The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Underestimating Betrayal"A family learns their father is a serial killer
26 total reviews
Comment from Cali Girl
What a fantastic chapter. Charlie is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters. I love that he seems to run on his emotions, and doesn't hold anything back.
Susan seems a much more desperate character from the earlier version of your story. Looking forward to reading what you have in store for her.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2011
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What a fantastic chapter. Charlie is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters. I love that he seems to run on his emotions, and doesn't hold anything back.
Susan seems a much more desperate character from the earlier version of your story. Looking forward to reading what you have in store for her.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2011
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Yes, she is more frail in this one. Glad you liked this chapter.
Comment from marcii
All three children and their Mother would all be quite confused about what they thought of their father/husband.
Why do others need to get their so called fifteen minutes of fame, even if what they said was all lies.
Great to be able to start catching up on your story.
Marcii
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2011
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All three children and their Mother would all be quite confused about what they thought of their father/husband.
Why do others need to get their so called fifteen minutes of fame, even if what they said was all lies.
Great to be able to start catching up on your story.
Marcii
Comment Written 08-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2011
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Jealousy, insecurity, ignorance, and the list goes on and on. Why do people go on the Jerry Springer Show, knowing they will be humiliated? So many people are willing to sell their soul for what they see as their 15 minute of fame. Glad you still find this interesting.
Comment from raw form
All I can say SG is that this is a most excellent story and I hope that you get a chance to publish this with a notable publishing house. Thats how good I think this is or even develop this for a movie on the lifetime channel. I dont know dont get me wrong FS is the Shiznit I love it here but I do think this commands a broader audience...Dont You?
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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All I can say SG is that this is a most excellent story and I hope that you get a chance to publish this with a notable publishing house. Thats how good I think this is or even develop this for a movie on the lifetime channel. I dont know dont get me wrong FS is the Shiznit I love it here but I do think this commands a broader audience...Dont You?
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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I have to agree with you on that one. I do hope to publish this and many have suggested a movie...who knows, crazier things have happened. Glad you are finding this that interesting. Thanks for the great review. I sincerely appreciate it.
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No problem Sg talent reconizes talent LOL
Comment from whitteron
Great chapter. I am so far behind in my reading and writing, and I can't wait to catch up. You book has me on pins and needles. Did you self publish? It's crushing, but so well done, I can't put it down. Okay back to this book.
This is moving right along. I kind of thought it was time for someone not to be able to cope with this, and you timed Susan's suicide perfectly.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2011
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Great chapter. I am so far behind in my reading and writing, and I can't wait to catch up. You book has me on pins and needles. Did you self publish? It's crushing, but so well done, I can't put it down. Okay back to this book.
This is moving right along. I kind of thought it was time for someone not to be able to cope with this, and you timed Susan's suicide perfectly.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2011
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I only have one book published so far and that is A Leaf on the Wind and no, I didn't self-publish. I don't plan on self-publishing this one which means I will have to enter the world of Oz and look for either an agent or publisher myself. Not something I am looking forward to. This is a rewrite of the previous 'A' Crack in the Mirror that I posted last year. The previous book was incomplete and I was not pleased with the direction it was going. To me, it came across as too predictable. So I pulled it, did a re-write and while it is similar to the first one, I spend far more time on the individual family members, plan to focus more on Dad, and have a completely different ending .... which doesn't really mean much since no one who read the original knew the ending I first planned. I am pleased you like this so far. I agree, it was/is definitely time for someone in this family to crack under the pressure. Hope you continue to follow this, I think you will find it interesting.
Comment from Alaskastory
'Underestimating Betrayal' chapter is a great protrayal of both boys as they walk through the city. The shocking betrayal by Susan's boyfriend is a surprise and a startling development. I see such a perfect chapter and will look forward to the next one.
Great job, Sasha.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2011
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'Underestimating Betrayal' chapter is a great protrayal of both boys as they walk through the city. The shocking betrayal by Susan's boyfriend is a surprise and a startling development. I see such a perfect chapter and will look forward to the next one.
Great job, Sasha.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2011
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I hope to post the next one tomorrow. I am pleased you enjoyed this and felt it deserved a 6 star rating. I always look forward to your reviews and comments.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
Another intense chapter. as usual, I have some specific comments:
1. [ Under estimating ==> Underestimating] Betrayal {I hate to pick on titles, but underestimating is always one word.}
2. We both ate in silence. I sat staring at my empty tray trying to find a tactful way to ask Charlie how he was doing. As though he could read my mind, Charlie spoke first.
"The 'and' is gone forever, isn't it?"
I had no idea what Charlie was trying to say. Seeing the confused look on my face, he tried to explain.
"It's always been Mom 'and' Dad. Mom 'and' Dad this and Mom 'and' Dad that. But now the 'and' is gone and it's not coming back, is it?" {I like this dialog. It appears to be the first time Charlie fully excepts the changes his father's acts are causing. It's good to see the end of his denial. Now the healing can start.}}
3. "You know, James, I always wanted to be just like Dad. Now, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am any more. I'm no longer Charlie Martin. To the world, I am the son of a murderer and I'm terrified that's all I will ever be."
It broke my heart to see the fear in Charlie's eyes. I wanted to say something that would take away his fear and give him a glimpse of hope, but I couldn't think of anything. [Public opinion is a terrible thing to overcome. Internal self-esteem may be even harder to change.}
4. The headline, KILLER'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER OUT OF CONTROL - BOYFRIEND TELLS ALL, sent wave of anger racing up my spine faster than the speed of light exploding like a bomb in my chest. I began hyperventilating as I read the lies Billy told about Susan having sex with every boy in school, binge drinking, and using cocaine....I put my hand on Charlie's shoulder and still shaking with anger, said, "We can't let Susan see these." James knows Susan is in a fragile mental condition.
5. When I opened the door to our room, I knew immediately something was wrong. All the lights were off and all I could hear was Mom, in the bathroom, screaming for help.
I ordered Charlie to stay in the living room. I ran into the bathroom and found Susan lying in the bathtub, fully dressed, soaking wet, and covered in blood from a large gash in her left wrist. Mom was on her knees, screaming, while trying to pull Susan out of the bathtub. A blood soaked copy of the Tattler with the picture of Susan and Billy lay on the floor next to a bloody bread knife. {james was right to keep Susan from seeing te newspaper, but it was too late. Powerful twist on Billy's terrible betrayal.}
You just keep raising the stakes for the Mathew's shattered family. again, I feel like you put your readers right in the skins of James, Charlie, Susan and Martha. What more can I say. I get great mental images of everything in this story, but you still have to settle for virtual Irish hugs. You know how FanStory hangs onto its stars.
Love and hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
Another intense chapter. as usual, I have some specific comments:
1. [ Under estimating ==> Underestimating] Betrayal {I hate to pick on titles, but underestimating is always one word.}
2. We both ate in silence. I sat staring at my empty tray trying to find a tactful way to ask Charlie how he was doing. As though he could read my mind, Charlie spoke first.
"The 'and' is gone forever, isn't it?"
I had no idea what Charlie was trying to say. Seeing the confused look on my face, he tried to explain.
"It's always been Mom 'and' Dad. Mom 'and' Dad this and Mom 'and' Dad that. But now the 'and' is gone and it's not coming back, is it?" {I like this dialog. It appears to be the first time Charlie fully excepts the changes his father's acts are causing. It's good to see the end of his denial. Now the healing can start.}}
3. "You know, James, I always wanted to be just like Dad. Now, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am any more. I'm no longer Charlie Martin. To the world, I am the son of a murderer and I'm terrified that's all I will ever be."
It broke my heart to see the fear in Charlie's eyes. I wanted to say something that would take away his fear and give him a glimpse of hope, but I couldn't think of anything. [Public opinion is a terrible thing to overcome. Internal self-esteem may be even harder to change.}
4. The headline, KILLER'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER OUT OF CONTROL - BOYFRIEND TELLS ALL, sent wave of anger racing up my spine faster than the speed of light exploding like a bomb in my chest. I began hyperventilating as I read the lies Billy told about Susan having sex with every boy in school, binge drinking, and using cocaine....I put my hand on Charlie's shoulder and still shaking with anger, said, "We can't let Susan see these." James knows Susan is in a fragile mental condition.
5. When I opened the door to our room, I knew immediately something was wrong. All the lights were off and all I could hear was Mom, in the bathroom, screaming for help.
I ordered Charlie to stay in the living room. I ran into the bathroom and found Susan lying in the bathtub, fully dressed, soaking wet, and covered in blood from a large gash in her left wrist. Mom was on her knees, screaming, while trying to pull Susan out of the bathtub. A blood soaked copy of the Tattler with the picture of Susan and Billy lay on the floor next to a bloody bread knife. {james was right to keep Susan from seeing te newspaper, but it was too late. Powerful twist on Billy's terrible betrayal.}
You just keep raising the stakes for the Mathew's shattered family. again, I feel like you put your readers right in the skins of James, Charlie, Susan and Martha. What more can I say. I get great mental images of everything in this story, but you still have to settle for virtual Irish hugs. You know how FanStory hangs onto its stars.
Love and hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 24-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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I will always settle for an Irish hug over an extra star. Thanks so much for the excellent critique and catching the spag in the title too.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
how heartbreaking that because of her putrid boyfriend Susan tried to commit suicide. Chapter nine is vivid in imagery and awesomely written. Your delve in to the deterioration of the family due to the bad acts of their father. Your narrative is great with excellent dialogue. It's sad James lied to his brother about still loving their father. James is right to hate the bastard for his evil deeds. The head line sickened me. If I recall don't they learn that their father forced himself upon Susan in an incestuous relationship and that's why she tried to kill herself? Keep up the superb writing, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Sasha,
how heartbreaking that because of her putrid boyfriend Susan tried to commit suicide. Chapter nine is vivid in imagery and awesomely written. Your delve in to the deterioration of the family due to the bad acts of their father. Your narrative is great with excellent dialogue. It's sad James lied to his brother about still loving their father. James is right to hate the bastard for his evil deeds. The head line sickened me. If I recall don't they learn that their father forced himself upon Susan in an incestuous relationship and that's why she tried to kill herself? Keep up the superb writing, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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No the relationship between Susan and her father (if there was one) has not been addressed yet. The reader is left to wonder if in fact there was one. I will clarify this later.
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I get it. Please keep the chapters coming. How's the weather over in your part of paradise?
Melissa.
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Great! Sunny all day, a bit cool in the morning and evening but nothing like winter up north.
Comment from Readywriter52
Charlie and James are trying to relieve the stress by taking a walk. While they were out, they read the lies that Billy told the papers about Susan. When they get back, they find Susan in the bathroom. She tried to commit suicide. The stress is getting harder to bear.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Charlie and James are trying to relieve the stress by taking a walk. While they were out, they read the lies that Billy told the papers about Susan. When they get back, they find Susan in the bathroom. She tried to commit suicide. The stress is getting harder to bear.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Thank you very much for your thorough critique of this chapter. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from fictionwriter
This is a terrible way to have someone who was supposed to care about you act, but then teenagers are fickle. Very vivid. Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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This is a terrible way to have someone who was supposed to care about you act, but then teenagers are fickle. Very vivid. Great job.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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It is amazing what someone will do for their 15 minutes of fame. Sadly, it happens all the time.
Comment from Realist101
Oh boy, this is heating up, this is very realistic Sasha. Our lives are so very affected by things that we have no control over, and your characters really jump off the page here. More wonderful dialogue and great, but sad/depressing action. Very interesting and well done Sasha!! I'm trying to get caught up! ") ps...so, are you near a warm beach?? If so, go out when you can, WEAR YOUR Hat! ") And sit there for me, for just a few minutes? HUG! Susan
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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Oh boy, this is heating up, this is very realistic Sasha. Our lives are so very affected by things that we have no control over, and your characters really jump off the page here. More wonderful dialogue and great, but sad/depressing action. Very interesting and well done Sasha!! I'm trying to get caught up! ") ps...so, are you near a warm beach?? If so, go out when you can, WEAR YOUR Hat! ") And sit there for me, for just a few minutes? HUG! Susan
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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I am pleased you find this interesting. I definitely plan to wear both sunglasses and a hat from now on. I'm taking a day off so probably won't post another chapter until Monday or Tuesday. I'm glad you liked this one.
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") Enjoy a break Sasha! Stay safe!! ") Suse