Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Gima: Trolious"fantasy adventure
18 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ellen. This is an excellent chapter. It really crystallizes your characters and transports the readers beautifully into your fantasy world. I can see why it is among the nominees for Book of the Month. Congratulations for this well-deserved nomination and Good Luck! Bev
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hi, Ellen. This is an excellent chapter. It really crystallizes your characters and transports the readers beautifully into your fantasy world. I can see why it is among the nominees for Book of the Month. Congratulations for this well-deserved nomination and Good Luck! Bev
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Bev for this review. I don't know how many readers will get past the rape of the dying Dyrel to read the better part with Trolious and his followers. This was a pretty gritty chapter. I was surprised to see it as an entry. Thank you for staying with it long enough to be 'transported' to this Sadie's. There are so many good entries, very diverse. Spiritual, Horror, Fantasy, Satire, Detective, etc. I do appreciate your review and good luck wishes, Bev. :) ellen
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I've read worse on the site, Ellen. Some of the horror pieces get pretty detailed. Now, I'm going to call you on the 'surprised' part. If you felt it was good enough to post, then you must feel it's good enough to win. It's certainly a validation I've yet to experience. Take care, Bev
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Posting a chapter and thinking it is a contest entry is different to me. I worked so much harder on the 'Leslie T. Banks' piece because it was for a contest. I see things in the 'Trolious' chapter that I know need tweaking. I don't see that in the short story entry. That's all I meant. I wasn't in anyway trying to sound snobby or anything. I'm a bit of a looser type all my life, so for me to be picked for anything is a 'surprise.' Yes, it is nice to be recognized. I'm just not used to it and don't know how to act. Awkward, backward, me.
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Ah, jeez, Ellen I was having a bit of fun with you. I'm sorry if that came off as crass. I know what you mean about struggling with low self-esteem. BOY do I ever LOL! Do you think there's a message from the universe in this situation between the two efforts? I often feel that I get subtle nudges to move in a certain direction from the signs around me. You are hardly a snob, my friend. With the quality of your writing and your powers of imagination might be a chance for you to face your demons here and now, 'cause fame's gonna be knockin' at your door. Hugs, Bev
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I didn't think you were being crass. My son says that I take things the wrong way all the time. I hate being backward in reading what people mean. All's fine from my end. I don't even want to make an attempt at reading nudges from the universe. Damn. LOL
It would be great to be 'discovered.' One reviewer said what I wrote reminded him of someone called Lovecraft who was only famous after all of his writing were discovered after he died. I asked, "Gee, you mean, if I die, I'll be famous?" He replied, "Yes, by your kids get all of the money." True FS tidbit. LOL
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Did you happen to read NK Wagner's piece on marketing over the internet. It was just out a week or so ago. Everything I read says that even well-established writers are using facebook, twitter, etc. to gain new fans and interest. It's the future for all writers, I think, whether we like it or not. BTW, I just read an example of that comma question in a book I was reading during lunch. I'll PM you and, when you have some time, maybe you can tell me what you think. Ciao, Ellen! Xxx
Comment from Spitfire
Ellen, I can see this is well-written, but it's not my cup of tea. Never cared for fantasy novels except Alice in Wonderland, ha,ha. I never even like fairy tale. Too far out. Your descriptions are quite gory. This could make a good movie. Suggest when you're finished, you get Ron to write is a screenplay(L0L or not.) Again, excellent writing, just not my genre.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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Ellen, I can see this is well-written, but it's not my cup of tea. Never cared for fantasy novels except Alice in Wonderland, ha,ha. I never even like fairy tale. Too far out. Your descriptions are quite gory. This could make a good movie. Suggest when you're finished, you get Ron to write is a screenplay(L0L or not.) Again, excellent writing, just not my genre.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
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Why did you go back and read an old chapter? The new ones are so much better. Chapter 15 and 17 were the ones I suggested. Oh, well. Thank you for the review and NO Ron won't be writing a screenplay. LOL I think he is having an interesting stay with his current novel/screenplay Joanne(sp?). He almost went home, immediately, but then stayed. Drama, Drama, Drama. Don't you just love it. LOL I gave up meeting him. I thought it would be a friendly thing to do, but I think some claws came out and my son reminded me of how far a drive it is and that I really can't do it.(I exhaust physically very easily.) So my curiosity is left to wonder ... what is so interesting about Ron? LOL I was reviewing him out of courtesty but he hasn't reviewed my posts since he went to Jupiter, FL. I'm sorry that you don't like my book enough to review it anymore even for the writing. Damn, I never do fit in to the real world. Is it the violence, sex what? That you don't like? It would be helpful to know why you don't like fantasy ... even fairy tales. You're not the only one and no one will tell me what the difference is in relating to fiction murders, rapes, love stories and fantasty. How is it different just because the characters aren't people. Is the reason you could get into Alice because she was a person? Then Peter Pan should work for you as well. No? Better question. What does appeal to you? Fiction mystery,crime, etc. Non-fiction essays, philosophy, etc.
Comment from Lylise
This was riviting. You write beautifully. I never took my eyes off the screeen until I was done readiing. You must have lived in this world a long time. Unbelievable writing!
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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This was riviting. You write beautifully. I never took my eyes off the screeen until I was done readiing. You must have lived in this world a long time. Unbelievable writing!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Lived in the world a long time. LOL Thank you for reviewing this and giving it six stars. I've lose my umph and feel like a lump. A lumpy umphless creature -- me. I want to get another chapter up but my brain is all mush. A mush-brained, lumpy, umphless creature stares. LOL Thank you again, lynda.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
You have done so well at 'creating' this world with the different species and vocabulary. It must take great thought and creativity. This is a sad story of creatures controlling and abusing each other to meet there needs and desires. Great writing.
My book finally came-I haven't looked at it yet but am looking forward to doing so today!!! Take care. Hugs, Debbie
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
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You have done so well at 'creating' this world with the different species and vocabulary. It must take great thought and creativity. This is a sad story of creatures controlling and abusing each other to meet there needs and desires. Great writing.
My book finally came-I haven't looked at it yet but am looking forward to doing so today!!! Take care. Hugs, Debbie
Comment Written 25-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
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Thank you, debbie for your lovely review. It's getting harder to keep going with out getting trite. I have to think about who they are not beyond their depravity. What made their world this way, etc. So, I'll visit Upper Earth a bit just to check up on Gima, Trell and the boys, and Hunter and Asmel. Reviews were getting slim and this six with your words of thinking it is going well boosted my day. I haven't felt much like writing recently.
I hope you like the screenwriting book.:) Smiles:) ellen xxx
Comment from peggles
I do not have the skill to comment on style and any puncatuation mistakes in your story it look fine to me
even many chapters behind I soon got the hang of it
This is exciting and imaginative
extremely well written
I liked it very much.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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I do not have the skill to comment on style and any puncatuation mistakes in your story it look fine to me
even many chapters behind I soon got the hang of it
This is exciting and imaginative
extremely well written
I liked it very much.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Thank you for your review, peggles. The book is at a high peak in this strange Vermel world. Soon we will be above ground again on Upper Earth.
Comment from Tina55
Love that opening line, Ellen. It's packed with atmosphere and attitude.
Your descriptions are fantastic, very authentic in setting up this other world.
I never doubt my whereabouts when I'm reading this story.
:-)
I don't know where you get your inspration, Ellen, but, this is amazing: One of Larue's particulate collectors gently tickles, tastes and pets, attempting to communicate. The Vertant youth's gray-blue, liquid eyes look into the Vermel's single orb. Its dark-oily warmth takes him to another place, a haven, a harbor.
Brackus takes his position beside this one; the one who will take him from this place tonight. He lowers his head to hide a whisper of a smile as Larue's new persona, Lars, snores with a similar whisper that drools dreams of never again needing to return to Sadie's. (This is high-impact, but presented so subtly. I almost feel like I'm eavesdropping here.)
The dialogue is so diverse. You change up the mood, taking me from sexually charged one minute, to something that smacks more of a down-home back country casualness the next. Bravo!
They flush out a hiding, twelve-year-old, Vertant weakling who scurries to a near-by corner. (In Canada we spell it nearby, no hyphen. I looked it up to be sure, and I believe the correct American spelling is also nearby. Near-by with the hyphen was not listed in my dictionary. Just an editing note :-))
Ewww...the guards have sex with the near-dead female? You are brave! You know what, I'm so submerged in the story, that the event occurs naturally and I'm not at all surprised that these two guards would do this. That's good character development on your part, Ellen. Especially in the short face time they've had.
:-)
Lem, the small Vertant, huddles - a tight ball of flesh in the darkness. His silent tears are unstoppable, as he hears his older, once dominate, sister die.
(Okay, that's heart breaking.)
I think clue-less should be clueless ~ but if you are going for artistic license, leave it.
Back in the column area, a clue-less, foul-breathed, wart-lidded patron waddles up and audaciously reaches down to pinch Sadie's gorgeous triple-ripple derriere which is in perfect symmetry with her Prime One, female-double hump.
(Okay, that's just priceless! Talk about descriptive and jazzy! Well done.)
With an air of elegant pride, she flourishes a wave of her hand and announces,(Great descriptive piece, setting up the dialogue that follows beautifully!)
With his usual, wide arm motion, the crowd shuffles closer and tightens into a single entity, interlocking particulate collectors.(This is great! Very visual - it drops in right in the middle of the crowd.)
... for blessing us with our entombment here in the greater Under Earth. Praise the gods of our forefathers. And-end." (Should this have an opening set of quotation marks?)
Wow, Ellen. What a wicked imagination!!
Bravo!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Love that opening line, Ellen. It's packed with atmosphere and attitude.
Your descriptions are fantastic, very authentic in setting up this other world.
I never doubt my whereabouts when I'm reading this story.
:-)
I don't know where you get your inspration, Ellen, but, this is amazing: One of Larue's particulate collectors gently tickles, tastes and pets, attempting to communicate. The Vertant youth's gray-blue, liquid eyes look into the Vermel's single orb. Its dark-oily warmth takes him to another place, a haven, a harbor.
Brackus takes his position beside this one; the one who will take him from this place tonight. He lowers his head to hide a whisper of a smile as Larue's new persona, Lars, snores with a similar whisper that drools dreams of never again needing to return to Sadie's. (This is high-impact, but presented so subtly. I almost feel like I'm eavesdropping here.)
The dialogue is so diverse. You change up the mood, taking me from sexually charged one minute, to something that smacks more of a down-home back country casualness the next. Bravo!
They flush out a hiding, twelve-year-old, Vertant weakling who scurries to a near-by corner. (In Canada we spell it nearby, no hyphen. I looked it up to be sure, and I believe the correct American spelling is also nearby. Near-by with the hyphen was not listed in my dictionary. Just an editing note :-))
Ewww...the guards have sex with the near-dead female? You are brave! You know what, I'm so submerged in the story, that the event occurs naturally and I'm not at all surprised that these two guards would do this. That's good character development on your part, Ellen. Especially in the short face time they've had.
:-)
Lem, the small Vertant, huddles - a tight ball of flesh in the darkness. His silent tears are unstoppable, as he hears his older, once dominate, sister die.
(Okay, that's heart breaking.)
I think clue-less should be clueless ~ but if you are going for artistic license, leave it.
Back in the column area, a clue-less, foul-breathed, wart-lidded patron waddles up and audaciously reaches down to pinch Sadie's gorgeous triple-ripple derriere which is in perfect symmetry with her Prime One, female-double hump.
(Okay, that's just priceless! Talk about descriptive and jazzy! Well done.)
With an air of elegant pride, she flourishes a wave of her hand and announces,(Great descriptive piece, setting up the dialogue that follows beautifully!)
With his usual, wide arm motion, the crowd shuffles closer and tightens into a single entity, interlocking particulate collectors.(This is great! Very visual - it drops in right in the middle of the crowd.)
... for blessing us with our entombment here in the greater Under Earth. Praise the gods of our forefathers. And-end." (Should this have an opening set of quotation marks?)
Wow, Ellen. What a wicked imagination!!
Bravo!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Tina for your astonishing review. On behalf of the entire cast, I thank you for our six. They are all fighting over who gets to chew on it next. I told them it's 'a treat' to get one and they took me literally. Vermel! :)
I know you're right about the use of the dash. I guess, I was just in my 'dash' phase, having exited my 'comma and ellipsis' ones. LOL I see Sadie as rather jazzy with a deadly razz-a-ma-tazz. She's really very sexy by Vermel standards.:)
I'm glad that you liked the touching bond between Lem and Lars(Larue).
All of these characters will continue as the story intertwines outside of Sadies and into Upper Earth. It is a real tangel to get through. I'm up to 30,000 words and have 30K+ to go to hit the novel level. How many words are you up to now?
Are you wondering, yet, what is happening topside with Hunter and Asmel, and Gima and Trell? I think I need to go up and check on them soon, so as not to get lost in Bellow City forever. I can go back when Gima wonders about her sister, and for the Warrior Games and the Underground Rebel Army and etc.
Little Blathen has things to do and so does Zee. Oh, my they want out of my head. I have to go and let them out. :) love ya, ellen. Oh,I'm reading Mo's 'Birdman'!
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ellen :)
I have to give you credit for forging ahead with the book. The problems of narrative and dialogue tense is still there. They're both in the present tense.
You're continuing with the third person unlimited POV which tends to muddle some of your scenes. The only way you can get away from that is to change your narrative tense to past and drop the "God" POV.
Ted
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Hi Ellen :)
I have to give you credit for forging ahead with the book. The problems of narrative and dialogue tense is still there. They're both in the present tense.
You're continuing with the third person unlimited POV which tends to muddle some of your scenes. The only way you can get away from that is to change your narrative tense to past and drop the "God" POV.
Ted
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Ted for your review. It's too late to change my POV. I shall forge ahead since no one else seems to mind it as it is. I have even PM'd the published ones who are reviewing this and they see no problem. I'm no longer worried about what you seem to find as a problem. It doesn't seem 'muddled' to many. If others were having a problem, I'd probably change it, but third person unlimited omniscient POV present tense seems to be communicating the story. The narrator is there in the present with the story as it is currently happening. Thus all is persent. I don't need past tense unless I need to refer to something like so-and-so died thus such-and-such is occuring now. I did ask five others about exactly what you said. Three on FS and two off site who I would not normally bother(one a movie producer whose had two shorts on IFC which I helped write ; and the other a writer who is has a publisher and is on her third book.) They said it was fine. I go on. Only 30,000 more words to go. LOL I know you mean well. I guess this will have to be the way it is. I will try you approach on a short story first and see how it feels. I do need to learn many approaches. Thank you for this guidance. It is stored and will be put to future use. :) ellen
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Hi :)
With all those important contacts you should have no trouble getting published. Hey, don't let me upset the cart, keep on doing what you are. Let me know when you get an agent and a book deal.
Ted
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I have a long way to go, Ted. I only have about 30K words and there is a ton of re-writing to do. My stamina is low right now. The trial for Amanda's murder is in April. I'm sure that will turn my brain to jello. Contacts are all well and good but not if I have nothing to give them. We'll see if I last. I remember what you said about age and fortitude to follow through. I fear that will be the wrench in the works.
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Hi :)
I understand. We all have demons to deal with. Just keep on keeping on.
I just signed up on an other writing site for serious writers:
www.scribophile.com -- it works something like FS and pays real dollars for site created contests. There are no member-created contests and no prompts, just good no-fluff critiques. I'm getting started and need to get up to speed.
Ted
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I think that there are a lot of top writers leaving because of the quality of reviewers and writers here. It seems that it is being over run by poor quality( probably like me)writers who just want to be popular, write for family and friends, more to share than improve. I hope you are able to meet people of your caliber on the new site. Are you entering the contests? Will you still be here?
Comment from strandregs
I read it without a hitch, follows nicely from the last chapter.The characters are live and real and I want to read the next chapter.Z.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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I read it without a hitch, follows nicely from the last chapter.The characters are live and real and I want to read the next chapter.Z.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Z for your review. Do you think that I need to come back and check on Gima/Trell and Hunter/Asmel? Or are you fine with staying down in Bellow City for a while longer? I'm beginning to wonder what they are doing in Upper Earth, myself.
I'm glad that this chapter went without a hitch. It was the rest of the previous chapter. The next post is still a continuation. LOL I was very long winded that day. LOL Thank you again, Z. :) BD
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definitley some fresh air even if for a brief peek.Z.
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I think a peek would be nice. Poor humans are wandering in the woods forever!
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right on!
Comment from adewpearl
Vivid, graphic, mood-creating descriptive detail and strong verbs add lots of power to this chapter
You? Yea, right! - I think you mean Yeah
This really is emotionally-charged and gruesome stuff
May the Gods of our fathers protect - gods
Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Vivid, graphic, mood-creating descriptive detail and strong verbs add lots of power to this chapter
You? Yea, right! - I think you mean Yeah
This really is emotionally-charged and gruesome stuff
May the Gods of our fathers protect - gods
Brooke
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Brooke. I never know when to capialize gods/Gods. If their are many major gods why wouldn't that be Gods? Can you tell me the rule. I'm not refering to God as in Christianity. I think I know how to do that. But if Vermel know nothing about the Christian God, I am stumped. Thank you again and I did mean Yeah! LOL
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The rule is that in monotheistic religions where the one and only deity is called God as his proper name, then you capitalize it. In relgions with multiple gods, each one has its own individual proper name, like Zeus or Venus. In those religions gods means deities and not a proper name.
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Ah, that all makes sense now. Thank you, very, very much. I love reviews!
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I'm glad it makes sense :-)
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((O)) (Warm hug)
Comment from Janie King
I'll just rate this as I know it's at least a five.I've already had a stressful enough week. Somebody I knew vaguely (had seen them at church) decided to get even at his girlfriend, her friend come up missing and left her two children for several days. He called Bro. Ron yesterday and asked him to take him to the bus station, which he agreed to do. But by the time he got there there were cop cars everywhere..he had decided to destroy everything in the house...and took the little girls chiwawa but it in the washer, turned on the water and the machine and killed the puppy..It upset me so bad I can hardly stand it..needless to say the demon possessed individual is in jail. People are crazy..that puppy had never done anything to hurt him and kill it in that manner. God bless.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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I'll just rate this as I know it's at least a five.I've already had a stressful enough week. Somebody I knew vaguely (had seen them at church) decided to get even at his girlfriend, her friend come up missing and left her two children for several days. He called Bro. Ron yesterday and asked him to take him to the bus station, which he agreed to do. But by the time he got there there were cop cars everywhere..he had decided to destroy everything in the house...and took the little girls chiwawa but it in the washer, turned on the water and the machine and killed the puppy..It upset me so bad I can hardly stand it..needless to say the demon possessed individual is in jail. People are crazy..that puppy had never done anything to hurt him and kill it in that manner. God bless.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Janie for your review. I continued this response in a PM.