Poetry, Dreams In Motion.
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Figments Of The Mind"A collection of poetry.
8 total reviews
Comment from Wendyanne
This is a nice poem describing a journey of self-discovery. Who knows what they will discover once its end has been reached. Well done.
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This is a nice poem describing a journey of self-discovery. Who knows what they will discover once its end has been reached. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2005
Comment from silvenechoes
Again, a very good piece, but I think it could use some metrical brush-ups, since you have chosen to write in that style. Your rhymes are fine, and your ideas are expressed coherently. I particularly like the lines, "For regardless of who is there/This path must be my own." I like that a lot. I would suggest putting the rhythm you have going on in the first two lines into every first, second, and fourth line of each stanza, and using the rhythm of the line, "And if I were to tear them down" in the third line of every stanza. That would leave you with a really good rhythm, and would require the least (I think) revisions. Those are my thoughts, anyway. You have talent, or I wouldn't bother pointing these things out. :)
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Again, a very good piece, but I think it could use some metrical brush-ups, since you have chosen to write in that style. Your rhymes are fine, and your ideas are expressed coherently. I particularly like the lines, "For regardless of who is there/This path must be my own." I like that a lot. I would suggest putting the rhythm you have going on in the first two lines into every first, second, and fourth line of each stanza, and using the rhythm of the line, "And if I were to tear them down" in the third line of every stanza. That would leave you with a really good rhythm, and would require the least (I think) revisions. Those are my thoughts, anyway. You have talent, or I wouldn't bother pointing these things out. :)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2005
Comment from elizabethpryde
once again a great insight into life. you have an ability to see beyond the surface of peopl and dig deep into who we are and what we seek. very well written, enjoy the journey...elizabethpryde
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once again a great insight into life. you have an ability to see beyond the surface of peopl and dig deep into who we are and what we seek. very well written, enjoy the journey...elizabethpryde
Comment Written 21-Mar-2005
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
Ric, I really liked this, but your meter slips a bit from time to time. Try reading this aloud, slowly, and I think you'll see what I mean.
It's not enough for me to ding you. This was a right, royal beauty of a piece.
Good friggin' job, yo'! :0)
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Ric, I really liked this, but your meter slips a bit from time to time. Try reading this aloud, slowly, and I think you'll see what I mean.
It's not enough for me to ding you. This was a right, royal beauty of a piece.
Good friggin' job, yo'! :0)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Vennan
Looking within is always a hazardous journey, but the rewards can be great!
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You've employed many strong perfect-rhyme pairs in this poem, so it becomes all the more distracting when you resort to near-rhyme pairs like "wrongs/strong" and non-rhyme pairs like "mind/lies"
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You wrote:
But what lies beyond these walls,
I've built to keep me sane?
You need to delete the comma after 'walls'
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All the best,
Vennan
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Looking within is always a hazardous journey, but the rewards can be great!
---------------
You've employed many strong perfect-rhyme pairs in this poem, so it becomes all the more distracting when you resort to near-rhyme pairs like "wrongs/strong" and non-rhyme pairs like "mind/lies"
-----------
You wrote:
But what lies beyond these walls,
I've built to keep me sane?
You need to delete the comma after 'walls'
-------------
All the best,
Vennan
Comment Written 22-Feb-2005
Comment from Lainee
Hi Ricouard,
I love the way you have penned your thoughts in this one. Life's road is never easy but destiny is ours to mold. Thankyou for sharing this well written poem.
Goodluck,
Lainee :)
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Hi Ricouard,
I love the way you have penned your thoughts in this one. Life's road is never easy but destiny is ours to mold. Thankyou for sharing this well written poem.
Goodluck,
Lainee :)
Comment Written 22-Feb-2005
Comment from edensjoy
I like this, Ricouard. When I glanced at your bio, i was surprized to see you are only twenty-eight years old. The introspection seems to come from an older one... The only faltering place that really stood out to me, and I read it a couple of times...was the last two phrases. They "work" okay, but don't completely fall into the pocket, if you will. They are close enough, though that I will not lessen the rating. Good pen!
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I like this, Ricouard. When I glanced at your bio, i was surprized to see you are only twenty-eight years old. The introspection seems to come from an older one... The only faltering place that really stood out to me, and I read it a couple of times...was the last two phrases. They "work" okay, but don't completely fall into the pocket, if you will. They are close enough, though that I will not lessen the rating. Good pen!
Comment Written 22-Feb-2005
Comment from rhian65
I think this is the third of your poems that I've reviewed and I think it's the one i like most. I like the idea of confronting your past and beginning a new journey having sorted what went previously. Good luck to you with your writing
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I think this is the third of your poems that I've reviewed and I think it's the one i like most. I like the idea of confronting your past and beginning a new journey having sorted what went previously. Good luck to you with your writing
Comment Written 22-Feb-2005