The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Caleb's Diary"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
4 total reviews
Comment from LancsLass
Hello, coming along nicely with enough intrigue to want the reader to continue.
Just a few things:
'He often used it to justify anything.'
Either, he used it to justify anything, or, he often used it to justify something.
'I did not want to portray conflict with his assessment via my body-language'
May just be me but I didn't understand this on first read.
I did not want to portray conflict with his assessment through my body language. Or,
I did not want my body language to conflict with his assessment of me, perhaps?
'"Well I must admit, Simeon, that I was very shocked to hear your brother relate your story," (I stated.")'
Don't need, you set this up at the end of the last sentence/para.
"Please do not be worried, Mr Morgan. We have not been prying," (he interjected,)"
Don't need.
'Joseph travels Europe selling flowers, which he feels gives cheer'
Does he mean the flowers or the selling? Flowers 'give', selling 'gives'.
'By the way, [what] is happening in Somalia?"'
Good job and on to the next chapter, Anna
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2012
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Hello, coming along nicely with enough intrigue to want the reader to continue.
Just a few things:
'He often used it to justify anything.'
Either, he used it to justify anything, or, he often used it to justify something.
'I did not want to portray conflict with his assessment via my body-language'
May just be me but I didn't understand this on first read.
I did not want to portray conflict with his assessment through my body language. Or,
I did not want my body language to conflict with his assessment of me, perhaps?
'"Well I must admit, Simeon, that I was very shocked to hear your brother relate your story," (I stated.")'
Don't need, you set this up at the end of the last sentence/para.
"Please do not be worried, Mr Morgan. We have not been prying," (he interjected,)"
Don't need.
'Joseph travels Europe selling flowers, which he feels gives cheer'
Does he mean the flowers or the selling? Flowers 'give', selling 'gives'.
'By the way, [what] is happening in Somalia?"'
Good job and on to the next chapter, Anna
Comment Written 21-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your commitment and thought, which is helping me improve all the time!
Comment from bowls
"Knocked for six" is an expression I've never heard before but I presume it's the equivalent of "knocked for a loop" which means taken aback. I like the touch of mystery at the beginning when Simeon seems to appear out of nowhere. You further the suspense by revealing the brothers want no money. Oh, a small thing, but you might want to capitalize The in the title of Shakespeare's play. I was a bit confused by the Somalia information. Perhaps I've forgotten something from earlier or maybe you'll explain later. You are still maintaining a very smooth and interesting prose style.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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"Knocked for six" is an expression I've never heard before but I presume it's the equivalent of "knocked for a loop" which means taken aback. I like the touch of mystery at the beginning when Simeon seems to appear out of nowhere. You further the suspense by revealing the brothers want no money. Oh, a small thing, but you might want to capitalize The in the title of Shakespeare's play. I was a bit confused by the Somalia information. Perhaps I've forgotten something from earlier or maybe you'll explain later. You are still maintaining a very smooth and interesting prose style.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for your ever-helpful and encouraging comments.
Comment from mk
this is really intriguing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am however, hijacking the word gobsmacked...not one I use, but will now...thanks and I will continue my read
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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this is really intriguing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am however, hijacking the word gobsmacked...not one I use, but will now...thanks and I will continue my read
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your comment...I hope I can keep you gobsmacked!
Comment from purrfect tale
This chapter opens all kinds of questions for the reader. Can these guys really not want any money, or is it a trick. And what's with the missionary? It's always good when the reader has questions, because they'll keep reading.
Spag wise: You biggest problem seems to be those introductory clauses I explained before.
Unaware that anyone was near my table(,)
Like his brother(,)
To be honest(,)
I noticed he was(,) with bated breath(,)
You seem an honest and caring man(,) - no comma here, because the remainder of the sentence after 'and' would not be a complete sentence on its own
me feel a bit queasy guilty that James - I think if would sound better if you just used either queasy or guilty, but not both. that's just personal, though, not an error.
Stirring myself(,)
By the way(,) what happened in Somalia?"
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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This chapter opens all kinds of questions for the reader. Can these guys really not want any money, or is it a trick. And what's with the missionary? It's always good when the reader has questions, because they'll keep reading.
Spag wise: You biggest problem seems to be those introductory clauses I explained before.
Unaware that anyone was near my table(,)
Like his brother(,)
To be honest(,)
I noticed he was(,) with bated breath(,)
You seem an honest and caring man(,) - no comma here, because the remainder of the sentence after 'and' would not be a complete sentence on its own
me feel a bit queasy guilty that James - I think if would sound better if you just used either queasy or guilty, but not both. that's just personal, though, not an error.
Stirring myself(,)
By the way(,) what happened in Somalia?"
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Once again I am indebted to you for your comments and advice.