Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Justice Or Revenge?"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
3 total reviews
Comment from flashwriter
There's not enough room here to discuss all the good stuff and rough spots. But I'll cite some things that may help to enhance this interesting and well-written tale. Consider this: If you omit at least 1000 words of well-written descriptions, you'd eleveate the pizazz and punch this piece could have. This is a robbery. But, it's written as if it's meant to be a literary experience. I used to write this way all the time, until one prof in particular started bouncing my head off the wall, saying I was wrtiting beautifully, but making her wait to find out what the story was about. :) :) By the way, all that you described about Johnny's talent is mundane and sterotypical. Also, statements such that tell us 2 million bucks is more than anybody will see in a lifetime are unnecessary. Everybody knows that. It's as if the crook just realized it, though he pulled this job at age 32 or so. So, maybe you shouldn't let the reader be smarter than the crook. Readers may lose sympathy for the protag. Also: Shoot (no pun intended) didn't work for me. it's too glib, and breaks the tension you are creating. Consider dropping this foreshadowing, because it makes me feel it's all over...why read on: So, I guess you could say it was my fault things took a turn for the worse. Instead of this clue, let the readers find out for themselves. At this point, the tale feels anticlimactic. Consider this phrase: Now, I know what you're thinking, You don't know that. This kind of writing has many pitfals. You are attempting to speak directly to the reader. but It doesn work for me. Consider the numbers of readers who might feel the same response. Here's another appeal to me directly: but you add to that the fact that you're somewhere you shouldn't be, I'm always somewhere I should be. See why this sudden injection of 2nd person doesn't work. I speak about this more in the paragraphs below. The whole sequence about the dropped broach could be omitted. Reason: The entire family was in Tahiti. So, the episode doesn't fit. I dropped a broach on a rug to see how much noise it made. Nada. By the way, they were already on the 3rd floor when this happened, so by now if anybody had been left behind in the house, they might have heard something or other. We have no info that these guys were professional cat burglers; consequently they may have made far more noise than they realized. Consider this: His eyes were thin slits and he was staring off into the darkness beyond the room... Protag is talking about Johnny's eyes. How could he know this. You said the room was dark. Also, how could he see Johnny's gun in the dark. So that scene seems superfluous, because if he can't see it, how can he write sentences about that which he can't see in the dark? Notice it was so dark that he couldn't see who swooshed at him. Yet he could see slits in Johnny's eyes, and the gun Johnny brandished. Doesn't add up. If he can see one thing in the dark, then he can see all things. Consider reworking all these sections about what he can't see and what he might be able to see, but we need an explanation how he can see anything at all.
Consider this: I think Rustyshoe is the kind of guy who'd speak in contractions. Consider changing 'this will' to 'this'll' and 'it has been' to 'it's been,' and 'you would' to 'you'd' to make the read smoother. Consider doing this everytime he speaks. Also, instead of 'would have', try 'woulda' Right now it sounds too formal without the contractions. The guy speaks too perfectly for sombody named Rustyshoe. Consider this sentence: So now you'll scoff and say that's not true. Sometimes this is not the best approach, to appeal to the reader through second pesron. The reader may feel everything is justified. Keep it 3rd person by saying something like this: Some may scoff. Addressing the reader directly in a story is jolting to some, and pulls them out of the story. Besides, it gets into philosophy of justice, which may irritate some readers and pull them strongly from the story. I know I didn't want to go on after getting into this part. I wanted to be entertained, not be addressed personally as 'you,' and engaged into trying to make a judgement on the spur of the moment. The sentence that said 'Silent as a tomb, my mind screamed at me' sounds like an oxymoron. Also, the excessive descriptiions or ordinary thnings slows down this sotry. Everytime I want the action to continue, I'm faced with wonderfully lush descriptions, but they pull me out of the story's action.
The ending fell flat for me. Once again, the reader receives a strong appeal through these last sentences. So, now you are the judge and the jury, you who are sitting there reading my words and it is you who must decide. Has justice been served? Or has it only been a mockery. As for my motives? Well, I guess you'll have to decide that too. Has my story been a play for justice? Or a defense for revenge? This turn from a crime story to trying to elicit sympathy for a bungled crime doesn't work for me. Consider a second version of this story, vastly trimmed of excessive descriptions, that has a violent end---the one the guy deserves when he took the risk of comitting robbery. Your writing is quite good. You can weave a tale. However, you tend to tell us too much in a story that should be fast-paced, and whamo!
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There's not enough room here to discuss all the good stuff and rough spots. But I'll cite some things that may help to enhance this interesting and well-written tale. Consider this: If you omit at least 1000 words of well-written descriptions, you'd eleveate the pizazz and punch this piece could have. This is a robbery. But, it's written as if it's meant to be a literary experience. I used to write this way all the time, until one prof in particular started bouncing my head off the wall, saying I was wrtiting beautifully, but making her wait to find out what the story was about. :) :) By the way, all that you described about Johnny's talent is mundane and sterotypical. Also, statements such that tell us 2 million bucks is more than anybody will see in a lifetime are unnecessary. Everybody knows that. It's as if the crook just realized it, though he pulled this job at age 32 or so. So, maybe you shouldn't let the reader be smarter than the crook. Readers may lose sympathy for the protag. Also: Shoot (no pun intended) didn't work for me. it's too glib, and breaks the tension you are creating. Consider dropping this foreshadowing, because it makes me feel it's all over...why read on: So, I guess you could say it was my fault things took a turn for the worse. Instead of this clue, let the readers find out for themselves. At this point, the tale feels anticlimactic. Consider this phrase: Now, I know what you're thinking, You don't know that. This kind of writing has many pitfals. You are attempting to speak directly to the reader. but It doesn work for me. Consider the numbers of readers who might feel the same response. Here's another appeal to me directly: but you add to that the fact that you're somewhere you shouldn't be, I'm always somewhere I should be. See why this sudden injection of 2nd person doesn't work. I speak about this more in the paragraphs below. The whole sequence about the dropped broach could be omitted. Reason: The entire family was in Tahiti. So, the episode doesn't fit. I dropped a broach on a rug to see how much noise it made. Nada. By the way, they were already on the 3rd floor when this happened, so by now if anybody had been left behind in the house, they might have heard something or other. We have no info that these guys were professional cat burglers; consequently they may have made far more noise than they realized. Consider this: His eyes were thin slits and he was staring off into the darkness beyond the room... Protag is talking about Johnny's eyes. How could he know this. You said the room was dark. Also, how could he see Johnny's gun in the dark. So that scene seems superfluous, because if he can't see it, how can he write sentences about that which he can't see in the dark? Notice it was so dark that he couldn't see who swooshed at him. Yet he could see slits in Johnny's eyes, and the gun Johnny brandished. Doesn't add up. If he can see one thing in the dark, then he can see all things. Consider reworking all these sections about what he can't see and what he might be able to see, but we need an explanation how he can see anything at all.
Consider this: I think Rustyshoe is the kind of guy who'd speak in contractions. Consider changing 'this will' to 'this'll' and 'it has been' to 'it's been,' and 'you would' to 'you'd' to make the read smoother. Consider doing this everytime he speaks. Also, instead of 'would have', try 'woulda' Right now it sounds too formal without the contractions. The guy speaks too perfectly for sombody named Rustyshoe. Consider this sentence: So now you'll scoff and say that's not true. Sometimes this is not the best approach, to appeal to the reader through second pesron. The reader may feel everything is justified. Keep it 3rd person by saying something like this: Some may scoff. Addressing the reader directly in a story is jolting to some, and pulls them out of the story. Besides, it gets into philosophy of justice, which may irritate some readers and pull them strongly from the story. I know I didn't want to go on after getting into this part. I wanted to be entertained, not be addressed personally as 'you,' and engaged into trying to make a judgement on the spur of the moment. The sentence that said 'Silent as a tomb, my mind screamed at me' sounds like an oxymoron. Also, the excessive descriptiions or ordinary thnings slows down this sotry. Everytime I want the action to continue, I'm faced with wonderfully lush descriptions, but they pull me out of the story's action.
The ending fell flat for me. Once again, the reader receives a strong appeal through these last sentences. So, now you are the judge and the jury, you who are sitting there reading my words and it is you who must decide. Has justice been served? Or has it only been a mockery. As for my motives? Well, I guess you'll have to decide that too. Has my story been a play for justice? Or a defense for revenge? This turn from a crime story to trying to elicit sympathy for a bungled crime doesn't work for me. Consider a second version of this story, vastly trimmed of excessive descriptions, that has a violent end---the one the guy deserves when he took the risk of comitting robbery. Your writing is quite good. You can weave a tale. However, you tend to tell us too much in a story that should be fast-paced, and whamo!
Comment Written 20-Feb-2005
Comment from A.M. Angel
This was very good. The characters were pretty well developed.. The story was written like a journal entry telling his story. The ending was probably the part the I thought was the best part. It really made it seem like a 'last wish' sort of thing. The story also seems to have a lesson to it. Which is also a very good quality. The only thing I can say other then that is that you could have put a little bit about how he felt of leaving his family behind... Anyway, I know I'm not great a writing reviews, but I hope this is ok. Your story was great, too.
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This was very good. The characters were pretty well developed.. The story was written like a journal entry telling his story. The ending was probably the part the I thought was the best part. It really made it seem like a 'last wish' sort of thing. The story also seems to have a lesson to it. Which is also a very good quality. The only thing I can say other then that is that you could have put a little bit about how he felt of leaving his family behind... Anyway, I know I'm not great a writing reviews, but I hope this is ok. Your story was great, too.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2005
Comment from SamAyeM
Excellent story that was very well written. You did a great job of developing your characters and built up just the right amount of tension. I think you could have drawn a little more about he felt about being executed. You did a great job with the piece and I enjoyed reading it.
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Excellent story that was very well written. You did a great job of developing your characters and built up just the right amount of tension. I think you could have drawn a little more about he felt about being executed. You did a great job with the piece and I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2005