OUT OF DARKNESS
Personal Acceptance of Personal Actions28 total reviews
Comment from DanielEkine
"Anthony looked as cold and isolated as a snow-covered cemetery." A good reason to be highlighted. It's very well reserved in creativity. The Monday trials. I can imagine. Re-acquiring self work and taking the bull by the horn. It is a good and decisive work from the author. A pleasant use of SPAG command. Very eloquent.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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"Anthony looked as cold and isolated as a snow-covered cemetery." A good reason to be highlighted. It's very well reserved in creativity. The Monday trials. I can imagine. Re-acquiring self work and taking the bull by the horn. It is a good and decisive work from the author. A pleasant use of SPAG command. Very eloquent.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Thank you for your review. SPAG I am not sure what that means.
Comment from LeeDeggs
I love the story line. It is not only believable but could easily be true. Similar scenarios play out every day in courthouses across the country.
The opening could be stronger. It is a little confusing with the metaphors. You wrote:
The door moaned as it slowly opened with a metal scraping sound on concrete, as if it had been closed for a hundred years.
I think I might have written:
The door scraped on concrete. The metallic scrape was as if it were opening for the first time in a century.
I stepped into the blackness of denial and despair.
I might have written the previous as:
I stepped through the opening into blackness born of denial and despair.
You wrote:
Anthony visibly trembled as if he had seen two metal hands closing together and forming an impenetrable bond. He looked across the metal table with eyes like the black holes of space, reflecting nothing. I heard the door moving to close, my body rigid in anticipation of the blacksmith's hammer hitting the anvil. Boom!
Although these are good analogies, they don't quite fit the flow of the story. I would rather see something like: Anthony's hands shook and his eyes were two black holes that held showed nothing. The door rumbled closed and I anticipated the clang of hammer striking anvil.
I smiled and extended my hand to touch his hand, the simple affirmation of another human being. Anthony's hand was limp (eliminate this "and" and substitute a ",") and wet with sweat.
What a great inspirational story. It's true if one owns up to their mistakes and takes responsibility for their actions, it may be hard and there is a price to pay but God will know you.
Keep on writing, this is a wonderful thought.
Lee
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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I love the story line. It is not only believable but could easily be true. Similar scenarios play out every day in courthouses across the country.
The opening could be stronger. It is a little confusing with the metaphors. You wrote:
The door moaned as it slowly opened with a metal scraping sound on concrete, as if it had been closed for a hundred years.
I think I might have written:
The door scraped on concrete. The metallic scrape was as if it were opening for the first time in a century.
I stepped into the blackness of denial and despair.
I might have written the previous as:
I stepped through the opening into blackness born of denial and despair.
You wrote:
Anthony visibly trembled as if he had seen two metal hands closing together and forming an impenetrable bond. He looked across the metal table with eyes like the black holes of space, reflecting nothing. I heard the door moving to close, my body rigid in anticipation of the blacksmith's hammer hitting the anvil. Boom!
Although these are good analogies, they don't quite fit the flow of the story. I would rather see something like: Anthony's hands shook and his eyes were two black holes that held showed nothing. The door rumbled closed and I anticipated the clang of hammer striking anvil.
I smiled and extended my hand to touch his hand, the simple affirmation of another human being. Anthony's hand was limp (eliminate this "and" and substitute a ",") and wet with sweat.
What a great inspirational story. It's true if one owns up to their mistakes and takes responsibility for their actions, it may be hard and there is a price to pay but God will know you.
Keep on writing, this is a wonderful thought.
Lee
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Thank you for your review and suggestions. It is a true story.
Comment from Raphael Montonaro
Yes, very interesting. Very good narrative story. Very well conceived Very good form and content. Very good writing. Great job!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Yes, very interesting. Very good narrative story. Very well conceived Very good form and content. Very good writing. Great job!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Thank you for your review and response.
Comment from Selina Stambi
A sobering tale, with a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.
I admire the godly grandpa for the stand he took.
A good read, ElP.
Until next time,
Sonali
Every "scent" of each flower is withdrawn .. nice word play!
Anthony and three of his friends were charged with six counts of armed robbery had been filed against Anthony and three of his friends ... I think you need to re-phrase this one!
with a smooth(,) light complexion(,) shrouded in a bright orange jump-suit a high security risk.
He (looked up)
sentenced and then (began?) a metamorphosis from darkness to enlightenment.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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A sobering tale, with a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.
I admire the godly grandpa for the stand he took.
A good read, ElP.
Until next time,
Sonali
Every "scent" of each flower is withdrawn .. nice word play!
Anthony and three of his friends were charged with six counts of armed robbery had been filed against Anthony and three of his friends ... I think you need to re-phrase this one!
with a smooth(,) light complexion(,) shrouded in a bright orange jump-suit a high security risk.
He (looked up)
sentenced and then (began?) a metamorphosis from darkness to enlightenment.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the help.
Comment from poetandwriter
A great story with some good similes and metaphors. I like the subject too, it's original. I particularly liked the simile about the cemetery and about his eyes near the beginning.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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A great story with some good similes and metaphors. I like the subject too, it's original. I particularly liked the simile about the cemetery and about his eyes near the beginning.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Muffins
This is beautifully written. The prose is not flowery but amazing in its clarity and judgemental distance. The ending is very important in showing the raw moments we sometimes find ourselves in, moments we know the right choice( which we fight to deal with) is the best choice.
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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This is beautifully written. The prose is not flowery but amazing in its clarity and judgemental distance. The ending is very important in showing the raw moments we sometimes find ourselves in, moments we know the right choice( which we fight to deal with) is the best choice.
Comment Written 22-May-2014
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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Thank you
Comment from N.K. Wagner
I had trouble connecting with this one. Your protagonist was not someone I cared about and he deserved his punishment. Sorry. -Nancy
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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I had trouble connecting with this one. Your protagonist was not someone I cared about and he deserved his punishment. Sorry. -Nancy
Comment Written 22-May-2014
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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Thank you
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very well written story, almost poetic with some of the imagery. Only through honesty and amends is redemption possible. A very meaningful write, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 21-May-2014
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A very well written story, almost poetic with some of the imagery. Only through honesty and amends is redemption possible. A very meaningful write, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 21-May-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a creative approach to the beliefs you have. I think it was well done. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue - I think that would help the story. But very creative and an interesting read.
reply by the author on 15-May-2014
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This is a creative approach to the beliefs you have. I think it was well done. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue - I think that would help the story. But very creative and an interesting read.
Comment Written 14-May-2014
reply by the author on 15-May-2014
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Thank you. I agree that more dialogue would have helped.
Comment from lcmadsen
In seventh paragraph, no quote before "accept....Good description of the darkness in the cell and in Anthony's life. I'd tighten some of the sentences to reflect the youth of Anthony. Good response from Grandparent. I always think grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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In seventh paragraph, no quote before "accept....Good description of the darkness in the cell and in Anthony's life. I'd tighten some of the sentences to reflect the youth of Anthony. Good response from Grandparent. I always think grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you. I am always revising.