Pappa's Memories and Ramblings
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Hitch Hiking Musician"Poems, Rants, Short Stories and Ramblings
5 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
You have a good storyline here, but it seems that something is missing. I understand the conversation between the musician and your dad, but what was it that the musician actually said that changed your dad? It must have been something more than you're telling here.
Your story also needs a great deal of editing, more than what I am pointing out below:
My father at this time was still struggling with his addition (addiction) to alcohol
As the young man climbed into the back seat of the Chevy Impala (we) were driving in, my father begin to somewhat
Whenever a different person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph:
"Well then, what kind of instrument and music do you play" my father asked the stranger? He answered "I play a few instruments but mostly the guitar", my father then pressed him about what type of music it was that he played. "I play various types of music but some people are not yet familiar with the lyrics and it is not so easy to classify and some people might not be ready for it" the hitch hiker responded.
the young man was only looking (at?) us individually during the road trip
I remember my father, Brother (brother) and I recalling the trip
seen and lived it along with my Father and Brother (father and brother).
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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You have a good storyline here, but it seems that something is missing. I understand the conversation between the musician and your dad, but what was it that the musician actually said that changed your dad? It must have been something more than you're telling here.
Your story also needs a great deal of editing, more than what I am pointing out below:
My father at this time was still struggling with his addition (addiction) to alcohol
As the young man climbed into the back seat of the Chevy Impala (we) were driving in, my father begin to somewhat
Whenever a different person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph:
"Well then, what kind of instrument and music do you play" my father asked the stranger? He answered "I play a few instruments but mostly the guitar", my father then pressed him about what type of music it was that he played. "I play various types of music but some people are not yet familiar with the lyrics and it is not so easy to classify and some people might not be ready for it" the hitch hiker responded.
the young man was only looking (at?) us individually during the road trip
I remember my father, Brother (brother) and I recalling the trip
seen and lived it along with my Father and Brother (father and brother).
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the review
Comment from NGem
I like your story, especially the outcome: a changed father. It needs work on the punctuation for instance - There were also some odd conversations of what my father did in his past so odd it appeared to me that my father had tears in his eyes by the end of this trip. This sentence needs a comma between past and so.
You may wan to quote a reference such as, "Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!" from the Bible, Hebrews 13:2.
Thanks for sharing your story!
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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I like your story, especially the outcome: a changed father. It needs work on the punctuation for instance - There were also some odd conversations of what my father did in his past so odd it appeared to me that my father had tears in his eyes by the end of this trip. This sentence needs a comma between past and so.
You may wan to quote a reference such as, "Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!" from the Bible, Hebrews 13:2.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the review
Comment from Permelia
I feel you had an incounter with an angel, and whether it was your Dad's or your own wuld be hard to say. You were lucky to experience this, as not many people ever see their gurdian angel. Here are a few crrections to make
addition to alcohol- spelling- should be addiction instead of addition
on ramp by- should have the word the before ramp
were driving in - we were driving in
play" - a question mark is placed inside of the quote marks - like this play?"
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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I feel you had an incounter with an angel, and whether it was your Dad's or your own wuld be hard to say. You were lucky to experience this, as not many people ever see their gurdian angel. Here are a few crrections to make
addition to alcohol- spelling- should be addiction instead of addition
on ramp by- should have the word the before ramp
were driving in - we were driving in
play" - a question mark is placed inside of the quote marks - like this play?"
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thank you will do
Comment from sushantmahat
Well, either this piece of writing is vague or I failed to grasp it. I don't understand how a musician who has just met someone change him completely. I am not implying that it is not possible but just pointing to the fact that this story fails to tell us the details. Also, there are some spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and poor sentence structure at different points.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Well, either this piece of writing is vague or I failed to grasp it. I don't understand how a musician who has just met someone change him completely. I am not implying that it is not possible but just pointing to the fact that this story fails to tell us the details. Also, there are some spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and poor sentence structure at different points.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thanks for your comment
Comment from barfy
Yeah, I thonk you were a lucky guy... great era too... Loved the Seventies...
A very handsome composition. Technically perfect.
I wish you well with this work.
Thank you
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Yeah, I thonk you were a lucky guy... great era too... Loved the Seventies...
A very handsome composition. Technically perfect.
I wish you well with this work.
Thank you
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the review and support.
