The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Evidence "A family learns their father is a serial killer
24 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
Sometimes we learn more than we should know, but the fascination and curiosity of the human mind keeps seeking the answer, perhaps hoping to find a loophole in a terrible knowledge or, even better wake up and find everything really was only a nightmare.
Mr. Hurley has provided enough evidence to close both possibilities. Dad really is the Belltown Killer and there is no way to escape the reality.As usual, I have some specific comments.
1. However, having [no] little say in the matter, I had no choice but to accept them. {Doesn't this "no" create a double negative? I think it needs to be deleted.}
2. Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously.{Great line.}
3. Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump in my throat as a painful sadness welled up in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I felt them; I just couldn't find a way to release them.{Great display of inner feelings.}
Great writing. I wish I could just keep giving you your well deserved sixes.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
Sometimes we learn more than we should know, but the fascination and curiosity of the human mind keeps seeking the answer, perhaps hoping to find a loophole in a terrible knowledge or, even better wake up and find everything really was only a nightmare.
Mr. Hurley has provided enough evidence to close both possibilities. Dad really is the Belltown Killer and there is no way to escape the reality.As usual, I have some specific comments.
1. However, having [no] little say in the matter, I had no choice but to accept them. {Doesn't this "no" create a double negative? I think it needs to be deleted.}
2. Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously.{Great line.}
3. Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump in my throat as a painful sadness welled up in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I felt them; I just couldn't find a way to release them.{Great display of inner feelings.}
Great writing. I wish I could just keep giving you your well deserved sixes.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 14-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much for your generous critique and helpful comments. I will go back over this chapter and make the necessary changes you suggest.
Comment from psalmist
I'm so glad you have given the family's attorney such a compassionate personality. I found myself immediately drawn to him as he took control of the situation.
I thought this was a great sentence: Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously. I could easily see the family sitting their, numbly nodding their heads. Well done. Linda
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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I'm so glad you have given the family's attorney such a compassionate personality. I found myself immediately drawn to him as he took control of the situation.
I thought this was a great sentence: Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously. I could easily see the family sitting their, numbly nodding their heads. Well done. Linda
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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I fashioned Mr. Hurley after my Grandmother's second husband. He was a criminal attorney in B.C. in the 40's and 60's. Glad you like him...I do too.
Comment from hyway94
First a question. Didn't you do this story before or one like it? Maybe someone else did one like this. I just don't remember who. The story is just as good as the first time. Good flow no mistakes and it keeps you wanting more. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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First a question. Didn't you do this story before or one like it? Maybe someone else did one like this. I just don't remember who. The story is just as good as the first time. Good flow no mistakes and it keeps you wanting more. Keep it up.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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Yes, I pulled it several months ago to do a rewrite. I have made several major changes that will show up in future chapter. I have made only slight changes in the fist few.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha. You are being very clear and descriptive in this chapter, through the explanation of Mr. Hurley. I can understand Susan and Charlie's reaction. What a shock the revelation is to them!
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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Hi, Sasha. You are being very clear and descriptive in this chapter, through the explanation of Mr. Hurley. I can understand Susan and Charlie's reaction. What a shock the revelation is to them!
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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Yes, the shock is overwhelming. Glad you like this one.
Comment from Alaskastory
'The Evidence Against Dad' is a chapter that begins to prepare the family for conviction. The way the attorney spoke positively about Detective Mac seems like an addition to the original chapter. Showing reactions by Susan, Charlie and James was a good touch too. Well done, Sasha.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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'The Evidence Against Dad' is a chapter that begins to prepare the family for conviction. The way the attorney spoke positively about Detective Mac seems like an addition to the original chapter. Showing reactions by Susan, Charlie and James was a good touch too. Well done, Sasha.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2012
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Thank you. Mac is a good guy and his friendship with James grows as the story progresses. I am pleased you enjoyed this one.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again you did a wonderful job. I like the way you had Mr Hurley address Charlie and James before going into the facts of the case.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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Once again you did a wonderful job. I like the way you had Mr Hurley address Charlie and James before going into the facts of the case.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how much you positive comments mean to me. Haven't heard much from you....how are you doing?
Comment from peggles
I feel so sorry for James and his family
There is so much evidence against their father listening to to it must have been terrible
To have your parent a proven serial killer would be impossible to imagine
This chapter moves quickly
I enjoyed every word
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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I feel so sorry for James and his family
There is so much evidence against their father listening to to it must have been terrible
To have your parent a proven serial killer would be impossible to imagine
This chapter moves quickly
I enjoyed every word
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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Thank you. I am pleased you enjoyed this.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
and listening to Mr. Hurley describe Mac as an honest and honorable man[] felt awkward.
"As I already said, your father has been charged with six murders and the police are investigating his involvement in six more[.] Each victim found[] was
killed in the same manner.
I've always wondered what it would be like to be the family of akiller. I had an idea for a book years ago about being the sister of someone who assassinated the president. It was going to be called, "guilt by Blood."
Good job.
Roberta
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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and listening to Mr. Hurley describe Mac as an honest and honorable man[] felt awkward.
"As I already said, your father has been charged with six murders and the police are investigating his involvement in six more[.] Each victim found[] was
killed in the same manner.
I've always wondered what it would be like to be the family of akiller. I had an idea for a book years ago about being the sister of someone who assassinated the president. It was going to be called, "guilt by Blood."
Good job.
Roberta
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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This one has been mulling around my head for most of my life.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Smurph,
I can't help but feel sorry for James and his family. The evidence against their father is overwhelming and listening to Mr. Hurley must have been too terrible to bear. Who knows what makes serial killer but sadly it happens and some get away with it for a long time. This chapter moves quickly down the page and I enjoyed every word. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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Hi Smurph,
I can't help but feel sorry for James and his family. The evidence against their father is overwhelming and listening to Mr. Hurley must have been too terrible to bear. Who knows what makes serial killer but sadly it happens and some get away with it for a long time. This chapter moves quickly down the page and I enjoyed every word. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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They get away with it for so long because they are the last person anyone would suspect. Glad you continue to enjoy this.
Comment from RebelRose
I like the part where you said Charlie drank his coffee black in a oyal gesture to his dad. That may be an insignificant sentence to some but it struck me as people do indeed do these types of things almost unconsciously in tribute/loyalty to a loved one in times of sorrow. Another great chapter. You make it all seem so realistic.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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I like the part where you said Charlie drank his coffee black in a oyal gesture to his dad. That may be an insignificant sentence to some but it struck me as people do indeed do these types of things almost unconsciously in tribute/loyalty to a loved one in times of sorrow. Another great chapter. You make it all seem so realistic.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much. I want this to be realistic without too much gory detail. I am pleased you continue to like this story.