Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Gima: Alone All Alone"fantasy adventure
18 total reviews
Comment from BarnCat
Hey Bev -- I enjoyed this chapter very much. Now it is time to go back and read from the beginning and on t following chapters. Your dialog is blunt and character-driven, which makes it ring true. This chapter makes me want to get to know your characters and their world better. Well done, and good luck! D
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2012
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Hey Bev -- I enjoyed this chapter very much. Now it is time to go back and read from the beginning and on t following chapters. Your dialog is blunt and character-driven, which makes it ring true. This chapter makes me want to get to know your characters and their world better. Well done, and good luck! D
Comment Written 04-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2012
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Thank you, D for reading this chapter. 'Gima' started out as a short story. I'm attempting to justify the first chapter, the short story, with what follows. It is a bit of a work in progress because of how it all started. A story that people asked me to continue. I have never written before I came to FS in April. Attempting a short story was a challenge. This book has been a tremedous adventure in learning. I'm glad that I was pushed to do it and my skills increase through the doing. I'm trying to wind this up and will be posting again soon. Again, thank you for reading this chapter and your kind words.:)barking dog
Comment from Just Alyx
Well, hello! Stoked to find this in the booth. Congrats, ellen, and very deserving--I actually made myself read it and was glad of it. It's still not a story I'd follow all the way, but it's written very well. I only read the first part originally, tho remember all the details so that I understood everything that was going on here. Excellent stand-alone.
Top descriptions in all scenes and mood control, too. I thought you handled the scene changes especially well. Very smooth, I didn't feel a hitch anywhere. I don't know if you've introduced many other characters since the beginning, but I'm still with those I know, so I found myself plugging for each of them in the storyline.
I like Gemma still more, and can't help enjoying her blase, sardonic attitude to some things--still, heh. She was like that as a kid. She's raw, real and lives by her instincts and wits, so she's got my vote. Leaving the baby to its native kin was a great touch, and then easing out on Trell smelling man.
It's an interesting and good story, ellen. You really have got it happening with this novel, eh? Pleased for you, mate, and I know what hard work it is. A few tweaks I know you'll want to address for clean copy, and will use whatever else is valid to you. Congrats at the selection again, and much luck in the booth. Cheers. Alyx.
"He's anxious for you[.]" Trell laughs as Blathen
"OK, be patient," she says firmly as she laughs inwardly(,) at Trell's awkwardness--comma interruptive.
I love him.(")
"Com'on then, Trelly. Give him to me. I'm ready[.]" [She] motions, smiling and cooing--action, not dialogue tag.
Blathen quiets immediately--quietens??
#The pinkish liquid drips from his asymmetrical mouth which is a bit to the left of center--enjoyed this description especially.
His legs twitch as his eye moves back and forth through his first memory[;] that of small eyes peering--semi or other punctuation??
"Hunter, snap out of it ... Earth to Hunter--the three dialogues here, from the same character, would make some readers stop and examine because they think of different speakers at first thru the formatting. It's fine to have these follow each other as one whole para because it is the same speaker. Could be an FS format problem?
Hunter slips backward[,] landing against a tree and sliding to the ground
Then[,] [matter-of-factly],--my grammar calls for the hyphens, but yours might not??
"Slow and easy. If it's her, she probably hears like a bat.["]
new, frightening(,) and foreign in his forest--no comma before 'and' when listing.
"Damn, [it's] dark. Thought we had more time[.]" Hunter lights another lantern.
Burning pressure and fullness prompts her intake of one last deep breath, straining like she's never strained before, her entire body (forces) life from her one more time--you need 'forcing' for proper context there.
"We have to make camp, Azz. You're just trampling out any signs of a trail.["]--line space needed after this.
"Fuck a duck...Hunter! When you're right[,] you're right!--missing spaces either side of ellipsis. Also, whenever I want a lot of emphasis in the one dialogue, I resort to one in italics. "Shit" would be good, to avoid too many exclam. marks.
and without emotion says, "Now, let's see that 'pup'!"--the exclam. mark contradicts the previous description of emotionless; it denotes passion, so I'd be inclined to leave it out.
Cheers :)
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2011
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Well, hello! Stoked to find this in the booth. Congrats, ellen, and very deserving--I actually made myself read it and was glad of it. It's still not a story I'd follow all the way, but it's written very well. I only read the first part originally, tho remember all the details so that I understood everything that was going on here. Excellent stand-alone.
Top descriptions in all scenes and mood control, too. I thought you handled the scene changes especially well. Very smooth, I didn't feel a hitch anywhere. I don't know if you've introduced many other characters since the beginning, but I'm still with those I know, so I found myself plugging for each of them in the storyline.
I like Gemma still more, and can't help enjoying her blase, sardonic attitude to some things--still, heh. She was like that as a kid. She's raw, real and lives by her instincts and wits, so she's got my vote. Leaving the baby to its native kin was a great touch, and then easing out on Trell smelling man.
It's an interesting and good story, ellen. You really have got it happening with this novel, eh? Pleased for you, mate, and I know what hard work it is. A few tweaks I know you'll want to address for clean copy, and will use whatever else is valid to you. Congrats at the selection again, and much luck in the booth. Cheers. Alyx.
"He's anxious for you[.]" Trell laughs as Blathen
"OK, be patient," she says firmly as she laughs inwardly(,) at Trell's awkwardness--comma interruptive.
I love him.(")
"Com'on then, Trelly. Give him to me. I'm ready[.]" [She] motions, smiling and cooing--action, not dialogue tag.
Blathen quiets immediately--quietens??
#The pinkish liquid drips from his asymmetrical mouth which is a bit to the left of center--enjoyed this description especially.
His legs twitch as his eye moves back and forth through his first memory[;] that of small eyes peering--semi or other punctuation??
"Hunter, snap out of it ... Earth to Hunter--the three dialogues here, from the same character, would make some readers stop and examine because they think of different speakers at first thru the formatting. It's fine to have these follow each other as one whole para because it is the same speaker. Could be an FS format problem?
Hunter slips backward[,] landing against a tree and sliding to the ground
Then[,] [matter-of-factly],--my grammar calls for the hyphens, but yours might not??
"Slow and easy. If it's her, she probably hears like a bat.["]
new, frightening(,) and foreign in his forest--no comma before 'and' when listing.
"Damn, [it's] dark. Thought we had more time[.]" Hunter lights another lantern.
Burning pressure and fullness prompts her intake of one last deep breath, straining like she's never strained before, her entire body (forces) life from her one more time--you need 'forcing' for proper context there.
"We have to make camp, Azz. You're just trampling out any signs of a trail.["]--line space needed after this.
"Fuck a duck...Hunter! When you're right[,] you're right!--missing spaces either side of ellipsis. Also, whenever I want a lot of emphasis in the one dialogue, I resort to one in italics. "Shit" would be good, to avoid too many exclam. marks.
and without emotion says, "Now, let's see that 'pup'!"--the exclam. mark contradicts the previous description of emotionless; it denotes passion, so I'd be inclined to leave it out.
Cheers :)
Comment Written 29-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2011
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Alyx! How have you been? Hope your Christmas went well and that you have a fantastic New Year with lots of great writing.
Thank you for reading and all of your corrections. You really have an eye for these little boogers that just don't stand out to me. I must learn to look at the end of sentences, quotes, etc. That seems to be where many of the spags are showing up.
I have added some characters but only minor ones when I did a flash-back to Bellow City for some background on Trell. When this ends in about four more postings, people may want another book on Trell and then there are the babies.
Thank you again, Alyx. I really have no idea how I got nominated . I think that they just ran out of books and DUH -- 'let's stick this one in' is what happened. I'm just beginning and still have so much to get right. The other's are already published and have been writing in some capacity for years.
It is exciting though. I do have several votes. That's nice.
Love and Happy 2012:) ellen
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Nah, never been my experience they go for pot luck here. Anything selected is always good quality--in my opinion, anyway. Boogers are always our bane. The brain reads them as it wants, doesn't see them as they are.
I had a *top* Christmas, ellen, thanks. Hope you as well. I never make resolutions, but next year is going to be a good'n. I'm due :) Happy happy one for ya, mate! Alyx.
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What are you working on now, Alyx?
I don't make resolutions either. Broken promises are not my thing.:)
Best ever, Alyx ... pen us a poem. :)BD
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I'm working on two different stories at the moment. I write human interest stories because they always interest me the most. I only work on more than one at a time if one is giving me curry and won't cooperate. It's not cooperating. Grrr. A poem? *chuckle* Not likely, mate.
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OK chuck the poem idea. LOL. Wrestle with the 'human' ... interest a bit. LOL Later, round the corner. BD
Comment from elgone
I have to say that I love the premise of your story. It is very well written. The story tells itself, for the most part. As much as I love my own children, this may be a better story. I am not given to seeking recognition through contests. I appreciate the nomination, though. I am flattered. But let's move on.
I cast my vote for your work because it is exceptional in every important way. The narrative soars and the dialogue flows. I truly hope you win.
E
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2011
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I have to say that I love the premise of your story. It is very well written. The story tells itself, for the most part. As much as I love my own children, this may be a better story. I am not given to seeking recognition through contests. I appreciate the nomination, though. I am flattered. But let's move on.
I cast my vote for your work because it is exceptional in every important way. The narrative soars and the dialogue flows. I truly hope you win.
E
Comment Written 28-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2011
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How kind of you to write to me, elgone. I, too, am flattered to have been nominated especially in the company of many published writers. I am but a simple beginner having fun.:)
Thank you so much for your lovely review comments. I'm honored by your praise. I believe we met long ago when I first joined FS. Then I started learning poetry and wasn't reading prose for quite a while.
I do appreciate your vote and what is winning anyway when your words already make me one?
I wish you the Happiest of New Years, E. :) ellen
Comment from purrfect tale
I back tracked when I saw this one was up for book of the month. Great chapter. The part with the squirrel was really a perfect touch.
they(,) like the deer(,) are the hunted and must run.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2011
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I back tracked when I saw this one was up for book of the month. Great chapter. The part with the squirrel was really a perfect touch.
they(,) like the deer(,) are the hunted and must run.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2011
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Thank you for reviewing. I was so surprised to see this nominated. Who nominates? Anyway. It's nice to be noticed. What a way to start the new year. Finish your book? Happy New Year!:) ellen
Comment from adewpearl
Great descriptive detail of Blathen :-)
I'm laughing aloud as this rowdy baby settles the minute he "sights the seeping target" of his mother's breast. LOL
More delightful descriptive detail of this bizarre baby :-)
Excellent dialogue
Oh, yea...for sure - yeah?
coos his love to Gima, who bravely presses - add comma
You convey Gima's intense emotions in a compelling way
What a dramatic ending to this chapter... Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Great descriptive detail of Blathen :-)
I'm laughing aloud as this rowdy baby settles the minute he "sights the seeping target" of his mother's breast. LOL
More delightful descriptive detail of this bizarre baby :-)
Excellent dialogue
Oh, yea...for sure - yeah?
coos his love to Gima, who bravely presses - add comma
You convey Gima's intense emotions in a compelling way
What a dramatic ending to this chapter... Brooke
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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So, Brooke...you like the bizarre baby?LOL It was a fun write! Thank you for enjoying the dialogue and and your enjoying the 'seeping target' (those were the days, LOL)!I do appreciate your reviews, Brooke.:):)ellen Now in to correct your 'sightings.' LOL
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I used to be such a seeping target - I had the world's most empathetic let down reflex - I started seeping for babies in TV commercials, crying kids five aisles over in the grocery store... LOL
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LOL, Brook ROTFL(whatever) You're killin' me. Stop! I feel your...no see your... LOL gotta go before I pee. Love ya, Brooke. (gasping for air)
Comment from Janie King
To be real truthful I spot read this...it's just not my thing..too much for me...but I will support you and review and pray it comes out the way God intends..Keep writing. God bless.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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To be real truthful I spot read this...it's just not my thing..too much for me...but I will support you and review and pray it comes out the way God intends..Keep writing. God bless.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you, Janie for your support and review. It's OK to spot read. This one wasn't violent at all. It was mostly about Gima and Trell, how much they are in love and the fear that they have with Asmal and Hunter looking for them. Again than you for your support and blessings. love, ellen
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ellen. Wow! Looks like I've got some catching up to do, eh? I like your style of writing, except I would much rather this be in past-tense voice. (first person) Your imagination is unbelievable and the writing is scary. I can almost see it as a made-for-TV movie. LOL...Bob
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Hi, Ellen. Wow! Looks like I've got some catching up to do, eh? I like your style of writing, except I would much rather this be in past-tense voice. (first person) Your imagination is unbelievable and the writing is scary. I can almost see it as a made-for-TV movie. LOL...Bob
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you, Bob for your review. I'll have to check out what your mean by first person past-tense. Your see the voice is not a character, it sees all and in all. Wouldn't the voice you suggest make the voice a player in all of this and being that it will have to recall the past, centuries past, that's make it a vampire. LOL No vampires in this, just mutants. I'm glad you like the story and that is is visual enough to be a movie in your imagination. This is quite a flattering and a very much apppreciated review. Thank you for 'watching.' LOL :) ellen
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No,I didn't mean first person...pardon me...I meant put everything in past tense...Like He ran instead of He runs...See what i mean? Just a thought...I think it would read smoother and give you more levity it telling the story. Just my opinion...Bob
Comment from livingwords
I really like this. Great job in creating a world with characters, odd as they may be, that I care about. Minor nit: There...hear that.(?) Will read more. Dan :))
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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I really like this. Great job in creating a world with characters, odd as they may be, that I care about. Minor nit: There...hear that.(?) Will read more. Dan :))
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you so much,Dan for sticking with this. Your review lets me know that the characters are gaining an audience. You 'care about' them as 'odd as they may be.' I hoped this chapter would flesh them out a bit more emotionally. I've not forgotten the six stars. It's like saving the best part for last--dessert. So, I thank you for making my day...heck my week six times brighter. Smiles all around!:)barking dog/ellen
Comment from Gungalo
Well this was interesting. Do I understand you, she had a baby and just left it? Seems rather unnatural but it's your story. It's intriguing and I really must catch up!!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Well this was interesting. Do I understand you, she had a baby and just left it? Seems rather unnatural but it's your story. It's intriguing and I really must catch up!!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your review, Gungalo. Gima is rather unnatural. She's a mutant Vermel or a Verdant. LOL This is her third child in the past twelve or so hours. You've missed what happened to the first one.Trell took Blathen,the second born. This was a fairly mild chapter, not much violence. The next will pick up a bit.:) Intriguing sounds nice. Thank you, G.:)ellen
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Intriguing it is!!
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What an imagination!! This is
so intriguing, I thoroughly enjoyed
the read... all these wondrous creatures.
Blathen's large, inquisitive eye looks above and begins tracking through the [large](great) oak's leaves - consider changing the 2nd "large"
(")Ow!"
"Trelly(,) is that you?"She moans - space before "She"
hoping to loose - lose
Oh, Trelly(,) where are you?
(")Mother
Gima(,) running for her life(,) knows where to find Trell.
Pretense ? - pretence
Margaret
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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What an imagination!! This is
so intriguing, I thoroughly enjoyed
the read... all these wondrous creatures.
Blathen's large, inquisitive eye looks above and begins tracking through the [large](great) oak's leaves - consider changing the 2nd "large"
(")Ow!"
"Trelly(,) is that you?"She moans - space before "She"
hoping to loose - lose
Oh, Trelly(,) where are you?
(")Mother
Gima(,) running for her life(,) knows where to find Trell.
Pretense ? - pretence
Margaret
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you so much, Margaret for a great review and thinking the creatures are wonderous. Thank you as well for the 'great oaks' correction. I have to through a thousand times and be sure I'm not using the same word everywhere. Or saying 'she'too many times before I mention Gima. Hopefully, I'll catch myself more often no that I'm aware. You're so sweet to list the typo's. I know what time that takes. Thank you:)ellen
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I repeated a sentence in a couple of chapters back and didn't even notice myself. M