Death's Sleep
What happens after the final breath13 total reviews
Comment from donette1914
this was very good on death and how all thoughts do leave us and how cold we become. scary thought it was a pleasure to read your work you are very talented
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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this was very good on death and how all thoughts do leave us and how cold we become. scary thought it was a pleasure to read your work you are very talented
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind words!
Hugs :D
Comment from rightforyou
Great job on this poem.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing his poem as I would also recommend this for others to read and review...Ron
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Great job on this poem.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing his poem as I would also recommend this for others to read and review...Ron
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Thank you! So glad you enjoyed this piece :)
Hug,
Jess
Comment from rtoddwatts22
A remarkable 5-7-5 offering. Your syllable count and structure
are in perfect form for the contest. I love how you sum up
that fateful moment we all will face in the restrictive
confines of the 5-7-5. Excellent Work! Best Wishes, Todd
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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A remarkable 5-7-5 offering. Your syllable count and structure
are in perfect form for the contest. I love how you sum up
that fateful moment we all will face in the restrictive
confines of the 5-7-5. Excellent Work! Best Wishes, Todd
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thank you Todd! It was a really fun challenge and I'm really happy with this piece as Haiku is not usually my preferred style. Thanks for the kind words :)
Comment from adewpearl
Your poem is in excellent 5/7/5 form
good alliterative pairing of fixate and fast
A most compelling depiction of the final seconds of a person's life as the cold sets in. Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Your poem is in excellent 5/7/5 form
good alliterative pairing of fixate and fast
A most compelling depiction of the final seconds of a person's life as the cold sets in. Brooke
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Brooke,
Thank you so much for your very lovely review! I'm thrilled it caught your eye :)
Comment from stanzasandstuff
Very descriptive poem! It shows an ability to own a situation you have not actually experienced. A rare quality.
One suggestion
Pulsing ... (or bulging)eyes drop fast
Good luck with the contest
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Very descriptive poem! It shows an ability to own a situation you have not actually experienced. A rare quality.
One suggestion
Pulsing ... (or bulging)eyes drop fast
Good luck with the contest
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thank you. I like your suggestion but could not add it to this piece as it was meant to be not a single death but the combined experiences of lost loved ones of my own, the loss of loved ones as experienced by friends and family, and a bit of my own experience dealing with death and loss when I was a volunteer at a wildlife preserve. Please know that your suggestion was definitely taken to heart (I do not like to mince words) and since my free verse tends to run a little Gothic I may definitely use that phrasing!Again thank you for your advice and the review, as this truly is my passion.
Comment from Ekim777
Well your literary interests seems to cover the whole range of English and American literature. Your target for your poem is supremely ambitious; the penetration of the unknown meaning death. Have you ever witnessed someone dying? To my understanding life experience to its fullness is utter awareness; the highest relationship to others and the world where you are entirely connected to everything extraneous to yourself. Mostly there can be abyss separating ourselves from all other reality. You the observer ideally cannot be separated from what you are observing. All this must be relinquished in death, the ultimate withdrawal. As I understand it those who have lived the fullest lives go most peaceably to their end. More than pain, fear is the bug bear of the unknown.At the final end, the features rest in composure. Still in life we cannot really fathom the experience of death. May you live until 120. - Ekim
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Well your literary interests seems to cover the whole range of English and American literature. Your target for your poem is supremely ambitious; the penetration of the unknown meaning death. Have you ever witnessed someone dying? To my understanding life experience to its fullness is utter awareness; the highest relationship to others and the world where you are entirely connected to everything extraneous to yourself. Mostly there can be abyss separating ourselves from all other reality. You the observer ideally cannot be separated from what you are observing. All this must be relinquished in death, the ultimate withdrawal. As I understand it those who have lived the fullest lives go most peaceably to their end. More than pain, fear is the bug bear of the unknown.At the final end, the features rest in composure. Still in life we cannot really fathom the experience of death. May you live until 120. - Ekim
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I write from experience as well as from inspiration drawn from the careful interaction with others which ultimately let me write the piece before you. I, through several work opportunities (I worked as a volunteer in Zoos and Aquariums as a teen), saw death in the form of a natural cycle we are all a part of but I also experienced it through the loss of a dear family member and had friends who told me of their losses when sharing...This piece is the end result of my meditating on the subject as much as it is the compilation of all those experiences combined into one brief breath. Hope that answers your question and again thank you for the review!
Comment from rashi kumar
This is a great 5/7/5! Perfect in form!
really takes us to the plight of a person nearing death,
very well-written and beautifully presented!
All the best!
Keep sharing!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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This is a great 5/7/5! Perfect in form!
really takes us to the plight of a person nearing death,
very well-written and beautifully presented!
All the best!
Keep sharing!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I love poetry but Haikus are newer venture in the poetic realm for me!
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You will enjoy it! Take care!
Comment from irishauthorme
First, "Welcome Aboard!" This is a good place to express yourself. While most residents are amateurs(like myself) you will nevertheless find some very talented authors on FS, writing in all genres. Many authors have self-published, a few have left the site when they were picked up by an agent who sold their works.
Look in the various 'rankings' to find the best poets and story writers.
Good lines in your 5-7-5, everyone has their own interpretation of what happens as we die, but we all have to experience it for ourselves, and maybe it is different for each of us?
Cheers, irish
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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First, "Welcome Aboard!" This is a good place to express yourself. While most residents are amateurs(like myself) you will nevertheless find some very talented authors on FS, writing in all genres. Many authors have self-published, a few have left the site when they were picked up by an agent who sold their works.
Look in the various 'rankings' to find the best poets and story writers.
Good lines in your 5-7-5, everyone has their own interpretation of what happens as we die, but we all have to experience it for ourselves, and maybe it is different for each of us?
Cheers, irish
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Irish,
Thank you very much for you kind words. As a published author I'm looking for the kind of feedback (like this) that allows me to sharpen the ol' pencil of the mind and hone my craft.
Comment from Amy Comstock
Wow..you describe death fully in just a few short words. Good job! Thank you for sharing this powerful little poem and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Wow..you describe death fully in just a few short words. Good job! Thank you for sharing this powerful little poem and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Dear Amy,
Your review made me feel very proud of this piece! Thank you so much!
Comment from wordsfromsue
This is a gripper. It requires reading slowly and letting the gravity of your words and images be absorbed. Kind of leaves you without words! Very good piece!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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This is a gripper. It requires reading slowly and letting the gravity of your words and images be absorbed. Kind of leaves you without words! Very good piece!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Muse,
Thanks so much for the lovely review! I am very happy you enjoyed my piece!
