Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Gima: Taken"fantasy adventure
19 total reviews
Comment from purrfect tale
Oooh! It's getting even more exciting now. I wondered what you would do now that the two papas have joined the family. Sounds like everyone in the underworld wants Trell. This entire story has just been so compelling!
Notes:
By mid-afternoon() he enters a small clearing, - that one not needed
the large(,) burley() leader chorts, - Oops
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2012
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Oooh! It's getting even more exciting now. I wondered what you would do now that the two papas have joined the family. Sounds like everyone in the underworld wants Trell. This entire story has just been so compelling!
Notes:
By mid-afternoon() he enters a small clearing, - that one not needed
the large(,) burley() leader chorts, - Oops
Comment Written 19-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2012
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Thank you for thinking this whole thing compelling. It's becoming a real challenge to write. I have to finish this thing up properly ... whatever that is. Lots of revenge me thinks. LOL
Damn the comma. LOL :) ellen
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There are lots of good books on the site, but only 2 I get excited about when I see new posts. This is one of the 2. When you're ready to publish, and if you self publish, I'll write a review on my blog.
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I'm so encouraged by what you say. I will be bothering you A LOT when this is finished. Editing after I go through the first chapters and spruce it up a bit. I was not writing as I am now when this all started with a short story. LOL Some SHORT story. LOL
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I've seen several people become better writers as their books progress. That usually means re-writing some of the beginning to get it up to the advanced level of writing later chapters have. It's a vicious circle. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Comment from DIS-illusioned
Pike and his giant crew, what the hell are they?
Blathen to guard? How old is this fiendish kid?
"Small amber eyes watch and follow."
Good suspense in this part.
"Pike rubs his wart strewn chin and scratches his crotch while he contrives a plan."
Ahh, my kinda guy. :)
"He turns Gima over and starts to mount her from the rear. His dangles search relentlessly across Gima's back for a port of entry."
Oh God, what I would have given to have been a vermel at this moment. LOL! I would have torn her a new one with my dangles. LMFAO!!! :))
"adjusting their multiple swollen disappointments."
Hahaha! So beautifully, poetically expressed. LOL!
I'm really afraid of your muse, BD, and what you both conjure up in that scary labyrinth you call your brain. :))
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2012
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Pike and his giant crew, what the hell are they?
Blathen to guard? How old is this fiendish kid?
"Small amber eyes watch and follow."
Good suspense in this part.
"Pike rubs his wart strewn chin and scratches his crotch while he contrives a plan."
Ahh, my kinda guy. :)
"He turns Gima over and starts to mount her from the rear. His dangles search relentlessly across Gima's back for a port of entry."
Oh God, what I would have given to have been a vermel at this moment. LOL! I would have torn her a new one with my dangles. LMFAO!!! :))
"adjusting their multiple swollen disappointments."
Hahaha! So beautifully, poetically expressed. LOL!
I'm really afraid of your muse, BD, and what you both conjure up in that scary labyrinth you call your brain. :))
Comment Written 18-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2012
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Thank you, DIS. I guess you figured out what Pike and his crew are. LOL Yes, my 'labyrinth' is a fun place. Have no fear, it is but a small place that becomes magnified on the pages.
I wonder how many of my 'Valley' readers will jump the ship now that it's back to Bellow City. They're gonna miss one hell of a confrontation. Hope I can get it right. Whew! what a challenge.:) BD
Comment from Maustin
Excellent imagery in your work. I could visualize the characters in my mind. Trell's love for Gima is amazing. The ritual with his hair at the sacred ground moved me. That awful Ruel. I cannot stand him and his nadty intentions. Hope Tell takes him out later and cut off his dangles too. Great character development. Hope Tell fibds Gima soon. Good pace. Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Excellent imagery in your work. I could visualize the characters in my mind. Trell's love for Gima is amazing. The ritual with his hair at the sacred ground moved me. That awful Ruel. I cannot stand him and his nadty intentions. Hope Tell takes him out later and cut off his dangles too. Great character development. Hope Tell fibds Gima soon. Good pace. Enjoyed.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Maustin. I'm glad you have gotten into begin the search and the battle for Gima. This is a mild chapter. I'm easing into the horrid Bellow City again and Ticum. Revenge is sweet. LOL Thank you for the lovely review and golden cross six.:) ellen
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so welcome Ellen...look forward to reading more...
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So welcome. Enjoyed :)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ellen. How are you. Although I am not a big fantasy fan, I like the way you constructed the action in Chapter 29. I do have a few suggestions if you don't mind though:
"and its hand twists her wet, dark hair." With this sort of action going on, the color of her hair is insignificant and actually takes away from the "wet" which is what you really want here. A good rule of thumb is one adjective to a noun except once in a while two...but Never more than two as it pertains.
And: "She hears voices and remembers" (Since you have gone quite a stretch without referring to "Gima" by name, in fact you have been describing setting and animals,birds, etc...Ithink You should use "Gima" at the start of this sentence instead of the pronoun "She"
and: "Trell drinks from his water pouch and pours water over his head, maintaining an even speed." (I think this would be more believable if you had Trell stop a moment to catch his breath and use the water accordingly instead of having him continue running while he is drinking and pouring.
Good job overall, ellen...Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Hi, Ellen. How are you. Although I am not a big fantasy fan, I like the way you constructed the action in Chapter 29. I do have a few suggestions if you don't mind though:
"and its hand twists her wet, dark hair." With this sort of action going on, the color of her hair is insignificant and actually takes away from the "wet" which is what you really want here. A good rule of thumb is one adjective to a noun except once in a while two...but Never more than two as it pertains.
And: "She hears voices and remembers" (Since you have gone quite a stretch without referring to "Gima" by name, in fact you have been describing setting and animals,birds, etc...Ithink You should use "Gima" at the start of this sentence instead of the pronoun "She"
and: "Trell drinks from his water pouch and pours water over his head, maintaining an even speed." (I think this would be more believable if you had Trell stop a moment to catch his breath and use the water accordingly instead of having him continue running while he is drinking and pouring.
Good job overall, ellen...Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Thank you Bob for your suggestions. I'll be changing those points as immediately. I must have read over the insertion of her name and you're so right about the running and pouring, though he could do it. Again many thanks for pointing these things out and I'll remember about the adjectives--only one to a noun, occasionally two. :)
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:) Bob
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Great chapter, Ellen. Seems to be our week for gruesome! Fantastic descriptions. I felt so sorry for Trell. I guess, for now, he considers Gima gone. I think this Pike character makes Argante look like a boy scout! LOL
Enjoyed it very much.
Av
v
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Great chapter, Ellen. Seems to be our week for gruesome! Fantastic descriptions. I felt so sorry for Trell. I guess, for now, he considers Gima gone. I think this Pike character makes Argante look like a boy scout! LOL
Enjoyed it very much.
Av
v
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Av. Wait til you meet Ticum. Pike is nothing by comparison. LOL I'm glad you enjoyed it.:)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Absolutely amazing... and I so like your descriptions... so unique.... Ellen.
you asshole piece of shit - asshole piece doesn't sound right... how about.
you arsehole full of shit - what do you think
nowhere - one word
mid-afternoon
onetime - one word
Meanwhile, Ruel(,) with only
Ruel('s) full attention - add
reaches forward and(,) with an echoing snap(,) the disobedient's head lolls backwards - add commas
now submissive[,] Lut(,) drags Gima - move comma
throughout - one word
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Absolutely amazing... and I so like your descriptions... so unique.... Ellen.
you asshole piece of shit - asshole piece doesn't sound right... how about.
you arsehole full of shit - what do you think
nowhere - one word
mid-afternoon
onetime - one word
Meanwhile, Ruel(,) with only
Ruel('s) full attention - add
reaches forward and(,) with an echoing snap(,) the disobedient's head lolls backwards - add commas
now submissive[,] Lut(,) drags Gima - move comma
throughout - one word
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Well here we are two ladies talking about 'shit.' LOL I changed it to 'You asshole ... piece of shit.' Infering that the second 'you' is left out. That is USA. I never had to write it down before. It did need that bit of tweeking.
Thank you for the other corrections. I now see that a comma after the and and before a phrase is fine. I wanted to do that but hesitated as to where to put the first comma; and the submissive Lut(that is his descriptor and should stay with him ... dumb me.) I'm getting better though all the time. Thanks to you and any others who show me my mistakes. I try really hard to learn from them.
Thank you for your 'absolutely amazing and unique' and liking the descriptions.
I'm going back now and change 'ass' to 'arse' and it shall always be thus for a human's backside and an ass can pull the cart. Hee-haw. LOL
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I learn from you, and you from me - that's what it's all about. I read some of my The Edge of Heaven today, and must admit, it's evident I've improved my writing since joining FS... and so enjoy it. M
Comment from adewpearl
How chilling, the dialogue, where the voices are talking about Gima as if all she is is food
excellent descriptive detail and dialogue in this dramatic scene
Excellent use of action verbs like grab, stuff, cut, house...these really bring your story to life
You're making me cry as Trell cuts off his own hair to place on top of Gima's torn garments
What a gruesome final scene - you really are making me wince. Brooke
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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How chilling, the dialogue, where the voices are talking about Gima as if all she is is food
excellent descriptive detail and dialogue in this dramatic scene
Excellent use of action verbs like grab, stuff, cut, house...these really bring your story to life
You're making me cry as Trell cuts off his own hair to place on top of Gima's torn garments
What a gruesome final scene - you really are making me wince. Brooke
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Sound like an effective chapter if you are wincing. LOL Thank you for a fine review. I'm glad you were touched by Trell's sacrificing his hair for Gima's memorial. Thank you, as always, Brooke. :) ellen
Comment from Gungalo
Oh i sTrell ever gonna be mad. If he catches up to those who have Gima he will probably tear them limb for limb. Sigh, hurry Trell.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Oh i sTrell ever gonna be mad. If he catches up to those who have Gima he will probably tear them limb for limb. Sigh, hurry Trell.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Thank you, G for cheering him on. :)BD
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O yeah!!
Comment from cvcopac
I like the poetic language in the opening two paragraphs but it gets real--quick. Gima is out of the proverbial frying pan an into the fire. First food then rape, considered. Nice bunch. Bounty hunters with Trell in mind. Lack of control kills Ruel and Gima is granted reprieve, at least for now.
Meanwhile, Trell is crestfallen and returning to camp. Who do the small amber eyes belong to? The cougar cub? It might recognize Gimas spoor. Oh, it's getting good. The hunted may become the hunter.
This one is definitely worthy of a six.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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I like the poetic language in the opening two paragraphs but it gets real--quick. Gima is out of the proverbial frying pan an into the fire. First food then rape, considered. Nice bunch. Bounty hunters with Trell in mind. Lack of control kills Ruel and Gima is granted reprieve, at least for now.
Meanwhile, Trell is crestfallen and returning to camp. Who do the small amber eyes belong to? The cougar cub? It might recognize Gimas spoor. Oh, it's getting good. The hunted may become the hunter.
This one is definitely worthy of a six.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much. I hoped to be taking this up a notch. The hunt begins. You are so right about that. Yes, the eyes are a cougar cub; they've been feeding one. Thank you for the six, cycopac. :) ellen
Comment from linnietwotymez
"Her shrieks silence everything belonging to Upper Earth. Ducks' wings lift from the glassy water to fly high, far into daylight's distance. The trees are empty, save for speechless leaves. There are no witnesses." This was one of the many reasons I had to give this a six.
Another part is: "Remember, it is written and Trolious warns that we don't have long before we die from the cloud ceiling's fire and the drying of the air." He pulls the hood of his pig-leather cloak over his head." I remembered earlier in your book that they cannot breath the air for long. Obviously, you have bonded quite well with this book and this is yet another descriptive masterpiece!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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"Her shrieks silence everything belonging to Upper Earth. Ducks' wings lift from the glassy water to fly high, far into daylight's distance. The trees are empty, save for speechless leaves. There are no witnesses." This was one of the many reasons I had to give this a six.
Another part is: "Remember, it is written and Trolious warns that we don't have long before we die from the cloud ceiling's fire and the drying of the air." He pulls the hood of his pig-leather cloak over his head." I remembered earlier in your book that they cannot breath the air for long. Obviously, you have bonded quite well with this book and this is yet another descriptive masterpiece!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
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Thank you, linnietwotymez for choosing these sections as your favorites. It should be getting more exciting now with the hunt. Thank you so much for awarding a six to this transition chapter. The vermel are a real piece of work. LOL :) ellen