Keith & Brianna
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Keith's Secret"Blossoming romance
3 total reviews
Comment from smudge
I am not sure about "I could call her from the bathroom." I don't think it makes sense. Maybe is you lose "from the bathroom." I was not sure about the "uncontrollable tears" It does not seem quite right for a teenage boy unless seriously mentally messed up. Not a recent bereavement.
Also a car accident linked to being a good mechanic and drunk driving does not really make sense.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
I am not sure about "I could call her from the bathroom." I don't think it makes sense. Maybe is you lose "from the bathroom." I was not sure about the "uncontrollable tears" It does not seem quite right for a teenage boy unless seriously mentally messed up. Not a recent bereavement.
Also a car accident linked to being a good mechanic and drunk driving does not really make sense.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
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I made it up. It's creative thinking. So there are holes in the story. Maybe I gotta do some research. E for Effort. Thanks for reading.
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Gave you 5 because well made up. i don't think you need to do research Just tighten the dialogue up a bit. I think its good.
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Thanks! :)
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Your welcome. Looking forward to next chapter
Comment from sibhus
Your first sentence is passive, and could be punched up a bit. I looked tried to look/ might want to drop the looked. Other then those few things it looks like a a good start to your book.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
Your first sentence is passive, and could be punched up a bit. I looked tried to look/ might want to drop the looked. Other then those few things it looks like a a good start to your book.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
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You're nice. Thanks.
Comment from A.R. Primavera
Very nice. Well written and interesting. I enjoyed reading it. I do love the names you have chosen. Thank you for sharing it with us.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
Very nice. Well written and interesting. I enjoyed reading it. I do love the names you have chosen. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
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I found a site with popular baby names. Thanks for reading. You're nice!