Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Gima: Innocence in the Valley"fantasy adventure
19 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
Are there greater mountains that these? that?
who sits in the field grass/ in the short grass/in the green grass/in the whispering grass
Simultaneously, a fine mist disburses. Startled, thinking that,
disburse [dÉŠs?bÉ??s]
vb
(tr) to pay out
[from Old French desborser, from des- dis-1 + borser to obtain money, from borse bag, from Late Latin bursa]
disbursable adj
disbursement n
disburser n
Usage: Disburse is sometimes wrongly used where disperse is meant: the police used a water cannon to disperse (not disburse) the crowd
to animate by reaching out and grabbing his clothes to wound a warning of go back, leave.sound?
Hunter grit his teeth and peers over Asmel's shoulder.grits.?
I thought the first part with all the thinking :
He enjoys the heat variations of the sun; no gray sameness of the tunnels below. He loves the open, limitless sky with its daytime blues, sunset variations and
was a bit drawn out / boring - though it might be the glass of wine.
we men prefer action , appologies.
A touch of gangreene always gets the juices flowing. uke :)
Nice family scene maybe a tad too much.Z.I'm no writer so that's all I can offer.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Are there greater mountains that these? that?
who sits in the field grass/ in the short grass/in the green grass/in the whispering grass
Simultaneously, a fine mist disburses. Startled, thinking that,
disburse [dÉŠs?bÉ??s]
vb
(tr) to pay out
[from Old French desborser, from des- dis-1 + borser to obtain money, from borse bag, from Late Latin bursa]
disbursable adj
disbursement n
disburser n
Usage: Disburse is sometimes wrongly used where disperse is meant: the police used a water cannon to disperse (not disburse) the crowd
to animate by reaching out and grabbing his clothes to wound a warning of go back, leave.sound?
Hunter grit his teeth and peers over Asmel's shoulder.grits.?
I thought the first part with all the thinking :
He enjoys the heat variations of the sun; no gray sameness of the tunnels below. He loves the open, limitless sky with its daytime blues, sunset variations and
was a bit drawn out / boring - though it might be the glass of wine.
we men prefer action , appologies.
A touch of gangreene always gets the juices flowing. uke :)
Nice family scene maybe a tad too much.Z.I'm no writer so that's all I can offer.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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I did some changes as you suggested, Z. Cut out the sitting in the grass part and I usually don't do so much description as you know. This was a reminiscent chapter since Trell just woke up from being in Bellow City. It is not nearly as active up top (yet) as the escape and Trolious' spewing. Thank you for the disperse ... that was a big mistake to confuse it with disburse. I know the difference, just not the spelling. I know I don't say it that way. If I'd read it aloud, I might have caught it, so a BIG THANK YOU for catching that!
I threw the infected foot in there for all the guy's guys. LOL
I like the action, too. But the ladies seem to love this chapter. Go figure. It's hard to write for both sexes.
I'll add some sex to the next chapter and a bear.(no not sex with a bear. LOL Eyebrows would fly off ... trying to think of something more than 'raise.') Thank you again for this thorough and helpful review. Super, Z.
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You made me laugh 5 times, a great achievement, can you see that pair of eyebrows hapily flapping away into the setting sun?
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That's what I was trying to transmit to you. Glad it got there. LOL Don't they look funny without their eyebrows. LOL
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yeah see woopy ,I always say : paint some on woman it looks painful :)
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In the 20's I think they shaved them off and drew the eyebrows on. How creapy is that? She washes her face and has no eyebrows.(teeth, hair, etc)
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Horrible now I'm gona have nightmares :)
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I dream of a lone stone sock, hopping about. Maybe, it'll catch up to those eyebrows.
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If you fill it with a nice port wine.
A review I just wrote:Loony Luna silly moon
lost her man to a buffoon
he fled to Mars Oh! what an arse
in clouds of gas his nose will pass....
in fact less heinous than Uranus.
Moral : the grass is always greener on the next planet.
it might not be such a heavy load to bear
Comment from Maustin
Amazing imagination you possess. The characters are believable and interesting. The fantasy is captivating. Your work kept me engaged. The backstory is helpful. I need to read previous chapters. Very well done. Do you plan to continue and publish. Continue writing!!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Amazing imagination you possess. The characters are believable and interesting. The fantasy is captivating. Your work kept me engaged. The backstory is helpful. I need to read previous chapters. Very well done. Do you plan to continue and publish. Continue writing!!
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Thank your for your review, Maustin. I'll keep writing as long as people keep reading. :) It would be fun to publish but I don't know anything about it and have only been writing for about eight months now. Thank you for your encouragement and five stars. :) barking dog
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Good for you. I bet a few people on FS could assist. You should definitely begin to explore!! :)
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If there are any her who can. Maybe, they'll rear their heads someday. So far, no one has.I will have to figure this one out on my own, I guess. It is scarry.
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I am surprised. Consider starting with Tom the owner of FS. There are two books I will share with. Just remind me to email you later today. --Miracle :)
Comment from LAFraser
This is a well written and imaginative work. I love how you've created a whole new world and language. You weave both sides together, beautifully. I will have to go back to the beginning and read through the story, even though you've included the glossary. I would like to read all of this brilliant work.
Thank you for posting. :)
~Eilish
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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This is a well written and imaginative work. I love how you've created a whole new world and language. You weave both sides together, beautifully. I will have to go back to the beginning and read through the story, even though you've included the glossary. I would like to read all of this brilliant work.
Thank you for posting. :)
~Eilish
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Thank you, Elish for you review. I am still working on the first chapter which started out as a short story and because of interest in it I began writing the story. This is a first attempt at writing a book, so I do appreciate your finding it interesting. When you go into reading it, you will see that their is a horror side to it, especially in Bellow City. Some with high sexual content because the Vermel are instinct driven.I'm thrilled by your interest.:) barking dog
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You're welcome! Some of these stories just happen and all we can do is allow them to come to life. I will be starting in the next couple of days. :)
Have a great day!
~Eilish
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No reviews necessary, Eilish. Read and enjoy. An occassional PM on your general thoughts might be nice though. :) ellen
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I will, Ellen. Thank you so much. :)
Blessings
~Eilish
Comment from Writingfundimension
You've written another amazing chapter, Ellen. The 'mixed' family aspects fascinate me. You do such a great job painting the picture of one child feeling left out and different - not unlike many middle children in human families. I find a lot of strong psychological components to your writing that I think you do quite naturally. It's sad that the brief respite of warmth and happiness has to come to an end. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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You've written another amazing chapter, Ellen. The 'mixed' family aspects fascinate me. You do such a great job painting the picture of one child feeling left out and different - not unlike many middle children in human families. I find a lot of strong psychological components to your writing that I think you do quite naturally. It's sad that the brief respite of warmth and happiness has to come to an end. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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There is a bit more in the next chapter but then the humans mess it all up ... as usual. LOL Thank you for reading and mentioning the psychological aspects. I have to keep the action up and not go into too much head stuff. Action speaks louder than words. Even in writing. LOL:)
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I think you combine the different elements in a very professional manner, Ellen. I agree that action does seem to be what readers gravitate toward - especially on this site. Take care, Bev
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There should be a balance. I'm trying to figure that out. :) We all like stuff to happen and then wonder why the character did whatever. If they do it enough then we see a character flaw or strength. I think that kind of showing is hard to accomplish. It's way easier to tell often through dialogue that "John is such an arrogant ass." Now is he or is she jumping to conclusions? Actions will prove this statement one way or the other. I'm just rambling now. Better go. :)
Comment from peggles
This is a very interesting story
You are imaginative and on fire with this one
The dialogue is outstanding
This feels like a change is on the way for this family
at last the are getting along all all is lovely in their world
except Blathen's is off again trust him
I liked the idea of his
(wondering place)
it's very original
I also like the piece of
Trell watching the killing of a corncob
magic all the way
Brillent chapter I enjoyed it emensely
looking forward to more
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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This is a very interesting story
You are imaginative and on fire with this one
The dialogue is outstanding
This feels like a change is on the way for this family
at last the are getting along all all is lovely in their world
except Blathen's is off again trust him
I liked the idea of his
(wondering place)
it's very original
I also like the piece of
Trell watching the killing of a corncob
magic all the way
Brillent chapter I enjoyed it emensely
looking forward to more
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you, peggles. It means so much to me to hear from you and see if I got it right. I'm over the moon that you liked the corncob killing and his 'wondering place.' Thank you, thank you. I feel awkward reminding you when I post. Maybe, you might want to fan me. I only post once or twice a week, so won't flood your inbox. Again, thank you for your encouragement.:) barking dog.
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I thought I had already fanned you silly me I am so forgetful I shall do it now
I love the way you write
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I thought you had, too. Thank you. I love reading you, too.
Comment from purrfect tale
I just loved all the family bonding parts. I was interesting to think it was a family or non-humans, yet they were so happy and loving. then came the tension of the two 'fathers' closing in.
Notes:
to touch a shimmer of color(,) - never use ; with a conjunction (and)
And frisky, young squirrels (do acrobatics in the) high branches,
furry delicious one in its hole(,)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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I just loved all the family bonding parts. I was interesting to think it was a family or non-humans, yet they were so happy and loving. then came the tension of the two 'fathers' closing in.
Notes:
to touch a shimmer of color(,) - never use ; with a conjunction (and)
And frisky, young squirrels (do acrobatics in the) high branches,
furry delicious one in its hole(,)
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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I always love it when you tell me a 'never do.' Thank you! All fixed.
I hope the readers are relating to the non-humans sympathetically. It sounds like you see them as a true family. That is good.
Thank you for the six, PT. Such a lovey sight to see. :) ellen xxx
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Yes, I think you have done a wonderful job painting them as a 'regular' family. But I'm afraid this family may end up raising Caine and Abel.
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LOL Now, I can't make this a Garden of Eden thing. That is just too predictable. LOL Nice try, PT. LOL
Comment from linnietwotymez
This is a very interesting story. You are imaginative. The dialogue is outstanding, and I expect nothing less from a great writer such as yourself. Great job.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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This is a very interesting story. You are imaginative. The dialogue is outstanding, and I expect nothing less from a great writer such as yourself. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much. I appreciate your review and genrous five stars.:) barking dog
Comment from Janie King
I'm not even going to traumatize myself by trying to go here but I'm not going to chest you out of a review either since I know it's at least a 5 ...we'll go that direction. God bless.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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I'm not even going to traumatize myself by trying to go here but I'm not going to chest you out of a review either since I know it's at least a 5 ...we'll go that direction. God bless.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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This one isn't horrific at all, Janie. Thank you for the review. I do appreciate your doing this for me.:) ellen xx
Comment from Tina55
Well, from the title, this sounds as if it will be a walk in the park. LOL
I like the almost reluctant feeling walk down memory lane when Gima thinks of Papa Hunter and Papa Azzy.
I like how you develop Trell's new perspectives as an Upper Earth dweller. It adds alot of depth to his character.
With much playful woo-wooing and competitively loud off-pitched oboeing[,] the family quartet is complete.
(Great line!)
This feels like a real awakening for the family. And, especially for the reader after the violent and tense flashbacks we've weathered with Trell.
Then, just when the brothers seem to be bonding and the parents are cooing, Blathen's thoughts turn dark again. Uh-oh.
And, damn, here come the people again...
Hmm, their romp through the forest is well done, Ellen. I can't help but notice there's no snow. Grumble. Grumble. Sorry, had a moment, there. :-)
Blathen senses that this is a different kind of joy based on something intangible. It's not a joy based on pain or fear which he's catalogued many times, understands and relishes. He stores this new sensation in his 'wondering place' without any hierarchical comparison to the other 'joy' entries. All things are equally retrievable as mere facts collected for future use. The key word with a Vermel is 'use.'(This is a very telling paragraph about Blathen. I love it! Love your use of 'wondering place', it's very original!! And, I love the last line: The key word with a Vermel is 'use.')
Trell knows what he has on his hands with this one, his first born, and stoops to watch the killing of a corncob. (Great line! the killing of a corncob - love it!)
Oooh, cleverly drawn out. I really like how you break this up and show us the scene from both sides. Great write, Ellen!!
Love,
T
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Well, from the title, this sounds as if it will be a walk in the park. LOL
I like the almost reluctant feeling walk down memory lane when Gima thinks of Papa Hunter and Papa Azzy.
I like how you develop Trell's new perspectives as an Upper Earth dweller. It adds alot of depth to his character.
With much playful woo-wooing and competitively loud off-pitched oboeing[,] the family quartet is complete.
(Great line!)
This feels like a real awakening for the family. And, especially for the reader after the violent and tense flashbacks we've weathered with Trell.
Then, just when the brothers seem to be bonding and the parents are cooing, Blathen's thoughts turn dark again. Uh-oh.
And, damn, here come the people again...
Hmm, their romp through the forest is well done, Ellen. I can't help but notice there's no snow. Grumble. Grumble. Sorry, had a moment, there. :-)
Blathen senses that this is a different kind of joy based on something intangible. It's not a joy based on pain or fear which he's catalogued many times, understands and relishes. He stores this new sensation in his 'wondering place' without any hierarchical comparison to the other 'joy' entries. All things are equally retrievable as mere facts collected for future use. The key word with a Vermel is 'use.'(This is a very telling paragraph about Blathen. I love it! Love your use of 'wondering place', it's very original!! And, I love the last line: The key word with a Vermel is 'use.')
Trell knows what he has on his hands with this one, his first born, and stoops to watch the killing of a corncob. (Great line! the killing of a corncob - love it!)
Oooh, cleverly drawn out. I really like how you break this up and show us the scene from both sides. Great write, Ellen!!
Love,
T
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Thank you sooooo much Tina for picking my fav parts and liking them, too. I just had to put the killing of a corn cob in there. LOL I hoped to set up that Trell will be the only one to really understand and handle Blathen.
No snow, but I am looking forward to that when the seasons change ... in Upper Earth, not for real. LOL Poor baby.
I'm so glad that you saw all the individual character development that I did on the Trell and Blathen. Now, I need to add a bit more of Gima and when Zee gets a bit older I can add more for him. He is just a stupid, boring one(according to Blathen) now who wonders why he doesn't have a twisty thing like his brother. LOL
Thank you ever so much for the six. Now, I have to take care of Hunter's foot and prepare some willow bark tea for the pain.(ain't research fun?)
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
A great new chapter to the book.
Good, easy flowing dialogue between the characters. Enough background descriptions to make it interesting.
The problem in a long tale is to maintain the tension. Your cross cutting between the hunters and hunted achieves that.
One thing to consider - have the hunters run into a victim that they slaughter. Let the reader's know these men are killers. Or did you already do that in a chapter I missed?
Ron xox
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi ellen
A great new chapter to the book.
Good, easy flowing dialogue between the characters. Enough background descriptions to make it interesting.
The problem in a long tale is to maintain the tension. Your cross cutting between the hunters and hunted achieves that.
One thing to consider - have the hunters run into a victim that they slaughter. Let the reader's know these men are killers. Or did you already do that in a chapter I missed?
Ron xox
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi Ron, thank you for your suggestion but the earlier chapters have established that Asmel is a killer. He killed Ticum in Bellow City when rescuing Hunter. He wants to kill Gima because she ate the first baby born to her and he fears she will kill the only one that he knows she has, Zee. They know nothing about Trell or Blathen. Hunter has a soft spot for Gima and would forgive her. This is a rift between these men. The both want to save the baby who they think one of them has fathered.
It's coming along only 22K words to go to 60K. LOL Thank you for the sixer and please feel free to give me any suggestions that you have. I'm glad that what you mentioned was already established. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.:)ellen xx
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I remember the eating the baby. But must have missed the killing when I was in Florida. Back to normal now - so should catch all your next chapters! xox
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That still gives me the chills. LOL It'll all play out.