The War
The war is destructive , not way to the peace6 total reviews
Comment from BarnCat
Ares -- since this poem calls for a syllable count rather than a haiku per se, I won't speak directly to the use of "empty" words like "the" (which is used three times). I like the imagery very much and your choice to turn blood to water creates many images in one's mind: both are life sustaining, but in your poem each represents death with the blood of the dying and in the falling petals of the rose. You pack very big ideas into your poem. D
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Ares -- since this poem calls for a syllable count rather than a haiku per se, I won't speak directly to the use of "empty" words like "the" (which is used three times). I like the imagery very much and your choice to turn blood to water creates many images in one's mind: both are life sustaining, but in your poem each represents death with the blood of the dying and in the falling petals of the rose. You pack very big ideas into your poem. D
Comment Written 13-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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thanks very much
Comment from juliaSjames
Second Review
The syllable count is now correct.
*****
This is a very powerful short poem, Ares. The metaphor is stark and terrible as you write of the land running red with blood, destroying the pure plant of peace - symbolized by the wilting white rose. The horror and brutality of human conflict.
Please note that your third line is 6 syllables as you have written it. But that's an easy fix. You can say, "white petals falling" or "its white petals fall"
One suggestion for enhancing the effect of the opening line would be to write, "Blood spilled on the land"
Please let me know when you have adjusted the syllable count in line three so that I can change the rating for this poem.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Second Review
The syllable count is now correct.
*****
This is a very powerful short poem, Ares. The metaphor is stark and terrible as you write of the land running red with blood, destroying the pure plant of peace - symbolized by the wilting white rose. The horror and brutality of human conflict.
Please note that your third line is 6 syllables as you have written it. But that's an easy fix. You can say, "white petals falling" or "its white petals fall"
One suggestion for enhancing the effect of the opening line would be to write, "Blood spilled on the land"
Please let me know when you have adjusted the syllable count in line three so that I can change the rating for this poem.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thanks very much to your criticism. I like that so much. You have distinctive eyes.
Regarding the syllables, I checked the dictionary at the moment of writing this haiku. The word seems to have two syllables. Bu in the dictionary, the phonological transcription to the word indicates that the word has ONE syllable. Please, look up the word in LCDE( Longman dictionary).
concerning the stylistics, " spill on" means that " if you spill a liquid, or if it spills, it ACCIDENTALY flows over the edge of a container" ( from dictionary).
The wars crimes are not accident.
Ares
PLEASE believe me when I say that the word "petals" containa 2 syllables. Just say it aloud - pe (first syllable) and tals (second syllable). My first university degree was in English Literature. My husband is a retired college professor. I implore you, please amend that line so that your poem will qualify for the contest.
I agree with the definition you found of "spilled". But when used in association with blood - to spill blood, it takes a rhetorical turn to mean "to shed blood in violence" which accords with the meaning of your poem. Check your dictionary again.
I now see that the "white petals" refers to innocent lives that fall victim to the horror of war.
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Okay. I will take your advice. Actually, I study English literature in the university. Tomorrow, Thursday, will be my American Literature exam. I am very nervous. Emily Dickenson and Whitman make me mad with their enigmatic poetry.
I checked the American dictionaries. I found that what you had said is true. But the British dictionaries tell another transcription.
I have no time to think critically now, so I will accept your review. I hope that I will win.
I need 100$ so, so much.
Bye.
Ps: I am very please to talk with the skilful poet like you.
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I choosed " its white petals fall" what do you think?
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This is a very good choice, I'm going to upgrade your rating, now that the syllable count is correct.
Best of luck in the contest. And I hope you do well in the examination. Remember to take five deep, deep breaths whenever you feel nervous. I said a little prayer for you. peace and blessings, julia
Comment from findingmyroom
This piece conveys a powerful image of blood being unable to sustain life... One small suggestion would be to eliminate the first "The" and perhaps replace it with "cold." Just my two cents :)
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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This piece conveys a powerful image of blood being unable to sustain life... One small suggestion would be to eliminate the first "The" and perhaps replace it with "cold." Just my two cents :)
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks so much for you critical review. I will think of your suggestion.
Comment from adewpearl
Your final line in this 5/7/5 poem has 6 syllables :
its/white/pet/als/fall/ing - other than that, your poem is in good form for the contest - as a poem, I couldn't care less that it has that sixth syllable - I just know that the contest committee won't consider a poem not adhering to the syllable count.
Your image of the blood of war turning the water to the color of a red rose is compelling and reminds me very much of accounts of D day where the water surrounding the landing boats turned red with blood. Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Your final line in this 5/7/5 poem has 6 syllables :
its/white/pet/als/fall/ing - other than that, your poem is in good form for the contest - as a poem, I couldn't care less that it has that sixth syllable - I just know that the contest committee won't consider a poem not adhering to the syllable count.
Your image of the blood of war turning the water to the color of a red rose is compelling and reminds me very much of accounts of D day where the water surrounding the landing boats turned red with blood. Brooke
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Hi,
Thanks very much. Please, look up " petal" in the dictionary. If you do, you will find that the transcription is /petl/ not as you think /petÓ?l/ .
The form of my poem is well-rhythmed form
Comment from Espresso momma
This is clearly a visiable poem. No photo needed at all. Well said. Thank you, it is a sad reminder of what war is and how it only leads to death.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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This is clearly a visiable poem. No photo needed at all. Well said. Thank you, it is a sad reminder of what war is and how it only leads to death.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks. But the meaning is deeper than what you have said. This is the imagism of the poetry lead by Willam Carlos Williams. Not any one can undersatnd this type of poetry. If the reader does not get the meaning quickly, he will make up his mind to choose one star. Why? Because the poem does not mention the meaning directly
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Comment from CHICANOSGURL
I dont quite get the true meaning of this poem. Usually when written like this, a poem has deep centered thoughts, making a way for the author to express themselves in a unique way. Therefore we are called Poets. One of my little twisted quotes are Poetry.....is in the "Mind" of the Beholder.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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I dont quite get the true meaning of this poem. Usually when written like this, a poem has deep centered thoughts, making a way for the author to express themselves in a unique way. Therefore we are called Poets. One of my little twisted quotes are Poetry.....is in the "Mind" of the Beholder.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2011
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Thanks
But you will never get the true meaning of my poem. This is the well-crafted poetry.
This is the way how the poets behave skillfully. Otherwise, every idiot one, in the street, will be a poet.
If the reader does not get the meaning quickly, he will make up his mind to choose one star. Why? Because the poem does not mention the meaning directly
I hope that you will change the rating at least
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Oh no, you've certainly misunderstood me, underestimate my intelligence or both. Whichever it may be, I'd like to assure you. I read your poem over 3 times. So first of all I rated you 3 stars. not just 1 and if you really feel it necessary for me to change my rating. it could be done..But I really dont think it would satsfy the mind, knowing that I dont believe it EARNED 5 stars. Sorry to not understand your poem. But Im merely giving my opinion of this particular one. You may have others Id simply fall in love with. But try and keep in mind, there will be plenty of constructive criticism in life. So loosen up.
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I f you do not get the meaning of my poem, please don't rate it down the road.
