The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Fourth Floor at GOSH "A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
6 total reviews
Comment from Taurean Monkey
Hi Vigournet
I enjoyed reading your chapter, admittedly, I'm coming to the party late (nothing new there, I'm afraid). I hope you don't mind, but I've offered a few suggestions below, which you can ignore or consider (hope you don't take offence, as none is intended)
You could lose one of the two 'and's in this sentence (if you wanted to) without losing the meaning in any way:
She appeared to have an Eastern European visage, brown eyes [and - replace with a comma] slim nose and tanned complexion yet spoke in a North American accent, with a Texan twang.
You've got an unintentional line break here:
She is on the second year of James course at[]
College. Her friends call her "Aly. I think James likes her.[delete the space here]"
Once I [popped] my head round his bedroom door and [bewilderingly] saw a room full of computers and peripherals.
(I'd probably keep the tenses the same: Once I popped... & bewildered or popping and bewilderingly)
On his two pine desks surfaces there were hubs [and - you could delete this and replace with a comma] modems, cables galore, peripherals and two laptops (then you've only got one 'and' in the same sentence)
You need a space between again and Decided: Asking James what he was doing I received a strange stupefying look. I didn't ask again.Decided at 23 years old that he should go to college was "one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind."
You've got a rogue speech mark here:
He could "sleep with the fishes", "Sean added
I stumbled just a little over this section:
Two things were against that idea. Firstly we had three lakes. Two we stocked with fish and the larger lake we used for boating and swimming.
When we bought Twemlow Hall, we had debated whether to build a swimming pool. There were two reasons we decided against it in the end. Firstly, we had three lakes - two we stocked with fish and the larger lake we used for boating and swimming. There was an abundance of water for recreational swimming, albeit not heated.
The second reason was that Becky had heard that one of the Liverpool footballer's girlfriends, who lived nearby, had regretted having their pool built.
Late night partying and frolics was more likely (to encourage) hangers-on
Warm regards, TM
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2012
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Hi Vigournet
I enjoyed reading your chapter, admittedly, I'm coming to the party late (nothing new there, I'm afraid). I hope you don't mind, but I've offered a few suggestions below, which you can ignore or consider (hope you don't take offence, as none is intended)
You could lose one of the two 'and's in this sentence (if you wanted to) without losing the meaning in any way:
She appeared to have an Eastern European visage, brown eyes [and - replace with a comma] slim nose and tanned complexion yet spoke in a North American accent, with a Texan twang.
You've got an unintentional line break here:
She is on the second year of James course at[]
College. Her friends call her "Aly. I think James likes her.[delete the space here]"
Once I [popped] my head round his bedroom door and [bewilderingly] saw a room full of computers and peripherals.
(I'd probably keep the tenses the same: Once I popped... & bewildered or popping and bewilderingly)
On his two pine desks surfaces there were hubs [and - you could delete this and replace with a comma] modems, cables galore, peripherals and two laptops (then you've only got one 'and' in the same sentence)
You need a space between again and Decided: Asking James what he was doing I received a strange stupefying look. I didn't ask again.Decided at 23 years old that he should go to college was "one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind."
You've got a rogue speech mark here:
He could "sleep with the fishes", "Sean added
I stumbled just a little over this section:
Two things were against that idea. Firstly we had three lakes. Two we stocked with fish and the larger lake we used for boating and swimming.
When we bought Twemlow Hall, we had debated whether to build a swimming pool. There were two reasons we decided against it in the end. Firstly, we had three lakes - two we stocked with fish and the larger lake we used for boating and swimming. There was an abundance of water for recreational swimming, albeit not heated.
The second reason was that Becky had heard that one of the Liverpool footballer's girlfriends, who lived nearby, had regretted having their pool built.
Late night partying and frolics was more likely (to encourage) hangers-on
Warm regards, TM
Comment Written 23-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your comments and excellent advice. Please do not worry about making suggestions, I want to improve!
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Thanks for your kind response, vigournet, I appreciate that you accepted the feedback in the spirit in which it was intended. Have a good day, warm regards, TM
Comment from mk
just jumped in here on the story, but will catch up..its fun, well written, interesting characters and lots going on at all times..smile
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2012
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just jumped in here on the story, but will catch up..its fun, well written, interesting characters and lots going on at all times..smile
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2012
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Thank you for your kind comments.
Comment from Ralph Miller
Generally good writing in my humble opinion. It's always a bit hard to do a propper review when reading a small portion of someone's book. I'm in the same boat with my posts. One bit I would have written differently, and this may be just me, but, "Asking James what he was doing I recieved a strange and stupefying look. I did not inquire again about what he did." That second sentence reads over-wordy to me. I would write, "I didn't ask again."
All the best
Ralph
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Generally good writing in my humble opinion. It's always a bit hard to do a propper review when reading a small portion of someone's book. I'm in the same boat with my posts. One bit I would have written differently, and this may be just me, but, "Asking James what he was doing I recieved a strange and stupefying look. I did not inquire again about what he did." That second sentence reads over-wordy to me. I would write, "I didn't ask again."
All the best
Ralph
Comment Written 20-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your review. I know it is hard to read a chapter, and try to work out what has happened, I find it hard anyway! I appreciate your advice, and will amend the passage.
Comment from Shirley B
I love the introduction of Aly. Something tells me she will be very important very soon. Your description of her was excellent. I, not only saw her I could hear her.(I live by Texas.) I am enjoying your story. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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I love the introduction of Aly. Something tells me she will be very important very soon. Your description of her was excellent. I, not only saw her I could hear her.(I live by Texas.) I am enjoying your story. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 20-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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thank you for your kind words. I am encouraged to hear that my characters have life. Aly will be a large asset to the family.
Comment from bowls
Ah, a few more very interesting characters have been added to the cast! Clever of you not to have thrown them all at us at once. This Aly in particular sounds like she might be significant in the plot development (just a guess on my part). Just a few little details: In the first sentence, "James' fellow students". In the second paragraph,"logo". In paragraph five, "James' course". If you don't mind my saying, I thought your narrator's comment about James becoming a man and learning to drive was a bit out of character. The words seem cutting and demeaning (even if spoken to himself) and this man doesn't seem to be the type to think that way. Of course, you know your character far better than I do.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Ah, a few more very interesting characters have been added to the cast! Clever of you not to have thrown them all at us at once. This Aly in particular sounds like she might be significant in the plot development (just a guess on my part). Just a few little details: In the first sentence, "James' fellow students". In the second paragraph,"logo". In paragraph five, "James' course". If you don't mind my saying, I thought your narrator's comment about James becoming a man and learning to drive was a bit out of character. The words seem cutting and demeaning (even if spoken to himself) and this man doesn't seem to be the type to think that way. Of course, you know your character far better than I do.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Hi, thanks for your insightful comments and advice. I will certainly take them on board. John does have a "catharsis" about James in a later chapter! And yes Aly does play a good part in my plot.
Comment from ScarletClearwater
Again, when Sean asks, write it as dialogue. Don't be afraid of it, it's your friend. There is a bit of dialogue in this piece and it moves a bit better than the last. Your descriptions are very well penned. Great job!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Again, when Sean asks, write it as dialogue. Don't be afraid of it, it's your friend. There is a bit of dialogue in this piece and it moves a bit better than the last. Your descriptions are very well penned. Great job!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your comments and advice.