Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Gima: Columns, Passion and Death"fantasy adventure
16 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a descriptive piece of writing, my friend, so intriguing, your words painting the scene..
heart beat - heartbeat
satisified - satisfied
thworts?? not heard of this word - (thwarts yes, but this wouldn't do, of course)
It seems to say.Again, - space after period
Well penned, Ellen.
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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What a descriptive piece of writing, my friend, so intriguing, your words painting the scene..
heart beat - heartbeat
satisified - satisfied
thworts?? not heard of this word - (thwarts yes, but this wouldn't do, of course)
It seems to say.Again, - space after period
Well penned, Ellen.
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thworts is one of those tonal Vermel things I guess it is too close to the word thwart and could be changed to chortle which I know you are familiar with in the other chapters. That is helpful. I came too close to the reader's world and pulled you out for that moment.
Am I only telling and not showing? (Another criticism.)LOL I'm in now to correct. Thank you again, Margaret.:)ellen
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I told you, it's fine as it is... believe me. M x
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Thank you that was the last point that he made. I'm content. Now, to work again. Thank you. :) ellen xxx
Comment from Janie King
Won't deprive you of my vote of confidence but I'm going to pass the reading of the piece and bless you as you write what you feel inspired to write. We are all on different missions..mine is on the wimpy side...nothing too frightening. God bless.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Won't deprive you of my vote of confidence but I'm going to pass the reading of the piece and bless you as you write what you feel inspired to write. We are all on different missions..mine is on the wimpy side...nothing too frightening. God bless.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Janie. It's always good to hear from you. I'll write some more poetry that isn't frightening. How's that? :) love and peace, ellen
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ellen :)
I have to give you a five for being able to come up with such a story in the first place.
It's so far out of my area of expertise I think I might be reading a strange, new language.
To me, the story is so complicated it's hard to follow. Basically, this chapter is all narrative "telling" and also seems chaotic. The majority of your paragraphs are the same length and should be varied a bit more.
Finally, you seem to be narrating in present tense which adds more confusion to an already difficult tale to follow.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm afraid I can't get a grip on the story.
Ted
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Hi Ellen :)
I have to give you a five for being able to come up with such a story in the first place.
It's so far out of my area of expertise I think I might be reading a strange, new language.
To me, the story is so complicated it's hard to follow. Basically, this chapter is all narrative "telling" and also seems chaotic. The majority of your paragraphs are the same length and should be varied a bit more.
Finally, you seem to be narrating in present tense which adds more confusion to an already difficult tale to follow.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm afraid I can't get a grip on the story.
Ted
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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That's fine, Ted T. I know this is a push for you to even try to read. It is a reporting of the events at Sadies. There actually is no place for much narrative which you know I usually do. If the entire book was 'telling' it would be a disaster. The action was the emphasis not Vermel interaction. Her wanting his semen and his killing her were not personal. Both were purely self-orientated events. Even the column had sensory reactions. Sensory systems don't talk and they characters behaviors were elixir induced. They were on automatic. It had to be a narrator telling with a few internal thought thrown in. The silence of the column room except for the 'announcement's', applause and howling is what I wanted. I didn't want it to appear as if they were mingling or talking or even wanting to relate mentally to each other. The place is chaotic as you said the chapter is. So at least that came through. You came into the story a little late and those that have read it seem to be doing fine. It's a matter of stepping out of reality and into another world. I'm sorry that you didn't jump into it sooner.
I felt this way when I came into 'Leg's.' It was near the end, remember? It took quite a few chapters for me to understand him,the cat and his mother. Then I got it!
Don't be worried. Your comments are helpful and I will consider how to use them. If I can add more dialgue, I will. (I don't want to slow it down, though.) Why does present tense confuse you? If a character was thinking back on this, I might understand the confusion. Maybe you can help me with this?
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Hi Ellen :)
Remember, I did read the first chapter a while back and I was confused then.
You're in third person unlimited omniscience[the God POV]and should be relating to events in present tense which makes an awkward read.
However, I read the other reviews and they love the story, so go with those folks and have fun.
Ted
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Your read the first chapter I think while it was still a short story, before I rewrote it into five chapters. (It's still need a lot of work.)
You said here that I should be relating to things in the present tense as the unlimited omniscience view. You don't like that POV? Ever? I'm just learning about POV. remember I had questions before when you were writing your last post? Even when I read about it on the internet, all they do is define it. That doesn't help in using it. In Johnny O it was from his perspective. No getting into anyone else's head. That was first person past tense, right. Is that a more usual POV? Is there a more commonly used POV?
I know that many others like it, but it doesn't make them all right either. I value your points and have learned from them. My mind is open.
Your final 'so go with those folks and have fun' was kind of mean. Are you taking your truck out of the sandbox and going home, Ted? Did you mean it that way? I don't want to sever things over this. Other people have their opinions and of course I love the praise. We all do, but it doesn't discredit your opinion in my eyes.
Still friends, I hope.
ellen
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Hi Ellen :)
I didn't intend to be mean at all. I simply meant that almost every reviewer, even Brooke likes what you're doing and she's an excellent writer/reviewer. I should not try to swim against that tide.
The key word in your current narrative POV is "unlimited" and that's where you seem to be with the story. You're eleven chapters in on the book, changing the narrative POV now would require major revision. The story is complicated, to say the least and that makes any narrative POV change more difficult.
The most common narrative POV is third person/limited omniscient. With that you can get into any character's head so long as it's one character per scene, then it becomes "character" POV not narrative POV. The next most popular POV is first person singular the [I] POV. Only the narrator can have internal dialogue and can't know anything about the thoughts of any character in the novel. That's too restrictive for my taste.
I'm a commercial fiction writer. My fantasy is limited to the work I did in "The Magic Meadow" which is a children's fantasy.
In present tense, you'll be using a lot of [is] [he's/she's] [they are] etc. Even in first person singular, the narrative is usually in past tense while the dialogue is in present tense.
You tend to "tell" rather than "show" as most up and coming writers do. Sometimes "telling" is necessary, but not for a whole chapter. You're "telling" the reader what the characters are feeling, not "showing" it. John felt goose bumps. is "telling" Goose flesh crawled up John's arms and he shivered. That's "showing" and makes a better story every time.
It takes practice to get everything right. As Stephen King once said: "After about a million words you start to get the hang of writing good fiction." He's right and we all have a long road ahead.
Ted
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Well there it is! I never understood 'telling' and 'showing.' I thought it had to do with dialogue. Dumb new writer holds up her hand. LOL
I can easily make that change, and it will begin with the upcoming post. I knew there was something undefined that wasn't right about the piece or you would have like it. I must be doing this everywhere. Awful. How do you stand to read any newbies, Ted? I can't thank you enough for this. I'm thrilled.
This instructive gem will be saved in the 'Ted Says' file. :)
Warmest regards,
ellen
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Hi Ellen :)
I'm glad I could clear up a few things for you and to make other points I'll go a step further.
Regarding narrative POV: my children's book "The Magic Meadow" I use two Narrative POVs. One in present tense the second in past tense. The book involves three separate stories, all of which are written in third person limited omniscient POV. The opening sequence is in present tense.
Ten-year-old Kayla and her puppy Scooter enter the "Magic Meadow" and encounter Mr. Tree. He is sad and crying. Kayla wants to know why Mr. Tree is sad and wants to help him feel better. All of that is in present tense.
Mr. Tree explains that his friends have left the meadow and he doesn't know if they will come back. Again, all in present tense. Then Mr. Tree tells Kayla about his friends, "The Dragon and the Unicorn" when he begins his story, I switch to third person limited omniscient POV in past tense and that first story unfolds. When Mr. Tree has told the tale, I return to the meadow and Mr. Tree is back in present tense. When he tells Kayle the second story of "The Princess and the Poet" the narrative returns to past tense as Mr. Tree narrates the tale. When he finishes he story the tense returns to present, then back to past tense as Mr. Tree tells Kayla the closing story of "The Swallow and the Raven". All three stories are told in past tense because Mr. Tree is relating to something that happened in the past. It's not difficult to understand such an approach, but it takes some experience to pull it off.
Some FS reviewers gave me flack for the POV narrative switch, but that's because they didn't know it can be done.
Dean Koontz did it in his novel "Intensity" -- his opening sequence was all in present tense. Then he switched to Past tense in all the rest of his third person limited omniscient POV for the rest of the novel. I wrote to him, as a writing instructor, and asked how and why. He responded with a ten page letter as to how and why. It can be done when you've learned the skills, but you can't have an entire chapter in third person present tense with more than one POV. That's what you've done in chapter eleven and it confuses the story.
I hope all this makes a difference for you.
Ted
Comment from write hand blue
This is the first chapter I have read, surely there cannot be ten more like this. Such descriptions, such detail and imagination.
Just had to finish reading it, perhaps with a morbid fascination. Where do you get all that inspiration from? Do you dream it up after eating cheese?...If you do what type is it? Please tell...LOL. You get six for the talent you have shown.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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This is the first chapter I have read, surely there cannot be ten more like this. Such descriptions, such detail and imagination.
Just had to finish reading it, perhaps with a morbid fascination. Where do you get all that inspiration from? Do you dream it up after eating cheese?...If you do what type is it? Please tell...LOL. You get six for the talent you have shown.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your review. Is it cheese? LOL You cracked me up. ROTFLMAO What a nice surprise to come back to today, a beautiful sixer and such fantastic words. The previous and next couple chapters are in Bellow City. They will be similar in tone. And I guess you could say that even in Upper Earth they have their moments. LOL
Comment from Tina55
Love the stutter.
'Oily scent of arousal' Love it.
Well, there's an opening I haven't seen before! One is masturbating outwardly while the other is masterbating in her mind! Hmm. Pleasure centers and collector columns. How do you come up with this stuff? You really have a gift for fantasy!
I can't imagine the amount of disinfectant needed for these columns when one has finished his business. :)
Holy cow, a fertility score? No pressure there, eh? LOL
Sadie's columns store, and she sells what Larue has just paid to leave behind - ejaculate. ( I think you need a comma after sells)
This Larue sounds bottom of the barrel!
And begins again? Bottom of the barrel, but a prize sprinter!
With a fresh sprits of Attracta Sensation, (I think it's spritz, with a z)
Rejected and hyped-up on caramel-clarity, Dyrel's face puffs and her mole-hairs rise. (This is brilliant, gross, but brilliant!)
OMG, Ellen, that was intense! I was cringing, I was grinning, I was curling my toes. What an imagination, and expressed so easily!!
Well done.
Tina :)
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Love the stutter.
'Oily scent of arousal' Love it.
Well, there's an opening I haven't seen before! One is masturbating outwardly while the other is masterbating in her mind! Hmm. Pleasure centers and collector columns. How do you come up with this stuff? You really have a gift for fantasy!
I can't imagine the amount of disinfectant needed for these columns when one has finished his business. :)
Holy cow, a fertility score? No pressure there, eh? LOL
Sadie's columns store, and she sells what Larue has just paid to leave behind - ejaculate. ( I think you need a comma after sells)
This Larue sounds bottom of the barrel!
And begins again? Bottom of the barrel, but a prize sprinter!
With a fresh sprits of Attracta Sensation, (I think it's spritz, with a z)
Rejected and hyped-up on caramel-clarity, Dyrel's face puffs and her mole-hairs rise. (This is brilliant, gross, but brilliant!)
OMG, Ellen, that was intense! I was cringing, I was grinning, I was curling my toes. What an imagination, and expressed so easily!!
Well done.
Tina :)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Tina for your full review and a lovely six! Yes, Larue is a real macho a-h, but what's another breeder to him? LOL He has his column and soon the boy. The edits are appreciated. I wondered about spritz. I just looked up sprits and its a nautical term. LOL I'm in to edit.
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A nautical term, eh? Does it go with horny toads and colums? Still might work, after all~!! LOL
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www.thefreedictionary.com/sprits - Similarto sprits - definition of sprits by the Free Online Dictionary, ...
sprit (spr t). n. Nautical. 1. A pole that extends diagonally across a fore-and-aft sail from the lower part of the mast to the peak of the sail. 2. A bowsprit. ...
It does mention a 'pole.' LOL
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Great chapter. This is a very sensual write. A great continuation from the last chapter. Wicked Sadie has quite a set up going here-oh to make money!!! No spags seen and your use of their language is awesome!!! Great Chapter!!! I would give you a six, but fanstory won't let me~ Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Great chapter. This is a very sensual write. A great continuation from the last chapter. Wicked Sadie has quite a set up going here-oh to make money!!! No spags seen and your use of their language is awesome!!! Great Chapter!!! I would give you a six, but fanstory won't let me~ Debbie
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Debbie for your fine review. Yeah, Sadie is all about the money. I'm glad you liked the language and I'm stuck with you, too on the FS six thing. LOL. Again, many thanks.:)love, ellen xxx
Comment from Tammara
WOW...Ellen This is just amazing, I just love your imaginative writing skills! The descriptions of this amazingly wonderful world is just fascinating! I love reading your story, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Great Story! :)
Tammara
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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WOW...Ellen This is just amazing, I just love your imaginative writing skills! The descriptions of this amazingly wonderful world is just fascinating! I love reading your story, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Great Story! :)
Tammara
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you Tammara for your maravelous words and sixer. I'm so glad that you are following this and can let me know how it is running chapter to chapter. So many just catch one chapter here and there without continuity. Have a great week. Your review has given mine a great start. :) love ya, ellen xxx
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You are very welcome, you deserved it! You are writing a great story, I just love it and I can't wait to read more! :) Tammara
Comment from strandregs
Trell was brought from Ticum's Arena to Sadie's 'House of Fantasy and Pleasure' where he recovered from wounds received at the Arena. Tonight he's stands displayed in a
He's stands-? check that!
Chapter 9 - Mural Roome- roome?
Fully consuming and consumating(is that a word?)
Gripping without a gripe.
Enjoyed reading and flowing with your imagination.
It will only come to a store next to you in five or six years.
Sorry.
Z.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Trell was brought from Ticum's Arena to Sadie's 'House of Fantasy and Pleasure' where he recovered from wounds received at the Arena. Tonight he's stands displayed in a
He's stands-? check that!
Chapter 9 - Mural Roome- roome?
Fully consuming and consumating(is that a word?)
Gripping without a gripe.
Enjoyed reading and flowing with your imagination.
It will only come to a store next to you in five or six years.
Sorry.
Z.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Hi there, Z. I checked out consumating and it is a word. I'll get right to those typo-spags. Sticky fingers, snacking has its revenge. LOL In a store in five or six years? I'll be dead by then. Is there a way to rush this a bit? LOL Thank you so much for thinking it'll ever get there. :) ellen
Comment from Writingfundimension
I've said this before, but I'm just amazed by your imaginative writing here, ellen. I found it all quite fascinating. The descriptions totally pulled me into your story and I am able to believe that such a world exists. Strong and inventive writing, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I've said this before, but I'm just amazed by your imaginative writing here, ellen. I found it all quite fascinating. The descriptions totally pulled me into your story and I am able to believe that such a world exists. Strong and inventive writing, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Bev. It's always helpful to hear that this Under Earth seems like a real place and can hold you there in your imagination for the chapter without you popping out. I'm working on trying to not have the reader pop out. Did that make any sense. Oh, well ...
Thank you again for a great review, Bev. Have a wonderful week.:) ellen xxx
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Oh, yes...perfectly. So many things to take into consideration when crafting a novel, eh? I had no idea before joining this site. You have a wonderful week too, my friend. Xxx Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Whew!! This was an education. I've never met the likes of these guys before in anything I've ever read. They are positively unbelievable, BD. What a mind!!
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Whew!! This was an education. I've never met the likes of these guys before in anything I've ever read. They are positively unbelievable, BD. What a mind!!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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All the more reason to take care of our planet. LOL Thank you for your review, G. I know it was a long read and a bit dicey. It'll be nice when we can get back to the Valley ... maybe. LOL
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Yes it will for I'm meeting characters I never imagine!! LOL.
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Vermel can't come up. They don't even believe Upper Earth exists. You're save kicking sand in the 'Twilight.' :)BD
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LOL well I'm so glad. Hehehe.
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I didn't want you to worry. Tee-hee-hee
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I'm sticking close to you in this story.
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I'm sticking close to Trell. He got out and went topside. Plus he's a cutie. Don't tell Gima I said that. LOL
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Oooooooooooooookay!!