Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Newspaper"One Man's Return From Hell
54 total reviews
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bill, this is fascinating...great dialogue too, you always have it so realistic. I like the phrase, "the universal{,}/omit? law enforcement staple, donuts. Good one. SO true, altho I sure like them too! Filling, and sweet! This story has much mystery to it, and your characters are all believable Bill. Hope I can get caught up with this. Smiles, Susan
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
  |
Hi Bill, this is fascinating...great dialogue too, you always have it so realistic. I like the phrase, "the universal{,}/omit? law enforcement staple, donuts. Good one. SO true, altho I sure like them too! Filling, and sweet! This story has much mystery to it, and your characters are all believable Bill. Hope I can get caught up with this. Smiles, Susan
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
-
Thanks for reading Susan and for supporting this book. Warm regards, Bill
-
You're welcome, I promise to try and get caught up asap!! "/ Susan
Comment from prophetess
This is a well written story. I saw no spag. It's structure and flow made for an easy and fluid read. The characters are believable and the scenes realistic. It held my attention all the way through. Good job.
Prophetess
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
|
This is a well written story. I saw no spag. It's structure and flow made for an easy and fluid read. The characters are believable and the scenes realistic. It held my attention all the way through. Good job.
Prophetess
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
-
Thank you very much for reading and for your kind and generous feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Wow! I think you've made the transition from technical writing beautifully. I've just stepped into the middle of things and I find well drawn, believeable characters, enough technical information to be convincing without being overwhelming, and a sense that you know exactly where you're headed with this. Thanks for the great read.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
|
Wow! I think you've made the transition from technical writing beautifully. I've just stepped into the middle of things and I find well drawn, believeable characters, enough technical information to be convincing without being overwhelming, and a sense that you know exactly where you're headed with this. Thanks for the great read.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
-
Thank you very much for reading and for your kind feedback! Regards, Bill
Comment from jaeladarling
I enjoyed reading this bit. Thanks for the introductory and previous chapter notes, as well as the character list at the bottom. I don't mind coming in the middle of stories, but those really helped!
I do have some technical suggestions for you:
"Dax Connor is in fact, an" (Either remove the comma or add a second one after "is")
"Like the snake, these guys are bad news. (You missed the end quotation.)
"An aged, but proud sign announced, The Hurstville Post." (This should be, "An aged, but proud, sign announced, "The Hurstville Post." OR, "An aged but proud sign announced, "The Hurstville Post.")
"In smaller letters, Founded 1916." (Put "Founded 1916" in quotes.)
"The newspaper was founded by Beth's grandfather and great uncle. Later her father and uncle ran it." (Just a suggestion ONLY, that you combine these two simple sentences into a more complex one: "The newspaper was founded by Beth's grandfather and great uncle, and then later run by her father and uncle.")
"Now, she and Lael, were publisher, editor and..." (Remove the second comma.)
"...recent Journalism major from the University of Georgia, as copy..." (Either remove the comma or add one after "major".)
"...a living, breathing, entity." (Remove the comma.)
"...two drug dealers, should be pretty riveting." (Remove the comma.)
"Lael, looked up from her coffee." (No comma.)
"Yeah, Jimmy and our house guest, Dax left for..." (Either remove the comma after "guest" or add one after "Dax".)
"...when it blew up and most likely, there was..." (Move the comma to after "up".)
"Nikki, gave me some pretty good..." (No comma.)
"I guess I scooped you Lael." (Comma after "you".)
"Do we have enough of a story to make this afternoon's edition." (Change the period to a question mark.)
"I could have taken a job in Atlanta, but came home instead." (No comma, OR add "I" after "but".)
"...and the universal, law enforcement staple, donuts." (No comma after "universal".)
"What do you mean Dax?" (Comma after "mean".)
"...and a half feet The smaller footprint..." (Period after "feet".)
"The actual explosive itself, would suggest..." (No comma.)
"...Viet Nam days." (I thought "Vietnam" is one word, like the country?)
"It's sometimes even called, the poor mans booby trap." (This should read, "It's sometimes even called 'the poor man's booby trap.'")
"...with the murders, a 22 caliber, semi automatic pistol." (Change the first comma to a semi-colon.)
Okay, these three paragraphs need a simple change. Remove the quotation marks after "manufacturer" and "trap". This allows the continuation of the quote into the next paragraph and shows the reader that the same person is still talking. Here they are WITH the change:
Dax smiled. "Don't sell yourself short. You also found the two sets of footprints in the dust under the window. It was quite obvious that they came from two different people. The photographer put a scale beside each print. One was an approximate size 11, the other an approximate 7 ½. There are charts that will equate to size. While there is no certainty, a size 11 indicates an individual 6 feet or taller. A 7 ½ would suggest a person five and a half feet The smaller footprint showed no pattern. The larger one had a definite pattern. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation can run that pattern against the Soulmate® data-base and give you the manufacturer.
"The actual explosive itself, would suggest to me that the person who set this up has some military background. Bailey knew the device from Viet Nam days. Most military, world wide, would know of a device suppressing the arming lever of a fragmentation grenade. It's sometimes even called, the poor mans booby trap.
"So, in short, you should be looking for two suspects. One will be approximately six feet tall, the other around five and half feet. One or both might have military background. There is at least one weapon associated with the murders, a 22 caliber, semi automatic pistol. By the way, there is a possibility that the killers are from Mexico."
I hope this all helps. You've got a great story, regardless. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you! :)
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
|
I enjoyed reading this bit. Thanks for the introductory and previous chapter notes, as well as the character list at the bottom. I don't mind coming in the middle of stories, but those really helped!
I do have some technical suggestions for you:
"Dax Connor is in fact, an" (Either remove the comma or add a second one after "is")
"Like the snake, these guys are bad news. (You missed the end quotation.)
"An aged, but proud sign announced, The Hurstville Post." (This should be, "An aged, but proud, sign announced, "The Hurstville Post." OR, "An aged but proud sign announced, "The Hurstville Post.")
"In smaller letters, Founded 1916." (Put "Founded 1916" in quotes.)
"The newspaper was founded by Beth's grandfather and great uncle. Later her father and uncle ran it." (Just a suggestion ONLY, that you combine these two simple sentences into a more complex one: "The newspaper was founded by Beth's grandfather and great uncle, and then later run by her father and uncle.")
"Now, she and Lael, were publisher, editor and..." (Remove the second comma.)
"...recent Journalism major from the University of Georgia, as copy..." (Either remove the comma or add one after "major".)
"...a living, breathing, entity." (Remove the comma.)
"...two drug dealers, should be pretty riveting." (Remove the comma.)
"Lael, looked up from her coffee." (No comma.)
"Yeah, Jimmy and our house guest, Dax left for..." (Either remove the comma after "guest" or add one after "Dax".)
"...when it blew up and most likely, there was..." (Move the comma to after "up".)
"Nikki, gave me some pretty good..." (No comma.)
"I guess I scooped you Lael." (Comma after "you".)
"Do we have enough of a story to make this afternoon's edition." (Change the period to a question mark.)
"I could have taken a job in Atlanta, but came home instead." (No comma, OR add "I" after "but".)
"...and the universal, law enforcement staple, donuts." (No comma after "universal".)
"What do you mean Dax?" (Comma after "mean".)
"...and a half feet The smaller footprint..." (Period after "feet".)
"The actual explosive itself, would suggest..." (No comma.)
"...Viet Nam days." (I thought "Vietnam" is one word, like the country?)
"It's sometimes even called, the poor mans booby trap." (This should read, "It's sometimes even called 'the poor man's booby trap.'")
"...with the murders, a 22 caliber, semi automatic pistol." (Change the first comma to a semi-colon.)
Okay, these three paragraphs need a simple change. Remove the quotation marks after "manufacturer" and "trap". This allows the continuation of the quote into the next paragraph and shows the reader that the same person is still talking. Here they are WITH the change:
Dax smiled. "Don't sell yourself short. You also found the two sets of footprints in the dust under the window. It was quite obvious that they came from two different people. The photographer put a scale beside each print. One was an approximate size 11, the other an approximate 7 ½. There are charts that will equate to size. While there is no certainty, a size 11 indicates an individual 6 feet or taller. A 7 ½ would suggest a person five and a half feet The smaller footprint showed no pattern. The larger one had a definite pattern. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation can run that pattern against the Soulmate® data-base and give you the manufacturer.
"The actual explosive itself, would suggest to me that the person who set this up has some military background. Bailey knew the device from Viet Nam days. Most military, world wide, would know of a device suppressing the arming lever of a fragmentation grenade. It's sometimes even called, the poor mans booby trap.
"So, in short, you should be looking for two suspects. One will be approximately six feet tall, the other around five and half feet. One or both might have military background. There is at least one weapon associated with the murders, a 22 caliber, semi automatic pistol. By the way, there is a possibility that the killers are from Mexico."
I hope this all helps. You've got a great story, regardless. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you! :)
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
-
I appreciate you reading and especially for taking the time to help. Much appreciated. Regards, Bill
Comment from highlander104
Lot of story in this one. The crime scene investigation seems to be unfolding something more sinister than a meth lab operation. Anxiously awaiting the next chapter.
Enjoyable read.
Jean K.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
Lot of story in this one. The crime scene investigation seems to be unfolding something more sinister than a meth lab operation. Anxiously awaiting the next chapter.
Enjoyable read.
Jean K.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Thanks for reading Jean. I've outlined the next chapter and hope to have posted in the next couple of days. Thanks for your support of this story! Regards, Bill
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is a very enjoyable reading. A very interesting piece. I liked the believable dialogues, and your characters. I hope there will be a next chapter.
Well done Bhogg!
:)
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
This is a very enjoyable reading. A very interesting piece. I liked the believable dialogues, and your characters. I hope there will be a next chapter.
Well done Bhogg!
:)
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Thanks very much for reading. I have the next few chapters outlioned and hope to have posted soon. Thanks and regards, Bill
Comment from Teri7
This is the first time I have read any of your work but it seems to be a great chapter you have penned. Very good descriptive wording. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
This is the first time I have read any of your work but it seems to be a great chapter you have penned. Very good descriptive wording. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Thank you very much Teri! If you ever get a few extra minutes, chapter 1 is an introduction and chapter 2 is a lengthy back story about the primary character, Dax. Regards, Bill
-
Thank you for telling me that. I try to read and review when my health allows. Hugs, Teri
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great chapter for your book, the technical details sounded realistic, i look forward to reading the next chapter
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great chapter for your book, the technical details sounded realistic, i look forward to reading the next chapter
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Hi Pam - Thanks for reading and your support of this book. Very much appreciated. Regards, Bill
Comment from animatqua
This is a great job of catching the reader up on both the story line and the characters. It also moves the plot forward and keeps my interest.
What more can I say? This is on par with your usual good work.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
This is a great job of catching the reader up on both the story line and the characters. It also moves the plot forward and keeps my interest.
What more can I say? This is on par with your usual good work.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Thank you very much for reading and for your kind feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from rama devi
HI there B! This is a good chapter with good pacing, dialog and development (as far as I can tell without having read all previous chapters). I did not notice any spags or nits except I do recommend using ALPHABETS to spell out numbers, like here: One was an approximate size 11(ELEVEN), the other an approximate 7 ½(SEVEN-AND-A-HALF). There are charts that will equate to size. While there is no certainty, a size 11 indicates an individual 6SIX) feet or taller. A 7 ½ (SEVEN-AND-A-HALF)would suggest a person five and a half feet The smaller footprint showed no pattern. *from a 40(FORTY) grain, Aguila, ---Otherwise, this seems polished. Easy to read and true to life. Warm Regards, rd
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
|
HI there B! This is a good chapter with good pacing, dialog and development (as far as I can tell without having read all previous chapters). I did not notice any spags or nits except I do recommend using ALPHABETS to spell out numbers, like here: One was an approximate size 11(ELEVEN), the other an approximate 7 ½(SEVEN-AND-A-HALF). There are charts that will equate to size. While there is no certainty, a size 11 indicates an individual 6SIX) feet or taller. A 7 ½ (SEVEN-AND-A-HALF)would suggest a person five and a half feet The smaller footprint showed no pattern. *from a 40(FORTY) grain, Aguila, ---Otherwise, this seems polished. Easy to read and true to life. Warm Regards, rd
Comment Written 01-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2010
-
Thanks rd - one of those things. I would have sworn that I once changed those numbers. Regards, Bill
