Comment from Penny 4 your thought

Excellent

This poem is very well written 5/7/5/ senryu. The syllable count is correct. Although the right piece of art might help promote this work. All in all a job well done. In my book a solid five.
Penny 4 your thought

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012

Thank you very much! I will definitely try to get some art up with the piece!

Comment from DrJim

Good

Good description of final moments. The first line, however, needs one more syllable, I think. It still, however, causes superb emotions while reflecting on the end of life.

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 Comment Written 16-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012

Thank you! I counted 5, but I could be off. Hope not! LOL

reply by DrJim on 16-Jan-2012

yor're right. can't count all of a sudden!!

Comment from Derek Monaghan

Excellent

A very interesting and thought-provoking piece. Effective consonance. The imagery is stark, poignant and highly evocative. I particularly like "I am done." - very intense. A great read! Derek

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 Comment Written 16-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!