Essay on Goals
We must imagine everything we do before we can do48 total reviews
Comment from Narvik
Very informative, thorough, and comprehensive writing, Cog.
First, the minor things:
Sometime (should be two words here)
Typos:
Goal are prioritized by value (goals)
upon these news (this?)
You capitalize many words that don't need it. I know you do it for effect, but if you capitalize too many, it sort of dilutes the most important ones.
The only thing I don't like about your writing it that I believe you use too many 'clutter' words that just interfere with the direct sense of your sentences.
~ Here is an example to clear out three clutter words from one sentence: You wrote "It is only when they realize that it is the greater spiritual values that provide real success that they eventually reach it." -- Three 'that's' in one sentence is a lot. 'It is' (wich you use twice) and the first 'that' only get in the way. You can eliminate them and change the third 'that' to 'do'. i.e., "Only when they realize the greater spiritual values provide real success do they eventually reach it." Try saying the original and then revised sentences out loud and see what you think.)
~ in our programming of it. (I'd eliminate both 'our' and 'of' to make it more concise.
~ at a motivational talk and his relating how (don't need 'and his')
~ It illustrates these thoughts to a very high degree for me. (I'd drop the 'for me'. It looks a little apologetic and 'tacked on')
~ If we attach all other goals to this Peace, they will all be achieved (second 'all' is redundant. You don't need it)
~ I'd use the "find" function on your browser to find all your 'that's' and eliminate the ones you don't need.
Those were just a few examples. I'm sure you could find several more places you could make your sentences more streamlined. More concise. Anyway, what I tell people about streamlining words is that it's like pruning a tree. A very nice tree can be overgrown with clutter that intereferes with the tree's beauty. Of course, you don't want to prune it down so far that it makes the tree look bare. But Pruning the clutter from your sentences down to just the right place will really bring your writing up to the next level. You're a very ambitious writer and there's a very nice tree underneath all of this. We just need to see it more clearly.
I'll make you a deal. Cog. If you eliminate at least 20 unecessary words, I'll gladly re-review if you'd like. Not just eliminating them for the sake of it, but eliminating them in a way it will streamline and smoothen the wording into a clearer form.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
   |
Very informative, thorough, and comprehensive writing, Cog.
First, the minor things:
Sometime (should be two words here)
Typos:
Goal are prioritized by value (goals)
upon these news (this?)
You capitalize many words that don't need it. I know you do it for effect, but if you capitalize too many, it sort of dilutes the most important ones.
The only thing I don't like about your writing it that I believe you use too many 'clutter' words that just interfere with the direct sense of your sentences.
~ Here is an example to clear out three clutter words from one sentence: You wrote "It is only when they realize that it is the greater spiritual values that provide real success that they eventually reach it." -- Three 'that's' in one sentence is a lot. 'It is' (wich you use twice) and the first 'that' only get in the way. You can eliminate them and change the third 'that' to 'do'. i.e., "Only when they realize the greater spiritual values provide real success do they eventually reach it." Try saying the original and then revised sentences out loud and see what you think.)
~ in our programming of it. (I'd eliminate both 'our' and 'of' to make it more concise.
~ at a motivational talk and his relating how (don't need 'and his')
~ It illustrates these thoughts to a very high degree for me. (I'd drop the 'for me'. It looks a little apologetic and 'tacked on')
~ If we attach all other goals to this Peace, they will all be achieved (second 'all' is redundant. You don't need it)
~ I'd use the "find" function on your browser to find all your 'that's' and eliminate the ones you don't need.
Those were just a few examples. I'm sure you could find several more places you could make your sentences more streamlined. More concise. Anyway, what I tell people about streamlining words is that it's like pruning a tree. A very nice tree can be overgrown with clutter that intereferes with the tree's beauty. Of course, you don't want to prune it down so far that it makes the tree look bare. But Pruning the clutter from your sentences down to just the right place will really bring your writing up to the next level. You're a very ambitious writer and there's a very nice tree underneath all of this. We just need to see it more clearly.
I'll make you a deal. Cog. If you eliminate at least 20 unecessary words, I'll gladly re-review if you'd like. Not just eliminating them for the sake of it, but eliminating them in a way it will streamline and smoothen the wording into a clearer form.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
Deal. The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from Espresso momma
I cannot say I completely agree on all points of your essay, but do agree very much that we must have peace of mind in every aspect of life to achieve our goals on any level. Thanks.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
I cannot say I completely agree on all points of your essay, but do agree very much that we must have peace of mind in every aspect of life to achieve our goals on any level. Thanks.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, long enough to get your point across but short enough and exciting enough to keep the focus of the reader, adding the story about groundhog's day came in at the perfect time.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
this is very well written, long enough to get your point across but short enough and exciting enough to keep the focus of the reader, adding the story about groundhog's day came in at the perfect time.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from dinoscribe
I like the message and sentiment throughout this piece, and the fact that you have given some good examples. I do think that in reality however that in the day to day life it would be a little more difficult to apply, worth the effort but that it would take a whole lot longer to achieve.
All in all though a very good and well reasoned essay. :)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
I like the message and sentiment throughout this piece, and the fact that you have given some good examples. I do think that in reality however that in the day to day life it would be a little more difficult to apply, worth the effort but that it would take a whole lot longer to achieve.
All in all though a very good and well reasoned essay. :)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from N.K. Wagner
An excellent theory when applied to business success and advancement. Far more difficult in one's private life, where the wellbeing of others usually takes precidence and easily becomes the only goal in practical application. Well written, but narrowly applied. :) nancy
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
An excellent theory when applied to business success and advancement. Far more difficult in one's private life, where the wellbeing of others usually takes precidence and easily becomes the only goal in practical application. Well written, but narrowly applied. :) nancy
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from c_lucas
I was surprised when you did not mention Brian Tracy in your essay on goals. This novel is for the novice to help him in his transition to being a layman. Very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
I was surprised when you did not mention Brian Tracy in your essay on goals. This novel is for the novice to help him in his transition to being a layman. Very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
I am unaware of Brian Tracy. I will check him out. Thanks...John
-
You're welcome. His book is entitled, "Goals." Charlie
Comment from juliaSjames
There is a lot of information packed into this essay. So much that I'm going to bookcase it so that I can absorb it at leisure.
This is important information. But I wonder if you're up for some editing?
Here are my suggestions:
You need to condense the description of Groundhog Day. As written, while interesting, it is too lengthy. Readers who wish detail can be directed to the website.
I advise you to be clear in your references, especially when you refer to univeral laws. In the paragraph starting with "Dr. Wayne Dyer's Law of Intention ... " you need to indicate which books/texts can be used to gain understanding of the four Laws. Are they all explained in the Dyer book? If not, quote an authority (ies).
I also think that you should consider the construction of this piece. You start with career oriented goals. But then you proceed to locate these within the overarching spiritual goals that influence right living. Where is the turn? Is it emphatic enough? Will it be clear to those who do not share your metaphysical training?
Finally, I suggest that you seek to link your conclusion to GAP with which you begin this essay. It's not clear to me if your final words are in fact part of GAP.
I hope these points are helpful. Please feel free to use or discard as you see fit.
And, of course, best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
There is a lot of information packed into this essay. So much that I'm going to bookcase it so that I can absorb it at leisure.
This is important information. But I wonder if you're up for some editing?
Here are my suggestions:
You need to condense the description of Groundhog Day. As written, while interesting, it is too lengthy. Readers who wish detail can be directed to the website.
I advise you to be clear in your references, especially when you refer to univeral laws. In the paragraph starting with "Dr. Wayne Dyer's Law of Intention ... " you need to indicate which books/texts can be used to gain understanding of the four Laws. Are they all explained in the Dyer book? If not, quote an authority (ies).
I also think that you should consider the construction of this piece. You start with career oriented goals. But then you proceed to locate these within the overarching spiritual goals that influence right living. Where is the turn? Is it emphatic enough? Will it be clear to those who do not share your metaphysical training?
Finally, I suggest that you seek to link your conclusion to GAP with which you begin this essay. It's not clear to me if your final words are in fact part of GAP.
I hope these points are helpful. Please feel free to use or discard as you see fit.
And, of course, best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The replies and comments I have received have been undeniably the best experience yet. I am trying so hard to pay more attention to my delivery and still my ego blather sneaks in. Thank you so much for the very valuable input...John
Comment from Deejharrington
You have written a very enlightening and valuable essay. I now understand why I was so miserable after I retired from teaching, something I had dreamed of doing for a while. But I was without any goals, I didn't know who I was any more. But by re-setting my goals to peace and happiness, by means of being the best writer I am capable of being and eventually being published, I found I know who I am and what I want. I agree, so many people see wealth as their goal. But that may or may not be an after affect of achieving a real goal. The important ones are of the mind and peace with the world around you.
Thank you for writing a very informative and interesting piece.
deb
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
You have written a very enlightening and valuable essay. I now understand why I was so miserable after I retired from teaching, something I had dreamed of doing for a while. But I was without any goals, I didn't know who I was any more. But by re-setting my goals to peace and happiness, by means of being the best writer I am capable of being and eventually being published, I found I know who I am and what I want. I agree, so many people see wealth as their goal. But that may or may not be an after affect of achieving a real goal. The important ones are of the mind and peace with the world around you.
Thank you for writing a very informative and interesting piece.
deb
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The Groundhog Day repeating itself is just a metaphor to me for our own day - every day. Thanks...John
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Cogitator,
You have good writing ability and it comes through your essays. You have made some interesting points here. I think life would be such a bore without goals which we should set if we are going to achieve anything in this transient life. Well done, chey
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
Hi Cogitator,
You have good writing ability and it comes through your essays. You have made some interesting points here. I think life would be such a bore without goals which we should set if we are going to achieve anything in this transient life. Well done, chey
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The Groundhog Day repeating itself is just a metaphor to me for our own day - every day. Thanks...John
Comment from taravan
well written and this leaves with the reader a profound feeling of how easy it should be. Your last two sentences wrap up your thesis nicely and make it all very clear.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
|
well written and this leaves with the reader a profound feeling of how easy it should be. Your last two sentences wrap up your thesis nicely and make it all very clear.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2011
-
The Groundhog Day repeating itself is just a metaphor to me for our own day - every day. Thanks...John
