme of action in this chapter (and I suspect subsequent chapters) is more than just a little off-point. I know that it is a work of fiction, but fiction does have to carry a certain degree of believability. Some research might be in order in order to provide tighter, more accurate depictions of military and intelligence activity.
Another point of confusion I encountered was in your use of an odd first person perspective. I mean this: I am reading the work, thinking that the narrative voice is third person omniscient, and then all of a sudden I come to a point where it is quite clearly stated that a first person perspective is at work. It was even more disorienting when the 'I' voice was relaying conversations and events that had transpired between Sean and Joshua when there was no probable or possible way for that individual to have had such first-hand knowledge as to the
occurrences and conversations that went on outside of that individual's presence. It only works if that person were to have every location and every person under microscopic scrutiny. This just does not work, and it becomes a serious factor in readability and the integrity of the novel. Perhaps a return to a static third person objective perspective would put things back 'on the rails' here. I know how easy it is for this to happen; it must have happened to me dozens of times when I began my first, second, and even third novel manuscript. Someone, fortunately for my sake, and the sake of my story, caught the slip-up and advised me on how to repair the issue. I just thought I'd re-pay their aid by offering the same to you.
Well, I have hit upon most, if not all, of the points that I observed. Please bear in mind that I am not an authority on all things literary, and that I am offering only informed opinion (but opinion, nonetheless...) and observation. I hope that this review helps you, and does not undermine your confidence and progress with this work. I do not endorse, EVER, harming or fostering disenchantment in a writer; I am only trying to help my fellow writers. Ultimately, this is your work, so it is yours alone (until it goes to an agent, editor, or publisher, that is...), so do what you will with the work. I do wish you well with this and all of your pursuits.
Best wishes...
Comment Written 30-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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Thank you very much for your kind and honest comments. I am learning every day, and hope to improve.
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I have made some small alterations to the scene-setting text, and tried to separate John's conversation with Sean on the phone.
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Regarding Mossad, I did do a fair amount of research, and feel that I have only taken few fictional liberties. I may be wrong!
Comment from TammyGail
This made for a great read
well written and expressed
keeping my att throughout
your closing was prefect
making the reader want more
thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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This made for a great read
well written and expressed
keeping my att throughout
your closing was prefect
making the reader want more
thanks for sharing
Comment Written 30-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your comment and continuing read.
Comment from Ralph Miller
From one grandfather to another. Yes, I quite enjoyed that although I'd have to read a lot more to really put it into context. Always the way. I'm posting bits of my book regularly and understand the drawbacks with that.
Ralph (Ausralia)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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From one grandfather to another. Yes, I quite enjoyed that although I'd have to read a lot more to really put it into context. Always the way. I'm posting bits of my book regularly and understand the drawbacks with that.
Ralph (Ausralia)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your kind words.