The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "James Takes Charge"A family learns their father is a serial killer
21 total reviews
Comment from missy98writer
Sahsa,
Your latest chapter is smartly written with excellent descriptive writing and great dialogue. Your story is riveting and you're adding to James and his plight with his family over his serial killer father. I like how you show, not tell and as I read your chapter I could see the action take place in my head with fine imagery. I've been attempting to keep up with James story. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers as a 'must' read for a professional write. I'd encourage you to keep moving forward with your crime story, my friend. I need to reread and review your next three chapters. I bid you a marvelous day, my friend. Love ya...Melissa.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Sahsa,
Your latest chapter is smartly written with excellent descriptive writing and great dialogue. Your story is riveting and you're adding to James and his plight with his family over his serial killer father. I like how you show, not tell and as I read your chapter I could see the action take place in my head with fine imagery. I've been attempting to keep up with James story. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers as a 'must' read for a professional write. I'd encourage you to keep moving forward with your crime story, my friend. I need to reread and review your next three chapters. I bid you a marvelous day, my friend. Love ya...Melissa.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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I know I keep saying the same thing, but I am so pleased you are enjoying this.
Comment from Cranial Thinker
I could really see this coming Susan being so trusting and openingly honest yet extremely thin skinned in character
placing the words of people into emotional catigories that
could truly destroy her internal world displacing her assessment or value of her own being,a true suicidal coctail
waiting to happen,but that James is quiet the one sharp in every way putting even a psychiatrist to shame with his fast
wit and intellegent demeanor....So very well done my friend,I am truly very much into this story....Cranial Thinker
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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I could really see this coming Susan being so trusting and openingly honest yet extremely thin skinned in character
placing the words of people into emotional catigories that
could truly destroy her internal world displacing her assessment or value of her own being,a true suicidal coctail
waiting to happen,but that James is quiet the one sharp in every way putting even a psychiatrist to shame with his fast
wit and intellegent demeanor....So very well done my friend,I am truly very much into this story....Cranial Thinker
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thank you. I am pleased you are enjoying his.
Comment from psalmist
You show such a keen sense of insight, that I wonder if some of this comes to you from personal experience. You really have a knack of drawing the reader in, and making them connect with the characters. I thought James' assessment of his mom: I wondered if I would ever really know who Mom was or, if the real Martha Mathews still existed.. . was so astute and I realized I wondered the same thing. Great job. Linda
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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You show such a keen sense of insight, that I wonder if some of this comes to you from personal experience. You really have a knack of drawing the reader in, and making them connect with the characters. I thought James' assessment of his mom: I wondered if I would ever really know who Mom was or, if the real Martha Mathews still existed.. . was so astute and I realized I wondered the same thing. Great job. Linda
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Yes, I draw a lot of this from my own personal life...never knew any serial killers though. I am so pleased you think I am doing a good job with this.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
"Your daughter has lost a significant amount [of] blood and the cut on her wrist is severe.
I'm not sure, but I think for anyone to visit someone in jail, the inmate has to put that person on his visitor list.
Still doing good. Very gripping.
Roberta
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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"Your daughter has lost a significant amount [of] blood and the cut on her wrist is severe.
I'm not sure, but I think for anyone to visit someone in jail, the inmate has to put that person on his visitor list.
Still doing good. Very gripping.
Roberta
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Yes, they do but Mr. Hurley is able to contact his lawyer and make the request. Thanks for catching the spag.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
This chapter displays all of your insight into human nature and displays the writing skills necessary to manipulate your reader minds and build up great suspense and high drama. As usual I have some specific comments:
1. Mom answered each question as though her brain were on autopilot. She always dealt with pressure by shutting down and transforming into a quiet, polite, non intrusive robot, never showing her true emotions. Dad had done such a good job turning her into June Cleaver, I wondered if I would ever really know who Mom was or, if the real Martha Mathews still existed. {mon is exhibiting post traumatic shock syndrome as certainly as a battle scared soldier. First the shock of her husband's terrible crimes and now Susan's attempted suicide seem to have removed conscious control of her mind, as she opperates on 'automatic pilot.' Powerful paragraph.}
2. I love the surreal conversation between the unaware psychiatrist and James:
"What type of stress?"
Dr. Shrink obviously didn't read the newspaper, watch television, or subscribe to any of the tabloids.
"Our father was just arrested and charged with the Belltown murders. I am sure you can understand the shock something like that can cause. It has been hard on all of us, but especially Susan."
The doctor looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "How are you doing under all this pressure, young man?"
I grinned and couldn't resist asking, "Why? Are you offering us a family discount?"
The doctor smiled. "Be careful. I often find inappropriate displays of humor the first sign of emotional fatigue."
I laughed. "And I sometimes find humor a necessary release valve for built up tension. There's always more than one way of looking at a situation."
The doctor smiled again. "Very true." {As the doctor slowly understands the extraordinary circumstances of Susan's attempted suicide, everything changes. This is great drama, but totally realistic. It will be a great scene in the movie!}
3. When I stepped into the waiting room, I immediately saw Charlie cowering in the corner, trying to hide from the crowd of television reporters standing on the sidewalk in front of the Emergency Room. I clicked my fingers to get his attention, signaled him to follow me, and we went back into the examination room together. I asked the doctor to go out and tell the reporters there would be no statement from the hospital or family. James has rescued Charlie from the scrutiny of reporters and is now the head of the family, at the age of eighteen. what a weight on his shoulders.}
4. The tears welling up in my eyes burned. My sister was in trouble and there was nothing on Dad's list of what to do in an emergency that told me what I could do to help. As I brushed the still wet hair from Susan's forehead, I noticed a single tear trickling down her cheek. I smiled, knowing she was still with us. I kissed her again and said, "Take your time, Susan. Take all the time you need. I'll come and see you every day, I promise." {One little tear of hope for Susan's mind.}
5.Mom stayed at the hospital with Susan. Charlie and I, leaving through a side exit, took a taxi back to the hotel. As soon as I walked into the room, I called Mr. Hurley and told him I wanted him to arrange a meeting between Dad and me.{Now James prepares to assert any pressure necessary to meet with his father. James' power of persuasion is unusual, even with his high intelligence. Most people would just fold under the pressure.}
6. Charlie looked at me intently for several seconds with an expression of confusion on his face. He suddenly threw his hands into the air, then, without saying where he was going, stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.{Poor Charlie, he just can't quite cope with the pressure.}
I am ready to red more. Once more, I wish I could give you more stars. You richly deserve them.
Love and Irish hugs, dear friend,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
This chapter displays all of your insight into human nature and displays the writing skills necessary to manipulate your reader minds and build up great suspense and high drama. As usual I have some specific comments:
1. Mom answered each question as though her brain were on autopilot. She always dealt with pressure by shutting down and transforming into a quiet, polite, non intrusive robot, never showing her true emotions. Dad had done such a good job turning her into June Cleaver, I wondered if I would ever really know who Mom was or, if the real Martha Mathews still existed. {mon is exhibiting post traumatic shock syndrome as certainly as a battle scared soldier. First the shock of her husband's terrible crimes and now Susan's attempted suicide seem to have removed conscious control of her mind, as she opperates on 'automatic pilot.' Powerful paragraph.}
2. I love the surreal conversation between the unaware psychiatrist and James:
"What type of stress?"
Dr. Shrink obviously didn't read the newspaper, watch television, or subscribe to any of the tabloids.
"Our father was just arrested and charged with the Belltown murders. I am sure you can understand the shock something like that can cause. It has been hard on all of us, but especially Susan."
The doctor looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "How are you doing under all this pressure, young man?"
I grinned and couldn't resist asking, "Why? Are you offering us a family discount?"
The doctor smiled. "Be careful. I often find inappropriate displays of humor the first sign of emotional fatigue."
I laughed. "And I sometimes find humor a necessary release valve for built up tension. There's always more than one way of looking at a situation."
The doctor smiled again. "Very true." {As the doctor slowly understands the extraordinary circumstances of Susan's attempted suicide, everything changes. This is great drama, but totally realistic. It will be a great scene in the movie!}
3. When I stepped into the waiting room, I immediately saw Charlie cowering in the corner, trying to hide from the crowd of television reporters standing on the sidewalk in front of the Emergency Room. I clicked my fingers to get his attention, signaled him to follow me, and we went back into the examination room together. I asked the doctor to go out and tell the reporters there would be no statement from the hospital or family. James has rescued Charlie from the scrutiny of reporters and is now the head of the family, at the age of eighteen. what a weight on his shoulders.}
4. The tears welling up in my eyes burned. My sister was in trouble and there was nothing on Dad's list of what to do in an emergency that told me what I could do to help. As I brushed the still wet hair from Susan's forehead, I noticed a single tear trickling down her cheek. I smiled, knowing she was still with us. I kissed her again and said, "Take your time, Susan. Take all the time you need. I'll come and see you every day, I promise." {One little tear of hope for Susan's mind.}
5.Mom stayed at the hospital with Susan. Charlie and I, leaving through a side exit, took a taxi back to the hotel. As soon as I walked into the room, I called Mr. Hurley and told him I wanted him to arrange a meeting between Dad and me.{Now James prepares to assert any pressure necessary to meet with his father. James' power of persuasion is unusual, even with his high intelligence. Most people would just fold under the pressure.}
6. Charlie looked at me intently for several seconds with an expression of confusion on his face. He suddenly threw his hands into the air, then, without saying where he was going, stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.{Poor Charlie, he just can't quite cope with the pressure.}
I am ready to red more. Once more, I wish I could give you more stars. You richly deserve them.
Love and Irish hugs, dear friend,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Just knowing that you liked this one is more than enough.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I thought you handled the drama of this chapter admirably. The ability of James to take charge of the situation in the face of his father's previous behaviour with the family is almost a relief to the reader. Giddy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I thought you handled the drama of this chapter admirably. The ability of James to take charge of the situation in the face of his father's previous behaviour with the family is almost a relief to the reader. Giddy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I think of James as the son I never had. I just love him.
Comment from Alaskastory
'James Takes Charge' is a chapter that brought back memory of the original, but I'm guessing you added even more detail and realism. Well done!
Is this a typo or a word I don't know? 'One [yppl ] her pulse and.....
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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'James Takes Charge' is a chapter that brought back memory of the original, but I'm guessing you added even more detail and realism. Well done!
Is this a typo or a word I don't know? 'One [yppl ] her pulse and.....
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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I'll have to look at that and see what I was trying to say...sorry. Glad you like this one. Yes, I changed this one a little.
Comment from axelbeariter
One was taking her pulse and monitoring her blood pressure while the other repeatedly asked her to say her name./Use an active voice; One took her pulse and monitored----Our father is a murdering piece of shit, Susan's boyfriend is an asshole who told the television reporters she was a slut, and oh yeah, this morning, she saw her picture on the front page of the country's biggest tabloid./Great internal dialogue----The doctor smiled again and nodded. "Very true."/This will seem silly and nitpicky, but you can believe a submissions screener would be tempted to flip your manuscript onto the slush pile, because nodded could be considered as meaning the same as "Very true." therefore making the passage redundant. Your call though----
I interrupted/You don't need to say that. Your ellipses noted that the dialogue was interrupted----This was another great write.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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One was taking her pulse and monitoring her blood pressure while the other repeatedly asked her to say her name./Use an active voice; One took her pulse and monitored----Our father is a murdering piece of shit, Susan's boyfriend is an asshole who told the television reporters she was a slut, and oh yeah, this morning, she saw her picture on the front page of the country's biggest tabloid./Great internal dialogue----The doctor smiled again and nodded. "Very true."/This will seem silly and nitpicky, but you can believe a submissions screener would be tempted to flip your manuscript onto the slush pile, because nodded could be considered as meaning the same as "Very true." therefore making the passage redundant. Your call though----
I interrupted/You don't need to say that. Your ellipses noted that the dialogue was interrupted----This was another great write.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions. I always appreciate them.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You left a good hook. I was just wondering about money. I know I would have difficulty coming up with all the taxi money and food money in an emergency situation.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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You left a good hook. I was just wondering about money. I know I would have difficulty coming up with all the taxi money and food money in an emergency situation.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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In the first chapter I mention that the family is wealthy...Mom's parents own property and have major stock in Microsoft ect.
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Sorry, I must have forgotten.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
James has such an old
head on his young shoulders...
Charlie is not handling it
so well.
non-intrusive
A great chapter, Sasha.
Margaret
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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James has such an old
head on his young shoulders...
Charlie is not handling it
so well.
non-intrusive
A great chapter, Sasha.
Margaret
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Thanks...(: