The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A Moment of Reflection"A family learns their father is a serial killer
30 total reviews
Comment from Cali Girl
The way you use description is amazing. Really brings me into the scene so that I can actually see everything happening in front of me.
James seems to be the same strong man he was in the previous version, but Mom is stronger.
Looking forward to reading what you have in store for these characters.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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The way you use description is amazing. Really brings me into the scene so that I can actually see everything happening in front of me.
James seems to be the same strong man he was in the previous version, but Mom is stronger.
Looking forward to reading what you have in store for these characters.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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The major changes are yet to come, up until now I have been focusing a deeper defining of the characters. I am pleased you like it so far.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
I'm sorry I missed this chapter, I'm so behind. You've written another superb chapter. James is realized the impact of what his father has done. The entire family will be blamed for what his father did and that's sad. In reality the family of the insane young man who killed six in Arizona is experiencing the fall-out from their son's heinous crime. In my opinion because of his actions the family is victims of his violent murderous rampage. I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your rewrite. Rock on with your superb writing, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Sasha,
I'm sorry I missed this chapter, I'm so behind. You've written another superb chapter. James is realized the impact of what his father has done. The entire family will be blamed for what his father did and that's sad. In reality the family of the insane young man who killed six in Arizona is experiencing the fall-out from their son's heinous crime. In my opinion because of his actions the family is victims of his violent murderous rampage. I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your rewrite. Rock on with your superb writing, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for your positive and encouraging comments. I am thrilled you are enjoying this.
Comment from marcii
James is trying to stay strong for his family and although he is eighteen he is still a child. This would be a terrible thing to go through for anyone.
Marcii
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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James is trying to stay strong for his family and although he is eighteen he is still a child. This would be a terrible thing to go through for anyone.
Marcii
Comment Written 21-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Yes, the strain on a family over something like this is devastating. Many never fully recover, some break up and go their own way.
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The strain of something like this on a family can be devastating. May do not survive. They turn on each other and/or break up and go their own way.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
this chapter is a magnificent feast of raw emotions swirling through an overworked brain. The Mathews family should be resting after a terrible day of horrific revelations. James tries to process his father's indescribable acts, but simply goes into overload.
In only a few hours you have transformed the Mathews family from a typical American family into a clan led by an evil predator who kills young women for ....what? The thrill? The ultimate control over an innocent life? The fulfillment of an evil fantasy brought to life? Who could ever know?
You skillfully show James' struggle to understand and the inability of even his brilliant mind to cope with the reality of cataclysmic acts of his father.
I especially like:
1. Then Charlie did something he had never done before. He kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love you," sealing it with a hug that nearly squeezed all the air out of my lungs....Charlie and I walked over to the couch and knelt in front of Mom and Susan. Without speaking, we put our arms around each other. The soft humming sound of their gentle sobs could be heard floating above the strange looking ball of intertwined arms grasping desperately for something to cling to. Their sobs quickly turned into deep moans of agony that vibrated violently through each of us. {A renewed bond between the brothers.}
2. Charlie and I walked over to the couch and knelt in front of Mom and Susan. Without speaking, we put our arms around each other. The soft humming sound of their gentle sobs could be heard floating above the strange looking ball of intertwined arms grasping desperately for something to cling to. {uniting as a family left only with each other.}
Again I feel the great power of this story and picture it as a classic story destined to be a memorable movie. I can't think of it otherwise.
Once more FanStory refuses to allow six stars, but you can have as many of my virtual Irish hugs as you desire,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
this chapter is a magnificent feast of raw emotions swirling through an overworked brain. The Mathews family should be resting after a terrible day of horrific revelations. James tries to process his father's indescribable acts, but simply goes into overload.
In only a few hours you have transformed the Mathews family from a typical American family into a clan led by an evil predator who kills young women for ....what? The thrill? The ultimate control over an innocent life? The fulfillment of an evil fantasy brought to life? Who could ever know?
You skillfully show James' struggle to understand and the inability of even his brilliant mind to cope with the reality of cataclysmic acts of his father.
I especially like:
1. Then Charlie did something he had never done before. He kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love you," sealing it with a hug that nearly squeezed all the air out of my lungs....Charlie and I walked over to the couch and knelt in front of Mom and Susan. Without speaking, we put our arms around each other. The soft humming sound of their gentle sobs could be heard floating above the strange looking ball of intertwined arms grasping desperately for something to cling to. Their sobs quickly turned into deep moans of agony that vibrated violently through each of us. {A renewed bond between the brothers.}
2. Charlie and I walked over to the couch and knelt in front of Mom and Susan. Without speaking, we put our arms around each other. The soft humming sound of their gentle sobs could be heard floating above the strange looking ball of intertwined arms grasping desperately for something to cling to. {uniting as a family left only with each other.}
Again I feel the great power of this story and picture it as a classic story destined to be a memorable movie. I can't think of it otherwise.
Once more FanStory refuses to allow six stars, but you can have as many of my virtual Irish hugs as you desire,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2011
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I cannot thank you enough for your enthusiastic and amazingly thorough critique of this book. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Comment from Tellis
This has so many raw emotions in it that I could almost feel them. I enjoyed this chapter and it is written very well.
Tellis
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2011
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This has so many raw emotions in it that I could almost feel them. I enjoyed this chapter and it is written very well.
Tellis
Comment Written 18-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2011
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Thank you very much.
Comment from vickib
I had not read that, I missed that chapter, so I wasn't caught up like I thought. Gee wiz Valerie, it sure seems real, full of emotion. I'm glad he finally cried and Mom is so like my mom. Close or not moms can stir emotion like no one else. This is an amazing job of getting these personalities across in a way you can truly feel. Or at least I can. Super job I'm in awe. Also Valerie I'm not used to reviewing stories or chapters much. Remember I've been all consumed with poetry, so tell me what you look for in a review and maybe I can be a better reviewer of your chapters. How long does it take you for each chapter about? XO Vicki
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2011
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I had not read that, I missed that chapter, so I wasn't caught up like I thought. Gee wiz Valerie, it sure seems real, full of emotion. I'm glad he finally cried and Mom is so like my mom. Close or not moms can stir emotion like no one else. This is an amazing job of getting these personalities across in a way you can truly feel. Or at least I can. Super job I'm in awe. Also Valerie I'm not used to reviewing stories or chapters much. Remember I've been all consumed with poetry, so tell me what you look for in a review and maybe I can be a better reviewer of your chapters. How long does it take you for each chapter about? XO Vicki
Comment Written 18-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for the awesome 6 stars. I am thrilled you liked this one that much.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
There's been another chapter I read which
was excellent and deserving of a six, but
I didn't have one to give. Today, I have.
This is an exceptional chapter which I thoroughly enjoyed -I could feel each of the character's emotions - a sign of a great writer - you are such a natural, Sasha.
One little mention...
Eventually, as though a silent, invisible internal alarm had gone off at exactly the same time, signaling they had used up their allotted tears, we stood up and, without saying a word, [we] went to bed.
altho by joining these sentences, it makes a rather long one, I think it needs to be a run-on sentence. And you could lose the 2nd "we"
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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There's been another chapter I read which
was excellent and deserving of a six, but
I didn't have one to give. Today, I have.
This is an exceptional chapter which I thoroughly enjoyed -I could feel each of the character's emotions - a sign of a great writer - you are such a natural, Sasha.
One little mention...
Eventually, as though a silent, invisible internal alarm had gone off at exactly the same time, signaling they had used up their allotted tears, we stood up and, without saying a word, [we] went to bed.
altho by joining these sentences, it makes a rather long one, I think it needs to be a run-on sentence. And you could lose the 2nd "we"
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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That is an awkward sentence and definitely needs rewording. Thanks for the suggestion, I will go back and see what I can do with it. Thanks so much for the marvelous 6 stars too.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Val. I am always in awe of your writing. This chapter just serves to re-enforce my belief. I love your writer's voice and imagery:
"Exhaustion weighed so heavily on my eyelids I could hardly hold them open, yet sleep eluded me. My brain had become my enemy. It raced frantically from one horrific image to another while, at the same time, my emotions were fighting a losing battle with each other. All my feelings were tied into a single, giant twisted knot of rage, fear, sadness, frustration, love, hate, despair, ambivalence, emptiness, and worst of all, grief. If I could face each one individually, maybe I could somehow find a way to deal with what was happening; but not all of them at the same time. Beneath the giant knot were the tears I could not release. They were literally pinned under the weight of the violent battle of emotions being fought above them."
Bravo! Take care. You are a wonderful writer. Bob
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Hi, Val. I am always in awe of your writing. This chapter just serves to re-enforce my belief. I love your writer's voice and imagery:
"Exhaustion weighed so heavily on my eyelids I could hardly hold them open, yet sleep eluded me. My brain had become my enemy. It raced frantically from one horrific image to another while, at the same time, my emotions were fighting a losing battle with each other. All my feelings were tied into a single, giant twisted knot of rage, fear, sadness, frustration, love, hate, despair, ambivalence, emptiness, and worst of all, grief. If I could face each one individually, maybe I could somehow find a way to deal with what was happening; but not all of them at the same time. Beneath the giant knot were the tears I could not release. They were literally pinned under the weight of the violent battle of emotions being fought above them."
Bravo! Take care. You are a wonderful writer. Bob
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thank you so very much. I value and always look forward to your opinion. Thanks you for the marvelous 6 stars too, I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from Showboat
Sasha, darling,
EE is evil and must be avoided at all costs. I use apostrophes for internal dialogue because I don't DARE get EE involved. He infests my entire chapter with ??????'s. True story. Bugger.
Excellent chapter, very realistic and true to life. My only suggestion would be to beef up your dialogue.
:..slowly ticked by, was excruciating...' You can lose the comma. Charlie was asleep ... how about, Charlie slept??
I thought I'd give you a line-by with this par, just to show you I'm up to speed! :)
You wrote:...I was exhausted. My eyelids were so heavy I could hardly hold them open, yet sleep eluded me. My brain had become my enemy. It raced frantically from one horrific image to another while, at the same time, my emotions were fighting a losing battle with each other. All my feelings were tied into a single, giant twisted knot of rage, fear, sadness, frustration, love, hate, despair, ambivalence, emptiness, and worst of all, grief. If I could face each one individually, maybe I could somehow find a way to deal with what was happening; but not all of them at the same time.
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Me:...Exhaustion made my eyelids so heavy, keeping my eyes open seemed almost impossible, yet I couldn't sleep. My enemy brain raced frantically from one horrific scene to another and my emotions fought a losing battle with each other. All my emotions, love, anger, rage, fury, they all melded into one huge hatred. If I faced even one, I could overcome them all, just not at the same time..."
Okay, great story, I'm panting for more, sweet Sasha!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Sasha, darling,
EE is evil and must be avoided at all costs. I use apostrophes for internal dialogue because I don't DARE get EE involved. He infests my entire chapter with ??????'s. True story. Bugger.
Excellent chapter, very realistic and true to life. My only suggestion would be to beef up your dialogue.
:..slowly ticked by, was excruciating...' You can lose the comma. Charlie was asleep ... how about, Charlie slept??
I thought I'd give you a line-by with this par, just to show you I'm up to speed! :)
You wrote:...I was exhausted. My eyelids were so heavy I could hardly hold them open, yet sleep eluded me. My brain had become my enemy. It raced frantically from one horrific image to another while, at the same time, my emotions were fighting a losing battle with each other. All my feelings were tied into a single, giant twisted knot of rage, fear, sadness, frustration, love, hate, despair, ambivalence, emptiness, and worst of all, grief. If I could face each one individually, maybe I could somehow find a way to deal with what was happening; but not all of them at the same time.
***
Me:...Exhaustion made my eyelids so heavy, keeping my eyes open seemed almost impossible, yet I couldn't sleep. My enemy brain raced frantically from one horrific scene to another and my emotions fought a losing battle with each other. All my emotions, love, anger, rage, fury, they all melded into one huge hatred. If I faced even one, I could overcome them all, just not at the same time..."
Okay, great story, I'm panting for more, sweet Sasha!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thanks for the feedback. I'll go back over the chapter and see what I can do with it. I always look forward to and appreciate your input.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Sasha! VERY good! I was really there, with your details and vivid emotions so well described! Horrible tragedy, this family needs to walk away from the father. There are just some things we cannot let go. OH, and I went over this to check spelling, and could not SEE any misspells! I hope I am right! I have trouble too with EE at times. Keep at it, sometimes the editor will work another day! ") Love you!! Susan
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Hi Sasha! VERY good! I was really there, with your details and vivid emotions so well described! Horrible tragedy, this family needs to walk away from the father. There are just some things we cannot let go. OH, and I went over this to check spelling, and could not SEE any misspells! I hope I am right! I have trouble too with EE at times. Keep at it, sometimes the editor will work another day! ") Love you!! Susan
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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I am thrilled you liked this chapter. I love this story and love getting inside peoples head.
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") You should have been a shrink Sasha! ") LOTS of money in that! But better yet, I want to see your book as a movie!! HUGS!! Suse