A Tale of Lillian Grace Revised
A children's Picture Book22 total reviews
Comment from ladybird
You've made a good job of the revision. As I said in my previous review,this is a good childrens story. Children will love it. It has a monster, but a good, kind one.I'm pleased you have decided to get your book published, and I hope it does well for you.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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You've made a good job of the revision. As I said in my previous review,this is a good childrens story. Children will love it. It has a monster, but a good, kind one.I'm pleased you have decided to get your book published, and I hope it does well for you.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your editing help and the many stars.
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You're welcome, eliz.
Comment from Connie P
I really enjoyed reading this, it's extremely well done. The childrens book field can be very lucrative and maybe easier to break into than adult fiction.
Note:*She lived in the country with her mommy and daddy. On this particular day her mommy told her,*(I don't think you need this comma) to go and play.
Connie
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I really enjoyed reading this, it's extremely well done. The childrens book field can be very lucrative and maybe easier to break into than adult fiction.
Note:*She lived in the country with her mommy and daddy. On this particular day her mommy told her,*(I don't think you need this comma) to go and play.
Connie
Comment Written 09-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from Haggard
Yeah, I mean, I'm 18 and party, so I don't know if this would be my style of book ! :P but I'd totally give it to my future son. There was a lot of grand imagery that a kid would appreciate in this book, but yeah, predictable. Best of luck with the publishings of it.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Yeah, I mean, I'm 18 and party, so I don't know if this would be my style of book ! :P but I'd totally give it to my future son. There was a lot of grand imagery that a kid would appreciate in this book, but yeah, predictable. Best of luck with the publishings of it.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from lindafoldy
What an enchanting story! I really enjoyed this. I don't see any need to edit this. This is very entertaining. Children will like it. I sure did.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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What an enchanting story! I really enjoyed this. I don't see any need to edit this. This is very entertaining. Children will like it. I sure did.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from Veekz
Very charming childrens story, I love the idea of her being transported to this fabulous place on the back of a dragon and I'm in no doubt kids will like it too :)
Few fix up's:
On this particular day her mommy told her, to go and play.
-comma not needed and I'd look at combining the two sentences i.e.
She lived in the country with her mommy and daddy and on this particular day her mommy told her to go and play.
He put down his huge wing and said, "Hop on Princess Lilly, let's have an adventure.
-comma needed before 'princess lilly' and closing speech mark missing, should be:
He put down his huge wing and said, "Hop on, Princess Lilly, let's have an adventure."
"Where would you like to go Princess Lily?
-closing speech mark missing
"I want to go to Confectionary Island."
-confectionery is spelled with an 'e' rather then an 'a' but I just wonder, would a child actually use that word anyway? I'd look at substituting confectionery with a more appropriate word a child would use :)
"Wake up, Princess Lilly we are almost there."
-comma after 'lilly' needed
It is good tea comes in a pot when there is a hopping frog waitress.
-seems like an incomplete sentence and I can't make sense of it. Is the word 'that' missing perhaps? I'd suggest:
It is good tea that comes in a pot when brought by a hopping frog waitress.
"Purple Dragon, please, take us to the Cotton Candy Clouds, we want a treat. Up, up they went flying just below the clouds. Lilly and Aubry were able to grab handfuls of sweet cotton candy
-closing speech mark missing and needs to be separated i.e.
"Purple Dragon, please, take us to the Cotton Candy Clouds, we want a treat."
Up, up they went flying just below the clouds. Lilly and Aubry were able to grab handfuls of sweet cotton candy.
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Do let me know if you make any changes as I'd love to come back to re-review and bump up rating for you :):):)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Very charming childrens story, I love the idea of her being transported to this fabulous place on the back of a dragon and I'm in no doubt kids will like it too :)
Few fix up's:
On this particular day her mommy told her, to go and play.
-comma not needed and I'd look at combining the two sentences i.e.
She lived in the country with her mommy and daddy and on this particular day her mommy told her to go and play.
He put down his huge wing and said, "Hop on Princess Lilly, let's have an adventure.
-comma needed before 'princess lilly' and closing speech mark missing, should be:
He put down his huge wing and said, "Hop on, Princess Lilly, let's have an adventure."
"Where would you like to go Princess Lily?
-closing speech mark missing
"I want to go to Confectionary Island."
-confectionery is spelled with an 'e' rather then an 'a' but I just wonder, would a child actually use that word anyway? I'd look at substituting confectionery with a more appropriate word a child would use :)
"Wake up, Princess Lilly we are almost there."
-comma after 'lilly' needed
It is good tea comes in a pot when there is a hopping frog waitress.
-seems like an incomplete sentence and I can't make sense of it. Is the word 'that' missing perhaps? I'd suggest:
It is good tea that comes in a pot when brought by a hopping frog waitress.
"Purple Dragon, please, take us to the Cotton Candy Clouds, we want a treat. Up, up they went flying just below the clouds. Lilly and Aubry were able to grab handfuls of sweet cotton candy
-closing speech mark missing and needs to be separated i.e.
"Purple Dragon, please, take us to the Cotton Candy Clouds, we want a treat."
Up, up they went flying just below the clouds. Lilly and Aubry were able to grab handfuls of sweet cotton candy.
**********************************
Do let me know if you make any changes as I'd love to come back to re-review and bump up rating for you :):):)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thank you so much for the editing review. I will m,ake the changes and let you know.
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Excellent stuff, I'm looking forward to it! :)
Comment from al1801
There's nothing like a good, innocent kids; yarn where animals and humans are social partners. One itty-bitty thing worried me; the name, Aubry. I'm still thinking it is a male name (alt spell Aubrey) whereas Audry or Audrey is the feminine version. You may wish to qualify f how you came by Aubry. Nonetheless it did not detract fro the story.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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There's nothing like a good, innocent kids; yarn where animals and humans are social partners. One itty-bitty thing worried me; the name, Aubry. I'm still thinking it is a male name (alt spell Aubrey) whereas Audry or Audrey is the feminine version. You may wish to qualify f how you came by Aubry. Nonetheless it did not detract fro the story.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback. I really like that name but I will check into it.
Comment from armryan
I really enjoyed reading this story. The characters are well fleshed out and there is an excellent description of time and place. You also set up a well defined goal at the very beginning of the story: Lily is going to Confectionary Island to check up on her friend Aubry. You also introduced and resolved another problem: Aubry's inability to go for a hot air balloon ride due to her horn. That seems a bit discriminatory to me! but I love how Lily and the Purple Dragon help out by providing a way for Aubry to sail through the skies. Mechanics wise my only concern is for this phrase at the very beginning: "It is good tea comes in a pot when there is a hopping frog waitress." The phrases is a bit awkward, or perhaps it seems that way to me because I am not British. At any rate, this story was lovely and I look forward to reading more of Lily's adventures!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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I really enjoyed reading this story. The characters are well fleshed out and there is an excellent description of time and place. You also set up a well defined goal at the very beginning of the story: Lily is going to Confectionary Island to check up on her friend Aubry. You also introduced and resolved another problem: Aubry's inability to go for a hot air balloon ride due to her horn. That seems a bit discriminatory to me! but I love how Lily and the Purple Dragon help out by providing a way for Aubry to sail through the skies. Mechanics wise my only concern is for this phrase at the very beginning: "It is good tea comes in a pot when there is a hopping frog waitress." The phrases is a bit awkward, or perhaps it seems that way to me because I am not British. At any rate, this story was lovely and I look forward to reading more of Lily's adventures!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I was unsure about that phrase myself.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Princess Lily has had a fine adventure with the Purple Dragon and Aubry the unicorn. "Confectionary" is maybe too adult a word for a read-it-yourself book because the word might require explanation, but it would be fine in a read-to-me venue. I hope you have a wonderful illustrator. I see molded sugar castles and pink cotton candy clouds and....You've packed this full of wonderful images that'll translate well into pastel-drawn pictures (and your vision is probably entirely different from mine). :D Great job. Nancy
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Princess Lily has had a fine adventure with the Purple Dragon and Aubry the unicorn. "Confectionary" is maybe too adult a word for a read-it-yourself book because the word might require explanation, but it would be fine in a read-to-me venue. I hope you have a wonderful illustrator. I see molded sugar castles and pink cotton candy clouds and....You've packed this full of wonderful images that'll translate well into pastel-drawn pictures (and your vision is probably entirely different from mine). :D Great job. Nancy
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. This would be a read-to-me book.
Comment from mumsyone
You've asked for constructive criticism. You have far too much wording and unnecessary information for a picture book for 3-4 year olds. (Children normally like to "step up" and read and hear about older children, but they don't like to "step down" and read about younger children, so this book would probably be read mostly to 3-4 year olds.)
Your first two paragraphs are totally unnecessary. Your book should begin with Lily going out to play in her circus tent, and from then on, every statement should present a picture that the reader (or the child being read to)can "see." There are several books in print regarding the making of picture books. Before you spent money self-publishing this one, I would suggest you do some reading. I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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You've asked for constructive criticism. You have far too much wording and unnecessary information for a picture book for 3-4 year olds. (Children normally like to "step up" and read and hear about older children, but they don't like to "step down" and read about younger children, so this book would probably be read mostly to 3-4 year olds.)
Your first two paragraphs are totally unnecessary. Your book should begin with Lily going out to play in her circus tent, and from then on, every statement should present a picture that the reader (or the child being read to)can "see." There are several books in print regarding the making of picture books. Before you spent money self-publishing this one, I would suggest you do some reading. I hope this helps.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your honest critique. I appreciate the feedback.
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You're welcome. I think your story has merit. You just need to cut out the unnecessary stuff.
Comment from cholb22
A lovely children's story that I know my little boy would love at bedtime! I have a few points... that I hope you will find helpful? I wonder whether Lily should have been just slightly older, I know that you point out that she was clever enough to say that she was nearly three, but this is quite advanced stuff for a normal two and a half year old, adding to the fact that as far as we know she is unsupervised in a tent....sorry this is all from the protective mum view point, thinking what I would allow my kids to do or what they would say at that age...also, was confectionery island somewhere that had been mentioned to her in the past, as the same applies I think as I do not know of many two year olds that know what confectionery is. I really really hope that you do not mind me saying all of this, it is not meant as criticism at all, more that the story has to fit? And the reader has to be able to imagine the scenario? I hope that you find this useful.. I really did enjoy it!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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A lovely children's story that I know my little boy would love at bedtime! I have a few points... that I hope you will find helpful? I wonder whether Lily should have been just slightly older, I know that you point out that she was clever enough to say that she was nearly three, but this is quite advanced stuff for a normal two and a half year old, adding to the fact that as far as we know she is unsupervised in a tent....sorry this is all from the protective mum view point, thinking what I would allow my kids to do or what they would say at that age...also, was confectionery island somewhere that had been mentioned to her in the past, as the same applies I think as I do not know of many two year olds that know what confectionery is. I really really hope that you do not mind me saying all of this, it is not meant as criticism at all, more that the story has to fit? And the reader has to be able to imagine the scenario? I hope that you find this useful.. I really did enjoy it!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2011
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You are the second person that has talked about Lily being too young. I appreciate the feedback. I think you may be right.
