Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Gima: Blathen's Logic"fantasy adventure
23 total reviews
Comment from turtledove
barking dog, thought I should review another chapter. Love the artwork as well. One question: are you using single quotation marks (')for emphasis..not sure where one should use these? I start my editing course in June...so not sure...What a great story...hoping you go far, turtledove. I saw no spelling or grammar errors.
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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barking dog, thought I should review another chapter. Love the artwork as well. One question: are you using single quotation marks (')for emphasis..not sure where one should use these? I start my editing course in June...so not sure...What a great story...hoping you go far, turtledove. I saw no spelling or grammar errors.
Comment Written 08-May-2012
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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Oops! I forgot the art on chapter 35. LOL There are many uses for the (') marks. I've made Google my best friend in learning how to use such thing. Thank you so much for the six stars on this chapter. I'm totally thrilled. :) barking dog
Comment from whispering fox
very creative,imaginitive and original.the list of your characters made the story much more clear.your notes were quite complete.the humans or near humans seemed like they could be indian.all in all your story kept my attention.
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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very creative,imaginitive and original.the list of your characters made the story much more clear.your notes were quite complete.the humans or near humans seemed like they could be indian.all in all your story kept my attention.
Comment Written 08-May-2012
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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What a nice compliment to say they could be Indian. They are living a very similar. I'm pleased that the notes helped. Thank you for your kind words and generous review.:) barking dog
Comment from Tina55
So, we're back home with a bear cub and cougar added to our litter? Talk about riling up my hayfever.
The smell of sweet smell of applewood tobacco puffs from his calabash pipe. (Do we have one too many 'smell' in this sentence?)
Checkers made from deer horns - nice detail.
A nice renewal of hope for the crew.
I love how guys can just decide to go somewhere, get dressed, throw together, at most, two things for the trip, and leave! I try to do that and then i get in trouble for not remembering to pack all the stuff they want, but don't pack.
She knows where the scent originated. She roars to Beh. Beh growls to Trell. Trell motions and clicks, "Follow Shalu." (Talk about teamwork!)
Blathen coughs and complains,"Hey guys, I can't keep up. Slow down." (Just a little formatting safu: no space after your first comma has closed quotations at the beginning of your dialogue instead of open quotes.)
russet ash: gorgeous image.
He knows in a flash that what they are hunting ... is what he is. (Excellent revelation)
I love it when you get inside Blathen's head.
Nice work, Ellen.
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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So, we're back home with a bear cub and cougar added to our litter? Talk about riling up my hayfever.
The smell of sweet smell of applewood tobacco puffs from his calabash pipe. (Do we have one too many 'smell' in this sentence?)
Checkers made from deer horns - nice detail.
A nice renewal of hope for the crew.
I love how guys can just decide to go somewhere, get dressed, throw together, at most, two things for the trip, and leave! I try to do that and then i get in trouble for not remembering to pack all the stuff they want, but don't pack.
She knows where the scent originated. She roars to Beh. Beh growls to Trell. Trell motions and clicks, "Follow Shalu." (Talk about teamwork!)
Blathen coughs and complains,"Hey guys, I can't keep up. Slow down." (Just a little formatting safu: no space after your first comma has closed quotations at the beginning of your dialogue instead of open quotes.)
russet ash: gorgeous image.
He knows in a flash that what they are hunting ... is what he is. (Excellent revelation)
I love it when you get inside Blathen's head.
Nice work, Ellen.
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 08-May-2012
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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You make me smile, Tina. I added applewood to the tobacco and guess the extra 'smell' jumped in there with that delicious thought. LOL(Just added it last night at a reviewer's fantastic suggestion.)
Men do seem to be able to pack in a second--and all in one bag. Food, underwear, a clean shirt and condoms-- bam they're finished. LOL Blathen IS the next post. He's growing as this novel ends... quite a character to continue. I'm trying him out to see how people like him. I'm glad you do. Such a precious kernel of recognition makes this review very special. :) love ya bunches, ellen
Comment from katmckeown
I was able to engage in your story even though I have not read any prior chapters and your descriptions are clear. I was a bit slowed down by all the "new" vocabulary I needed to understand your story. But I am sure if I started at the beginning I would not find it so by this point.
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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I was able to engage in your story even though I have not read any prior chapters and your descriptions are clear. I was a bit slowed down by all the "new" vocabulary I needed to understand your story. But I am sure if I started at the beginning I would not find it so by this point.
Comment Written 08-May-2012
reply by the author on 08-May-2012
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Thank you for your review. The story is coming to a close in about three more chapters. There is a lot to catch up on and I thank you for braving it this late in.:) ellen
Comment from clarbare2
Hey girl, great chapter. I jumped in to the story here so I am going to assume you have done your writer's duty of setting most of these characters up already.
The story line tracked very well. There seemed to be a couple places towards the first that read more mechanical than the later part of the chapter.
"The smell of sweet-cured tobacco puffs from his calabash pipe.", great sentence. applewood tobacco (or some specific type like that)would have put the sentence over the top cool.
"and pounds of muscle heavier," try "and pounds more muscular."
All in all you kept my interest throughout.
Peace,
Barry
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Hey girl, great chapter. I jumped in to the story here so I am going to assume you have done your writer's duty of setting most of these characters up already.
The story line tracked very well. There seemed to be a couple places towards the first that read more mechanical than the later part of the chapter.
"The smell of sweet-cured tobacco puffs from his calabash pipe.", great sentence. applewood tobacco (or some specific type like that)would have put the sentence over the top cool.
"and pounds of muscle heavier," try "and pounds more muscular."
All in all you kept my interest throughout.
Peace,
Barry
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you, Barry. I will use your applewood tobacco suggestion. It sounds delicious. and pound more muscular is much better, too.
If you have time could you tell me what sounded/felt mechanical in the beginning. I'd like to correct that, too. Also, if I know,I'll be able to watch that I don't do that sort of thing again. I'd really appreciate the input. Thank you so much. I appreciate a male point of view. The things you have noted were definately masculine and add to the male roles. :) ellen
Comment from Meta~Mark
wow action, drama an ethereal lord of rings adventure..great job!
"No bones. No bones. No bones," Trell laughs hysterically, "no bones ... not dead ... if no bones." He moves Hunter aside with a touch of his finger and grabs Blathen to swing him around. "Gima lives." Trell's smile gleams at Hunter and Asmel while he holds curious logic, kicking in mid-air. Sunrise lights the sky behind the small one's head. "Blathen's question is the answer. I knew not what to do. My son ... my son." Trell spins, holding Blathen close for the first time in months.
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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wow action, drama an ethereal lord of rings adventure..great job!
"No bones. No bones. No bones," Trell laughs hysterically, "no bones ... not dead ... if no bones." He moves Hunter aside with a touch of his finger and grabs Blathen to swing him around. "Gima lives." Trell's smile gleams at Hunter and Asmel while he holds curious logic, kicking in mid-air. Sunrise lights the sky behind the small one's head. "Blathen's question is the answer. I knew not what to do. My son ... my son." Trell spins, holding Blathen close for the first time in months.
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for your review, Mark.:) BD
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Okay. I love that opening paragraph. What a diverse group of creatures . Wonderful!
Blathen wakes and meanders over to the far corner and plops down on a pallet of wolf and rabbit skins to sort his sharpened, polished collection of wolf bones that he'd salvaged during cabin clean-up. Lots of 'and's' in the first part of this. Could lose that first one, IMO. Your call, tho'. :o)
Blathen wakes, meanders over to the far corner, and plops down on a pallet of
The smell of sweet(-)cured tobacco puffs
"Gottch." (Gotcha?)
Aggr(a)vated,
Well done on portraying Blathen's temper. Excellent.
Asmel can't help but smile. He kicks Hunter's foot under the table and motions his head side-ways toward Blathen's pressing interrogation. - Love this image! Brillliant.
Great images of them all leaving the cabin. A band of intrepid searchers!!
Seated like a king, they trot forward. - this threw me a wee bit. It's only Blathen who's seated, not 'they'. With Blathen seated like a king (?) they trot forward.
Ah, Blathen now recognizes himself for what he is and silently questioning the others....identity crisis looming?
Great chapter, though. You're building up nicely to the end of the book.
Superb stuff, Ellen.
Av
x
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Okay. I love that opening paragraph. What a diverse group of creatures . Wonderful!
Blathen wakes and meanders over to the far corner and plops down on a pallet of wolf and rabbit skins to sort his sharpened, polished collection of wolf bones that he'd salvaged during cabin clean-up. Lots of 'and's' in the first part of this. Could lose that first one, IMO. Your call, tho'. :o)
Blathen wakes, meanders over to the far corner, and plops down on a pallet of
The smell of sweet(-)cured tobacco puffs
"Gottch." (Gotcha?)
Aggr(a)vated,
Well done on portraying Blathen's temper. Excellent.
Asmel can't help but smile. He kicks Hunter's foot under the table and motions his head side-ways toward Blathen's pressing interrogation. - Love this image! Brillliant.
Great images of them all leaving the cabin. A band of intrepid searchers!!
Seated like a king, they trot forward. - this threw me a wee bit. It's only Blathen who's seated, not 'they'. With Blathen seated like a king (?) they trot forward.
Ah, Blathen now recognizes himself for what he is and silently questioning the others....identity crisis looming?
Great chapter, though. You're building up nicely to the end of the book.
Superb stuff, Ellen.
Av
x
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you, Av for your sharp eye. I made a few changes. The trotting forward was way off. :) No identity crisis. He won't worry about what's merely a fact. He's angry that he wasn't told. He hates not having all the information. He just moves on like a little computer with new input. Thank you again. I'm still terrified about the ending. If it really isn't right though, I guess I can re-write until I get it. There are so many minds out there, working to the end that they see. Mine is only one. I want the readers to be happy. I don't want an 'Oh 'f', I read all this time and this is it?' slump at the end. I've read books that seem to go flat or lack resolution at the end, and I don't want to read another of theirs because I was so disappointed. Playing a movie in the reader's head, you don't want to screw up the last reel. I've needs to meet ... expectations. Heavy responsibility for a first timer. I appreciate your honest opinion and advice.:) ellen
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I know what you mean. I have similar thoughts about my book, though I'm a ways of finishing yet. You'll be fine. It's your book, your ending. I'm sure it'll be just spiffy. :o) Av
Comment from Gloria ....
Ellen another great write full of imaginative imagery, meticulous detail, convincing dialogue and good humour.
Just a couple of comments:
Trell is grief striken (stricken) and has not spoken.
Leaves patter on the slanted bark roof of the valley cabin as gusts sweep the oaks across the sunrise. = love this visual and aural image.
Aggrevated, (aggravated) he tromps around to stand in front of his father.
fox glove (foxglove) pollen and belladonna berries-- poisons, quiet weapons.
His fat ripples when he shakes, and drool-strings fly, sticking to the wall. = dynamite image
dark metal knife inscribed with 'Reul' = Finally, they come to the cave and stand gaping at Ruel, its gruesome greeter, I am not sure if those are two different things as they could very well be.
Another intelligent and innovative chapter. Keep on writing!
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Ellen another great write full of imaginative imagery, meticulous detail, convincing dialogue and good humour.
Just a couple of comments:
Trell is grief striken (stricken) and has not spoken.
Leaves patter on the slanted bark roof of the valley cabin as gusts sweep the oaks across the sunrise. = love this visual and aural image.
Aggrevated, (aggravated) he tromps around to stand in front of his father.
fox glove (foxglove) pollen and belladonna berries-- poisons, quiet weapons.
His fat ripples when he shakes, and drool-strings fly, sticking to the wall. = dynamite image
dark metal knife inscribed with 'Reul' = Finally, they come to the cave and stand gaping at Ruel, its gruesome greeter, I am not sure if those are two different things as they could very well be.
Another intelligent and innovative chapter. Keep on writing!
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you so much for catching these errors and enjoying the chapter. I still don't know how to spell Ruel's name. Best that he's dead. LOL Thank you again for your review and the thought you put into it. It really is a big help. I'm so close to the end. It's frightening, trying to get it right. :) ellen
Comment from DIS-illusioned
A bear, vertant, humans and prime vermel, friends??? Wonders shall never cease. :)
"Shalu stretches, trots outside and jumps ..."
Now...who the hell is Shalu???
"they come to the cave and stand gaping at Ruel"
Ruel???
No bones no dead, eh? Well, that isn't always logical, but definitely works here.
Another cool chapter, BD.
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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A bear, vertant, humans and prime vermel, friends??? Wonders shall never cease. :)
"Shalu stretches, trots outside and jumps ..."
Now...who the hell is Shalu???
"they come to the cave and stand gaping at Ruel"
Ruel???
No bones no dead, eh? Well, that isn't always logical, but definitely works here.
Another cool chapter, BD.
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Shalu is the cougar(amber eyes at the table.
Ruel is the guy with Pike who was trying to rape Gima by Mallard Lake. Pike killed him and hung his body at the cave entrance. Did you miss that chapter?
I may have forgotten to put him in the cast of characters. I'll check.
Thank you for the possible head's up and glad the 'no bones' thing works for Blathen who is obsessed with his collection. DIS.:) BD
Comment from linnietwotymez
I was engaged in this piece to the very end. I felt the excitement in the cabin when everyone realized Gima might he still alive. One of the best lines: "His uncontrollable, angry collector whips against Trell's arm leaving a snaking red welt." Masterful.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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I was engaged in this piece to the very end. I felt the excitement in the cabin when everyone realized Gima might he still alive. One of the best lines: "His uncontrollable, angry collector whips against Trell's arm leaving a snaking red welt." Masterful.
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you so much. I'm so near the end and I don't want to 'f' it up. It's easier to keep going than screw up the end. I'm terrified. So far I have three different ones. Thank you again for liking this so much that you gave it a six. I love writing Blathen he can do cool stuff ... the line you liked is about him. :) e