The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Detective MacKinnon"A family learns their father is a serial killer
25 total reviews
Comment from Realist101
Hi Sasha! I'm trying! This is so good. I've missed a lot so will try again to read more. I think your crisp style matches the main character's personality so well. He's a direct, to the point type. One suggestion...I believe the paragraph beginning with "The thought of someone naming ... " seems unnecessary. James is too smart to entertain this thought. I would take that out or rework it Sasha. Let me know if you want me to help? I will try. I'm really enjoying this! xoxo> Susan
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Hi Sasha! I'm trying! This is so good. I've missed a lot so will try again to read more. I think your crisp style matches the main character's personality so well. He's a direct, to the point type. One suggestion...I believe the paragraph beginning with "The thought of someone naming ... " seems unnecessary. James is too smart to entertain this thought. I would take that out or rework it Sasha. Let me know if you want me to help? I will try. I'm really enjoying this! xoxo> Susan
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thanks, I can use all the help I can get. I am so pleased you are enjoying this.
Comment from Alaskastory
'Detective MacKinnon' is a chapter I remember, but find this written even more clearly. I like the way James immediately goes to the police. You introduction of Mac is well done too. Good chapter. Marie
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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'Detective MacKinnon' is a chapter I remember, but find this written even more clearly. I like the way James immediately goes to the police. You introduction of Mac is well done too. Good chapter. Marie
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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The changes in this chapter are primarily what you mentioned. I wanted to polish it and make the characters more believable. I am so pleased you liked this one.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Every time I read this, I think it can't get any better, then you work on it and it getts better and better. You have a super hit on your hands.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Every time I read this, I think it can't get any better, then you work on it and it getts better and better. You have a super hit on your hands.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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I do hope you are right. Yet, I must admit I am tired or rewriting it and swear this is the last time!
Comment from Showboat
OKAY! You're starting from the beginning. I don't think I joined this one until about chapter 6, so this is a much needed refresher.
Great job, Sasha!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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OKAY! You're starting from the beginning. I don't think I joined this one until about chapter 6, so this is a much needed refresher.
Great job, Sasha!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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The major changes do not occur until a bit later, but I reposted the earlier chapter just as you say, a refresher for those unfamiliar or who may have forgotten the story.
Comment from psalmist
You do a great job helping me to empathize with and relate to the main character. When I read books, if I cannot relate to the characters in at least some way, I quickly lose interest. Not so here. I am drawn in and looking forward to the next chapters. Linda
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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You do a great job helping me to empathize with and relate to the main character. When I read books, if I cannot relate to the characters in at least some way, I quickly lose interest. Not so here. I am drawn in and looking forward to the next chapters. Linda
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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James is the son I never had...lol I just love him. I base him on several real people I have known; brilliant, honest, naieve, and gentle.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
I looked[was looking] for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box[ instead of his toolbox].
the contents of one onto the metal workbench[ in the garage]. --- We already know he's in the garage so it isn't necessary to repeat it.
The police formed a special task force[,] but even after five years, the identity of the Belltown Killer remained a mystery.
raised a hand against my mother, sister, brother, or me, he was a closet drunk and his need for total control[] bordered [on] obsession.
me into trouble before[,] and I desperately fought back the urge to express my inappropriate amusement knowing I would look like an idiot.
They both ran out of the room like [a] two rabbits chased by the devil.
Suddenly finding myself in the middle of a case I had only read about in the papers and reported on the news[] was overwhelming.
Detective Mac made it very clear that[,] while they had enough evidence to bring Dad in for questioning,
I drove Detective Mac crazy with so many []calls he stopped answering the phone.
Detective Mac's pager went off[,] and without saying anything, he left the room.
Roberta
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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I looked[was looking] for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box[ instead of his toolbox].
the contents of one onto the metal workbench[ in the garage]. --- We already know he's in the garage so it isn't necessary to repeat it.
The police formed a special task force[,] but even after five years, the identity of the Belltown Killer remained a mystery.
raised a hand against my mother, sister, brother, or me, he was a closet drunk and his need for total control[] bordered [on] obsession.
me into trouble before[,] and I desperately fought back the urge to express my inappropriate amusement knowing I would look like an idiot.
They both ran out of the room like [a] two rabbits chased by the devil.
Suddenly finding myself in the middle of a case I had only read about in the papers and reported on the news[] was overwhelming.
Detective Mac made it very clear that[,] while they had enough evidence to bring Dad in for questioning,
I drove Detective Mac crazy with so many []calls he stopped answering the phone.
Detective Mac's pager went off[,] and without saying anything, he left the room.
Roberta
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. I appreciate it.
Comment from Readywriter52
James is very intelligent. He knows his family won't appreciate that he went to the police and betrayed his father. They will refuse to believe he could do such bad things. It was interesting to read about James's experience with the police.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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James is very intelligent. He knows his family won't appreciate that he went to the police and betrayed his father. They will refuse to believe he could do such bad things. It was interesting to read about James's experience with the police.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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James is a unique kid. He just foreign territory and has a lot to learn, but if anyone can do it, James can.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I'm not going to compare the 2 versions, because I'm enjoying this one very much and it doesn't seem to make any difference that I read it the 1st time. Nevertheless, I think this is very polished, and you should be happy with it. Giddy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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I'm not going to compare the 2 versions, because I'm enjoying this one very much and it doesn't seem to make any difference that I read it the 1st time. Nevertheless, I think this is very polished, and you should be happy with it. Giddy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much. Yes, I do hope it comes across to others that have red the first version as more polished. I wasn't happy the first time around and had to stop and start over again. Your 6 stars tells me I made the right choice.
Comment from Joan E.
I always was impressed by Mac's sensitivity and insights, but must admit I forgot about Detective Acres. I liked your comparison of the interrogation to a "cheap, outdated movie set." Your description of James' emotions is excellent. -Joan
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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I always was impressed by Mac's sensitivity and insights, but must admit I forgot about Detective Acres. I liked your comparison of the interrogation to a "cheap, outdated movie set." Your description of James' emotions is excellent. -Joan
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Poor Acres is always the guy in the background. Hard to measure up to Mac.
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A good foil... -J
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello Val, Man I love the way you set up a scene. It's like your reader is there breathing down your neck to get a better view...so real!
I must of not read this when you first wrote it from the beginning because this is new to me. A fantastic story my friend. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Hello Val, Man I love the way you set up a scene. It's like your reader is there breathing down your neck to get a better view...so real!
I must of not read this when you first wrote it from the beginning because this is new to me. A fantastic story my friend. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the awesome 6 stars. I really appreciate it. Actually it is good that you have not read the previous version...I think this one is much better. I am thrilled you liked it.