twisted
defeated6 total reviews
Comment from patsolstad
Interesting idea. But the lines aren't 5 7 5. The first line has 5 syllables; the second has 8; the third has 6. This configuration could well be acceptable if the contest didn't require 5 7 5. SO...what can you do? Your first line is okay. In the second line, you could just remove 'light' and make it, thus, 7 syllables; in the third line, it could be a plea, mother earth, save me, making it 5 syllables. Good luck!
   |
Interesting idea. But the lines aren't 5 7 5. The first line has 5 syllables; the second has 8; the third has 6. This configuration could well be acceptable if the contest didn't require 5 7 5. SO...what can you do? Your first line is okay. In the second line, you could just remove 'light' and make it, thus, 7 syllables; in the third line, it could be a plea, mother earth, save me, making it 5 syllables. Good luck!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2011
Comment from rudion
Very sweet and the picture, of course is just perfect. It's difficult to say so much in such few words. You did a good job.
Rudion
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2011
|
Very sweet and the picture, of course is just perfect. It's difficult to say so much in such few words. You did a good job.
Rudion
Comment Written 14-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2011
-
thank you very much....rudion
Comment from catch22
Hi Scarz,
Your poem is good but the syllable count is off in the last two lines and it does not adhere to the 5-7-5 formatting. If you correct this, please let me know and I will rereview.
|
Hi Scarz,
Your poem is good but the syllable count is off in the last two lines and it does not adhere to the 5-7-5 formatting. If you correct this, please let me know and I will rereview.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2011
Comment from Van
5,7,5 means five syllables for the first line: yours has four
Then there are seven syllables in the second line: yours has five
And lastly there are five in the last line: yours has five.
So you have a 4,5,5
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
|
5,7,5 means five syllables for the first line: yours has four
Then there are seven syllables in the second line: yours has five
And lastly there are five in the last line: yours has five.
So you have a 4,5,5
Comment Written 10-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
-
thanks van.i will do better.
-
You can still fix this one and make it a pretty good piece. Change the first line to "As the sky sees me" Then the second line to something like: Along with the new green field...then leave the last line as it is.
-
When the sky sees me- that's perfect. Spot on 5 syllable and a solid start. 'and the field turns twisted light green'- this has eight syllables. I would recommend either taking out 'and' or 'light' depending on which on you think may be more expendable. Last line, 'Mother Earth will save me.'- this has six syllables. A quick fix would be to change 'Mother' out for 'The'.
Comment from purrfect tale
Interesting imagery with this poem. I couldn't give you aa five start rating. The contest rules called for a 5-7-5 syllable count. Your poem is 4-5-5.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
|
Interesting imagery with this poem. I couldn't give you aa five start rating. The contest rules called for a 5-7-5 syllable count. Your poem is 4-5-5.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
-
okay..
Comment from skillet1
sounds good to me,straight foward message no fluff and sweet as honey.i can hear the words in my mind clear as a bell.again this is nice
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
|
sounds good to me,straight foward message no fluff and sweet as honey.i can hear the words in my mind clear as a bell.again this is nice
Comment Written 10-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
-
thanks
