The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Mathews Family"A family learns their father is a serial killer
35 total reviews
Comment from raw form
SG I am digging the way you are writing this and I like the way you are building the suspense of what will happen next I will read on as time permits and hopefully by the time I get through all that you have written there will be more for me to continue. The only thing I would suggest is instead of serial killer would be serial murderer as they are often reffered to by law enforcement to give it an extra kick other than that I really like the angle you chose to write this story from.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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SG I am digging the way you are writing this and I like the way you are building the suspense of what will happen next I will read on as time permits and hopefully by the time I get through all that you have written there will be more for me to continue. The only thing I would suggest is instead of serial killer would be serial murderer as they are often reffered to by law enforcement to give it an extra kick other than that I really like the angle you chose to write this story from.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
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I had a hard time with that one, law enforcement does refer to them as serial murderers yet the general public still falls back onto the original 'serial killer' when describing them. But you make a good point and I will go back over the entire book when I do my edit to make sure it is serial murderer and consistent. thanks for the great review and helpful comments.
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I know what you mean SG but thanks for the consideration I actually feel helpful for once LOL
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I take all suggestions seriously and appreciate them all.
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Cool Beans SG
Comment from marcii
It would take guts to dob in your own Dad to the cops. Then on top of that not say anything to your mum.
A good chapter that showed us more about James and his personality.
Marcii
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2011
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It would take guts to dob in your own Dad to the cops. Then on top of that not say anything to your mum.
A good chapter that showed us more about James and his personality.
Marcii
Comment Written 21-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2011
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Thanks I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from vickib
I'm into it. You are creating an excellent picture of this family. I like the size of the chapters too, I feel like they are the perfect length, I get overwhelmed if I open a chapter and can't find the end.
Does James have thick black glasses and a lazy eye? LOL! That's Ted my brother I told you about. He was cross eyed and had surgery which made one eye still wonder off while he was talking to you. LOL Again!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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I'm into it. You are creating an excellent picture of this family. I like the size of the chapters too, I feel like they are the perfect length, I get overwhelmed if I open a chapter and can't find the end.
Does James have thick black glasses and a lazy eye? LOL! That's Ted my brother I told you about. He was cross eyed and had surgery which made one eye still wonder off while he was talking to you. LOL Again!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Sorry, James is a sweet, innocent little nerd that, while obviously very smart, lacks to social skills to interact with people in general. I am thrilled you like this. I love writing about getting inside the heads of people.
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I like that better, sweet, innocent. I've never tried it but you do a great job with it.
Comment from Cali Girl
Another fantastic chapter. I love being able to read more about what the family were like before the discovery about their father. It also underscores the fact that you never know if someone is a murderer, which just makes it extra scary.
Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
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Another fantastic chapter. I love being able to read more about what the family were like before the discovery about their father. It also underscores the fact that you never know if someone is a murderer, which just makes it extra scary.
Well done.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
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Yes, it is a scary thought to discover you have been living with someone you actually don't really know. I know it would shock me. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Aski
Good portrayal of the complex feelings about the father. While it was all negative the various contributing factors gave a good description of home life, including sibling relations. The hard to believe he's a killer even in the face of what he found and what he felt for his father demonstrates the challenge in accepting the fact his father is a killer. At this point in the story it even leaves the reader hoping he is right in his doubt.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Good portrayal of the complex feelings about the father. While it was all negative the various contributing factors gave a good description of home life, including sibling relations. The hard to believe he's a killer even in the face of what he found and what he felt for his father demonstrates the challenge in accepting the fact his father is a killer. At this point in the story it even leaves the reader hoping he is right in his doubt.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for your positive and enthusiastic review. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
I really like this chapter. you have an excellent introduction to the family history and the setting of the cabin by the Stillaguamish River. I have visited the tulip fields and also flown over them, so I know your description if this beautiful and quiet area is accurate. I especially like the peaceful nature of the area as it contrasts the horror of the story still to unfold.
You do an excellent job of introducing the family as it appeared before the sinister specter of Dad's activities changed everything in James' world. I like your description of the emotional impact that is unfolding layer by layer. You are a master storyteller that brings fictional situations to life with grim realism.
I looked over the other reviews and noted that most SPAG is corrected. Keep up the great revision. This is the type of story that has best seller attraction. Keep up the good work.
I still can't get six stars from FanStory, so just fee the love ans virtual Irish hugs.
Roger
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
I really like this chapter. you have an excellent introduction to the family history and the setting of the cabin by the Stillaguamish River. I have visited the tulip fields and also flown over them, so I know your description if this beautiful and quiet area is accurate. I especially like the peaceful nature of the area as it contrasts the horror of the story still to unfold.
You do an excellent job of introducing the family as it appeared before the sinister specter of Dad's activities changed everything in James' world. I like your description of the emotional impact that is unfolding layer by layer. You are a master storyteller that brings fictional situations to life with grim realism.
I looked over the other reviews and noted that most SPAG is corrected. Keep up the great revision. This is the type of story that has best seller attraction. Keep up the good work.
I still can't get six stars from FanStory, so just fee the love ans virtual Irish hugs.
Roger
Comment Written 10-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for the great review. I am pleased you like the changes and hope the rest meets with your approval too.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a wonderful piece of descriptive writing, which drew me in from the beginning and held my attention throughout. What a terrible thing to find out about one's own father - a shock, to say the least.
in Seattle and Redmond(,) as well as - add comma
above the horizon(,) promising a happy ending
I glanced up and down the street(,) looking for
be as smart as I (was) - add
went into my bedroom[,] and shut the door - comma not necessary
So well penned, Sasha.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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This is a wonderful piece of descriptive writing, which drew me in from the beginning and held my attention throughout. What a terrible thing to find out about one's own father - a shock, to say the least.
in Seattle and Redmond(,) as well as - add comma
above the horizon(,) promising a happy ending
I glanced up and down the street(,) looking for
be as smart as I (was) - add
went into my bedroom[,] and shut the door - comma not necessary
So well penned, Sasha.
Margaret.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. I am thrilled you liked this one.
Comment from L.lora
Excellent, wonderful--well
thought out and smooth flowing
leading your reader on a trip of
suspense, highten emotions--right
at the edge and anticipation. Can't
wait for your next post. Your character
study is indepth and meticulous...great
stuff.
"Standing in the open (the=?) doorway to the kitchen,"
Lora
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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Excellent, wonderful--well
thought out and smooth flowing
leading your reader on a trip of
suspense, highten emotions--right
at the edge and anticipation. Can't
wait for your next post. Your character
study is indepth and meticulous...great
stuff.
"Standing in the open (the=?) doorway to the kitchen,"
Lora
Comment Written 09-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much. I am thrilled you liked this one.
Comment from Readywriter52
This looks like the calm before the calm. James has comes home and everything looks normal. But tomorrow everything will change. He knows he will have made everyone unhappy.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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This looks like the calm before the calm. James has comes home and everything looks normal. But tomorrow everything will change. He knows he will have made everyone unhappy.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2011
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Yes, tomorrow is going to be bad day for everyone. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
I have one last six to dole out and you will be the recipient. Outstanding narrative in chapter two. You did a fabulous job on this rewrite. Exciting read with James awaiting the swat teem stormed the house. The tension was nail biting because like James we know about the pending arrest of his serial killer father. Bravo and keep up the top notch rewrite, my friend. Rock on in 2011.
Melissa.
Rock on in 2011,
Melissa.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
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Sasha,
I have one last six to dole out and you will be the recipient. Outstanding narrative in chapter two. You did a fabulous job on this rewrite. Exciting read with James awaiting the swat teem stormed the house. The tension was nail biting because like James we know about the pending arrest of his serial killer father. Bravo and keep up the top notch rewrite, my friend. Rock on in 2011.
Melissa.
Rock on in 2011,
Melissa.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
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Thanks so much for the awesome 6 stars. I am thrilled you enjoyed this one. I hope to post two chapters a week so not to keep everyone in too much suspense.