Two's Company
A Light look at a serious conflict22 total reviews
Comment from JudithMarie
Oh, what a twist at the end..I'm laughing. All kinds of scenarios went through my mind! I love the way you played with your reader. Sometimes when waiting for someone our minds go all over the place. The lesson you remind us of is: things are not always as bad as they seem. I enjoyed very much. Great for reading before going to bed after a long day. Thanks! JudithMarie
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2011
  |
Oh, what a twist at the end..I'm laughing. All kinds of scenarios went through my mind! I love the way you played with your reader. Sometimes when waiting for someone our minds go all over the place. The lesson you remind us of is: things are not always as bad as they seem. I enjoyed very much. Great for reading before going to bed after a long day. Thanks! JudithMarie
Comment Written 18-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2011
-
Thanks for the great review and kind comments. It was fun to get back into writing. Perhaps I can move forward even more in the days to come. -Judy
Comment from Katiesherrill
Oh I can relate! Lol this was nicely written. As I read I was thinking the worst had happened since he left on foot, although I still want to know where he has been for three days, I appreciate the light ending.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2011
|
Oh I can relate! Lol this was nicely written. As I read I was thinking the worst had happened since he left on foot, although I still want to know where he has been for three days, I appreciate the light ending.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2011
-
He was with his mama, where else? LOL Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment from Metal Head
Hi writer.
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep, so I'm wizzing through some of these entries till I feel tired. BTW, I'm not suggesting your story will do the trick.
Some thoughts which occurred as I read.
Maria found it rough to maneuver through one day without a flood of crying...You've told us her name, so she will do fine. Repeated use of a characters name becomes distracting. The same is true of Mark. As soon as we know his name, he etc is all we need. Later, substituting him for something like the man really stood out. Also, a flood of crying doesn't feel right. I know you're using up two of the words, but forcing them together unnaturally really stands out, and a reader would expect something like...constant crying...or...a flood of tears...
Writing flash fiction is a difficult thing to do. In places words could be trimmed. For example...Maria would give anything to relive those moments prior to his hasty departure...in the previous sentence you told us how he'd stormed out, so this could be...She would give anything to relive those moments...The same is true elsewhere in the story.
The last line I enjoyed. It brought a smile to my face, and satisfied a main component of FF, and that's to have a twist at the end.
Best of luck with the contest.
Regards
Michael D
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
 |
Hi writer.
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep, so I'm wizzing through some of these entries till I feel tired. BTW, I'm not suggesting your story will do the trick.
Some thoughts which occurred as I read.
Maria found it rough to maneuver through one day without a flood of crying...You've told us her name, so she will do fine. Repeated use of a characters name becomes distracting. The same is true of Mark. As soon as we know his name, he etc is all we need. Later, substituting him for something like the man really stood out. Also, a flood of crying doesn't feel right. I know you're using up two of the words, but forcing them together unnaturally really stands out, and a reader would expect something like...constant crying...or...a flood of tears...
Writing flash fiction is a difficult thing to do. In places words could be trimmed. For example...Maria would give anything to relive those moments prior to his hasty departure...in the previous sentence you told us how he'd stormed out, so this could be...She would give anything to relive those moments...The same is true elsewhere in the story.
The last line I enjoyed. It brought a smile to my face, and satisfied a main component of FF, and that's to have a twist at the end.
Best of luck with the contest.
Regards
Michael D
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thanks for reading. I hope you can sleep now.
Comment from Ann Smith
I like this short story because it has drama and pain and emotional depth which as a reader you think is going to end one way but wrong it goes in a totally different direction. In the sentence that ends and the young bride was frantic I don't think you need the last comma. Not sure. Good luck with the contest. ann
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
I like this short story because it has drama and pain and emotional depth which as a reader you think is going to end one way but wrong it goes in a totally different direction. In the sentence that ends and the young bride was frantic I don't think you need the last comma. Not sure. Good luck with the contest. ann
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thank you very much for this great review.
Comment from Malerie
"Does that mean Mom can come to visit?" Wow, I think that most women can totally relate to this line. This experience is what a lot of young brides go through. Husbands are sometimes "mama's boys" and their mothers do everything right. But when it comes to the wife's mother, oh boy, it is a totally different picture. He says "your mother is always here." You say, your mother is always telling me what to cook for your dinner or she brings a cooked dinner over to the house. Two is company; let the mothers be company for each other.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
 |
"Does that mean Mom can come to visit?" Wow, I think that most women can totally relate to this line. This experience is what a lot of young brides go through. Husbands are sometimes "mama's boys" and their mothers do everything right. But when it comes to the wife's mother, oh boy, it is a totally different picture. He says "your mother is always here." You say, your mother is always telling me what to cook for your dinner or she brings a cooked dinner over to the house. Two is company; let the mothers be company for each other.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
LOL, sounds like you can relate very well to my little story. Thanks for the wonderful rating and all the stars.
Comment from Belinda
Wow ... so he had taught her a lesson. He comes as 'a packet' with his mom! As a mother in law I feel pleased...:) This is interesting with a light humor.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
Wow ... so he had taught her a lesson. He comes as 'a packet' with his mom! As a mother in law I feel pleased...:) This is interesting with a light humor.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thanks for reading and for the nice comments.
Comment from bowls
What a great ending! You had me fooled into thinking something serious had happened all along and then you totally lighten the mood. Nicely done! I hope you won't mind a couple of suggestions. "She lost all hope" might be better as "she HAD lost all hope" since you're writing in the past and this has already taken place. "Two days ago" might be better as "two days before", once again, because the story as a whole is written in the past. I think it's a great story with a clever title.Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
What a great ending! You had me fooled into thinking something serious had happened all along and then you totally lighten the mood. Nicely done! I hope you won't mind a couple of suggestions. "She lost all hope" might be better as "she HAD lost all hope" since you're writing in the past and this has already taken place. "Two days ago" might be better as "two days before", once again, because the story as a whole is written in the past. I think it's a great story with a clever title.Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thank you very much for the wonderful review and the helpful comments. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Betty517
Looking deeply into her eyes he said, "Does that mean Mom can come to visit?"
This is an awesome read. You are a contender in this contest and I love the way you made it a fun read with such sad words. Great story.
Betty
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
Looking deeply into her eyes he said, "Does that mean Mom can come to visit?"
This is an awesome read. You are a contender in this contest and I love the way you made it a fun read with such sad words. Great story.
Betty
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thank you, Betty, for your kind comments and generous review.
Comment from Larrypic11
Great twist using the words provided. A suggestion would be to remove the repetition of the words "day" and "silly". The stick out in such a short piece and other words or phrasing can be easily substituted. Good luck in the contest. Larry Rework
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
Great twist using the words provided. A suggestion would be to remove the repetition of the words "day" and "silly". The stick out in such a short piece and other words or phrasing can be easily substituted. Good luck in the contest. Larry Rework
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thank you for the review and the suggestions. I will take another look, as I didn't realize I did this.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, a great job writing this story about the argument that got blown out of proportion, i enjoyed reading this. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
|
this is very well written, mystery writer, a great job writing this story about the argument that got blown out of proportion, i enjoyed reading this. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
-
Thank you very much for the review and kind comments.
