Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 " Confrontation and Alliance"fantasy adventure
10 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Pretty sneaky how they are getting away. I am definitely routing for the underdogs!!! Hope it works. Sadie got some of what she deserved, but not enough. Good luck to the young vertants. Well written with good descriptions. I don't know how you can be so imaginative!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
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Pretty sneaky how they are getting away. I am definitely routing for the underdogs!!! Hope it works. Sadie got some of what she deserved, but not enough. Good luck to the young vertants. Well written with good descriptions. I don't know how you can be so imaginative!!! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
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Do you want me to go back in and show what happens to Sadie. I was going to save it 'til later and continue with the boys escape and then go back up to the Valley. Thank you so much Debbie for you comment on Sadie and routing for the vertants.
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I would wait-it builds suspense!!!
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That's what I felt. Leave a little for people to wonder about and them be glad when it comes up much later. They won't forget this section. So the flashback will be easy. LOL Thank you for varifying that for me, my friend.:) ellen
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I rewrote my Creativity piece. Would you mind taking a look and see if I made it better or just longer??? Thanks!!! Debbie
Comment from hellion5
Great read. Only found one thing and I'm not even sure about that:
," She chorts in a motherly--chortles?
When, if ever, do we read chapter 16?
Great work--
Sue
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Great read. Only found one thing and I'm not even sure about that:
," She chorts in a motherly--chortles?
When, if ever, do we read chapter 16?
Great work--
Sue
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thank you for reading, Sue. Chapter 16 is included in 17, so there is no need to read it. If you do you'll see the section from chapter 17. Due to a site glitch, 16 was lost for a day, so I went ahead had entered it as chapter 17. Nothing has been deleted/left out. Thank you for asking.
Chorts is fine. I had to give up the word chortle because that is a 'real' word and the Vermel don't make human sounds. Thank you for asking about that. The chort would be glottal clicks, grunts, whistles and snorts used for communication instead of speech. More chapters soon. I'm half way through the 60K word count. Yippee! Thank you again:) barking dog/ellen
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Thanks for clarifying. Not being a fantasy writer I sometimes have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. Well actually, I sometimes have that problem in real life as well, but don't tell my doctor--
Comment from Tina55
What a tense escape! The entertainment level in this one was very high! I can see this playing out on the big screen. Kind of reminds me of The Fifth Element.
Fluk, I'm monster strong! (Great show of the unique language in your story.)
Trell with Lem in hand is the first to...(Suggest: Trell, with Lem in hand, is the first to...)
They are certain tht [that] all is well since they are now assisting a respected leader of the community,
The Vertants' wide-eyes stare down at the floor, watching it move one slow-tedious-step at a time, as tears fall onto its reflective marble. (Great line!)
Nicely done - deep imaginative work - well thought out - you rock!!
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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What a tense escape! The entertainment level in this one was very high! I can see this playing out on the big screen. Kind of reminds me of The Fifth Element.
Fluk, I'm monster strong! (Great show of the unique language in your story.)
Trell with Lem in hand is the first to...(Suggest: Trell, with Lem in hand, is the first to...)
They are certain tht [that] all is well since they are now assisting a respected leader of the community,
The Vertants' wide-eyes stare down at the floor, watching it move one slow-tedious-step at a time, as tears fall onto its reflective marble. (Great line!)
Nicely done - deep imaginative work - well thought out - you rock!!
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Tina. I think, I'm getting the hang of writing. It's getting faster/easier/more automatic. Thank you for the spags. I'm going back to Upper Earth to check in. It's time to lighten up!
Comment from adewpearl
As she bends forward, Trell pitches - add comma
As always, great action verbs like lunge/grab/ripple/spew, that add to the tone and the drama
Vivid descriptive detail of the maimed Sadie
Good, natural-sounding dialogue
I love the clever deception
Excuse me, sir - add comma for direct address
Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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As she bends forward, Trell pitches - add comma
As always, great action verbs like lunge/grab/ripple/spew, that add to the tone and the drama
Vivid descriptive detail of the maimed Sadie
Good, natural-sounding dialogue
I love the clever deception
Excuse me, sir - add comma for direct address
Brooke
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Brooke again for following this. I've been trying to do some line editing to up the descriptive vocabulary and improve mine at the same time. LOL I take it that Larue's help was unexpected. One reader wondered why I had so may characters named. These chapters(15,17) and the ones to follow use them in some way. I am just wondering if when a character shows him/herself again am I assuming too much to think that the reader remembers them. The statue fell on the girl with the tattooed face. The girls were pursuing the lady's man earlier and they were in Trolious' sadistic drama in Chapter 15. Little Lem saw his sister killed and is still watching the guards. Is this all tying together or am I leaving gaps? I don't want to treat the reader like a baby either. It seems to be a fine line that I never realized before. Thank you again, my friend.:) ellen
Comment from strandregs
Great story and great telling.enjoyed reading itand would gladly six it (none in the cupboard).
what imagination - you give fitzgerald tolkin and yhe guy on the big turtle a run for their money.Z.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Great story and great telling.enjoyed reading itand would gladly six it (none in the cupboard).
what imagination - you give fitzgerald tolkin and yhe guy on the big turtle a run for their money.Z.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Z. Now who is the guy on the big turtle? A buddy of yours, I bet? What fantastic words, Z. I shall have a great weekend! I hope you do, too. :) ellen
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well it's been quiet so far.
Pratchet- what a name.Z.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Part of this is what I've just
read in the last posting.... you
obviously didn't delete the earlier one.
some where - somewhere
hundred's of boys = hundreds
band to action."Boys - space after period
"Sadies selling - Sadie's
their faces and breath - breathe
toofie biscuit?? - toffee - or is this deliberate?
Margaret
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Part of this is what I've just
read in the last posting.... you
obviously didn't delete the earlier one.
some where - somewhere
hundred's of boys = hundreds
band to action."Boys - space after period
"Sadies selling - Sadie's
their faces and breath - breathe
toofie biscuit?? - toffee - or is this deliberate?
Margaret
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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There was a snaffo in the system, Maragaret. Sixteen was lost for a while so I posted 17. Fifteen never went to your PM box so you missed a part of it. It was a mess yesterday and the site couldn't fix it. It all started when I put the Evil Jinn on disable. Then Chapter 15 disabled. Sixteen released prematurely and was lost for six hours and then 17 released itself. I was saving it for Sunday. I'm very upset with the site. Thank you for your review and listening to me complain. :) ellen toofie biscuit is deliberate
Comment from Janie King
How long is this book or do you know yet? It's bedtime so I'm going to let you take this from here and I'll say good-night and sweet dreams. God bless.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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How long is this book or do you know yet? It's bedtime so I'm going to let you take this from here and I'll say good-night and sweet dreams. God bless.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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I'm about 2/3 of the way through it. It has to be 60K + words to be a novel. Let me know if you see a Chapter 15 in the next day or so. Good night and God bless. ellen
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When I pull it up it shows me the warning..do I need to open it to know if it is readable? God bless.
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When you see the big sign warning, I'm sure that you don't want to read that, Janie.:) love ellen
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Ellen, Wow, this is quite the story lol ... I study dialog when I review chapters because I would love to write stories but get a little confused when it comes to the male dialog. I love the storyline and flow. think I'll have to go get caught up on this one. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Hi Ellen, Wow, this is quite the story lol ... I study dialog when I review chapters because I would love to write stories but get a little confused when it comes to the male dialog. I love the storyline and flow. think I'll have to go get caught up on this one. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Thank you, deborah. The site didn't send PM's out on chapter 15 which is also posted now. Not by my choice. It was a site screw up that these chapters went out at the same time. Chapter 16 was lost in cyber space and became 17. LOL 15 is adult fantasy and has a warning banner up. The dialogue is better in 15. I worked very hard on it.
Comment from purrfect tale
I'm hoping LaRue is helping and not trying to trick them. But then we already know that Trell escapes. I was so glad to see Sadie get maimed.
Damaged goods do no(t) sell."
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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I'm hoping LaRue is helping and not trying to trick them. But then we already know that Trell escapes. I was so glad to see Sadie get maimed.
Damaged goods do no(t) sell."
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Thank you. PT. Did the previous chapter 15 come though on PM. Madness and Mayhem. The site is releasing my chapters at the first save and has lost Chapter 16 all together. I can't find it.
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No, I don't remember ever getting a PM on 15. If I hadn't seen the banner ad I wouldn't have known it was out. I got 16, which said it had been removed, then 17 came through normally.
Comment from Gungalo
Ahhhh they have a way out. How ingenious of Larue. Now if he can get them far enough away. Oh does he have other plans? Hmmm only time will tell. This one was in my PM box.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Ahhhh they have a way out. How ingenious of Larue. Now if he can get them far enough away. Oh does he have other plans? Hmmm only time will tell. This one was in my PM box.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Thank you, G. I'm not going to disable it but can't pump it up because the site release it without me. I save it and it when directly to release. That has happened three times now. Three chapters. I need to review a few days to be able to have the money to promote. Something is definitely wrong with this site!
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Damn!!