The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Holmes Chapel 2011"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
10 total reviews
Comment from rooghevn
I really like Vigournet's writing style--one is quickly drawn into the story. He does a very good job at the chapter's beginning of setting up tension and filling-in the back story.
Vigournet does caution the reader in his preface to the selection that it is a work-in-progress, and I would honestly say that this shows--there are enough small typo's and grammatical errors that while not causing confusion, do cause irritation during reading. These mistakes serve to slow down Vigournet's narrative flow.
I hesitated between assigning the selection a "Five" and a "Four," because the story in its nascent form already seems so promising. However, I think that as a reviewer, I should probably be looking at a piece as a "stand-alone." I'm pretty sure I don't need to specify specific typo's/errors, but certainly can if needed.
I do think that this is a very promising start, and look forward to reading the rest of Vigournet's story.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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I really like Vigournet's writing style--one is quickly drawn into the story. He does a very good job at the chapter's beginning of setting up tension and filling-in the back story.
Vigournet does caution the reader in his preface to the selection that it is a work-in-progress, and I would honestly say that this shows--there are enough small typo's and grammatical errors that while not causing confusion, do cause irritation during reading. These mistakes serve to slow down Vigournet's narrative flow.
I hesitated between assigning the selection a "Five" and a "Four," because the story in its nascent form already seems so promising. However, I think that as a reviewer, I should probably be looking at a piece as a "stand-alone." I'm pretty sure I don't need to specify specific typo's/errors, but certainly can if needed.
I do think that this is a very promising start, and look forward to reading the rest of Vigournet's story.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hi,
Thanks for your kind words and advice. It's true that I am still self-editing, which is why I need all the help that I can get. My "Write-It" programme does give some errors when I bring text across, so bear with me. I'd really appreciate your comments on any textual, spelling or grammar errors; that will enhance my ability.
Peter
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Peter,
Sure! I can do that.
Like your story a lot.
Susan
Comment from Eigle Rull
Ah, another piece to the story. And it was very well written, again.
It was very interesting to walk down memory lane with you. I love doing that myself. It is a good way to relax and get the cob webs out. It was also interesting and cool that you were happy hearing that you'd soon be a father. I enjoyed this chapter. It was a fun read. It was excellent, my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2015
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Ah, another piece to the story. And it was very well written, again.
It was very interesting to walk down memory lane with you. I love doing that myself. It is a good way to relax and get the cob webs out. It was also interesting and cool that you were happy hearing that you'd soon be a father. I enjoyed this chapter. It was a fun read. It was excellent, my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2015
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Hi,
Thanks again for your really helpful comments. I appreciate you being on my journey.
Comment from Tessa Kay
Hi neighbour,
I enjoyed reading your post, but I also found it a little confusing. I wasn't sure what the actual story was. First, I expected something to happen at the market, then I thought after a short interlude into the past you'd come back to the original story, but you didn't. So, not quite sure what to make of it. Where do you want the reader to go? Maybe it'll become clear in the next post.
A couple things I noticed:
-cold breezes reddened my cheeks - written from the first person perspective, he can't see that. Better to describe how his cheeks felt.
- she said, standing and pushing back her chair - the -ing form denotes simultaneous action, in this case simultaneously saying, standing and pushing. Obviously not what you meant. So just use normal past tense: she said, stood and pushed back her chair.
Still, it was easy to read and once you get the reader into a certain direction, I'm sure it will be very interesting.
:)
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2015
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Hi neighbour,
I enjoyed reading your post, but I also found it a little confusing. I wasn't sure what the actual story was. First, I expected something to happen at the market, then I thought after a short interlude into the past you'd come back to the original story, but you didn't. So, not quite sure what to make of it. Where do you want the reader to go? Maybe it'll become clear in the next post.
A couple things I noticed:
-cold breezes reddened my cheeks - written from the first person perspective, he can't see that. Better to describe how his cheeks felt.
- she said, standing and pushing back her chair - the -ing form denotes simultaneous action, in this case simultaneously saying, standing and pushing. Obviously not what you meant. So just use normal past tense: she said, stood and pushed back her chair.
Still, it was easy to read and once you get the reader into a certain direction, I'm sure it will be very interesting.
:)
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2015
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Hi, thanks for your great comments. I will look again at this scene, obviously people who have read from the start of the story will hopefully follow me! I value your advice and have made those changes.
Comment from Selestia
Very good description of a child that's gone through all kinds of cancer treatment. I've seen pictures of them on TV. The chapter conveys the hopelessness and helplessness felt by parents of a child with a terminal disease. It's not the natural order of things.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012
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Very good description of a child that's gone through all kinds of cancer treatment. I've seen pictures of them on TV. The chapter conveys the hopelessness and helplessness felt by parents of a child with a terminal disease. It's not the natural order of things.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012
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Thank you very much for your kind words... I was able to draw from some personal experience, so that helps.
Comment from MadameSparkle
I did wonder if you had personal experience of a child struggling with cancer. You write about it very sensitively. The story is developing nicely and today we learn the reasons for John's trip to Jaffa and why it is so important to him and his wife.
A couple of points to consider:
Becky's pregnancy had (been)earth-shattering news.
learning things names...maybe 'learning the names of things' sounds better?
Sparkles
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2012
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I did wonder if you had personal experience of a child struggling with cancer. You write about it very sensitively. The story is developing nicely and today we learn the reasons for John's trip to Jaffa and why it is so important to him and his wife.
A couple of points to consider:
Becky's pregnancy had (been)earth-shattering news.
learning things names...maybe 'learning the names of things' sounds better?
Sparkles
Comment Written 12-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2012
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Thank you for your kind review. You are right, and perceptive, that I have experience. In my portfolio there is a poem to Wesley, who is my son, in heaven since he was 7.
I take note of your help, and checking my novel's revision, I have made those changes. Thanks.
Comment from Chris Davis
What an emotional and roller coaster ride of the highs of new grandparent-hood and the agony and angst of watching your beloved grandson suffering at the ravages of cancer... the unfairness of it all.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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What an emotional and roller coaster ride of the highs of new grandparent-hood and the agony and angst of watching your beloved grandson suffering at the ravages of cancer... the unfairness of it all.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your comments. I tried to express something of what I felt thirty years ago with my son.
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A hard one, for sure...
Comment from purrfect tale
You ended this in the perfect spot to make readers quickly turn and page and continue.
Notes:
Darkness came when our grandson, Wesley John, was first diagnosed with cancer, after his second birthday in 2008; our family was thrown into a universe we did not know existed. - semi colons are used to connect 2 short sentences. These don't qualify, besides, longer connected sentences cut down on the dramatic effect that short sentence create in a reader. You want this to be emotional, so make it 2 sentences.
Helping injured military or wounded civilians caught in crossfire(,)
Oh, (D)addy, I am pregnant. - Caps when used as a name, no caps with things like 'My daddy is here.'
After weeks in limbo(,) Rebecca Morgan stepped back - the beginning of the sentence in an introductory element, a clue to them is that if deleted, the sentence would still mean the same, always off-set them with a comma
Slowly(,) the light of our lives was being extinguished. - intros can be one word, as here.
Admittedly(,) I was on occasion prone to wander
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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You ended this in the perfect spot to make readers quickly turn and page and continue.
Notes:
Darkness came when our grandson, Wesley John, was first diagnosed with cancer, after his second birthday in 2008; our family was thrown into a universe we did not know existed. - semi colons are used to connect 2 short sentences. These don't qualify, besides, longer connected sentences cut down on the dramatic effect that short sentence create in a reader. You want this to be emotional, so make it 2 sentences.
Helping injured military or wounded civilians caught in crossfire(,)
Oh, (D)addy, I am pregnant. - Caps when used as a name, no caps with things like 'My daddy is here.'
After weeks in limbo(,) Rebecca Morgan stepped back - the beginning of the sentence in an introductory element, a clue to them is that if deleted, the sentence would still mean the same, always off-set them with a comma
Slowly(,) the light of our lives was being extinguished. - intros can be one word, as here.
Admittedly(,) I was on occasion prone to wander
Comment Written 31-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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thanks for your great help. I am a bit crook today, so will make the changes Monday
Comment from ajdevore
You seem to have rewritten the first parts so that it's clear what the quest is about. It's a very interesting story and we wait to find out if Wesley John can be saved. It doesn't seem realistic that parents would not show their shock and dismay at their unmarried daughter's announced pregnancy since, as you stated, it would interrupt college, among other things. You might express the joy after the shock.Light in the darkness and handwriting on the wall are a bit of a cliche. You might consider cutting them, they don't add anything.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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You seem to have rewritten the first parts so that it's clear what the quest is about. It's a very interesting story and we wait to find out if Wesley John can be saved. It doesn't seem realistic that parents would not show their shock and dismay at their unmarried daughter's announced pregnancy since, as you stated, it would interrupt college, among other things. You might express the joy after the shock.Light in the darkness and handwriting on the wall are a bit of a cliche. You might consider cutting them, they don't add anything.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your great comments and advice
Comment from gramalot8
Vigourmet, this is a sad chapter. It is so hard to see a loved one suffer, let alone a little child. And, you give us enlightenment to his birth, his irresponsible birth dad, and the love you all have for each other. Good chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Vigourmet, this is a sad chapter. It is so hard to see a loved one suffer, let alone a little child. And, you give us enlightenment to his birth, his irresponsible birth dad, and the love you all have for each other. Good chapter.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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thanks for your encouragement
Comment from bowls
A very touching and emotional chapter which fills in some background and adds a heaping dollop of pathos to the work. I like the way you've begun your novel with a focus on the situation at hand and now, later, gone back to give events leading up to the restaurant appointment. Obviously, your character has a very strong motivation for waiting there. One tiny typo: In the par. beginning "The arrival of", "learning things' names" needs that apostrophe in "things'". I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2012
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A very touching and emotional chapter which fills in some background and adds a heaping dollop of pathos to the work. I like the way you've begun your novel with a focus on the situation at hand and now, later, gone back to give events leading up to the restaurant appointment. Obviously, your character has a very strong motivation for waiting there. One tiny typo: In the par. beginning "The arrival of", "learning things' names" needs that apostrophe in "things'". I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2012
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Thank for your kind comments.