Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Gima:Trell Before Gima "fantasy adventure
13 total reviews
Comment from linnietwotymez
This is crafted in the splendid array of visualization and word usage. I just so happen to come to this chapter and still have a very good idea of what is going on. I need my writing to be more precise like this. Thumbs up!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
  |
This is crafted in the splendid array of visualization and word usage. I just so happen to come to this chapter and still have a very good idea of what is going on. I need my writing to be more precise like this. Thumbs up!
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
-
You have gone back to my favorite parts. This and the chapters that follow. Then I had to come back up to the Valley to bond the heroes to lead to the 'fantastic' conclusion ( of book one LOL) You'll love the bad guys down here as much as others love only the good cute story in the valley. Thank you so much for reading and liking this. My writing was getting a bit better than it was in the beginning. They say you have to keep writing in order to get better at it, so I do. LOL Your structure is getting better, too, linnintwotymez(can we shorten that to linnie or mez?)
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--Poor Trell. So maltreated by 'his own?' and mistaken for a filthy human. LOL.
Why can't chicks at the parties I attend behave like those vermel babes at the show? LOL I'm always ready to display 'my thingy' to please them. LOL.
That below earth is one scary-ass place.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
 |
--Poor Trell. So maltreated by 'his own?' and mistaken for a filthy human. LOL.
Why can't chicks at the parties I attend behave like those vermel babes at the show? LOL I'm always ready to display 'my thingy' to please them. LOL.
That below earth is one scary-ass place.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
-
They're some hot babes in Bellow City, Bay K. Glad to see you're catching up on the entertainment at one of Ticum's establishments. LOL Thank you for reviewing the goings on at the Arena.:) ellen xxx
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
You are so creative and imaginative with this. You have created a whole new world and a language to go with it. A whole crowd of angry, aroused creatures sounds a bit frightening!!! Good work.
Take care~Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2011
|
You are so creative and imaginative with this. You have created a whole new world and a language to go with it. A whole crowd of angry, aroused creatures sounds a bit frightening!!! Good work.
Take care~Debbie
Comment Written 14-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2011
-
Thank you, debbie. I thought of having a crowd fight, but decided that was a bit too predictable and maybe the reader could imagine that by themselves. It sounds like you did get the gist of it. I was more concerned with getting Trell to Sadie's. LOL Thank you for noting this point. This kind of comment is a great help to know what the reader is getting besides the obvious. Thank you for seeing the inhabitants of Bellow City as frightening and we've only had a peek. I do appreciate your reading for me and telling me what you are feeling beyond what is written.(the obvious) I hope Sadie is disgusting as well as pitiful. She can't love;base insticts rule her. When she spit on the candle as a threat did it remind you of Blathen and the wolf-dogs? The DO's were ready to leave immediately. Thank you again for all of your help.:) ellen Happy Holidays. Did you read anotherjim's Christmas post? If not, do. It had me laughing so hard. His humor is priceless! Oh, and are you dreaming in iambic tetrameter, yet? LOL :) love, ellen xxx
Comment from peggles
This is so well written with a easy flow giving an easy read There is very descriptive imagery
those little creatures are horride and so cruel
I have changed my mind about Trell
I was really feeling sorry for him now I just think he is a nasty piece of work
A gripping fantasy story
I am enjoying this story as it continues although it feels as if it is winding down (Could be wrong, I hope so) I will be waiting now for chapter nine
Well done
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2011
|
This is so well written with a easy flow giving an easy read There is very descriptive imagery
those little creatures are horride and so cruel
I have changed my mind about Trell
I was really feeling sorry for him now I just think he is a nasty piece of work
A gripping fantasy story
I am enjoying this story as it continues although it feels as if it is winding down (Could be wrong, I hope so) I will be waiting now for chapter nine
Well done
Comment Written 13-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2011
-
Thank you, peggles for your review. It's not winding down yet. Actually, its winding up again. LOL. I wondered what made you dislike Trell? He was doing what Trum made him do. If I wrote that wrong, I need to correct it.Please respond. I don't want to post the next chapter until I get this right in this one. You are being very helpful. :)barking dog
-
Thank you, peggles for your review. It's not winding down yet. Actually, its winding up again. LOL. I wondered what made you dislike Trell? He was doing what Trum made him do. If I wrote that wrong, I need to correct it.Please respond. I don't want to post the next chapter until I get this right in this one. You are being very helpful. :)barking dog
-
its just I think he should have refused I know its like (I was only taking orders thing) but I had hoped he was going to be a braver person
please don't think I was criticizing your fine story but this did make me cross with him I absolutely hate Trum is is evil
-
Great that you hate Trum, a sadistic pawn, and Jacknel is a greedy retrobate. Trell is still young. I need to add that now to show that he is not the man we know with Gima, he is just a boy. You have picked up on this essential point and I need to go back and varify his innocence and thus his disbelief at what is happening to him. This was before Gima and makes him the Trell you admire. He was sold to Jacknel because he is Verdant. That is in the second part(Sadie's House) to be posted next.
-
glad it helps I was a little worried I had said something out of place I get so involved when |I am reading stuff I enjoy
-
You found a very important glitch. I hadn't made the transition to the past clear enough and you took the Trell you had grown to know into the arena instead of the boy he once was. I think you'll like to see how he becomes the man laying in the meadow with his family trying to decide what to do next.
I could just hug you for this brilliant review! (( O )) and xxx, too.:) love, ellen
-
yes I am going to glad I was of help it makes reviewing so worth while
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen.
Another great addition to the novel.
The title might be a bit complicated though?
You have certainly now establish your gruesome little creatures - delicious stuff.
Your glossary in your author's notes made me chuckle.
People have now translated Shakespeare's play Hamlet into the Klingon language from the Star Trek movies - and it's been performed!
I'll watch out for your new language to hit the stage.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
Hi ellen.
Another great addition to the novel.
The title might be a bit complicated though?
You have certainly now establish your gruesome little creatures - delicious stuff.
Your glossary in your author's notes made me chuckle.
People have now translated Shakespeare's play Hamlet into the Klingon language from the Star Trek movies - and it's been performed!
I'll watch out for your new language to hit the stage.
Ron xox
Comment Written 12-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Thank you Ron for your glorious review. The language thing is fun. LOL. Shakespeare in Klingon, now I'd love to see that. First, have to brush up on Klingon.(I was never a Star Trek fan. I was more into Starwars with Allen who has a massive collection, still in boxes.) Suggest a title. Trell Before Gima is what it is. I never can get titles. I could call it 'Pissing Contest' or 'Members Only' LOL Suggestions are appreciated. I'm just easing the readers into the real horrors. This chapter was kid stuff. I'm actually afraid to post the next one for fear people will think I'm a perv. I just have an active imagination. Honest. I don't even say these words out loud. LOL:) love, ellen
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Nasy little creatures, some of them..
and so cruel. This story is so
unique.. I've never read anything
quite like it.
... let's say 100 bruicks ??bricks
horn players.The audience - space after period
comparitively - comparatively
through out - throughout
up the street.The big - space after period
all to see."Show yourself - and here
I want to say a special thank you for your support and encouragement throughout the year, Ellen... and I wish you a happy Christmas with your son and good health and happiness for the coming New Year, my friend.
Margaret xx
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
Nasy little creatures, some of them..
and so cruel. This story is so
unique.. I've never read anything
quite like it.
... let's say 100 bruicks ??bricks
horn players.The audience - space after period
comparitively - comparatively
through out - throughout
up the street.The big - space after period
all to see."Show yourself - and here
I want to say a special thank you for your support and encouragement throughout the year, Ellen... and I wish you a happy Christmas with your son and good health and happiness for the coming New Year, my friend.
Margaret xx
Comment Written 12-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Thank you for your Season's Greetings, my friend. Your review is also appreciated.
It is bruicks. One of their forms of money. It's in the Notes.
I fixed that comparatively twice and it didn't take.(again, I did it with the dumb FS spell check and forgot to check it.)
Thank you again. Now, you and your love have a wonderful time on vacation and a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, too.
Take care and be happy. Love, Ellen xxx
Comment from adewpearl
I love your glossary of Vermel speech/sounds
what rules this society has - illegal to keep an adult Vertant - unless its for blood games or prostitution - that gives a whole new meaning to living by the law :-)
You describe the way the treat Trell as he's being trained quite effectively
You create the side show display of Trell most realistically
both in the way the deception is carried out and in the showmanship - you also describe the disgusting sexual arousal of the audience most effectively
Good conclusion as it's discovered he's Vertant, not human Brooke
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
I love your glossary of Vermel speech/sounds
what rules this society has - illegal to keep an adult Vertant - unless its for blood games or prostitution - that gives a whole new meaning to living by the law :-)
You describe the way the treat Trell as he's being trained quite effectively
You create the side show display of Trell most realistically
both in the way the deception is carried out and in the showmanship - you also describe the disgusting sexual arousal of the audience most effectively
Good conclusion as it's discovered he's Vertant, not human Brooke
Comment Written 12-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Thank you, Brooke. Did I actually make it through without spags?Yes, it's very different in Under Earth. It may be getting too much for some readers, but I continue or there can be no just conclusion. It's hard posting pieces of chapters because the reader is left ... well with Trell now with the disposal officers.(We know he lives because this is a memory, but imagine this chapter if it were before we know that he lives with Gima. It would be us pulling for his survival all the way. I think it needs to be moved to allow Trell's character to develope as it should. So, I've found a mistake in writing a book and attempting to post it before it is completed. Chapter's may need to be shuffled a bit for character development. Just as we shift lines in poetry or paragraphs in short works, chapters need shifting in novels. When you introduce a character is important. Trell just sort of became the mysterious father who the men still don't know about.
Are you pulling for Trell, even though you know he does make it to Upper Earth. Or would it be better where we aren't sure until he does escape?
-
Thank you, Brooke. Did I actually make it through without spags?
Yes, it's very different in Under Earth. It may be getting too much for some readers but I continue, or there can be no just conclusion. It's hard posting pieces of chapters because the reader is left hanging.
We know Trell lives because this is a memory, but imagine this chapter if it had come earlier in the book -- before he met Gima. We would be pulling for his survival, feeling the threat even more. I'm considering moving these Trell chapters back to allow Trell's character to develope as it should.
It looks like I'm learning and I've found a mistake in writing a book, and posting it before it is completed. Chapter's may need to be shuffled a bit for character development. Just as we shift words and lines in poetry or paragraphs in short works, chapters need shifting in novels. When you introduce a character is important. Trell just sort of became the mysterious father who the men still don't know about.
As you read this, were you pulling for Trell, even though you know he does make it to Upper Earth? Or would you be more emotionally involved if you thought he could die at any minute?
Comment from Carrie Smith
Ellen, this is fast paced, the event coming alive and your expert writing demands that I keep reading. Your imagination is astounding, details chilling. Although fantasty, very close to man's behavior. You might make a believer of me yet. Let you know what Tommy thinks. xxSusan
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
Ellen, this is fast paced, the event coming alive and your expert writing demands that I keep reading. Your imagination is astounding, details chilling. Although fantasty, very close to man's behavior. You might make a believer of me yet. Let you know what Tommy thinks. xxSusan
Comment Written 12-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Thank you, Carrie for your review. Again this is just the first half of a long write leading up to his time at Sadie's. I'm glad you're giving it a shot and I hope Tommy likes it. :)ellen xxx
-
Welcome, Ellen, I'm doing my best and Tommy is loving It. Love to chat with you. I'll try and catch you when I think you might be up!! Love,Susan
Comment from Tina55
Again, you throw the reader right into the heat of things.
I noticed a small typo: He can' believe what he sees standing shackled in front of Jacknel. (Missed a t on can't)
This is another hard-hitting, emotional write. You are a fearless writer, no doubt. Very well done!
Tina
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
Again, you throw the reader right into the heat of things.
I noticed a small typo: He can' believe what he sees standing shackled in front of Jacknel. (Missed a t on can't)
This is another hard-hitting, emotional write. You are a fearless writer, no doubt. Very well done!
Tina
Comment Written 11-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Thank you, Tina. Your review is very helpful. This is (as before) the first part of a longer write trying to get him to Sadie's. And of course we still have to follow the couple to the Chambers. Thank you for the typo.Those are so easy to read over!:)ellen
Comment from purrfect tale
This was an excellent chapter. You gave the reader some very interesting background for Trell. I was really feeling sorry for him. Didn't see any spags.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
|
This was an excellent chapter. You gave the reader some very interesting background for Trell. I was really feeling sorry for him. Didn't see any spags.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
-
Wow, not spags. Really? That's a new one for me. Thank you so much for the six stars and poor Trell has much more to suffer at Sadie's to make him who he is today. Thank you again. I'm so thrilled to receive a six from you who has finished(nearly) a book already. :) barking dog