Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 " Gima: Mayhem and Madness"fantasy adventure
12 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
comparatively, quite, litter brother, Sade. (quiet?)
Sorry I am so far behind with this. This was an action-packed and surprising chapter. So much death and destruction. All over jealousy and greed-sounds like the real world doesn't it???
Well written and entices the reader to see what happens next!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
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comparatively, quite, litter brother, Sade. (quiet?)
Sorry I am so far behind with this. This was an action-packed and surprising chapter. So much death and destruction. All over jealousy and greed-sounds like the real world doesn't it???
Well written and entices the reader to see what happens next!!! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
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Quite right, it should say quiet. LOL Thank you for all of these reviews, Debbie. Wonder why it sounds familiar? LOL You got that right, too.:) ellen xxx
Comment from strandregs
It's six but I don't have any.Wonderful depiction of mayhem
and the indifferent state of mind that comes with rage and being fed up.z.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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It's six but I don't have any.Wonderful depiction of mayhem
and the indifferent state of mind that comes with rage and being fed up.z.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Thank you, z for plowing thorough another long chapter. I'm so trying to get out of Sadie's:) It nice that you thought it a six and a virtual one is a compliment, too. I've put a warning page on the next chapter and then we're almost out of this place. LOL Thank you again. The weekend's here. Have a great one, Z.:) ellen
Comment from peggles
I have read the other chapters and
I think the detail is still good
Your dialog is so raw one just knows they belong to an under world
The flow is good and the action races along
I liked this chapter it scares me to death
look forward to reading more
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I have read the other chapters and
I think the detail is still good
Your dialog is so raw one just knows they belong to an under world
The flow is good and the action races along
I liked this chapter it scares me to death
look forward to reading more
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thank you, peggles for your review. I'm trying to get out of this place and show more of the Under World. But Sadie won't let go. I think she likes the lime-light. LOL Again, glad to scare you, but you mustn't die ... you have a story to write!
Comment from Lylise
I couldn't give you any higher than 5 stars because it would not let me. I haven't used a 6 star for awhile but maybe I have.
Didn't realize that I missed this chapter.
The reflective rainbows drift between Booths eleven and twelve. I LOVE that sentence.
I was so sad for Lida. And then, of course, the headliner performer took me and mine in a different direction.
I can't begin to tell you what a flawless, well written story this is. You have talent. Shit, you have talent coming out of your ears.
I love this world. I love the characters. And I loved being swept away for 10 minutes tonight.
You are amazing.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I couldn't give you any higher than 5 stars because it would not let me. I haven't used a 6 star for awhile but maybe I have.
Didn't realize that I missed this chapter.
The reflective rainbows drift between Booths eleven and twelve. I LOVE that sentence.
I was so sad for Lida. And then, of course, the headliner performer took me and mine in a different direction.
I can't begin to tell you what a flawless, well written story this is. You have talent. Shit, you have talent coming out of your ears.
I love this world. I love the characters. And I loved being swept away for 10 minutes tonight.
You are amazing.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thank you, lynda, no need to worry. I just posted this chapter, so you didn't miss it.
I'm so glad that you're getting used to the characters. Lida is so submissive to Trolious. It is sad that the Vermel are taught to hate their Vertant children. So far we've been told that it's because they are mutants showing a weakened gene pool. That's what the Vermel have been told is the reason to use and ridicule them. But there is a deeper reason, too. The story hasn't gotten to that yet.
I'm glad you could be 'swept away for ten minutes.' Thank you for this wonderful review and the thought of wanting to give it a six.:)ellen xxx
Comment from livingwords
I like rhe fact that it kept so many of you chapters true to themselves and you storry is sexy and entertaining. Mat a little more humor. Dan :))
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I like rhe fact that it kept so many of you chapters true to themselves and you storry is sexy and entertaining. Mat a little more humor. Dan :))
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Hi, Dan. Thank you for your lovely review. I can't quite tell what you said in your last sentence. 'Mat a little more humor.' If you mean I need more humor. Maybe, they'll laugh when they get out of Sadies. LOL Time for a hell of a bar scene or a celebration. I think. The Vermel are not a funny bunch. But the Vertants are ... when they aren't being tortured. LOL
I thought Mr. Arnst walking like a turtle was a bit funny. :)
Thanks a bunch for the six, too. :)ellen
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Can't one of them be witty, by nature?!!
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The Vermel aren't witty they only know how to enjoy suffering and gore. All their games are based on survival of the fittest. Dog eat dog existance. There are some like Bette who raised her Vertant off-spring who have found a different way and that is why I have introduced new characters. To show the other side of the coin so to speak of this society. We will leave Sadie's. There is an entire society and there are characters developing with humor. Watch Jami and Picar, Mr. Arnst, little Lem. I had a bit of wit with the humans, Asmel and Hunter, and the same sort of bonding can occure with Vertants, canzu and Vermel that sympathize with the Vertant cause(this would be Betta and her friends. I can't introduce too many players until change settings and drive the plot where it has to go by doing so.) I can make the POV point out clumsyness etc like with the Disposal Officers. I'll see if the POV can see anything witty as these creatures melt by the front door. LOL The severed, gray hand waved a middle finger as it flew through the air.(There's a start. LOL)
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The Vermel aren't witty they only know how to enjoy suffering and gore. All their games are based on survival of the fittest. Dog eat dog existance. There are some like Bette who raised her Vertant off-spring who have found a different way and that is why I have introduced new characters. To show the other side of the coin so to speak of this society. We will leave Sadie's. There is an entire society and there are characters developing with humor. Watch Jami and Picar, Mr. Arnst, little Lem. I had a bit of wit with the humans, Asmel and Hunter, and the same sort of bonding can occure with Vertants, canzu and Vermel that sympathize with the Vertant cause(this would be Betta and her friends. I can't introduce too many players until change settings and drive the plot where it has to go by doing so.) I can make the POV point out clumsyness etc like with the Disposal Officers. I'll see if the POV can see anything witty as these creatures melt by the front door. LOL The severed, gray hand waved a middle finger as it flew through the air.(There's a start. LOL)
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I'm seriously going to try to do this for you, Dan. It is needed. You're right. I've waited too long.
Comment from Gungalo
I knew it. I knew there was gonna be trouble in the hall and there sure was! Wonder what is going to happen now. Is he, Trolius gonna calm the heck down?
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I knew it. I knew there was gonna be trouble in the hall and there sure was! Wonder what is going to happen now. Is he, Trolius gonna calm the heck down?
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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He is an older guy:) Can't do this forever, but he is having such fun. He's on automatic and really needs some green elixer but really doesn't get to let off steam very often. LOL This is fifteen years worth. More soon. We have to check on the guys in the booths, too. Thank you for sticking with this. I love your questions, G. They are very helpful. I see what you see.:) BD
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LOL I'm loving it.
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Remember when you asked for a darkside poem? Well, 'Kisla' started all of this. LOL
Comment from Tina55
I'm surprised you can sleep at night with these characters and their seedy motives in your head. :-)
Rife with rage (Excellent, gritty alliteration.)
Lida's instinct to mother, to nurse drew her instantly to the chubby... (Lida's instinct to mother, to nurse[,] instantly drew her...)
I'm sorry, but can you explain why Trolious didn't want his son?
I like how you're changing up your sentence structure. It's add spice!! I see a couple of little things that I find confusing. I may be reading them wrong, but I've added then below anyway, just so that we can think them out. :-)
Trell's mother bowed her head, thus giving him fifteen years of life before he'd be taken, sold for Vermel entertainment and face an inevitable cruel death. (Suggest: Trell's mother bowed her head, thus giving him fifteen years of life before he'd be taken, sold for Vermel entertainment and [left facing] an inevitable cruel death. *All of these things are the consequences of a past decision of Trell's mother...do you see how the change I've made relates to how her choice affects Trell?)
From that point on, every blonde Vertant that she saw, she was certain, for a moment, that it was Trell. (Suggest: From that point on every blonde Vertant that she saw, she was certain, for a moment, [was] Trell. - Reads as From that point on every blonde Vertant that she saw...was Trell. Otherwise, as it stands and after hiding the phrases in between, it reads: From that point on, that it was Trell. )
...fantasying Trell as her lover. (I think it should be fantasizing Trell...)
Yikes, there's some deadly sex for ya!! Geez, do all of these guys have the ability to turn so deadly so fast, or is this just a Trolius thing?
Peering out from behind a shield of protective alum inlaid with a portrait of a dragon raging fire, he waddles, turtle in a foot race, toward the exit. (This is very clever!)
This is horrible! Talk about a massacre...and what about Trell? Is the poor guy still trapped in his cell?
Talk about tense!!
Well done, Ellen!
Tina
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I'm surprised you can sleep at night with these characters and their seedy motives in your head. :-)
Rife with rage (Excellent, gritty alliteration.)
Lida's instinct to mother, to nurse drew her instantly to the chubby... (Lida's instinct to mother, to nurse[,] instantly drew her...)
I'm sorry, but can you explain why Trolious didn't want his son?
I like how you're changing up your sentence structure. It's add spice!! I see a couple of little things that I find confusing. I may be reading them wrong, but I've added then below anyway, just so that we can think them out. :-)
Trell's mother bowed her head, thus giving him fifteen years of life before he'd be taken, sold for Vermel entertainment and face an inevitable cruel death. (Suggest: Trell's mother bowed her head, thus giving him fifteen years of life before he'd be taken, sold for Vermel entertainment and [left facing] an inevitable cruel death. *All of these things are the consequences of a past decision of Trell's mother...do you see how the change I've made relates to how her choice affects Trell?)
From that point on, every blonde Vertant that she saw, she was certain, for a moment, that it was Trell. (Suggest: From that point on every blonde Vertant that she saw, she was certain, for a moment, [was] Trell. - Reads as From that point on every blonde Vertant that she saw...was Trell. Otherwise, as it stands and after hiding the phrases in between, it reads: From that point on, that it was Trell. )
...fantasying Trell as her lover. (I think it should be fantasizing Trell...)
Yikes, there's some deadly sex for ya!! Geez, do all of these guys have the ability to turn so deadly so fast, or is this just a Trolius thing?
Peering out from behind a shield of protective alum inlaid with a portrait of a dragon raging fire, he waddles, turtle in a foot race, toward the exit. (This is very clever!)
This is horrible! Talk about a massacre...and what about Trell? Is the poor guy still trapped in his cell?
Talk about tense!!
Well done, Ellen!
Tina
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much Tina.
Trell is a mutant, a Vertant. Vermel reject them and use them for sport. It's as if we decided to sub-classify a group genetically similar mutation from our gene pool and show dominance over them. A Vertant born to a Prime One is a disgrace, showing a weakened gene pool. Trell is lucky he wasn't killed on the spot. Many are killed at birth and just thrown out for disposal to pick up in the morning.
I do tend to write things backwards and you are seeing the problems that I always face in writing. This went up before I could read it again tomorrow. I can never edit in the same day.
Prime Ones are the worst at being deadly. They have the poison and acid. Others are deadly with teeth and strength. All are violent unless they are drinking green, or medicated.
Remember the acid ... the glass ... ? You asked about Trell.
I think you'll like the next chapter!
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Of course! Why couldn't I process that information last night?
How, exactly, do you write things backwards? This really interests me because I've been stewing with an idea for writing a novel backwards: starting at the end and working my way back to the beginning, which would actually be the end! Just haven't come up with a twisted storyline, yet. OR, maybe Joe is my twisted storyline. I could start the book with what I've written for the shorty story and work my way back....hhmm.
I'm almost afraid to read the next chapter! I'm grasping some courage from the fact that I know Trell lives!! :-)
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I think many are glad this is a flashback, so that Trell lives through this.
If you start with Joe as he is now, but keep her alive until the end of the book. You could fill in the middle with how he progressed to this point. Of course we don't know exactly what 'this point' is until the end and you can always twist it even more ... beyond her in the elevator. She doesn't necessarily die there or maybe anywhere maybe he tortures her until she goes insane and then lets her go on the street to live pushing a cart mumbling something pertenent, a clue to him, but no one listens because she is a loony-tune. Lots of victims lots of tunes.
You have not killed her, only tortured her so far. Maybe he isn't killing them yet. Maybe the next time he will.
I think working your way back or forward or sideways is a great idea, Tina!
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Cool ideas!
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I so want to start another story. Guess, I'll have to peddle faster to 60K+ words.
You're ideas are better! You came up with JOE and Tavish.
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Not better...just different!!
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OK. I'll enjoy the cudos. :)BD
Comment from purrfect tale
Finally, Sadie decides the doors should be unlocked. It's very interesting that Sadie and Trell are related. I loved all the chaos and panic, you did a great job creating that in the reader's mind.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Finally, Sadie decides the doors should be unlocked. It's very interesting that Sadie and Trell are related. I loved all the chaos and panic, you did a great job creating that in the reader's mind.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Yeah, I guess she didn't really think things would go this far. LOL Thank you for the interest in the family linage. But she never new about Trell because he was hidden from the family. Not that it would have made a lot of difference when Trell turned fifteen. Lots of cousins going on here. LOL Sounding a little like 'Deliverance' folk.( play the banjos)
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hi bd, So how is this little series coming for you? It seems to be coming with little or no effort at all. Lucky you! I hope things are going well for you, my good friend. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Hi bd, So how is this little series coming for you? It seems to be coming with little or no effort at all. Lucky you! I hope things are going well for you, my good friend. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Thank you for checking in for a review, Chirsfiore. I always appreciate your point of view. It seems to be going pretty well. And you?:)BD
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I think I am pretty much done with FS. My membership renews in February and I'm thinking about aborting the mission. Haven't completely decided yet but it has crossed my mind. :p
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There are other sites that don't go by ratings. Its all recripocal reviews. Try one of them.
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I'd like you to stay, but many good writers are tired of the rating sytem and the expense. I don't ever pay real cash.I just review for site dollars. Tell me in PM what's bugging you about FS. I may have some suggestions.
Comment from Janie King
I'm sure this has been an interesting experience to write this kind of book...I'm glad you don;t have a problem with nightmares. God bless.
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reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I'm sure this has been an interesting experience to write this kind of book...I'm glad you don;t have a problem with nightmares. God bless.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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No, no nightmares. Reality is bad enough. LOL I hope you are doing well. Thank you, Janie.:) ellen