Metaphorical Seas
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Pause"a series of blank impressions
25 total reviews
Comment from Sally Carter
I really like blank verse, and have now read this one four or five times. It improves with each reading!
You have some great lines and images here.
I was slightly thrown by the thin flames of mist, since I usually think of mist as horizontal, but that was the only part in the poem which didn't quite work for me.
Some great alliteration in the first lines. "Silence silts in wells" is intriguing but vivid.
Ditto the line about frost drawing ragged razors through the air.
Some wonderful metaphors of sea and floating in the second half of the poem, and the final line is a great finish.
Your writing never disappoints!
Best wishes
Sally
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
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I really like blank verse, and have now read this one four or five times. It improves with each reading!
You have some great lines and images here.
I was slightly thrown by the thin flames of mist, since I usually think of mist as horizontal, but that was the only part in the poem which didn't quite work for me.
Some great alliteration in the first lines. "Silence silts in wells" is intriguing but vivid.
Ditto the line about frost drawing ragged razors through the air.
Some wonderful metaphors of sea and floating in the second half of the poem, and the final line is a great finish.
Your writing never disappoints!
Best wishes
Sally
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
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Hello
Thanks - these I have placed on the site are all old pieces, so they were some of the very first exercises I did (glad you missed the flaws!)
warm regards
phill
Comment from Meta~Mark
these are my favorite lines right here..so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail the drowsy rhythmic tide of earth's dull pulse, dull like the pitiful world we dwell in today
excellent!
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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these are my favorite lines right here..so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail the drowsy rhythmic tide of earth's dull pulse, dull like the pitiful world we dwell in today
excellent!
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Hello
I can't thank you enough for the encouragement. I really appreciate it
cheers
phill
Comment from snowflakes77
This is very interesting I must say. I read it a couple of times to get the full effect. :) My favorite line is, "As frost draws ragged razors through raw air, so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail". So beautifully written! :)
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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This is very interesting I must say. I read it a couple of times to get the full effect. :) My favorite line is, "As frost draws ragged razors through raw air, so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail". So beautifully written! :)
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Hello there
"interesting" is a GREAT response - thank you for reviewing the piece:
Cheers
phill
Comment from Kingsland
I don't know much about blank verse. I do like the poem however. It starts out in a negative mode and ends up in a positive one. You have good language usage in this piece and it flows along well for a free verse poem. I enjoyed reading this excellent piece of poetic art... John
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I don't know much about blank verse. I do like the poem however. It starts out in a negative mode and ends up in a positive one. You have good language usage in this piece and it flows along well for a free verse poem. I enjoyed reading this excellent piece of poetic art... John
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
Thank you for the encouragement - I appreciate this
phill
Comment from artemis53
I didn't need the author notes. I saw winter in your words as the creatures would burrow into the earth until warmth came upon them again. Beautifully done piece!
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I didn't need the author notes. I saw winter in your words as the creatures would burrow into the earth until warmth came upon them again. Beautifully done piece!
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
I can only thank you for this review
Thanks!
phill
Comment from squid152
Very dreamy poem you have here Phil! Great Alliteration with: Thin flames of mist rise bloodless, While torpor spreads and the drowsy rhythmic tide.-squid
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Very dreamy poem you have here Phil! Great Alliteration with: Thin flames of mist rise bloodless, While torpor spreads and the drowsy rhythmic tide.-squid
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
Thanks - I am pleased you enjoyed it, I enjoyed writing it.
cheers
phill
Comment from Maureen's Pen
An excellent blank verse to read. Creative, concise and yet made me ponder hibernation and the animals more than I have before.
Nice interesting work that had strong lines and vibrant imagery.
Well done and thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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An excellent blank verse to read. Creative, concise and yet made me ponder hibernation and the animals more than I have before.
Nice interesting work that had strong lines and vibrant imagery.
Well done and thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
Thank you for reading this and for your generous review.
I wish you well
phill
Comment from l.raven
Well little creatures have to stay warm in the Winter too. So they just as well look forward to Spring like the rest of us. very well written. I enjoyed reading this one. well done
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Well little creatures have to stay warm in the Winter too. So they just as well look forward to Spring like the rest of us. very well written. I enjoyed reading this one. well done
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
Thanks - yes, the beasts are people too!
cheers
phill
Comment from nancyjam
Very imaginative and creative
look at hibernation.
Vivid imagery and descriptive language
to give the reader visuals of the animals sleeping off winter.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Very imaginative and creative
look at hibernation.
Vivid imagery and descriptive language
to give the reader visuals of the animals sleeping off winter.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hello
Thank you for the kind review
I wish you well
phill
Comment from Julia.
This is quite nice blank verse. In-lines follow:
Thin flames of mist rise bloodless, stark between --> like the flames of mist image
dark inert trees where silence silts in wells --> the iambic really falls apart in the first two feet where you have: HARD soft-HARD HARD. I'm not a stickler for all-iambic-all-the-time as it tends to sound very sing-songy, but I do wonder if having such a strong deviation at a detail that doesn't really require/deserve special emphasis is the best thing for the poem.
and settles on the shadow-soaked terrain. --" nice: shadow-soaked terrain
immobile loops of claw and paw wound tight, --> love the images and assonance in this line
As frost draws ragged razors through raw air, -- again, nice images and alliteration
so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail --> I'm not sure what "coils" refers to. Of course my first thought was Shakespeare's "mortal coil" but clearly you don't literally mean the animals die. Just that their spirit or consciousness "slips anchor". But I'm still trying to figure out what "coils" means metaphorically...
Adrift, like breath exhaled, they float upon / a spectral sea of life deferred; --> I'm not liking the images here but I can't fully explain why. I think they seem a bit abstract, unlike earlier concrete images.
beyond grey sleep's low headland. --> but this is nice
Free, immersed in dreams, / awash with sultry memories of spring. -- And so is this.
Nice work.
Julia
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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This is quite nice blank verse. In-lines follow:
Thin flames of mist rise bloodless, stark between --> like the flames of mist image
dark inert trees where silence silts in wells --> the iambic really falls apart in the first two feet where you have: HARD soft-HARD HARD. I'm not a stickler for all-iambic-all-the-time as it tends to sound very sing-songy, but I do wonder if having such a strong deviation at a detail that doesn't really require/deserve special emphasis is the best thing for the poem.
and settles on the shadow-soaked terrain. --" nice: shadow-soaked terrain
immobile loops of claw and paw wound tight, --> love the images and assonance in this line
As frost draws ragged razors through raw air, -- again, nice images and alliteration
so feral coils slip anchor, set to sail --> I'm not sure what "coils" refers to. Of course my first thought was Shakespeare's "mortal coil" but clearly you don't literally mean the animals die. Just that their spirit or consciousness "slips anchor". But I'm still trying to figure out what "coils" means metaphorically...
Adrift, like breath exhaled, they float upon / a spectral sea of life deferred; --> I'm not liking the images here but I can't fully explain why. I think they seem a bit abstract, unlike earlier concrete images.
beyond grey sleep's low headland. --> but this is nice
Free, immersed in dreams, / awash with sultry memories of spring. -- And so is this.
Nice work.
Julia
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Hello there
Sory it has taken so long to revert;
Firstly, I cannot thank you enough for the review - *this* is why I came here.
You are quite right regarding the broken metre on the second line - I shall correct that. These are exercises on my part, rather than 'works' (for want of a better word) - thank you for the direction.
The 'coils' are the beasts - the small animals, curled into a habitation position.
I salute you!
cheers
phill
