The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "A Visit With Susan"A family learns their father is a serial killer
28 total reviews
Comment from Cali Girl
Fantastic chapter. If I remember correctly, I don't think this is too different from the earlier version. It's still a very powerful chapter, and your use of psychiatric terminology is amazing.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Fantastic chapter. If I remember correctly, I don't think this is too different from the earlier version. It's still a very powerful chapter, and your use of psychiatric terminology is amazing.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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No, this is similar to the original. The major changes don't come for a while yet. There are some minor changes in the earlier portion but you have a way to go before the obvious ones appear. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from marcii
Dull should not be mentioned, nothing dull about your story.
One needs to know what you have told us, it adds to what we know already about each of these characters.
Marcii
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2011
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Dull should not be mentioned, nothing dull about your story.
One needs to know what you have told us, it adds to what we know already about each of these characters.
Marcii
Comment Written 08-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2011
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I am pleased you continue to enjoy and follow this story.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Valerie:)
Once again I am in awe of your writing talent. It is always a great pleasure to review such excellent work. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Mac dropped us off in front of the hotel and said goodbye with a nod and a quick wave of his hand. Although our intent had been to get some clothes, except for two family photograph albums, we returned empty handed. {wonderful job of showing the emotional impact of memories that their house still held.!}
2. Mom had not spoken since leaving the house. Other than a hug or pat on the shoulder, I had no idea how to comfort her. Susan always knew what to say, how to say it, and exactly when to say it. That was her forte. Watching Mom sit on the couch, silently staring out the window, I felt helpless. A hug was not going to be enough this time. {this is a powerful paragraph that I shows that Mon is about to break under the weight of post traumatic stress disorder{PTSD}. This is the depressed mental state that many soldiers develop after their encounters with combat deaths.]
3. Charlie went into the bedroom to watch television and I sat down beside Mom on the couch. She was still holding the two photograph albums in a vice-like grip....Mom went through every page of both albums removing all evidence of Dad....Mom may have cut his image from the photographs, but it upset me knowing that we would take hatred, anger, and sadness to erase him from our hearts. {What a sad realization. Great visual imagery!}
4. Mom woke me at eight in the morning and told me I needed to hurry up and get dressed. We were expected at the hospital at nine o'clock and she didn't want to be late. Charlie was already up and dressed. He refused to stay at the hotel, saying he was tired of being treated like a child.
"I'm as much a part of this family as all of you. Susan is my sister too and no one is keeping me from seeing her."
I smiled and gave Charlie a hug. I was proud of him for standing up for himself. {This is a good sigh that Charlie has passed through the denial stage and is gaining control of his anger.}
5. We arrived at the hospital a few minutes before nine. We went directly to 7 North, one of the two psychiatric wards at the hospital...."First of all, I am a third year resident specializing in Psychiatric Medicine. I am a board certified doctor fully qualified to treat your daughter. Marilyn is a psychiatric nurse with six years experience. Each patient is assigned a team consisting of a resident, nurse, social worker, physical therapist, and occupational therapist. An attending physician, a psychiatrist, oversees each patient's care and heads the team. {For some books, this would be too much information, but I feel every word is important, as you establish authenticity for your story and characters. Excellent presentation of a modern psychiatric treatment ward.}
6. ...Dr Perez leaned forward and took Mom's hand. "I encourage you all to visit her every day and spend as much time with her as she can tolerate. If she becomes sad, or shows any sign of stress, it is important you leave, but leave graciously, never abruptly or in anger. Susan is going to have good days and bad days. {Excellent realism. This interaction with Dr Perez reads like nonfiction.}
7. i really like the brief visit with Susan. The dialog and observations seem perfect to me.)
I am still excited to be reading such an excellent story. I feel like I am seeing and hearing everything through James' eyes and ears. This is a classic study of a family in turmoil.
I wish I could give a whole sky full of stars, but FanStory is still hoarding them, but please enjoy all the love virtual Irish hugs you desire,
Roger
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
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Valerie:)
Once again I am in awe of your writing talent. It is always a great pleasure to review such excellent work. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Mac dropped us off in front of the hotel and said goodbye with a nod and a quick wave of his hand. Although our intent had been to get some clothes, except for two family photograph albums, we returned empty handed. {wonderful job of showing the emotional impact of memories that their house still held.!}
2. Mom had not spoken since leaving the house. Other than a hug or pat on the shoulder, I had no idea how to comfort her. Susan always knew what to say, how to say it, and exactly when to say it. That was her forte. Watching Mom sit on the couch, silently staring out the window, I felt helpless. A hug was not going to be enough this time. {this is a powerful paragraph that I shows that Mon is about to break under the weight of post traumatic stress disorder{PTSD}. This is the depressed mental state that many soldiers develop after their encounters with combat deaths.]
3. Charlie went into the bedroom to watch television and I sat down beside Mom on the couch. She was still holding the two photograph albums in a vice-like grip....Mom went through every page of both albums removing all evidence of Dad....Mom may have cut his image from the photographs, but it upset me knowing that we would take hatred, anger, and sadness to erase him from our hearts. {What a sad realization. Great visual imagery!}
4. Mom woke me at eight in the morning and told me I needed to hurry up and get dressed. We were expected at the hospital at nine o'clock and she didn't want to be late. Charlie was already up and dressed. He refused to stay at the hotel, saying he was tired of being treated like a child.
"I'm as much a part of this family as all of you. Susan is my sister too and no one is keeping me from seeing her."
I smiled and gave Charlie a hug. I was proud of him for standing up for himself. {This is a good sigh that Charlie has passed through the denial stage and is gaining control of his anger.}
5. We arrived at the hospital a few minutes before nine. We went directly to 7 North, one of the two psychiatric wards at the hospital...."First of all, I am a third year resident specializing in Psychiatric Medicine. I am a board certified doctor fully qualified to treat your daughter. Marilyn is a psychiatric nurse with six years experience. Each patient is assigned a team consisting of a resident, nurse, social worker, physical therapist, and occupational therapist. An attending physician, a psychiatrist, oversees each patient's care and heads the team. {For some books, this would be too much information, but I feel every word is important, as you establish authenticity for your story and characters. Excellent presentation of a modern psychiatric treatment ward.}
6. ...Dr Perez leaned forward and took Mom's hand. "I encourage you all to visit her every day and spend as much time with her as she can tolerate. If she becomes sad, or shows any sign of stress, it is important you leave, but leave graciously, never abruptly or in anger. Susan is going to have good days and bad days. {Excellent realism. This interaction with Dr Perez reads like nonfiction.}
7. i really like the brief visit with Susan. The dialog and observations seem perfect to me.)
I am still excited to be reading such an excellent story. I feel like I am seeing and hearing everything through James' eyes and ears. This is a classic study of a family in turmoil.
I wish I could give a whole sky full of stars, but FanStory is still hoarding them, but please enjoy all the love virtual Irish hugs you desire,
Roger
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
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As always, I am both thrilled and impressed with your thorough critique of this chapter. I more than happy with a 5 topped off with the virtual Irish hugs!
Comment from sizemore0409
Hi Smurphgirl! I greatly enjoyed reading this exceptionally well-crafted chapter. It flows silky-smooth; with superb imagery very well-woven into the fabric of the narrative, throughout. The dialogue within this chapter was skillfully-constructed, as well. Great work! Andy
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2011
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Hi Smurphgirl! I greatly enjoyed reading this exceptionally well-crafted chapter. It flows silky-smooth; with superb imagery very well-woven into the fabric of the narrative, throughout. The dialogue within this chapter was skillfully-constructed, as well. Great work! Andy
Comment Written 02-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2011
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Thanks. I am thrilled you liked this one.
Comment from vickib
Great writing, great necessary chapter letting us know Susan's condition and setting up for the meeting with "Dad." Easy smooth reading with no errors at all. No hick-ups or glitches. Course you know that by now. Looking forward to the meeting. XO Vicki
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2011
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Great writing, great necessary chapter letting us know Susan's condition and setting up for the meeting with "Dad." Easy smooth reading with no errors at all. No hick-ups or glitches. Course you know that by now. Looking forward to the meeting. XO Vicki
Comment Written 02-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2011
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Thanks. I hope to post it today or tomorrow. Glad you enjoyed this one.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
chapter twelve is riveting and superbly written. The revelation of their father's crime continues to cause a downward spiral of family dymantics. Mom's reaction to cutting evidence of their evil Dad reveals that his family are also victims of his viciousness. Your narrative and internal dialogue are excellent with great descrpitive writing. I enjoyed meeting Dr. Perez and his psychatric nurse, Marilyn. We learn that Susan has PTSD. It was tense when the family visited Susan. You doing a marvelous job with the rewrite. I look forward to reading even more.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Sasha,
chapter twelve is riveting and superbly written. The revelation of their father's crime continues to cause a downward spiral of family dymantics. Mom's reaction to cutting evidence of their evil Dad reveals that his family are also victims of his viciousness. Your narrative and internal dialogue are excellent with great descrpitive writing. I enjoyed meeting Dr. Perez and his psychatric nurse, Marilyn. We learn that Susan has PTSD. It was tense when the family visited Susan. You doing a marvelous job with the rewrite. I look forward to reading even more.
Melissa.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Thank you so much. I am thrilled you are continuing to enjoy this.
Comment from Showboat
Hi Sasha,
Another excellent chapter. Very sad. I'm wondering if you're going to do some backstory so we can see the father's relationship to the kids and to his wife.
Excellent job on this one. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Hi Sasha,
Another excellent chapter. Very sad. I'm wondering if you're going to do some backstory so we can see the father's relationship to the kids and to his wife.
Excellent job on this one. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 01-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Yes, I do plan on some back story on the dad but since this is first person, I have to wait for James to do a little family research in that area. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Readywriter52
There's not much James and his family can do about his father. It seems childish when Mom cut up all the pictures, but at least it allowed her to take her anger out of something. Susan seems to have settled down a bit. It will be a while before she can come to terms with her situation.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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There's not much James and his family can do about his father. It seems childish when Mom cut up all the pictures, but at least it allowed her to take her anger out of something. Susan seems to have settled down a bit. It will be a while before she can come to terms with her situation.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Sadly, some never are able to come to terms and suffer the damage for the rest of their lives. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Tellis
The girl has been severely shocked by her fathers actions and her boyfriends. I hope they both get what's coming to them. To me they are both monsters. Good work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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The girl has been severely shocked by her fathers actions and her boyfriends. I hope they both get what's coming to them. To me they are both monsters. Good work.
Tellis
Comment Written 01-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2011
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Yes, they are monsters. I'm pleased you liked this one.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful chapter. Poor Susan, it's hard to be the one who felt desperate enough to try and end your own life, but you've covered it well. Great job.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2011
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Another wonderful chapter. Poor Susan, it's hard to be the one who felt desperate enough to try and end your own life, but you've covered it well. Great job.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much. The next chapter will be more intense, James meets with Dad.