Toby
Picture inspired story of victims of poverty.39 total reviews
Comment from Des Beirne
The writing is wonderful.
I find the story quite disturbing, very stereotypical, perhaps it's my lack of understanding of USA recent history.
A very difficult read for me as I come from a multi racial family.
I love your style of writing, but I can't say I like the story. Sorry.
Des
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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The writing is wonderful.
I find the story quite disturbing, very stereotypical, perhaps it's my lack of understanding of USA recent history.
A very difficult read for me as I come from a multi racial family.
I love your style of writing, but I can't say I like the story. Sorry.
Des
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Des, I grew up in the South in the fifties and this was typical fof the times. It would have described most black families of that time period and was not unusual for black mothers (ususlly single parent) to hold down a minimum wage job and have another lady keep their children for a dollar or two a day. I think most blacks are now more educated and more on par with the general population. I'm sorry if you found the story disturbing but those were disturbing times. Thank you so much for the rating and for the lovely comments about the style of writing. Beth
Comment from adewpearl
he thinks the buggaman might be more pleasant that Miss Berta Mae - that line set me off laughing SO much :-)
You get inside this little boy's head extremely well as he longs for a life where he can have chicken and ice cream every day and maybe get to drive a big yellow bus.
The dialect is well written and your characters well-drawn. I love his child-like reasoning for pulling up those tomatoes. Brooke
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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he thinks the buggaman might be more pleasant that Miss Berta Mae - that line set me off laughing SO much :-)
You get inside this little boy's head extremely well as he longs for a life where he can have chicken and ice cream every day and maybe get to drive a big yellow bus.
The dialect is well written and your characters well-drawn. I love his child-like reasoning for pulling up those tomatoes. Brooke
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Thank you Brooke, I really appreciate your nice comments.
Beth
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, miss beth, a great job writing this story based on a picture, it is thought provoking and poignant, a great assignment you wrote here. i enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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this is very well written, miss beth, a great job writing this story based on a picture, it is thought provoking and poignant, a great assignment you wrote here. i enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the review and for the nice comments.
Beth
Comment from KiwiGal
Great little story! Probably was played out in many households. You've caught the tone and mood of that time if, as a New Zealander, I can be so qualified to comment - at least, from what I've read.
Your writing is always very clear and flowing. There is just one little thing: I think you mean EVER since that day (no Y at the end) - 3rd-to-last paragraph.
Otherwise, it's perfick.
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Great little story! Probably was played out in many households. You've caught the tone and mood of that time if, as a New Zealander, I can be so qualified to comment - at least, from what I've read.
Your writing is always very clear and flowing. There is just one little thing: I think you mean EVER since that day (no Y at the end) - 3rd-to-last paragraph.
Otherwise, it's perfick.
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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I'm so glad you enjoyed the story and I appreciate you catching the spag. Some have told me, things haven't changed that much today but I had hoped they had improved over the years, at least the poor grammar. Thank for the rating and comments.
Beth
Comment from Helen Tan
I enjoyed your portrayal of Miss Berta Mae. Somehow I imagine her as a billowing lady with rollers in her hair - a real tough cookie. Good use of the picture to write this story.
Toby thought that if he did the weeding
Suggest deleting "that".
She snatched him up and spanked his behind
Period required after this line.
Toby isn't sure but what the buggaman might be more pleasant than Miss Berta Mae,
I'm not sure about "but what", maybe it's the way of speech but I keep thinking this should read as - Toby isn't sure whether the buggaman might be more pleasant than Miss Berta Mae,
every meal. and if he ever
..And ..
Capital letter required after period.
if he ever has any little boys, they won't have go off and stay with Miss Berta Mae while their mama works.
Yup, if I were him, that's exactly what I would think too.
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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I enjoyed your portrayal of Miss Berta Mae. Somehow I imagine her as a billowing lady with rollers in her hair - a real tough cookie. Good use of the picture to write this story.
Toby thought that if he did the weeding
Suggest deleting "that".
She snatched him up and spanked his behind
Period required after this line.
Toby isn't sure but what the buggaman might be more pleasant than Miss Berta Mae,
I'm not sure about "but what", maybe it's the way of speech but I keep thinking this should read as - Toby isn't sure whether the buggaman might be more pleasant than Miss Berta Mae,
every meal. and if he ever
..And ..
Capital letter required after period.
if he ever has any little boys, they won't have go off and stay with Miss Berta Mae while their mama works.
Yup, if I were him, that's exactly what I would think too.
Comment Written 08-May-2011
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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Thank you Helen. You have an eagle eye for catching spags and you also make excellent suggestions so I always appreciate you reading my work.
Comment from WRITER1
I love the speech you have incorporated into this piece. I can just hear the little guy saying all this stuff. I hope he gets his wish and all the ice cream and chicken he can handle.
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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I love the speech you have incorporated into this piece. I can just hear the little guy saying all this stuff. I hope he gets his wish and all the ice cream and chicken he can handle.
Comment Written 08-May-2011
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the review and nice comments. I'm glad you thought the dialogue sounded natural.
Beth
Comment from Janie King
This is nicely done and unfortunately the plot of white and black children today with the economy being as it is. You have a very good command off word usage which allows your reader the ability to easily visualize what you are sharing. The picture of the little boy is sweet and has that forlorn look that makes the picture perfect for the story. God bless.
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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This is nicely done and unfortunately the plot of white and black children today with the economy being as it is. You have a very good command off word usage which allows your reader the ability to easily visualize what you are sharing. The picture of the little boy is sweet and has that forlorn look that makes the picture perfect for the story. God bless.
Comment Written 08-May-2011
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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Thank you Janie. I appreciate the review and insightful comments. I'm glad you found the dialogue to seem natural enough.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I know this is a fiction short story, but it tell the life of some of the children in my first grade class. You did a great job of describing this life style.
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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I know this is a fiction short story, but it tell the life of some of the children in my first grade class. You did a great job of describing this life style.
Comment Written 08-May-2011
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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That you Barbara. It is heartbreaking to know that there are children who much actually live like this. I appreciate the review and nice comments.
Comment from mumsyone
This is a good story, inspired by a picture. The dialect is good and sounds natural.
don't pay me enough to put (up) wit ya'll fightin' yanks him and his brother's (brothers) out of bed
than Miss Berta Mae. (,) but nevertheless,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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This is a good story, inspired by a picture. The dialect is good and sounds natural.
don't pay me enough to put (up) wit ya'll fightin' yanks him and his brother's (brothers) out of bed
than Miss Berta Mae. (,) but nevertheless,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2011
reply by the author on 08-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the review and nice comments and especially thanks for catching my spags. I'm glad you found the dialogue to sound natural.
Beth
