Tales from Sardine City
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fishy Questions"Dark Science Fiction
44 total reviews
Comment from elgone
Nicely done, read this after reading part two, but that's okay. It filled in some of the pieces, leaving other questions left to be explored. I enjoyed the read. It's a solid story you've begun here.
E
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2012
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Nicely done, read this after reading part two, but that's okay. It filled in some of the pieces, leaving other questions left to be explored. I enjoyed the read. It's a solid story you've begun here.
E
Comment Written 29-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2012
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Thanks, E, I'm so happy you went back too this.
Comment from june bug
Wow! Robotic science fiction! I enjoyed this entertaining and imaginative story. Great analogies! Made me want to read on. Great dialogue to move your story. However, use the past tense in the final line where you write, " .. my tin can room was crowded enough as it is, with me." It should read, .... my tin can room was crowded enough as it was, with only me." I must commend you however because it is rare that I read much science fiction and now I just might start! Fantastic job. All the best to you.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Wow! Robotic science fiction! I enjoyed this entertaining and imaginative story. Great analogies! Made me want to read on. Great dialogue to move your story. However, use the past tense in the final line where you write, " .. my tin can room was crowded enough as it is, with me." It should read, .... my tin can room was crowded enough as it was, with only me." I must commend you however because it is rare that I read much science fiction and now I just might start! Fantastic job. All the best to you.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks JB, Good point in the end line. It was my first time too. :)
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You are very welcome. You really have an amazing mind and I would recommend your writing to others. Best regards always.
Comment from Rasp E
Oooh, you're right...I do like it. There'll be more, yes?
Such a cold, alien world...certainly sets the stage. I did have a little trouble getting a grip on the scene at the very beginning. I think because there wasn't anything familiar to latch to while I took a look 'round this new place, figuratively speaking. But it does lock in pretty well by the end of the third paragraph.
Chillingly good start to what promises to be a nice, creepy surrel tale. Can't wait to see where this is going.
E
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Oooh, you're right...I do like it. There'll be more, yes?
Such a cold, alien world...certainly sets the stage. I did have a little trouble getting a grip on the scene at the very beginning. I think because there wasn't anything familiar to latch to while I took a look 'round this new place, figuratively speaking. But it does lock in pretty well by the end of the third paragraph.
Chillingly good start to what promises to be a nice, creepy surrel tale. Can't wait to see where this is going.
E
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hey, E. You finally got round to it. I left this a little vague on purpose, as this world would be to us. But I've had a lot of reviews about 'confusion' so think I will add a few hundred words at the beginning for a quick fix.
I will be getting back to Ash and Ostar this weekend, I might even get it finished, so you best get writing, :).
Ps I miss your nostrils, but that picture is much more flattering .
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And yes, there will be more. :)
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I actually made the ugly pic on purpose...there was a dude giving me a hard time. But as he seems to have disappeared...
Once I've recovered from the hangover I intend to have tomorrow, post the girl's night festivities...I'll buckle down and get back in it. :)
E
Comment from Chris Tee
This is an amazing story that you wrote here old sport. You kept me captivated throughout the read and it was indeed a pleasure to read and review this work. Well done old sport.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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This is an amazing story that you wrote here old sport. You kept me captivated throughout the read and it was indeed a pleasure to read and review this work. Well done old sport.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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thanks very much
Comment from samandlancelot
Herb,
Your writing style from the killer's point of view works to show the craziness in his thinking and his experiences throughout the chapter. You have a very creative idea about how to deal with the killer's guilt. To have the killer experience the emotions of his victims should make for a powerful story.
Patricia
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Herb,
Your writing style from the killer's point of view works to show the craziness in his thinking and his experiences throughout the chapter. You have a very creative idea about how to deal with the killer's guilt. To have the killer experience the emotions of his victims should make for a powerful story.
Patricia
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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thanks very much
Comment from Anisa-
UK English, my fav :)
Ok ... Whoa!! Lol. People say I have a wild and whacked out imagination. Ha ha ha. They obviously haven't met you yet.
Are you allowed to start a sentence with "But"?
The part where it's downloading and he's asking what a sardine is -Hah!- that almost gave me whiplash. It was like watching a disco light, skipping. Really cool.
I thought this was pretty darn awesome.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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UK English, my fav :)
Ok ... Whoa!! Lol. People say I have a wild and whacked out imagination. Ha ha ha. They obviously haven't met you yet.
Are you allowed to start a sentence with "But"?
The part where it's downloading and he's asking what a sardine is -Hah!- that almost gave me whiplash. It was like watching a disco light, skipping. Really cool.
I thought this was pretty darn awesome.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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thanks very much
Comment from Lydia11
what the heck is it? Seeing that this is your first chapter I'm, kinda confused what this person/droid/alien is. Maybe a prologue is in order. Right now my mind is devising a cube type scenario. Sometimes I thought the guy was yelling although it's n italics and only in his head?.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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what the heck is it? Seeing that this is your first chapter I'm, kinda confused what this person/droid/alien is. Maybe a prologue is in order. Right now my mind is devising a cube type scenario. Sometimes I thought the guy was yelling although it's n italics and only in his head?.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Haha, well I didn't expect everyone to get this. Your on the didn't get it list. A list that's growing, I was thinking about a prologue. The yelling remark leaves me baffled, unless you seeing speech marks where there are none.
Thanks all the same.
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Just when he's "yelling" about God and stuff at the end. Alright gotta go make dinner so no time to go back. Cheers!
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Herb,
This is a chilling story to say the least. I found it to be absorbing and compelling. So this man or sardine has his victims thoughts downloaded in his head? I think you wrote this well and I enjoyed reading it and attempting to figure it out. Looking forward to part 2...chey
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hi Herb,
This is a chilling story to say the least. I found it to be absorbing and compelling. So this man or sardine has his victims thoughts downloaded in his head? I think you wrote this well and I enjoyed reading it and attempting to figure it out. Looking forward to part 2...chey
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thanks, for looking, Chey, appreciated.
Comment from cce29
first, awesome photo selection for your writing. There we're a few instances of sentence fragmentation, but I believe they helped the over all 'feel' a reader should get when reading this Part 1 writing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Would love to read part 2, and more if they came. You caught my attention first off, and kept it. A lot of people can not catch my attention so quickly, or keep it strong. I "crave" reading more. I would also like to read some other things your have written.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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first, awesome photo selection for your writing. There we're a few instances of sentence fragmentation, but I believe they helped the over all 'feel' a reader should get when reading this Part 1 writing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Would love to read part 2, and more if they came. You caught my attention first off, and kept it. A lot of people can not catch my attention so quickly, or keep it strong. I "crave" reading more. I would also like to read some other things your have written.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hey, finally a six. Very gratefully received.
Comment from purrfect tale
What a hideous world you have created here. It reminded me of the bleakness in Orwell's, 1984. I have a lot of unneeded hyphens noted, but I'm not sure if that is a regional thing or not. I was a little confused in the plot. If he was locked in his tin box, how did he kill the other people? If they were allowed out during the day, you should have thrown something in about it. I loved the ending, with him having to carry the consciousness of his victims.
Notes:
rehabilitation-unit - no hyphen needed
The old second-termer (the only man I'd ever known that chose another stint on the lines over death.) - this is a sentence fragment. Get rid of the parenthesis and make it "was the only man" and it will be a complete sentence.
(overly ripe twenty-six-year-old) - except for dates, all number under 100 should be written out.
tin-box-retirement-home - no hyphens needed
In this six-by-twelve foot domicile(,)
dull-tin walls - no hyphens
But at twenty one(,)
The light and the speaker the only two pieces of tech in here. - sentence fragment, you don't have a verb
A voice from the speaker. - no verb, I would replace the period with a comma and connect this with the following sentence.
Then (there there) came a swooshing - Oops
But then(,) how did I know
plant-security-units - hyphens not needed
I tried to protest(,)
tin-can-room - no hyphens needed
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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What a hideous world you have created here. It reminded me of the bleakness in Orwell's, 1984. I have a lot of unneeded hyphens noted, but I'm not sure if that is a regional thing or not. I was a little confused in the plot. If he was locked in his tin box, how did he kill the other people? If they were allowed out during the day, you should have thrown something in about it. I loved the ending, with him having to carry the consciousness of his victims.
Notes:
rehabilitation-unit - no hyphen needed
The old second-termer (the only man I'd ever known that chose another stint on the lines over death.) - this is a sentence fragment. Get rid of the parenthesis and make it "was the only man" and it will be a complete sentence.
(overly ripe twenty-six-year-old) - except for dates, all number under 100 should be written out.
tin-box-retirement-home - no hyphens needed
In this six-by-twelve foot domicile(,)
dull-tin walls - no hyphens
But at twenty one(,)
The light and the speaker the only two pieces of tech in here. - sentence fragment, you don't have a verb
A voice from the speaker. - no verb, I would replace the period with a comma and connect this with the following sentence.
Then (there there) came a swooshing - Oops
But then(,) how did I know
plant-security-units - hyphens not needed
I tried to protest(,)
tin-can-room - no hyphens needed
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hey, awesome review. I think I'll be making all those changes. Except the fragments they were deliberate and a tone thing. Your average reader would not stumble, I hope. But I appreciated the mention. Thanks for the bracket comment (parentheses) as you yanks call them. I wasn't sure on the hyphens and the numbers so thanks for clearing that up.
Gratefully, Peter.
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If he was locked in his tin box, how did he kill the other people? If they were allowed out during the day, you should have thrown something in about it.
Regarding the above, My first sentence of the story, 'The automated lock had finally clicked locking me in. Looks like number eleven was going to make it ... lucky 11) I tried to show here that he's normally let out, but not this day. But I think you're right and will make it clearer.
Because its a strange world, one I want to be completely unrecognisable I didn't want any 'tell' at all and left it a little vague on purpose to achieve that. But is that balance, and such a fine line, maybe I can step a little closer to it. Without compromising what I'm trying to achieve. Rant over. :)
Thanks again.
