The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Journal"A family learns their father is a serial killer
22 total reviews
Comment from hyway94
I really have to think on this, your fathers sister is also his mother. Wow, you had to think quit a while to come up with that one. Well I'll see you later have to go to the next one.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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I really have to think on this, your fathers sister is also his mother. Wow, you had to think quit a while to come up with that one. Well I'll see you later have to go to the next one.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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No really. It happened to a close friend of mine. I was the only one she told. Hard to deal with.
Comment from bookishfabler
What an interesting chapter. Here are some nits to look at.
much trouble he could get into discussing the case with(o) me,
I looked at Charlie and Uncle Terry, and politely asked them to leave. They looked over at Mom and then back at me. Confused, Mom said, "James, what's wrong with you?"
I looked at Charlie and Uncle Terry, and again told them to leave.
You say looked three times in a short period here, maybe use other words, like glanced, or stared, or glared.
and was wearing (wore) a red
"For God's sake, Mom, they were all sweet girls."
Mom buried her face in her hands and began to cry.
(Editor, skip a line)
John never knew his mother, he ws (was) told she died when he was a baby."
The book looked like an ordinary Journal, I'm not sure, but I don't think Journal is capitalized unless used as a name.
Alexandru Popescufamilie de ®nregistrare
sotia Alfina
Fiul lui Alexandru Propescu (editor)
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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What an interesting chapter. Here are some nits to look at.
much trouble he could get into discussing the case with(o) me,
I looked at Charlie and Uncle Terry, and politely asked them to leave. They looked over at Mom and then back at me. Confused, Mom said, "James, what's wrong with you?"
I looked at Charlie and Uncle Terry, and again told them to leave.
You say looked three times in a short period here, maybe use other words, like glanced, or stared, or glared.
and was wearing (wore) a red
"For God's sake, Mom, they were all sweet girls."
Mom buried her face in her hands and began to cry.
(Editor, skip a line)
John never knew his mother, he ws (was) told she died when he was a baby."
The book looked like an ordinary Journal, I'm not sure, but I don't think Journal is capitalized unless used as a name.
Alexandru Popescufamilie de ®nregistrare
sotia Alfina
Fiul lui Alexandru Propescu (editor)
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. I am pleased you liked this chapter.
Comment from bob cullen
Great writing as usual but a couple of minor comments.
Paragraph one. You use the phrase 'talking to me' in successive lines. I'd suggest you change the second use to 'discussing the case.'
Later on you talk about 'Anne Marie.' The next mention refers to her as 'Marie Anne.'
I love the story
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Great writing as usual but a couple of minor comments.
Paragraph one. You use the phrase 'talking to me' in successive lines. I'd suggest you change the second use to 'discussing the case.'
Later on you talk about 'Anne Marie.' The next mention refers to her as 'Marie Anne.'
I love the story
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions. I'll go back and fix them
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have left a fantastic hook.
Mom and aunt Em had to talk to me and tell me everything they knew. (I think you need a capital 'a' on aunt. You're using it for her name.)
I paused long enough for my comment to sink in before continuing. (a comma is needed after continuing)
Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about his dad's's fathers's death. (dad's father's death)
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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You have left a fantastic hook.
Mom and aunt Em had to talk to me and tell me everything they knew. (I think you need a capital 'a' on aunt. You're using it for her name.)
I paused long enough for my comment to sink in before continuing. (a comma is needed after continuing)
Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about his dad's's fathers's death. (dad's father's death)
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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That last one is a hard one. Someone slipped the journal under the the door after James's father death. Not sure how to say that.
Comment from Alaskastory
'The Journal' is a chapter that puts James and his mother through a harsh ordeal. It is effectively related but I kept wondering where Aunt Em was and why she was so silent when her sister falls apart. I expected Emily to try to offer some comfort, etc.
need to delete word: ',,learned about his dad's['s fathers's] death.
Informative chapter, Sasha.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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'The Journal' is a chapter that puts James and his mother through a harsh ordeal. It is effectively related but I kept wondering where Aunt Em was and why she was so silent when her sister falls apart. I expected Emily to try to offer some comfort, etc.
need to delete word: ',,learned about his dad's['s fathers's] death.
Informative chapter, Sasha.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. Aunt Em is a lot like her sister but confronting someone like James is harder than it seem.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
I'm sure you are aware that Evil Eddie has been playing tricks with your post. No suggestions for this other than to check it again.
This is an important and impackful chapter and I like it very much but I believe one change might make the first scene with zMom and Aunt Em more believable:
When James come into the hotel room and orders Uncle Terry and Charlie to leave, I think he needs to give a reason such as, 'I need to ask mom about dad's background. then to Uncle Terry , "Please take Charlie to the other room so we can discuss some dads bfamily.' The reason for these suggestions is to give Mom a reason for her dark fears to start to surface. As written, Mom had no reason to show great fear to James than usual before he stated asking questions and this session would start like any other recent family session. In other words, the questioning needs to bring Mom's fear to the surface. you need cause and effect before the fear starts.
i found an error in the following paragraph also; Mom answered. "Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about [his dad's's ==> your grandfather's] death. It also came with a copy of your father's birth certificate and a handwritten note stating your father's real name is Alexandru Popescu and means defender of mankind. Your grandfather's name is Adrian, which means dark. Your grandmother's name is, Alfina, which means unknown. All are of Romanian origin. {Suggestion made because of the overuse of 'da' as applied to too many relatives If you wish to keep dad this sentence should read:"Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about his dad's death.}
Now I'm ready to find out the contents of the journal.
Love and Irish hug for continuing with your great story.
Roger
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
I'm sure you are aware that Evil Eddie has been playing tricks with your post. No suggestions for this other than to check it again.
This is an important and impackful chapter and I like it very much but I believe one change might make the first scene with zMom and Aunt Em more believable:
When James come into the hotel room and orders Uncle Terry and Charlie to leave, I think he needs to give a reason such as, 'I need to ask mom about dad's background. then to Uncle Terry , "Please take Charlie to the other room so we can discuss some dads bfamily.' The reason for these suggestions is to give Mom a reason for her dark fears to start to surface. As written, Mom had no reason to show great fear to James than usual before he stated asking questions and this session would start like any other recent family session. In other words, the questioning needs to bring Mom's fear to the surface. you need cause and effect before the fear starts.
i found an error in the following paragraph also; Mom answered. "Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about [his dad's's ==> your grandfather's] death. It also came with a copy of your father's birth certificate and a handwritten note stating your father's real name is Alexandru Popescu and means defender of mankind. Your grandfather's name is Adrian, which means dark. Your grandmother's name is, Alfina, which means unknown. All are of Romanian origin. {Suggestion made because of the overuse of 'da' as applied to too many relatives If you wish to keep dad this sentence should read:"Someone slipped it under your mother's front door a few days after your father learned about his dad's death.}
Now I'm ready to find out the contents of the journal.
Love and Irish hug for continuing with your great story.
Roger
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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strange, when I check it it looks just fine. I guess I'll have to have Tom look at it.
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hi Valerie:)
It looks fine now. Maybe I had a browser problem.
Roger
Comment from RebelRose
Well now, the journal opens up a whole new can of worms. The plot thickens, as they say. I am axious to see where this is going.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Well now, the journal opens up a whole new can of worms. The plot thickens, as they say. I am axious to see where this is going.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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It certainly does. Once they get it translated I'll let you know what it says.
Comment from words
What a dark and twisted family history.
Poor James, it seems there is very little good news hidden in his family tree.
What a twisted family tree.
A fascinating read.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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What a dark and twisted family history.
Poor James, it seems there is very little good news hidden in his family tree.
What a twisted family tree.
A fascinating read.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Yes, definitely twisted. Glad you still liked it.
Comment from psalmist
Another excellent chapter. One question answered only to have several more pop up. What a suspenseful thriller this is. How sad that James had to resort to being his father for a moment in order to get his mom to respond.
I only noticed one small glitch. You refer to Anne Marie and then later call her Marie Anne. However, just keeping everyone straight and their personalities consistent has to be a tremendous task, and I commend you.
Well done and keep 'em coming. Linda
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Another excellent chapter. One question answered only to have several more pop up. What a suspenseful thriller this is. How sad that James had to resort to being his father for a moment in order to get his mom to respond.
I only noticed one small glitch. You refer to Anne Marie and then later call her Marie Anne. However, just keeping everyone straight and their personalities consistent has to be a tremendous task, and I commend you.
Well done and keep 'em coming. Linda
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Tanks for catching that. I am pleased you enjoyed this one.
Comment from marcellawachtel
This is an interesting and complex chapter; It is hard to read because the margins are way too wide. Try to do whatever is needed to make it more readable, because it would be a pity if any of your readers gets discouraged with the extra effort it requires to make sense. So much is revealed in this chapter, and you kept me mesmerized with the difficult revelations and shocking facts. Good work.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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This is an interesting and complex chapter; It is hard to read because the margins are way too wide. Try to do whatever is needed to make it more readable, because it would be a pity if any of your readers gets discouraged with the extra effort it requires to make sense. So much is revealed in this chapter, and you kept me mesmerized with the difficult revelations and shocking facts. Good work.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Sorry It seems Evil Eddie is at work again. I try to fix it. i am pleased you still liked the chapter despite the difficulty reading it.