Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Gima: Boys Will Be Boys"fantasy adventure
15 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
This is certainly one of the most interesting fantasy books I've read on the site. You maintain a very consistent vision for your story and manage to make the inconceivable seem possible. I particularly enjoyed this line: 'New distractions are always available in Bellow City. Tomorrow never misses the dead. New associations form as routinely and easily as a detached particulate collector is stitched into place, or a prostheses is attached." Great writing, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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This is certainly one of the most interesting fantasy books I've read on the site. You maintain a very consistent vision for your story and manage to make the inconceivable seem possible. I particularly enjoyed this line: 'New distractions are always available in Bellow City. Tomorrow never misses the dead. New associations form as routinely and easily as a detached particulate collector is stitched into place, or a prostheses is attached." Great writing, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, Bev for this review and lovely sixer. I went back in after posting and added the 'Tomorrow never misses the dead' line. I often wonder how much poetic flavor can be put into a prose piece without it mucking things up. I love that you picked this section to note. I have to post a few more chapters in the Valley. I really miss Bellow City and am ready to go to other parts of Under Earth. Thank you for sticking with me in this my first attempt to write a novel.:) ellen
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Hi, Ellen. I know there was a recent post that informed readers that poetic phrases should be limited in the writing of prose pieces, but I think that folks like Emily Bronte, Margaret Mitchell and Edgar Allen Poe might be inclined to disagree. It's the kind of writing I grew up on and I'm always going to want a romantic element to my writing. The push for flash-fiction-style writing is a trend that I'm very leery of. It has its place no doubt, but to what extent I'm still on the fence. Hugs, Bev
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I can see where some writing can be laborious if repetitive but to spice it up with metaphores or lovely descriptions can't be wrong. They are why we read. I don't want to read bare bones, a pared down laundry list.
I think, too, it depends what you are writing about and even in a novel, what the scene is about and how fast it need to move along. No extra words allowed during a fight scene to describe the blood or blows metaphorically. Imagine how riduclious that would sound and how the pacing would got to ... well you know.
So I guess there is a need and a place for it all and no one should dictate to the other. I can't write flash fiction. I cut it to such bare bones that it is just gobble-gook. LOL I love all the authors you listed. Never tire of going back and re-reading their works. Who wrote the article about limiting poetic phrases from prose. I know Spitfire has been writing some articles 'how-to-write' recently . :)
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I agree with everything you've said, Ellen. You've expressed the situation clearly and I appreciate your sharing thoughts that are quite in line with my own on the matter. But, I'm far from a professional at this point, so I ask myself, at every step, if I've added overdone phrases or used a passive voice when an action verb would be better. Before writing full-time, I had no idea how much work it is! But hey, it's worth it. Xxx Bev
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I just found out what passive voice was and how to preferably not use it. Yes, I'm a learner, too, and this thing called writing is harder than I'd ever imagined. How dumb to think that because the greats make it look so easy, that it is.:)
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Boy, ain't that the truth. The passive verb business gives me fits. Along with commas, semi-colons, feminine/masculine voices (who knew!) and a countless number of other elements. So, the next time you get those 5's and 6's, remember you've earned them! Hugs, Bev
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And ditto for you as well.:) ellen xxx
Comment from adewpearl
excellent detail of setting
her husband, Trolius, though ripped - add the second comma
What a powerful visual of Trolius carrying his own hand
Honey Pot's other earring, which - add comma
Powerful conveyance of characters' emotions
strong verb choices add to the power of the story
Trell does a very, human thing - drop the comma
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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excellent detail of setting
her husband, Trolius, though ripped - add the second comma
What a powerful visual of Trolius carrying his own hand
Honey Pot's other earring, which - add comma
Powerful conveyance of characters' emotions
strong verb choices add to the power of the story
Trell does a very, human thing - drop the comma
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 25-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Brooke for your fine and generous review. I hope to keep up the interest as the Valley characters are tired of waiting for their turns to perform. LOL Thank you for the comma corrections, too. :) ellen xxx
Comment from Lylise
Father knows best, eh?
Again, my dear, I think this chapter is better than the last. You continue to blossom (you sweet thang! yes..thang). Are you published? You are without question the best writer on this site. You continue to amaze me!
And now...... the review. I have 2 suggestions for SPAGs. "The guard(')s remains... and "Silver foam, acid(')s precursor" (one of my favorite phrases) Here are my other favorites. ...Sadie paces ..."sentence "Tomorrow never misses the dead." "Purple headed grackle take flight." I must hear more about these guys. "A nearby boulder reflects.." sentence. All killer writing. I think I said earlier that I am getting to know your rhythm and story characters and the whole frame of reference so these chapters read easier and quicker.
Sorry for delay. You're incredible.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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Father knows best, eh?
Again, my dear, I think this chapter is better than the last. You continue to blossom (you sweet thang! yes..thang). Are you published? You are without question the best writer on this site. You continue to amaze me!
And now...... the review. I have 2 suggestions for SPAGs. "The guard(')s remains... and "Silver foam, acid(')s precursor" (one of my favorite phrases) Here are my other favorites. ...Sadie paces ..."sentence "Tomorrow never misses the dead." "Purple headed grackle take flight." I must hear more about these guys. "A nearby boulder reflects.." sentence. All killer writing. I think I said earlier that I am getting to know your rhythm and story characters and the whole frame of reference so these chapters read easier and quicker.
Sorry for delay. You're incredible.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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I'm glad you caught those spags. I had just re-written those two areas and did mess up on the possessives and I went merrily on my way. Spell check of course is no help in recognizing possessives.
You also liked my added line "Tomorrow never..."
Marvelous review. Now to fix the spags. Thank you so much, lynda.:) ellen xxx
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Reviewing you is easy. I see you left a message. Going there now.
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:)ellen
Comment from Nomar Chagrin
Hey Bark, I don't read a lot of fantasy stuff, but this was highly imaginative, enjoyable, and well-paced. The dream episode fit in nicely. I haven't followed this book, but I see the characters are very well-varied. I mean a variety of good, evil, weak, string, etc. that play off on each other.
My only suggestion would be to go back and check the passives, especially near the beginning, to see if you think they might sound a bit crisper in the active voice.
Anyway, I enjoyed this Bark. Keep up the good work.
~ CJ
~ CJ
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hey Bark, I don't read a lot of fantasy stuff, but this was highly imaginative, enjoyable, and well-paced. The dream episode fit in nicely. I haven't followed this book, but I see the characters are very well-varied. I mean a variety of good, evil, weak, string, etc. that play off on each other.
My only suggestion would be to go back and check the passives, especially near the beginning, to see if you think they might sound a bit crisper in the active voice.
Anyway, I enjoyed this Bark. Keep up the good work.
~ CJ
~ CJ
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thank you CJ. I'm so grateful for your input. This was a gentle chapter compared to the previous violent ones whose characters were in the beginning of this post. Is that the section you were refering to? Would you be so kind as to give me an example of passives. I don't know how to correct what you refer to. One example and I can go from there. Thank you again for checking up on me. I am happy and smiling though still confused about the passive/active thing.
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Well, passive sentences donâ??t really have a subject, and the verb is a â??be-verb,â?? i.e., is, am, was, were, been, etc. which are very inert. For example, â??I was bit by the dogâ?? isnâ??t quite as sharp as â??The dog bit me.â?? Or â??I was loved by my motherâ?? is not as concise and to the point as â??My mother loved me.â?? The tell-tale sign for passives is the â??be-verbs.â??
â??the guardsâ?? remains will be picked up in the morning by the local cadaver unitâ?? could be, â??In the morning, the local cadaver unit will pick up the guardsâ?? remains.â??
hher relic has been stolen by the Vertant in Booth #11, the one named Trell. Could be, â??The vertant in Booth # 11, the one named Trell, stole her relic.
â?? Sheâ??s hopefulâ?? could be â??she hopesâ??
New associations are formed, could be â??They form new associations.â?? There are three other passives in that short paragraph, but Iâ??m not sure Iâ??d change the others, because the subject is quite general.
â??His hands are tucked under him to hide his claws.â?? Could be, â??He tucked his hands under him to hide his claws.â??
His particulate collector is held inward using intense will-power.â?? Could be â??Using intense willpower, he holds his particulate collector inward.
â??just as he had been taught by his Aunt Bettaâ?? could be â??just as Aunt Betty taught him.â??
I would just look at the passives and see if you want to change any of them. Donâ??t change them just for the sake of it. If you prefer how the passives sound to the actives, keep them. I personally write very little passive phrases, but every style is different.
Whoa, the formjatting got all screwed up in my response there. Just let me know if you have any questions about it. Thanks.
~ CJ
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I think you're right about this. The other chapters were more active in structure and they did read better. I don't know why my my mind went passive on this chapter. I found it difficult to write. The others came off like a breeze. The others got sixes. This one is not so good and now I do see why. I'll watch for this in the future and not get turned around again.
Evil Eddie went nuts with your response. Thank you so much for your help. CJ. No one else caught this. :) ellen
Comment from strandregs
shows his first sign of fear - a terror with out a face. without - one word?
Well written , enjoyed reading, liked the sprinkler in the end . nice ending for the chapter.warm and loving.Z.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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shows his first sign of fear - a terror with out a face. without - one word?
Well written , enjoyed reading, liked the sprinkler in the end . nice ending for the chapter.warm and loving.Z.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Z for reviewing and catching the without. It is one word. Me and my fast thumb. I'm always adding extra spaces. I'm glad you like the encd of the chapter.It did feel boring compared to my usual ones though. :) BD
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I'll try really hard to write something to cheer you up :).Z.
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I revamped this piece. Found out that the problem was too much passive voice. Didn't know what that was, now I do. It is ok some, but I had go into overdrive in this chapter. That was what as bothering me and another reader, Capt. Jack pointed it out. Reviewers are the best. I am so happy to have made another step of progress in learning to write. I feel like a kid in school. LOL
I hope you and your family are doing well.
Write about your children some time. They are alway into something, I'm sure. Mine were. Little monkeys -- curious, active, jabber-boxes.
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I promise to tear you to bits next time I review
ARRGHGHGHGHGHG. :)
Comment from Tina55
I still can't get over the depth of your imagination, Ellen.
You never skip a beat in this world, and never give me a glimpse of the real world when I'm reading about it.
Your language is strong with specific, hard verbs where necessary, and softer, gentler verbs where they need to be. Excellent descriptive voice.
You take hold of your reader and refuse to let go. :-)
I feel for Lida.
I'm intrigued by Sadie.
Trolious is one hard son of a b****. Carrying is own hand and looking forward to the made-to-order prosthesis is cold, but the sign of a survivor.
I feel for Lida.
You keep the pace moving well, Ellen. When you go back to the escapees I always feel like something bad is about to happen.
I like the transition to Trell dreaming.
a terror with out a face. (without - it should be one word, I believe)
Yikes, that dream turned ugly. What a tense write.
I love how you describe the shadow on the boulder, that's very clever!
You've written alot of emotion into these characters. Their problems feel like our problems as a result. Well done.
Blathen blinks his single dark eye that would never cry; but it wants to. More than ever, Blathen wants to do what the other three find so easy. He's hopeful that since he has made the appropriate sounds to which his father did respond, that he will someday also learn to cry. Content with this reasoning, for the time being, he reaches over and strokes Zee who reaches back, cautiously, with a hug. (Wow. This is a perfect example of learning from one's environment. Aching to be accepted sounds like it is going to cause Blathen no shortness of trouble in the future.)
What a warm ending to a tense post.
Nicely done, Ellen!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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I still can't get over the depth of your imagination, Ellen.
You never skip a beat in this world, and never give me a glimpse of the real world when I'm reading about it.
Your language is strong with specific, hard verbs where necessary, and softer, gentler verbs where they need to be. Excellent descriptive voice.
You take hold of your reader and refuse to let go. :-)
I feel for Lida.
I'm intrigued by Sadie.
Trolious is one hard son of a b****. Carrying is own hand and looking forward to the made-to-order prosthesis is cold, but the sign of a survivor.
I feel for Lida.
You keep the pace moving well, Ellen. When you go back to the escapees I always feel like something bad is about to happen.
I like the transition to Trell dreaming.
a terror with out a face. (without - it should be one word, I believe)
Yikes, that dream turned ugly. What a tense write.
I love how you describe the shadow on the boulder, that's very clever!
You've written alot of emotion into these characters. Their problems feel like our problems as a result. Well done.
Blathen blinks his single dark eye that would never cry; but it wants to. More than ever, Blathen wants to do what the other three find so easy. He's hopeful that since he has made the appropriate sounds to which his father did respond, that he will someday also learn to cry. Content with this reasoning, for the time being, he reaches over and strokes Zee who reaches back, cautiously, with a hug. (Wow. This is a perfect example of learning from one's environment. Aching to be accepted sounds like it is going to cause Blathen no shortness of trouble in the future.)
What a warm ending to a tense post.
Nicely done, Ellen!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for your noting that the real world is not visible in this one. I make every effort to not use words like child when speaking of Blathen or woman/man in reference to a Vermel or Vertant as well as other descriptors that take the reader back to their own environment. It's harder when I come to upper earth when working with Asmel and Hunter who are about to make an appearance. Damn, they've been in the woods a long time. LOL I'll go in and change that without. Thanks you again, Tina. :) ellen xxx
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You do a great job of it, Ellen. Keep it up!
Comment from ulster3
Wow! barking dog ...
What a cast of characters, interesting descriptives, and I appreciate the notes. You have the vivid imagination of some of the best fantasy writers, even the sci-fi writers. This is meant as a compliment as many were true visionaries. I do hope, however, that this never comes to pass. I watched a science program the other night that predicts in twenty years there will be androids and they will be so human we won't even know if we are android or human. Imagine that! Some scary stuff going around. This chapter brought feelings of fright, sorrow, and family warmth. Great writing.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Wow! barking dog ...
What a cast of characters, interesting descriptives, and I appreciate the notes. You have the vivid imagination of some of the best fantasy writers, even the sci-fi writers. This is meant as a compliment as many were true visionaries. I do hope, however, that this never comes to pass. I watched a science program the other night that predicts in twenty years there will be androids and they will be so human we won't even know if we are android or human. Imagine that! Some scary stuff going around. This chapter brought feelings of fright, sorrow, and family warmth. Great writing.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Rebecca for you glowing remarks. This wasn't one of my best chapters. I love being in Bellow City but had to come up for air and check on the Vertant family in the meadow. The humans, Asmel and Hunter, are approaching and so it was time to come top-side for a while. I hope to keep it interesting.:) written by an experimental android, barking dog
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lol. Your creativity is only exceeded by your great sense of humor. Hugs, Reb
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I just couldn't resist your great set up. LOL:) ellen
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Hi, ellen. I must try to always set up a chuckle when I review you. Hugs, Reb
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What fun. LOL:)BD
Comment from purrfect tale
Great scene of family togetherness. You've used a wonderful way for Blathen to start showing his personality. I'm hoping the brothers will remain close.
with her severed particulate collector preserved in a jar of her own blood - oh gross! But what a great line.
Notes:
before she began to melt(,)
It's a bit tight(,) but will do
Zee from an unfor(e)seen danger(,) - watch for independent clauses connected with a conjunction
Zee wails, waking to the() initially, small punctures.
Pitifully forlorn(,) Blathen rocks back - this is like an intro. The sentence would mean the same without it so you need a comma
walks over to scoop up this(,)
More than ever(,) Blathen wants to do - the intro thing again
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Great scene of family togetherness. You've used a wonderful way for Blathen to start showing his personality. I'm hoping the brothers will remain close.
with her severed particulate collector preserved in a jar of her own blood - oh gross! But what a great line.
Notes:
before she began to melt(,)
It's a bit tight(,) but will do
Zee from an unfor(e)seen danger(,) - watch for independent clauses connected with a conjunction
Zee wails, waking to the() initially, small punctures.
Pitifully forlorn(,) Blathen rocks back - this is like an intro. The sentence would mean the same without it so you need a comma
walks over to scoop up this(,)
More than ever(,) Blathen wants to do - the intro thing again
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I've been reverting back to my old ways again. Thank you for catching these and I did go through and find others. When I review so many really bad posts, I find that I slip back into my own. I must be strong! LOL Again, thank you so much for your review, PT. :) BD
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Picking up a severed hand
and walking off... how violent
it is in places, Ellen - quite
fascinating... such a vivid imagination.
on-going
irridescent - iridescent
attention,"release - spave after comma
me, up, up[.](,)" he chorts.
nearby - one word
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Picking up a severed hand
and walking off... how violent
it is in places, Ellen - quite
fascinating... such a vivid imagination.
on-going
irridescent - iridescent
attention,"release - spave after comma
me, up, up[.](,)" he chorts.
nearby - one word
Margaret
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Margaret for reviewing and catching some of the nits. This chapter was hard because I wanted to continue the escape and introduce more adventure, but there were things to do on top to set it up for below. LOL Have a great day, my friend. :) ellen
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
I'm afraid I'm way behind in reviewing your novel (after being kidnapped) so need to do some catch up before I can give a fair opinion.
But you are going where many on this site fear to tread - and I love it.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Hi ellen
I'm afraid I'm way behind in reviewing your novel (after being kidnapped) so need to do some catch up before I can give a fair opinion.
But you are going where many on this site fear to tread - and I love it.
Ron xox
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Ron for reading this chapter. Do you have any comment on it for improvement? :) ellen