Life Passes By
a contest entry33 total reviews
Comment from Stacia Ann
Horrific on a number of levels, Al. I've always thought that an interesting dynamic, the brothers who are priests and cops, respectively--I know this does happen in a number of ethnic Catholic families--a strange mixture of of secular and sacred.
You would know more about this than I, but it seems to me that the priest would be called "Father Timothy" not "Father Flannigan"? Don't most priests and nuns in religious settings go by a Catholic name they've taken, or simply their first name with a title, and reserve using their full legal names perhaps for legal purposes, like writing checks? I think if the protagonist were known as "Father Jonathan" or whatever while in the flashbacks he's little Timmy Flannigan, this would emphasize that divide between sacred/profane. Just a thought.
I like the "creeping" horror of this--it starts off a little bad, the priest thinking he's going to have to hear this kid confess to getting his girlfriend pregnant, and then just gets weirder and weirder. Some might question, I'd imagine, about whether this is truly horror, because it doesn't have an element of the supernatural, but the stuff about the murderer having "eaten his twin" I think especially puts it firmly in the horror category.
Thanks for sharing!
Stacia
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
  |
Horrific on a number of levels, Al. I've always thought that an interesting dynamic, the brothers who are priests and cops, respectively--I know this does happen in a number of ethnic Catholic families--a strange mixture of of secular and sacred.
You would know more about this than I, but it seems to me that the priest would be called "Father Timothy" not "Father Flannigan"? Don't most priests and nuns in religious settings go by a Catholic name they've taken, or simply their first name with a title, and reserve using their full legal names perhaps for legal purposes, like writing checks? I think if the protagonist were known as "Father Jonathan" or whatever while in the flashbacks he's little Timmy Flannigan, this would emphasize that divide between sacred/profane. Just a thought.
I like the "creeping" horror of this--it starts off a little bad, the priest thinking he's going to have to hear this kid confess to getting his girlfriend pregnant, and then just gets weirder and weirder. Some might question, I'd imagine, about whether this is truly horror, because it doesn't have an element of the supernatural, but the stuff about the murderer having "eaten his twin" I think especially puts it firmly in the horror category.
Thanks for sharing!
Stacia
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
-
Hi, Stacia! I am about off to review your horror syllabus--I have been out of state. The story devlops from how Tim thinks the world see him to how he see himself (at least I hope so.) So hence the move from the last name to the first. The problem with other stories that are gory horror, at least to me, is that they don't create empathy with a charcater. They're gory for the sake of gore. Thanks for an excellent review. (My story Childhood Rape may be more to your liking--it's in my portfolio.)
Comment from victortouche
I haven't read you in some time Mr. Ethington, perhaps that has been a mistake. I fell easily into the muck dripping bible noir. Almost panting myself. You tell a story well, gripping even, an over-used word, I'll grant you. But this was simply very well done. Congrats. I would like to offer one point only I noticed. This is more discussion, I guess, than anything super critical, but I subconcsiously followed the descriptions of the confessors voice. I wasn't aware I was doing this until I came to "his voice was escalating." And wham, I stopped. Involuntarily. Then a thought came to me, "What do you mean his voice is escalating?" It was already at "enraged." How far can one escalate from enraged? I know, a minor point. But it came unbidden. I checked and first description was "strangely confident." The second was "rose angrily." Ok. Third was "enraged." And fourth was "escalating." Now I suppose argument can be made for the boy quieting down a bit and then escalate again, but that was not alluded to and must be inferred. I have stated my case, and it is a minor one. Wonderful story.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
 |
I haven't read you in some time Mr. Ethington, perhaps that has been a mistake. I fell easily into the muck dripping bible noir. Almost panting myself. You tell a story well, gripping even, an over-used word, I'll grant you. But this was simply very well done. Congrats. I would like to offer one point only I noticed. This is more discussion, I guess, than anything super critical, but I subconcsiously followed the descriptions of the confessors voice. I wasn't aware I was doing this until I came to "his voice was escalating." And wham, I stopped. Involuntarily. Then a thought came to me, "What do you mean his voice is escalating?" It was already at "enraged." How far can one escalate from enraged? I know, a minor point. But it came unbidden. I checked and first description was "strangely confident." The second was "rose angrily." Ok. Third was "enraged." And fourth was "escalating." Now I suppose argument can be made for the boy quieting down a bit and then escalate again, but that was not alluded to and must be inferred. I have stated my case, and it is a minor one. Wonderful story.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. As you know, I have revised the poem because of this review. I am quite grateful.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Alvin,
as I read the story I got the feeling it was a good example about the horrible tragedy of Cain allowed his jealousy to turn to anger, and then his anger to hate.
Instead of bringing himself up by doing better next time (as God plainly explained to him in Genesis 4:7), he chose to take Abel down - he committed the premeditated murder of his own righteous brother.
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
|
Hello Alvin,
as I read the story I got the feeling it was a good example about the horrible tragedy of Cain allowed his jealousy to turn to anger, and then his anger to hate.
Instead of bringing himself up by doing better next time (as God plainly explained to him in Genesis 4:7), he chose to take Abel down - he committed the premeditated murder of his own righteous brother.
Gert
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
-
Exactly. You are the first person to catch that. Thank you so much for this and for the six star review.
Comment from bookishfabler
Congratulations on Your win. this was very interesting story, though I was a bit confused with the back and forth with the brother and the cofession scenes. Great job though I there were any nits hey were Already. Corrected.
Hugs
Heidi
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
|
Congratulations on Your win. this was very interesting story, though I was a bit confused with the back and forth with the brother and the cofession scenes. Great job though I there were any nits hey were Already. Corrected.
Hugs
Heidi
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. The connection bewteen the flashbacks and the setting is very subtle. It may not be apparent on the first read.
Comment from sibhus
Congrats Al, great story that is a well desrved win. Really interesting how you have wrapped some of the toughest issues of the church into this short piece. Great read and again congrats on your win.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
|
Congrats Al, great story that is a well desrved win. Really interesting how you have wrapped some of the toughest issues of the church into this short piece. Great read and again congrats on your win.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. I am quite grateful.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A good story and I liked the trips back into the past to set up the family history.The anger of the young man at the world and the priest really comes through with your writing. I enjoyed the read and congrats on the contest win.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
|
A good story and I liked the trips back into the past to set up the family history.The anger of the young man at the world and the priest really comes through with your writing. I enjoyed the read and congrats on the contest win.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. I am quite grateful.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Alvin,
A tightly written story that builds tension nicely. Good mix of realistic dialouge, memories, and descriptions.
Congratulations on winning the Horror contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
|
Dear Alvin,
A tightly written story that builds tension nicely. Good mix of realistic dialouge, memories, and descriptions.
Congratulations on winning the Horror contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 07-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for a great review. I am quite grateful.
Comment from trinalynnes
I was all set to dislike this but I couldn't. It was intense, flowed easily back and forth between present and flashbacks and had so many twists that it kept the reader engaged from the beginning to the end. As I read it, I went through a whole gamut of emotions. No glaring mistakes. Dialogue was nicely written. All in all, a very intriguing piece.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
|
I was all set to dislike this but I couldn't. It was intense, flowed easily back and forth between present and flashbacks and had so many twists that it kept the reader engaged from the beginning to the end. As I read it, I went through a whole gamut of emotions. No glaring mistakes. Dialogue was nicely written. All in all, a very intriguing piece.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for your kind review. I am curious; why were you set to dislike this?
-
Just from the little notes about explicit language, feelings about Catholocism (I'm not Catholic) and the fact that it was a horror story. I guess I expected the overdone, overexaggerated zombie.
-
No, I find that kind of story immature. Thanks for liking my story.
Comment from MissChristine
The writing is plain, has no emotion, and doesn't allow for the reader to have any connection to any of the characters. The characters themselves are vastly undeveloped, lifeless, almost cliche representations of their profession. There was nothing frightening, scary, or remotely 'horror' about this piece. I wouldn't even call it a piece. This honestly seems like a rough draft. Every line is simply dialogue, without building on action. It reads like a script or a badly planned play. And a couple of curse words does not merit 'the highest level' of language. I would suggest actually reading a horror novel of any kind to gain a value of what real terror is. Beyond that, however, it is a poor excuse for a story. It lacks definition, character development, and even the most basic constructs of a story. It's difficult to tell that Jack is related to Tim in the beginning and the plot twist is as plain as day. The purpose of the flashbacks is weakly shown and seem ill placed throughout the piece. And honestly, it's absolutely unheard of for some kid to recognize the voice of a priest who spoke to his mother before he was even born. This story seems like it has good bones, but you left it as simply that. I hate to be so cold and harsh, but this story just doesn't live up a standard of 'recognized'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
 |
The writing is plain, has no emotion, and doesn't allow for the reader to have any connection to any of the characters. The characters themselves are vastly undeveloped, lifeless, almost cliche representations of their profession. There was nothing frightening, scary, or remotely 'horror' about this piece. I wouldn't even call it a piece. This honestly seems like a rough draft. Every line is simply dialogue, without building on action. It reads like a script or a badly planned play. And a couple of curse words does not merit 'the highest level' of language. I would suggest actually reading a horror novel of any kind to gain a value of what real terror is. Beyond that, however, it is a poor excuse for a story. It lacks definition, character development, and even the most basic constructs of a story. It's difficult to tell that Jack is related to Tim in the beginning and the plot twist is as plain as day. The purpose of the flashbacks is weakly shown and seem ill placed throughout the piece. And honestly, it's absolutely unheard of for some kid to recognize the voice of a priest who spoke to his mother before he was even born. This story seems like it has good bones, but you left it as simply that. I hate to be so cold and harsh, but this story just doesn't live up a standard of 'recognized'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2012
-
Thank you for your review. For clarification, I don't know what was in the story to make you assume that the kid's view of reality (that the main character was his mother's confessor) is correct.
Comment from Halfree
Like the way the story is put together, the intermingling of flashbacks. Hard to do but done well here.Thought the last, closing sentence somewhat awkward,"Nausea encapsulated..." Anyway enough material here for a book; nice read.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
|
Like the way the story is put together, the intermingling of flashbacks. Hard to do but done well here.Thought the last, closing sentence somewhat awkward,"Nausea encapsulated..." Anyway enough material here for a book; nice read.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
-
Thank you for the review. What did you find awkward about the last sentence?
-
the use of encapsulated, struck a wrong note with me. Minor point.