storm clouds
haiku about my love of storm clouds2 total reviews
Comment from Espresso momma
It is fun, not hard to do and it gets more fun if you add several stanzas to a haiku. Thanks for the fun, you are a pro now..Good job!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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It is fun, not hard to do and it gets more fun if you add several stanzas to a haiku. Thanks for the fun, you are a pro now..Good job!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thanks Expresso momma :)
God bless
baughmama
Comment from HAWordsmith
I see what you are trying to get at here, but this could be so much more. You are working with so little in haiku that you do not want to waste any of it with filler words like "I" and "the". The reader will already assume that you love the storm clouds because you are writing about them; so that whole first set of syllables can be dedicated to your clouds or the emotion they exact from you instead of just a bland statement "I love the clouds". I am also leary of your use of "tenebrious" in an adverb form as the close. You have already stated the clouds are dark, grey, and ashen in the previous line, so once again, you are losing syllables here by using a synonym for three of the words preceding, at the end. Take your time and rework this a little bit and before you know it, your storm clouds will be exploding off the page. ;) Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I see what you are trying to get at here, but this could be so much more. You are working with so little in haiku that you do not want to waste any of it with filler words like "I" and "the". The reader will already assume that you love the storm clouds because you are writing about them; so that whole first set of syllables can be dedicated to your clouds or the emotion they exact from you instead of just a bland statement "I love the clouds". I am also leary of your use of "tenebrious" in an adverb form as the close. You have already stated the clouds are dark, grey, and ashen in the previous line, so once again, you are losing syllables here by using a synonym for three of the words preceding, at the end. Take your time and rework this a little bit and before you know it, your storm clouds will be exploding off the page. ;) Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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thank you, HAWordsmith, I really appreciate your honesty and guidance. Very helpful :)
God bless,
baughmama
