The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Calm Before The Storm"A family learns their father is a serial killer
24 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great chapter. I think that poor James should have a bit more to say to his Aunt and Uncle, maybe here is two people that he can confide in, but only a suggestion. Great job.
Grandpa had a cabin near Arlington, north of Seattle in Snohomish County that he left to Mom and Aunt Em when he died. It was a small cabin a few miles from the (cabin and cabin used too close together. I suggest changing the second to place, the reader knows what you're talking about here)
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Another great chapter. I think that poor James should have a bit more to say to his Aunt and Uncle, maybe here is two people that he can confide in, but only a suggestion. Great job.
Grandpa had a cabin near Arlington, north of Seattle in Snohomish County that he left to Mom and Aunt Em when he died. It was a small cabin a few miles from the (cabin and cabin used too close together. I suggest changing the second to place, the reader knows what you're talking about here)
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thanks for the suggestion, I will make the change.
Comment from raw form
SG this is a fine transitional chapter still filled with action an suspenseof whats to come I'm glad that I did start from the begining to read the whole story I am really enjoying it.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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SG this is a fine transitional chapter still filled with action an suspenseof whats to come I'm glad that I did start from the begining to read the whole story I am really enjoying it.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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I am so pleased you are enjoying this book.
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SG its a rockin' story! how could I not read it.
Comment from Tellis
This is a very good chapter and I've really enjoyed reading it. I saw no spags in need of fixing and keep up the great work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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This is a very good chapter and I've really enjoyed reading it. I saw no spags in need of fixing and keep up the great work.
Tellis
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thanks. I always appreciate and look forward to your reviews.
Comment from Aski
Aunt Em was a good tool to use to explain where Mom was coming from, like not asking what was said at the prison. The characterization of Uncle Mark and Aunt Em fits understandably and is well shown. I was surprised at Aunt Em's language "pissed off". I thought the older age person would have had a different response. However, it does fit her "free spirit". Mom giving in and acknowledging that James will speak to reporters is within Mom's character too.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Aunt Em was a good tool to use to explain where Mom was coming from, like not asking what was said at the prison. The characterization of Uncle Mark and Aunt Em fits understandably and is well shown. I was surprised at Aunt Em's language "pissed off". I thought the older age person would have had a different response. However, it does fit her "free spirit". Mom giving in and acknowledging that James will speak to reporters is within Mom's character too.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Yes, Aunt Em is older but they are still sisters and with 5 of my own, we often slide backwards in time when talking to each other. Glad you enjoyed thiso ne.
Comment from Readywriter52
Aunt Em and Uncle Mark sound like no nonsense people. Maybe they can help Martha deal with the situation. It's a shock to discover your husband is a serial murderer. Uncle Mark is someone that James can talk to. Maybe his aunt and uncle can keep the family together.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Aunt Em and Uncle Mark sound like no nonsense people. Maybe they can help Martha deal with the situation. It's a shock to discover your husband is a serial murderer. Uncle Mark is someone that James can talk to. Maybe his aunt and uncle can keep the family together.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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James and his family certainly need all the support they can get. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It's amazing how family, the aunt and the uncle knew things weren't right before the family did. I have always wondered how people know that.
Aunt Em immediate responded. (try; Aunt Em immediately responded,)
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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It's amazing how family, the aunt and the uncle knew things weren't right before the family did. I have always wondered how people know that.
Aunt Em immediate responded. (try; Aunt Em immediately responded,)
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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That is a very astute observation. Some call it intuition, I call it gut instinct. The night my dear cousin died, I just knew something was wrong and called her to tell her I loved her. She died a few hours later, I was the last person to speak to her. I will always be thankful that I was able to tell her I loved her one last time.
Comment from marcii
Maybe having her sister their will help the mother feel some one is their to comfort her and help her get through it, not that her children haven't helped though.
Leaving for the cabin might be a good thing but maybe the cabin is were the murders took place.
Who's to say the killer wasn't uncle Mark and he deliberately put those trophies their to be found.
Marcii
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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Maybe having her sister their will help the mother feel some one is their to comfort her and help her get through it, not that her children haven't helped though.
Leaving for the cabin might be a good thing but maybe the cabin is were the murders took place.
Who's to say the killer wasn't uncle Mark and he deliberately put those trophies their to be found.
Marcii
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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Those are all very good questions that eventually will be answered...but just not quite yet. I am glad you enjoyed thisone.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Another great chapter. James is definitely
the strong back-bone of the family.
"It took [a] quite a bit - lose spare "a"
Mom started to speak, but when our eyes met, she remained silent - (as you've said she remained silent) I feel this needs to be -
Mom was about to speak, but...
Margaret
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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Another great chapter. James is definitely
the strong back-bone of the family.
"It took [a] quite a bit - lose spare "a"
Mom started to speak, but when our eyes met, she remained silent - (as you've said she remained silent) I feel this needs to be -
Mom was about to speak, but...
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. I am pleased you still find this interesting.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
I think Aunt Em is a bitch... This story is progressing nicely but I have a sister like this Em character and she rubs me in the wrong way...lol...yep that tells you that your writing is spot on and I'm an involved reader! Well done!
xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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I think Aunt Em is a bitch... This story is progressing nicely but I have a sister like this Em character and she rubs me in the wrong way...lol...yep that tells you that your writing is spot on and I'm an involved reader! Well done!
xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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I don't know if she is a bitch, but she does speak her mind and never holds back when offering her opinion...I can see why you see the bitch in her.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:}
If my memory serves me right, you introduced Uncle Mark and Aunt Em a little sooner in your first draft. In any case, I think this is the perfect point in the story. It allows a bit of the terrible psychological pressure to be defrayed a bit.
Aunt Em is a big help. I think she takes charge, without being overbearing and Uncle Mark is a stabilizing presence. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Both Aunt Em an Uncle Mark wanted to go with us to the hospital to see Susan but they understood when Mom explained the situation. "Susan is in a very delicate state right now and I think it would be best if we give her more time before overwhelming her with too many visitors."
However, I was not happy when Mom asked me to remain at the hotel with my aunt and uncle. Despite protesting, I lost the argument. (One of the few arguments James lost.}
2. I spent the first twenty minutes answering questions about how we were handling the media and Susan's hospitalization. Then, Uncle Mark, never one to dance around an issue, dove right in and asked the big one. "I hear you saw your Dad yesterday. What did the son-of-a-bitch have to say for himself?"
Finally, someone asked about my meeting with Dad. (I think it is a normal reaction to avoid talking about unpleasant things when they are too close to home.}
3. Aunt Em sat back in her chair and the expression on her face told me she had something important to say. "James, I am worried about Martha. She is doing her best to put on a strong face, but I am afraid it is only a matter of time before she cracks under all the pressure."
I agreed. "Mom wants to speak to the reporters. I don't think it is a good idea. They are all a bunch of vultures and she is no match for them."
Aunt Em shook her head. "Damn. That is the worst thing she could do."
I agreed again. "Don't worry. I'll be there beside her. I'll make sure they keep their distance."
Uncle Mark grinned. "Good for you. If anyone can set those idiots straight, it's you." {I am glad that they are treating James like an adult in this excellent dialog.}
4. With his elbows on the table and his chin resting on his hands, Uncle Mark smiled. "When your Mom gets back, I want to talk to her about taking you and Charlie up to the cabin for a few days."
I disagreed. "No. That's not a good idea. Mom needs me here with her. I don't want to leave her alone."
"She won't be alone. Em is here and I think it would be good for you guys to take a break from all this crap."
Grandpa had a cabin near Arlington, north of Seattle in Snohomish County that he left to Mom and Aunt Em when he died. It was a small cabin a few miles from the River Meadows Park, near the Stillaguamish River. Over the years, Dad, Charlie and I spent many weekends there fishing and hiking. When Mom and Dad were married, they spent their honeymoon there. I wasn't sure the peace and quiet Uncle Mark was looking for was going to be found in a place that held so many phony memories for Charlie and me.
I knew Uncle Mark meant well and not wanting to offend him, I just smiled and said, "I'll think about it." {Normally, it would be a good idea to help get away from the tension, but....well you know,}
5. Mom and Charlie returned at three-thirty. Mom told us how pleased she was with Susan's progress but also disappointed that Dr. Perez felt it would be several weeks before she could come home.{No surprise.}
6. "Mr. Douglas, the prosecutor, has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure it's to announce his decision on whether to accept or deny John's offer....Aunt Em put her arm around Mom. "If he accepts it, Mr. Douglas will probably be out of a job when it comes time for the next election. It's the old, damned if you do and damned if you don't situation." [Plea bargains are never pretty.}
7. om looked over at me. "Mr. Hurley has scheduled our press conference for five o'clock today. We need to hurry up and get ready."
Mom suddenly began to shake. "I have never been so terrified in my life. I still don't know what I will say."
I gave Mom a hug. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to talk first."
Mom started to speak, but when our eyes met, she remained silent. She obviously knew this was another argument she wasn't going to win. {Another great passage, Now without quetion, James has become head of the family.}
This is a well-written and SPAG-free chapter.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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Hi Valerie:}
If my memory serves me right, you introduced Uncle Mark and Aunt Em a little sooner in your first draft. In any case, I think this is the perfect point in the story. It allows a bit of the terrible psychological pressure to be defrayed a bit.
Aunt Em is a big help. I think she takes charge, without being overbearing and Uncle Mark is a stabilizing presence. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Both Aunt Em an Uncle Mark wanted to go with us to the hospital to see Susan but they understood when Mom explained the situation. "Susan is in a very delicate state right now and I think it would be best if we give her more time before overwhelming her with too many visitors."
However, I was not happy when Mom asked me to remain at the hotel with my aunt and uncle. Despite protesting, I lost the argument. (One of the few arguments James lost.}
2. I spent the first twenty minutes answering questions about how we were handling the media and Susan's hospitalization. Then, Uncle Mark, never one to dance around an issue, dove right in and asked the big one. "I hear you saw your Dad yesterday. What did the son-of-a-bitch have to say for himself?"
Finally, someone asked about my meeting with Dad. (I think it is a normal reaction to avoid talking about unpleasant things when they are too close to home.}
3. Aunt Em sat back in her chair and the expression on her face told me she had something important to say. "James, I am worried about Martha. She is doing her best to put on a strong face, but I am afraid it is only a matter of time before she cracks under all the pressure."
I agreed. "Mom wants to speak to the reporters. I don't think it is a good idea. They are all a bunch of vultures and she is no match for them."
Aunt Em shook her head. "Damn. That is the worst thing she could do."
I agreed again. "Don't worry. I'll be there beside her. I'll make sure they keep their distance."
Uncle Mark grinned. "Good for you. If anyone can set those idiots straight, it's you." {I am glad that they are treating James like an adult in this excellent dialog.}
4. With his elbows on the table and his chin resting on his hands, Uncle Mark smiled. "When your Mom gets back, I want to talk to her about taking you and Charlie up to the cabin for a few days."
I disagreed. "No. That's not a good idea. Mom needs me here with her. I don't want to leave her alone."
"She won't be alone. Em is here and I think it would be good for you guys to take a break from all this crap."
Grandpa had a cabin near Arlington, north of Seattle in Snohomish County that he left to Mom and Aunt Em when he died. It was a small cabin a few miles from the River Meadows Park, near the Stillaguamish River. Over the years, Dad, Charlie and I spent many weekends there fishing and hiking. When Mom and Dad were married, they spent their honeymoon there. I wasn't sure the peace and quiet Uncle Mark was looking for was going to be found in a place that held so many phony memories for Charlie and me.
I knew Uncle Mark meant well and not wanting to offend him, I just smiled and said, "I'll think about it." {Normally, it would be a good idea to help get away from the tension, but....well you know,}
5. Mom and Charlie returned at three-thirty. Mom told us how pleased she was with Susan's progress but also disappointed that Dr. Perez felt it would be several weeks before she could come home.{No surprise.}
6. "Mr. Douglas, the prosecutor, has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure it's to announce his decision on whether to accept or deny John's offer....Aunt Em put her arm around Mom. "If he accepts it, Mr. Douglas will probably be out of a job when it comes time for the next election. It's the old, damned if you do and damned if you don't situation." [Plea bargains are never pretty.}
7. om looked over at me. "Mr. Hurley has scheduled our press conference for five o'clock today. We need to hurry up and get ready."
Mom suddenly began to shake. "I have never been so terrified in my life. I still don't know what I will say."
I gave Mom a hug. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to talk first."
Mom started to speak, but when our eyes met, she remained silent. She obviously knew this was another argument she wasn't going to win. {Another great passage, Now without quetion, James has become head of the family.}
This is a well-written and SPAG-free chapter.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
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I am so pleased you like this one. It is an important build up the the press conference,which I have only made minor changes to.
