Yes, Ma'am
A past memory, sad and broken.19 total reviews
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--An author's notes to better explain the situation of the poem would have been nice.
--The entire poem reads awkward.
Is the first line a question? It reads like one.
POV issue; who is speaking, and to whom? How many speakers/voices in the poem?
'Last I was in vain' might be better for the last line, depending on what you're trying to say.
With some explanation, my rating might increase.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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--An author's notes to better explain the situation of the poem would have been nice.
--The entire poem reads awkward.
Is the first line a question? It reads like one.
POV issue; who is speaking, and to whom? How many speakers/voices in the poem?
'Last I was in vain' might be better for the last line, depending on what you're trying to say.
With some explanation, my rating might increase.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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the poem is about a school-going kid; the first line ain't a question- the kid is reminiscing the last time he was in vain, which happens for the li'l kid to be a simple thursday---the poem has nothing like a story or a message- just a simple description- i appreciate you for asking more description rather than imagine somethin else of it by yourself- and yes the last line is nice- many other reiewers too have liked it--- thanks for your remarks and review.
Comment from Rose Hearth
Very interesting. Your rhyming 5-7-5 is tantalizing. I would like to see the rest of the story in a longer poem. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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Very interesting. Your rhyming 5-7-5 is tantalizing. I would like to see the rest of the story in a longer poem. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks Rose
Comment from lola29
For me, this is a bit abstract, and I'm not sure of your true intent, but I've superimposed my own imagination. I hope you don't mind.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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For me, this is a bit abstract, and I'm not sure of your true intent, but I've superimposed my own imagination. I hope you don't mind.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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not at all; i am glad it made you think- thanks for your review.
Comment from WilliamDeen
You really should get a photo to go with your poem. It really adds a lot to it.
Nice poem. Good form of 5-7-5. Thanks so much for sharing, Pamela
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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You really should get a photo to go with your poem. It really adds a lot to it.
Nice poem. Good form of 5-7-5. Thanks so much for sharing, Pamela
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks Pamela
Comment from Jennlynne
I admit, I had to read this a few times before I got it. Maybe I need more coffee today lol. Maybe I am off the mark, but this feels sad to me. The word choices get that across well. A picture might be a nice compliment.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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I admit, I had to read this a few times before I got it. Maybe I need more coffee today lol. Maybe I am off the mark, but this feels sad to me. The word choices get that across well. A picture might be a nice compliment.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks for your generous review
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very short and to the point. I am not sure what else to say. The review will be longer than the poem. It flowed smoothly and was easy to read.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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Very short and to the point. I am not sure what else to say. The review will be longer than the poem. It flowed smoothly and was easy to read.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks Barbara ma'am
Comment from God's Writer
A wonderful poem. It takes me back to childhood in the south. You said yes ma'am or yes sir to everyone older that addressed you. Thank you for the wonderful trip back in time.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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A wonderful poem. It takes me back to childhood in the south. You said yes ma'am or yes sir to everyone older that addressed you. Thank you for the wonderful trip back in time.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thank you sir
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Thank you Ma'am!
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well I'm not a lady; so stop calling me that, I'm a male teenager!!-lol
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I am sorry it won't happen again. However I was talking in the context of the poem. People paint there own pictures of what they read in your poetry. Everybody sees different things from different times. Please forgive me for not checking your profile page ans seeing that you were a teen age male. Peace.
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I am sorry it won't happen again. However I was talking in the context of the poem. People paint there own pictures of what they read in your poetry. Everybody sees different things from different times. Please forgive me for not checking your profile page ans seeing that you were a teen age male. Peace.
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I am sorry it won't happen again. However I was talking in the context of the poem. People paint there own pictures of what they read in your poetry. Everybody sees different things from different times. Please forgive me for not checking your profile page ans seeing that you were a teen age male. Peace.
Comment from bluerose675
Hi,
I like your poem although I'm not too sure what the last line means. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
Norma :)
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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Hi,
I like your poem although I'm not too sure what the last line means. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
Norma :)
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks Norma
Comment from misscookie
This poem truly touch my heart
and the ,movement though it was swift.
The word had such depth . I had to read it ttwkice.for I have been in that Thursday place. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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This poem truly touch my heart
and the ,movement though it was swift.
The word had such depth . I had to read it ttwkice.for I have been in that Thursday place. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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thanks misscookie!
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You are very welcome.
Comment from miss joyce
"Thursday's child is full of woe."
The above quote came to mind.
The 5/7/5 is the most difficult to review
sometimes. This for me holds and element
of sadness for in the last line you write:
'Last was I in vain'
Perhaps the last child born in the family?
You are within the confines of syllable count
and there is a message here. This reviewer is
not certain of it.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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"Thursday's child is full of woe."
The above quote came to mind.
The 5/7/5 is the most difficult to review
sometimes. This for me holds and element
of sadness for in the last line you write:
'Last was I in vain'
Perhaps the last child born in the family?
You are within the confines of syllable count
and there is a message here. This reviewer is
not certain of it.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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how do you know i am the last child born in my family!?!
wow, i m impressed miss joyce-- and thanks for reviewing.
PS- must be a wild guess, was it?
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Yes, it was strictly my guess
that, that is where you were
headed with this. I am amazed that
it was right. This was deep and
could have gone in another direction. I chose the right one. Imagine that!
It was a pleasure to write a review for...
