Stranger in the Night
A girl is hesitant to open her door at night41 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I am so glad your daughter had the sense not to open the door - the compassionate part of us wants to help, but in this sad world, we really do have no way of knowing if it truly is a person in distress or someone out to rob us or harm us. Excellent dialogue throughout. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
  |
I am so glad your daughter had the sense not to open the door - the compassionate part of us wants to help, but in this sad world, we really do have no way of knowing if it truly is a person in distress or someone out to rob us or harm us. Excellent dialogue throughout. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much Brooke, I really appreciate the review and comments. I think she came very close to opening that door. I'm thankful she didn't.
Beth
Comment from MS Writer
Oh, it really is very similar to mine. As a true story this is very frightening and you presented it very well. Well I wish you the best of luck.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
Oh, it really is very similar to mine. As a true story this is very frightening and you presented it very well. Well I wish you the best of luck.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Thank you for reading this. It is fightening to get a phone call at night and someone at the door is much worse. I wish you luck with your story as well. It has an excellent twist to it.
Beth
Comment from RebelRose
I know your daughter must have been scared but she exercised some very good sense and did the right thing. I open my door to no one. This type of crime happens far too often. I enjoyed reading this but am sorry (for your daughter)there was a need to write it although it mau help a lot of people
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
I know your daughter must have been scared but she exercised some very good sense and did the right thing. I open my door to no one. This type of crime happens far too often. I enjoyed reading this but am sorry (for your daughter)there was a need to write it although it mau help a lot of people
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much for your review. It has made at least one person who never locks her door decide to change. I appreciate your comments.
Beth
Comment from WRITER1
This is an excellent story. One we can all learn from. Especially, as we get older they're out there looking for us. I am glad your daughter had the peace of mind not to let them in. Thank God.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
This is an excellent story. One we can all learn from. Especially, as we get older they're out there looking for us. I am glad your daughter had the peace of mind not to let them in. Thank God.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much for your review and nice comments. We should all be on our toes night or day because it is a scary world.
Beth
Comment from misscookie
This story truly got too me that's why you got six a stars. FiRst I must say these thing happen any place there is a safe neighborhood. This story had my full attention and I'm glad IT HAd A HAPPY ENDING.
I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT NOT LOCKING MY FRONT DOOR, AND MY FAMILY IS ALWAYS ON MY CASE.
No MORE!.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
 |
This story truly got too me that's why you got six a stars. FiRst I must say these thing happen any place there is a safe neighborhood. This story had my full attention and I'm glad IT HAd A HAPPY ENDING.
I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT NOT LOCKING MY FRONT DOOR, AND MY FAMILY IS ALWAYS ON MY CASE.
No MORE!.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Wow! I really appreciate the six stars and If it has made you decided to keep your door locked it is a good thing. There was a time I felt safe with my door unlocked but no more. Thanks for reading and your nice comments.
Beth
-
Your very welcome, thanks again.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Beth, This was one scary story my friend. I am so glad your daughter didn't open the door either. We live in a messed up world that people prey on others in this manner. A well thought out and written story. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
Hi Beth, This was one scary story my friend. I am so glad your daughter didn't open the door either. We live in a messed up world that people prey on others in this manner. A well thought out and written story. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much for the review and the lovely comments. I was very relieved she had the sense not to open that door.
Beth
Comment from The Stranger
never trust a stranger, a valuable lesson for everybody when facing a wolf in sheeps clothing. Remain calm, in control and call the police
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
never trust a stranger, a valuable lesson for everybody when facing a wolf in sheeps clothing. Remain calm, in control and call the police
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much for your review and excellent comments. It is ironic that your handle on this site is The Stranger. I'm sure you aren't a stanger one has to worry about. LOL
Beth
Comment from Realist101
Wow...this is eerie Beth. I am SO glad nothing happened. I could tell her things that have happened to me that would make her afraid to leave her house during the daylight hours. Your story is vivid and chilling. I will tell you, when my son was 11, I had a job, that I quit just after this happened, he was asleep and someone knocked at 2 am ( I had third shift of course) it was 4 teen boys...all just trash, and an old noisy junker was sitting in our drive. They asked where Pamida was(a dollar store) that is closed at night. My son was very polite to them. I think had he NOT opened the door and been nice, they would have broken in and found him and he could have been killed. I quit that job just days later. STAY safe!! Great story Beth! Luv, susan
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
|
Wow...this is eerie Beth. I am SO glad nothing happened. I could tell her things that have happened to me that would make her afraid to leave her house during the daylight hours. Your story is vivid and chilling. I will tell you, when my son was 11, I had a job, that I quit just after this happened, he was asleep and someone knocked at 2 am ( I had third shift of course) it was 4 teen boys...all just trash, and an old noisy junker was sitting in our drive. They asked where Pamida was(a dollar store) that is closed at night. My son was very polite to them. I think had he NOT opened the door and been nice, they would have broken in and found him and he could have been killed. I quit that job just days later. STAY safe!! Great story Beth! Luv, susan
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Yes it is true that day or night we need to keep on our toes. It is a dangerous world and seems to be getting more so each day. Thank you so much for the nice comments and for sharing your experiences with me.
Love,
Beth
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A good read, and a bit of a different twist knowing that it is based on a true happening. Your story flows well and you put the reader right in there with Lisa as she struggles to know whether to open up or not. I enjoyed.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2011
|
A good read, and a bit of a different twist knowing that it is based on a true happening. Your story flows well and you put the reader right in there with Lisa as she struggles to know whether to open up or not. I enjoyed.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2011
-
Thank you so much Pearl. I really appreciate your review and comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Beth
Comment from Helen Tan
This must have frightened your daughter. It must be equally scary living with a gun by her side. During my trip to the States in November 2010, a friend showed us his guns while we were having dinner at his place, it made me feel uneasy. BUT I guess, it's needed in some situations.
I've left some points for you to consider, hope they will be of some help. Good luck in the contest.
There was a knock on the door awakening Lisa from a sound sleep. She was in an instant state of panic.
Beth, to create suspense and tension, stick with shorter and "active" sentences. This will give your opening more punch. Consider -
There was a knock on the door. Lisa woke from a sound sleep. Panic gripped her.
Something like this, I know you can do a better rewrite.
No one should be at my door at this ungodly hour, she thought.
You have the thought in italic so you can delete "she thought", the reader is aware.
The sound of fear had gone from the voice and had been replaced by anger. The voice sounded much older and had a hard edge to it. There was the sound of footsteps leaving. It sounded like more than one person on the flagstone porch.
There are too many mentions of "sound" in these lines. See if you can delete some. -
Fear had gone ...
Lisa heard footsteps leaving, of more than one person on the flagstone porch.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
 |
This must have frightened your daughter. It must be equally scary living with a gun by her side. During my trip to the States in November 2010, a friend showed us his guns while we were having dinner at his place, it made me feel uneasy. BUT I guess, it's needed in some situations.
I've left some points for you to consider, hope they will be of some help. Good luck in the contest.
There was a knock on the door awakening Lisa from a sound sleep. She was in an instant state of panic.
Beth, to create suspense and tension, stick with shorter and "active" sentences. This will give your opening more punch. Consider -
There was a knock on the door. Lisa woke from a sound sleep. Panic gripped her.
Something like this, I know you can do a better rewrite.
No one should be at my door at this ungodly hour, she thought.
You have the thought in italic so you can delete "she thought", the reader is aware.
The sound of fear had gone from the voice and had been replaced by anger. The voice sounded much older and had a hard edge to it. There was the sound of footsteps leaving. It sounded like more than one person on the flagstone porch.
There are too many mentions of "sound" in these lines. See if you can delete some. -
Fear had gone ...
Lisa heard footsteps leaving, of more than one person on the flagstone porch.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
-
Helen, you are an excellent writer and always seem to know what my writing needs. I appreciate you taking the time to read so carefully and make helpful suggestions. I think you are right so I've changed some things.
Beth
