The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "John Wesley Morgan"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
9 total reviews
Comment from kashmayank
nice story i havent read all the chapters so wont commenent much but it looks you have a good work here all the best for future nice job
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012
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nice story i havent read all the chapters so wont commenent much but it looks you have a good work here all the best for future nice job
Comment Written 30-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012
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Thank you for taking the time to read..I appreciate your encouragement.
Comment from MadameSparkle
I like the pace of your story. It feels like it's happening in real time and whilst there is a sense of immediacy, it doesn't feel rushed.
Something to correct maybe?
on a Stag(,)Do(do) the room was relatively quiet.
Great stuff
Sparkles
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2012
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I like the pace of your story. It feels like it's happening in real time and whilst there is a sense of immediacy, it doesn't feel rushed.
Something to correct maybe?
on a Stag(,)Do(do) the room was relatively quiet.
Great stuff
Sparkles
Comment Written 12-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2012
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thanks for reading, and your helpful comment. The change is made.
Comment from bowls
Another finely written piece! I do enjoy your detailed descriptions of locales. Here, the detail slows the pace of action considerably, and gives the reader a strong sense of anticipation, much like that being experienced by your main character. That chess metaphor is a clever touch adding to the description of the setting and also the atmosphere. To these Canadian ears some of your terminology ("went pear-shaped")sounds strangely unfamiliar and exotic, but that, too, enhances the climate of the story which takes place in a country far removed from most peoples' experience. Well done!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2012
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Another finely written piece! I do enjoy your detailed descriptions of locales. Here, the detail slows the pace of action considerably, and gives the reader a strong sense of anticipation, much like that being experienced by your main character. That chess metaphor is a clever touch adding to the description of the setting and also the atmosphere. To these Canadian ears some of your terminology ("went pear-shaped")sounds strangely unfamiliar and exotic, but that, too, enhances the climate of the story which takes place in a country far removed from most peoples' experience. Well done!
Comment Written 31-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2012
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thank you very much for your comment and kind words!
Comment from peggles
This is very well written
The flow is smooth and so easy to follow and understand
your dialogue is realistic and brings your characters to life I enjoyed reading this
The story is really rolling out well
I can't find anything to critique so well done
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2012
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This is very well written
The flow is smooth and so easy to follow and understand
your dialogue is realistic and brings your characters to life I enjoyed reading this
The story is really rolling out well
I can't find anything to critique so well done
Comment Written 30-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much! I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from ajdevore
This continues to be intriguing. Lots of wonderful atmospheric details and some good turns of phrase 'I stepped into white's kind four' And some great Britishisms 'Johnny-no-mates' to amuse us across the pond. I feel a little conflicted If Our whole world depended on one encounter, then my family's desperate need seems trivial by comparison, or does the out whole world just an overstatement of the family's whole world?
Maybe combine the two sentences about Simon ... Jaffa, but he was ...
The conversation with Joseph is confusing. If the narrator is waiting for an answer, it is assumed the person being called would speak first, but clearly it's the narrator, but one has to read it twice. Why is it important that his friend is Jewish?
The paragraph about Liz is also puzzling. If this is such an important, and I've picked up perhaps dangerous mission, why would there even be a consideration of her accompanying him, unless she has skills that would enhance possibility of success? You might want to reconsider that entire paragraph. The first sentence is gratuitous and brings down the tone of your story. Maybe 'If only Liz could have joined me ... and then a few less extravagant sentences about her warmth, loyalty and support.
Overall just an extremely well written piece that I look forward to following.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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This continues to be intriguing. Lots of wonderful atmospheric details and some good turns of phrase 'I stepped into white's kind four' And some great Britishisms 'Johnny-no-mates' to amuse us across the pond. I feel a little conflicted If Our whole world depended on one encounter, then my family's desperate need seems trivial by comparison, or does the out whole world just an overstatement of the family's whole world?
Maybe combine the two sentences about Simon ... Jaffa, but he was ...
The conversation with Joseph is confusing. If the narrator is waiting for an answer, it is assumed the person being called would speak first, but clearly it's the narrator, but one has to read it twice. Why is it important that his friend is Jewish?
The paragraph about Liz is also puzzling. If this is such an important, and I've picked up perhaps dangerous mission, why would there even be a consideration of her accompanying him, unless she has skills that would enhance possibility of success? You might want to reconsider that entire paragraph. The first sentence is gratuitous and brings down the tone of your story. Maybe 'If only Liz could have joined me ... and then a few less extravagant sentences about her warmth, loyalty and support.
Overall just an extremely well written piece that I look forward to following.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Thanks for your kind and helpful comment. I am adjusting my writing as I learn more and more.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very wll written, vigournet, you did a great job continuing to lay the story out and drawing me deeper into the story and waiting for more. i enjoey reading it.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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this is very wll written, vigournet, you did a great job continuing to lay the story out and drawing me deeper into the story and waiting for more. i enjoey reading it.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks for your kind words!
Comment from LancsLass
A nice job of creating the atmosphere and feel of a foreign place, foreign to me, at least. I have the sense of sunshine and heat. Good job also with the conversation, adding dialogue and introducing a new character.
'I stepped onto white king's four.' This is a great image
'vainglorious' is a great word
'...light brown loafers and (the) only clean white shirt' I remember you talking about a change of shirt in Part 1, is it compatible with this?
'...gave me butterflies; made my hands clammy.' Needs to be a comma not a semi-colon as the second part is a fragment, not a complete sentence.
'...snow-white tablecloth arrayed on the gleaming...' I think you cannot 'array' a tablecloth, that you have to have more than one thing in order to array them.
'My breakfast arrived.' Don't need this sentence, it is stated in the following one.
I noticed that you spelled 'harbour' without the 'u' in Part 1 and with it in Part 2.
I'm concerned that whilst alone this is interesting, taken together with Part 1 it is a lot of set-up and still no real action, other than the conversation in which we do learn something. In all honesty, I think this whole part could be condensed into a paragraph or two to move the story along. You did a good job in Part 1 of building curiosity and interest, this is almost overkill. Just my opinion, of course :)
Even though I think that, it is still nicely written and as a piece of writing worthy of five stars, so here they are. :)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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A nice job of creating the atmosphere and feel of a foreign place, foreign to me, at least. I have the sense of sunshine and heat. Good job also with the conversation, adding dialogue and introducing a new character.
'I stepped onto white king's four.' This is a great image
'vainglorious' is a great word
'...light brown loafers and (the) only clean white shirt' I remember you talking about a change of shirt in Part 1, is it compatible with this?
'...gave me butterflies; made my hands clammy.' Needs to be a comma not a semi-colon as the second part is a fragment, not a complete sentence.
'...snow-white tablecloth arrayed on the gleaming...' I think you cannot 'array' a tablecloth, that you have to have more than one thing in order to array them.
'My breakfast arrived.' Don't need this sentence, it is stated in the following one.
I noticed that you spelled 'harbour' without the 'u' in Part 1 and with it in Part 2.
I'm concerned that whilst alone this is interesting, taken together with Part 1 it is a lot of set-up and still no real action, other than the conversation in which we do learn something. In all honesty, I think this whole part could be condensed into a paragraph or two to move the story along. You did a good job in Part 1 of building curiosity and interest, this is almost overkill. Just my opinion, of course :)
Even though I think that, it is still nicely written and as a piece of writing worthy of five stars, so here they are. :)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks, I will amend and make the changes.
Comment from Leen1
Very nicely done, most of all you captured my attention. By all means I wish to read further. Very well written giving the reader a nice buildup to what is going to surely be revealed during this meeting. The main character and the environment that we find him in is so realistic. Great story concept and thus far it's a wonderful read.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2012
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Very nicely done, most of all you captured my attention. By all means I wish to read further. Very well written giving the reader a nice buildup to what is going to surely be revealed during this meeting. The main character and the environment that we find him in is so realistic. Great story concept and thus far it's a wonderful read.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind words, I really do appreciate it!
Comment from Aarondodd1989
"busying himself(comma) collecting cutlery"
When you're talking about the fruit I would suggest making it at least two paragraphs. Starting with clammy palms.
You just order coffee, it doesn't actually arrive and then it's de-caffe. I would make a point of this during the order and also, make sure the waiter actually brings it, that yanked me right out of the story.
third para from the bottom, I would add a semi-colon instead of a full stop between it was pointless and it disheartened. or even a comma.
Again the toast, it didn't arrive and there was mention of butter. Little details like this can make a big impact on the flow of your story.
So, I like your author's voice it is consistent and believable. There are two major problems with this piece though.
Firstly it is very narrator heavy, there is an awful lot of telling which is unfortunate because you set up many chances to 'show.'
The other major problem. Nothing happens. You want to draw the reader in with your prologue, it doesn't have to be action packed, but, I have no idea what this story is about having read this and it seems like an old man is sitting in a restaurant and people watching... Waiting for someone but there is no context I can draw from.
This story has bags of potential. You have a well developed style and you understand how people think and act but something has to happen.
If you need more information just ask. Good luck with the piece.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2012
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"busying himself(comma) collecting cutlery"
When you're talking about the fruit I would suggest making it at least two paragraphs. Starting with clammy palms.
You just order coffee, it doesn't actually arrive and then it's de-caffe. I would make a point of this during the order and also, make sure the waiter actually brings it, that yanked me right out of the story.
third para from the bottom, I would add a semi-colon instead of a full stop between it was pointless and it disheartened. or even a comma.
Again the toast, it didn't arrive and there was mention of butter. Little details like this can make a big impact on the flow of your story.
So, I like your author's voice it is consistent and believable. There are two major problems with this piece though.
Firstly it is very narrator heavy, there is an awful lot of telling which is unfortunate because you set up many chances to 'show.'
The other major problem. Nothing happens. You want to draw the reader in with your prologue, it doesn't have to be action packed, but, I have no idea what this story is about having read this and it seems like an old man is sitting in a restaurant and people watching... Waiting for someone but there is no context I can draw from.
This story has bags of potential. You have a well developed style and you understand how people think and act but something has to happen.
If you need more information just ask. Good luck with the piece.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2012
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Thanks for your comments, I will make those changes. I appreciate your help.
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One agent has said they will seriously take another look at my novel if I improve my writing style, and they mention the SHOW not TELL. I have ordered a book they suggested, and also joined this and other sites as I know the critique is invaluable. I want to draw in the reader, but cannot really insert dialogue or things happening until the meeting happens. I was hoping that alluding to need of miracle and dropping hints was enough, but obviously not. Where else would you suggest I could "show"? The mysterious box and meeting with the stranger does not happen until the novel gets under way. How can I keep readers interest until then? Thanks for reading my ramble..
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Can you do me a favour and send me a private message just saying I read your work. I don't have time to respond in detail right now but I can do in the future if you do this.