The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Evidence"A family learns their father is a serial killer
39 total reviews
Comment from raw form
This chapter had suspens and a great build up to the family finally finding out what their husband/dad has been up to you wrote this very well with all the elements to keep this bad boy moving along and hooking the reader at the same time.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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This chapter had suspens and a great build up to the family finally finding out what their husband/dad has been up to you wrote this very well with all the elements to keep this bad boy moving along and hooking the reader at the same time.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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The evidence is pretty compelling and doesn't leave much room for doubt. I am pleased you continue to find this interesting.
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Oh yeah, I cant stop now.
Comment from Cali Girl
Fantastic chapter. You explained all the investigation and forensic information brilliantly. Can't wait to find out how they all deal with this information, collectively and separately.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Fantastic chapter. You explained all the investigation and forensic information brilliantly. Can't wait to find out how they all deal with this information, collectively and separately.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Thank you so very much. I was concerned that it might be too technical but it seems most have liked it. Thanks for your continued interest in this story.
Comment from marcii
Even though with all that James had found in the tool box it wouldn't have totally been enough evidence for it could have been the grandfather that was the killer till he died and his son found out and kept the stuff for some reason but why would he have the killing kit still in his car.
Great chapter.
Marcii
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2011
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Even though with all that James had found in the tool box it wouldn't have totally been enough evidence for it could have been the grandfather that was the killer till he died and his son found out and kept the stuff for some reason but why would he have the killing kit still in his car.
Great chapter.
Marcii
Comment Written 21-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2011
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Yes, that is why they couldn't arrest him until the forensic evidence came back.
Comment from vickib
He seems like a sloppy serial killer. Leaving so much around. Maybe he is being set up, or just overly confident that he wouldn't get caught. Can't wait to see what he has to say. Very good great conversations, seems very real and true to life in what people would say and how they would act during a time like that.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2011
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He seems like a sloppy serial killer. Leaving so much around. Maybe he is being set up, or just overly confident that he wouldn't get caught. Can't wait to see what he has to say. Very good great conversations, seems very real and true to life in what people would say and how they would act during a time like that.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2011
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He is an arrogant, overly confident man. I will get into his character as the story progresses. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Showboat
Hey Sasha,
Good one here and I look forward to more chapters. It's a sad and truly unfair happenstance when the children and spouse have to take the brunt of the hatred the community feels for a serial killer. Excellent presentation, m'dear.
"Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously." Great visual and fabulous imagery. Yep, that's how it feels.
Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump stuck (**stick**?) in my throat as a painful sadness welled (up) in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I could feel (**felt**) them; I just couldn't find a way to release them. I looked at Mr. Hurley and praying he would say no, I asked, "Is there anything else we should know?"
Excellent chapter, didn't see anything much but what I mentioned above. I'm going to the bank tomorrow and set up an automatic payout thingy, so money's on the way!
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Hey Sasha,
Good one here and I look forward to more chapters. It's a sad and truly unfair happenstance when the children and spouse have to take the brunt of the hatred the community feels for a serial killer. Excellent presentation, m'dear.
"Looking like four puppets connected by the same string, we all nodded simultaneously." Great visual and fabulous imagery. Yep, that's how it feels.
Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump stuck (**stick**?) in my throat as a painful sadness welled (up) in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I could feel (**felt**) them; I just couldn't find a way to release them. I looked at Mr. Hurley and praying he would say no, I asked, "Is there anything else we should know?"
Excellent chapter, didn't see anything much but what I mentioned above. I'm going to the bank tomorrow and set up an automatic payout thingy, so money's on the way!
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. I am thrilled you liked this chapter. I was an emotional one to write.
Comment from gene_ink
I found only one small edit point indicated below. The piece is written to well to be effected by one small error. Your descriptions are done well and the story develops like a professional.
Gene-is going (to) be public domain.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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I found only one small edit point indicated below. The piece is written to well to be effected by one small error. Your descriptions are done well and the story develops like a professional.
Gene-is going (to) be public domain.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for catching the spag. And thank you even more for the marvelous 6 stars. I am thrilled you felt it deserved it.
Comment from Southern Writer
Mr. Hurley is a good character. Fat and plain spoken.
Oh, Lord, a kill kit! Pliers, wire....I don't even want to know the details.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Mr. Hurley is a good character. Fat and plain spoken.
Oh, Lord, a kill kit! Pliers, wire....I don't even want to know the details.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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either do I. I am not much of a blood and gore person. I let the reader fill in the blanks....Glad you liked this one.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
This novel gets better with each post. I can see it headed for the stars. Thank you for sharing your great revisions. As usual, I have some specific comments, but note I can't see a way to improve it more:
1. Susan did not bother to hide her anger over what she described as my betrayal of Dad. Mom looked like a beaten puppy and Charlie's hateful glares only confirmed my fear the family was on the verge of disintegrating before my eyes. {Denial has set in. This seems realistic for the shock the family has yet to completely process.}
2. I took a seat at the table across from Mr. Hurley. When Charlie poured himself a cup of coffee, I noticed he did not add his usual cream and sugar. I could only interpret this as his way of showing loyalty by drinking his coffee black, the way Dad did. {Astute observation. Nice touch!}
3. Mr. Hurley explained how the family members needed to act. I particular he Told Charlie to cool off ans be polite. It was clear that the lawyer wanted to protect the family as much as possible. {I think this is extremely well written.}
4. Mr. Hurley detailed the evidence against John Mathews in a way that seemed to make his impossible actions believable. At last the truth takes over:
Susan put her arms around Mom's neck and started to cry. Hugging each other, they both began to sob uncontrollably.
Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump stuck in my throat as a painful sadness welled up in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I could feel them; I just couldn't find a way to release them. I looked at Mr. Hurley and praying he would say no, I asked, "Is there anything else we should know?" {Last came the details of the "kill kit" and life for the Mathews family would never be normal again.}
This is a brilliantly written, emotionally impactful chapter. It is easy to see this novel as a best seller and eventually a powerful movie. I am amazed by how much you are improving the story since I read the first draft.
Love and Irish hugs for a great job.
Roger
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
This novel gets better with each post. I can see it headed for the stars. Thank you for sharing your great revisions. As usual, I have some specific comments, but note I can't see a way to improve it more:
1. Susan did not bother to hide her anger over what she described as my betrayal of Dad. Mom looked like a beaten puppy and Charlie's hateful glares only confirmed my fear the family was on the verge of disintegrating before my eyes. {Denial has set in. This seems realistic for the shock the family has yet to completely process.}
2. I took a seat at the table across from Mr. Hurley. When Charlie poured himself a cup of coffee, I noticed he did not add his usual cream and sugar. I could only interpret this as his way of showing loyalty by drinking his coffee black, the way Dad did. {Astute observation. Nice touch!}
3. Mr. Hurley explained how the family members needed to act. I particular he Told Charlie to cool off ans be polite. It was clear that the lawyer wanted to protect the family as much as possible. {I think this is extremely well written.}
4. Mr. Hurley detailed the evidence against John Mathews in a way that seemed to make his impossible actions believable. At last the truth takes over:
Susan put her arms around Mom's neck and started to cry. Hugging each other, they both began to sob uncontrollably.
Charlie buried his face in his hands and tried to hide the sobs coming from deep inside his chest. I felt a large lump stuck in my throat as a painful sadness welled up in my chest, but the tears did not appear. They were there, I could feel them; I just couldn't find a way to release them. I looked at Mr. Hurley and praying he would say no, I asked, "Is there anything else we should know?" {Last came the details of the "kill kit" and life for the Mathews family would never be normal again.}
This is a brilliantly written, emotionally impactful chapter. It is easy to see this novel as a best seller and eventually a powerful movie. I am amazed by how much you are improving the story since I read the first draft.
Love and Irish hugs for a great job.
Roger
Comment Written 15-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2011
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I am so please you like the changes. I felt the family needed to be presented with more depth. I plan to do the same with the father,although his will be 99 percent observation since he is not going to be much of a talker.
Comment from toni guerrero
Wow what a dramatic piece. A well written story with great concise statements and good verbal structure. Easy to read and understand the main person that has comitted the murders.Overall a good story. Keep up the great energy and
in your writing journey.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2011
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Wow what a dramatic piece. A well written story with great concise statements and good verbal structure. Easy to read and understand the main person that has comitted the murders.Overall a good story. Keep up the great energy and
in your writing journey.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for your positive review. I am sincerely pleased you liked this chapter.
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you are so welcome
Comment from Readywriter52
Mr. Hurley has the difficult job of telling the family the evidence that the police have against their father and husband. Mr. Hurley is not at liberty to tell them everything. But what he tells them is more than they want to hear.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2011
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Mr. Hurley has the difficult job of telling the family the evidence that the police have against their father and husband. Mr. Hurley is not at liberty to tell them everything. But what he tells them is more than they want to hear.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2011
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Thank you for the positive review.
