The Swan will Dance Again
A contest entry.20 total reviews
Comment from chita
You have a good flow with your story and it comes across to me as if it were non-fiction-I like the storyline where the mother cannot walk or dance anymore but the daughter continues to dance when she can with the same shoes-- a well penned story--great job.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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You have a good flow with your story and it comes across to me as if it were non-fiction-I like the storyline where the mother cannot walk or dance anymore but the daughter continues to dance when she can with the same shoes-- a well penned story--great job.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your comments and the many stars.
Comment from heyjude
mystery author, I think you did a good job of crafting
this story for the pink shoes writing prompt entry. It's
a sad story, but at least the girl did not lose her dream.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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mystery author, I think you did a good job of crafting
this story for the pink shoes writing prompt entry. It's
a sad story, but at least the girl did not lose her dream.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from denhagan
This was a very interesting and well-written short story, but it was supposed to be about a young girl's obsession with pink shoes, and I felt like too much time was spent on the mother. I enjoyed reading the story, though.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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This was a very interesting and well-written short story, but it was supposed to be about a young girl's obsession with pink shoes, and I felt like too much time was spent on the mother. I enjoyed reading the story, though.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.
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You're very welcome. ~denhagan
Comment from Carolyn 12
I enjoyed this story line veyr much..I have seen dancers get cranky and mean when what they love they can no lonnger do..Good for Clarice..
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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I enjoyed this story line veyr much..I have seen dancers get cranky and mean when what they love they can no lonnger do..Good for Clarice..
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. i appreciate the many stars.
Comment from stanishmichelle
This was sad to read. After having perfect rehearsals, tragedy occurs on opening night. Clarice's mother became embittered and discouraged her daughter. This was wrong of her. I like how the story played out and thought the ending was great, as Clarice decides to continue in her mother's former career choice. This is nicely written and interesting to read. All the best.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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This was sad to read. After having perfect rehearsals, tragedy occurs on opening night. Clarice's mother became embittered and discouraged her daughter. This was wrong of her. I like how the story played out and thought the ending was great, as Clarice decides to continue in her mother's former career choice. This is nicely written and interesting to read. All the best.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Bayberry
This is a story with a lot of emotion. I especially like the determination shown at the end.
Your writing just needs to be tightened up a bit. I'll be glad to review it again if you want to work on it some more. Just send me a message. Here's some examples of what I mean:
Re: The pale pink dancing shoes hung on the ten penny nail in the back of the closet. The same shoes that Clarice's mother had given to her on that fateful night.
(A suggestion to consider:
The pink dancing shoes hung on a ten penny nail in the back of the closet...the same shoes Clarice's mother gave her on that fateful night.)
Re: In her dressing room, before the performance, she took her daughter's face into her hands.
"It is your turn, my darling."
(Suggestion to consider:
In her dressing room, before the performance, her hands gently lifted her daughter's face.
"It's your turn, my darling."
-- be aware of what imagery you're presenting to the reader. The way it's written, literally, the mother has taken off her daughter's face and is holding it in her hands. Also, contractions sometimes bring more reality to the dialogue.)
Re:
Clarice took them to the guest room closet and hung them on a hidden ten penny nail.
(Sugestion to consider:
Clarice took them to the guest room closet, hanging them in back on the hidden ten penny nail. -- since the nail is the same one referenced in the opening paragraph using 'the nail' at this final point is more appropriate than using the generalized 'a nail'.)
I think you have a good storyline going and encourage you to continue with your writing. The ability to deliver 'emotion' is a great talent. Best wishes, Josie
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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This is a story with a lot of emotion. I especially like the determination shown at the end.
Your writing just needs to be tightened up a bit. I'll be glad to review it again if you want to work on it some more. Just send me a message. Here's some examples of what I mean:
Re: The pale pink dancing shoes hung on the ten penny nail in the back of the closet. The same shoes that Clarice's mother had given to her on that fateful night.
(A suggestion to consider:
The pink dancing shoes hung on a ten penny nail in the back of the closet...the same shoes Clarice's mother gave her on that fateful night.)
Re: In her dressing room, before the performance, she took her daughter's face into her hands.
"It is your turn, my darling."
(Suggestion to consider:
In her dressing room, before the performance, her hands gently lifted her daughter's face.
"It's your turn, my darling."
-- be aware of what imagery you're presenting to the reader. The way it's written, literally, the mother has taken off her daughter's face and is holding it in her hands. Also, contractions sometimes bring more reality to the dialogue.)
Re:
Clarice took them to the guest room closet and hung them on a hidden ten penny nail.
(Sugestion to consider:
Clarice took them to the guest room closet, hanging them in back on the hidden ten penny nail. -- since the nail is the same one referenced in the opening paragraph using 'the nail' at this final point is more appropriate than using the generalized 'a nail'.)
I think you have a good storyline going and encourage you to continue with your writing. The ability to deliver 'emotion' is a great talent. Best wishes, Josie
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate your editing points to improve my writing.
Comment from Cooper Watt
Solid piece of writing. Not entirely light, though, eh? I got the impression from the prompt that the story was supposed to be crazy and kind of funny. Your story, although very good and well written, doesn't entirely fit the spirit of the writing prompt. Perhaps that wasn't your goal. You were simply inspired by the prompt and took your own tack. I have nothing critical to say about grammar or structure. It's a well written piece, and I wish you luck with it. Sincerely.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Solid piece of writing. Not entirely light, though, eh? I got the impression from the prompt that the story was supposed to be crazy and kind of funny. Your story, although very good and well written, doesn't entirely fit the spirit of the writing prompt. Perhaps that wasn't your goal. You were simply inspired by the prompt and took your own tack. I have nothing critical to say about grammar or structure. It's a well written piece, and I wish you luck with it. Sincerely.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. You are the third person who said i missed the prompt, so maybe I did. I was focusing on the obsession piece. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from Pen of Fire
Wonderful story and so well written. This is the beginning of a good book. Think about it. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Wonderful story and so well written. This is the beginning of a good book. Think about it. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from psalmist
A tragic story. My heart went out to the little girl who "lost" her mother. Although the pink shoes were mentioned several times, I felt that her obsession was more with ballet than shoes, but that may just be my perception. Also, I might make a couple of suggestions:
Clarice could remember as if it were yesterday(:) she joined her nanny, Mrs. McNally, as the theatre lights dimmed.
8th paragraph down a spelling beautiful, the "ul" was accidentally omitted.
Otherwise, this was a sad and tragic tale, beautifully written that really tugged at my heart. Good luck to you.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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A tragic story. My heart went out to the little girl who "lost" her mother. Although the pink shoes were mentioned several times, I felt that her obsession was more with ballet than shoes, but that may just be my perception. Also, I might make a couple of suggestions:
Clarice could remember as if it were yesterday(:) she joined her nanny, Mrs. McNally, as the theatre lights dimmed.
8th paragraph down a spelling beautiful, the "ul" was accidentally omitted.
Otherwise, this was a sad and tragic tale, beautifully written that really tugged at my heart. Good luck to you.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for readig and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from CHICANOSGURL
What a bittersweet story. This kept my interest at a high peak to the very ending, which is one, if not the most important factor in writing. In fact while reading, I had predicted the wrong ending. I thought that the girls mother would end up dying that fateful night but she didn't she became bitter. This story was well thought and categorized.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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What a bittersweet story. This kept my interest at a high peak to the very ending, which is one, if not the most important factor in writing. In fact while reading, I had predicted the wrong ending. I thought that the girls mother would end up dying that fateful night but she didn't she became bitter. This story was well thought and categorized.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks for ewading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.
