Sories Poetically Speaking
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Disclosure"A complete story in written as a poem.
37 total reviews
Comment from Gabriella 2
wow
this poem is so beautiful and heart rending
it's so sad for the mother and you portrayed this really well.
good luck in the contest
Gabriella 2
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
  |
wow
this poem is so beautiful and heart rending
it's so sad for the mother and you portrayed this really well.
good luck in the contest
Gabriella 2
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you so much for the review and the lovely comments. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
Beth
Comment from Begin Again
Beth,
What a powerful and sad message you've written using the required words...It's true that some times we seek and seek an answer only to discover we'd rather not have known. Wonderful job!@
Carol
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
Beth,
What a powerful and sad message you've written using the required words...It's true that some times we seek and seek an answer only to discover we'd rather not have known. Wonderful job!@
Carol
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you Carol, Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.
Beth
Comment from UniversalWriter
That's right! When we find out the truth, our world tears us apart....Why it's that everything happens right under our nose? Is it because we're so naive or is it because we too kind.
We should go back and remember those great advices that are moms used to give up....It was all about for us to open our eyes and see the reality of life...Back then, we preferred to walk around with our eyes closed and bump to so many walls...I do remember those days.
Nice work and a powerful message.
Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
That's right! When we find out the truth, our world tears us apart....Why it's that everything happens right under our nose? Is it because we're so naive or is it because we too kind.
We should go back and remember those great advices that are moms used to give up....It was all about for us to open our eyes and see the reality of life...Back then, we preferred to walk around with our eyes closed and bump to so many walls...I do remember those days.
Nice work and a powerful message.
Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you so much for the review. I really enjoyed reading your insightful comments.
Beth
-
You're very welcome!
Comment from sk42rn
Beautiful and well written
I wonder how many missing children have experienced the same fate where people have kidnapped children that do not belong to them, but raised them as their own.
This is well written but sad in a true sense.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
Beautiful and well written
I wonder how many missing children have experienced the same fate where people have kidnapped children that do not belong to them, but raised them as their own.
This is well written but sad in a true sense.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you so much for the review and nice comment. I truly appreciate your input.
Beth
Comment from patmedium
Hey, Beth ... good luck with this one, dear ... it's a very clever use of the word list! (Thanks for the message on my profile page xxx much love. xxx) Pat.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
Hey, Beth ... good luck with this one, dear ... it's a very clever use of the word list! (Thanks for the message on my profile page xxx much love. xxx) Pat.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Hi Pat, It good to hear from you. I know you are busy. Thanks a million for the review and comments.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You did an excellent job with this poem. I have read a few contest entries this weekend. Yours is a strong contender. Good luck.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
You did an excellent job with this poem. I have read a few contest entries this weekend. Yours is a strong contender. Good luck.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you Barbara, I appreciate the review and comments. I've never won a frist place in the FanStory based contests so I don't expect it but thanks for saying it's a strong contender.
Beth
Comment from adewpearl
Beth, your poem has smooth, steady cadence, strong abab rhyming, and the story it tells packs a real emotional punch - and to top it all of, you wrote such an intense story poem while fitting in the required words from the contest challenge list - this is excellent. Good luck in the contest :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
|
Beth, your poem has smooth, steady cadence, strong abab rhyming, and the story it tells packs a real emotional punch - and to top it all of, you wrote such an intense story poem while fitting in the required words from the contest challenge list - this is excellent. Good luck in the contest :-) Brooke
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
-
Thank you for the comments on my poem. They mean a lot from a poet like you.
Smiles,
Beth
Comment from shariannegaylee
Great poem! You used the words given very well; however you made a couple of mistakes that were distracting. Also I have a few suggestions to make it flow a bit better.(I've been the editor of a college literary magazine in the past, so I hope you will take my criticism as intended--to make your poem the absolute best.) First stanza: "That shatter THEM (not him) apart." Third stanza "but WOULD also set me free" instead of "but also" (keeps the rhythm better). Fourth stanza: "Realizing HER life was on the WANE (not wain--misspelled! wane still rhymes). Fifth stanza: "Her voice was slow and weak COMMA" (not PERIOD, since what she says comes next); also the son did not "seek" this knowledge--the whole thing came as a shock to him--perhaps rewrite the entire line using a different rhyme for "weak". Sixth stanza: "You were kidnapped at AGE two" (better flow). Seventh stanza: "I hope that God will COMMA too." Final stanza is a bit cumbersome, especially the third line. Suggest "Lies revealed tear and shred,
And rip his world apart." Really good poem! Loved the imagery and the artwork you chose to accompany the poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
 |
Great poem! You used the words given very well; however you made a couple of mistakes that were distracting. Also I have a few suggestions to make it flow a bit better.(I've been the editor of a college literary magazine in the past, so I hope you will take my criticism as intended--to make your poem the absolute best.) First stanza: "That shatter THEM (not him) apart." Third stanza "but WOULD also set me free" instead of "but also" (keeps the rhythm better). Fourth stanza: "Realizing HER life was on the WANE (not wain--misspelled! wane still rhymes). Fifth stanza: "Her voice was slow and weak COMMA" (not PERIOD, since what she says comes next); also the son did not "seek" this knowledge--the whole thing came as a shock to him--perhaps rewrite the entire line using a different rhyme for "weak". Sixth stanza: "You were kidnapped at AGE two" (better flow). Seventh stanza: "I hope that God will COMMA too." Final stanza is a bit cumbersome, especially the third line. Suggest "Lies revealed tear and shred,
And rip his world apart." Really good poem! Loved the imagery and the artwork you chose to accompany the poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
-
Thank you for the review. A lot of your suggestions were really good and I used them. Some didn't work because I was keeping a consistant syllable count for better flow as I was taught in college poetry writing of this type. 8-6-8-6. was my format. Adding words would have thrown the rhythm off. I do appreciate your input.
Beth
Comment from LoveLifeKnight
oh this is a great poem and a clever way of tying all those words together. i got caught up in the story you told, and didnt even notice it was a contest entry.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
|
oh this is a great poem and a clever way of tying all those words together. i got caught up in the story you told, and didnt even notice it was a contest entry.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
-
Thank you so much for the great review and comments.
Beth
Comment from Belinda
What an interesting story you've described in this poem, Beth. Using required words, too. The truth the narrator knows today really tears his heart!
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
|
What an interesting story you've described in this poem, Beth. Using required words, too. The truth the narrator knows today really tears his heart!
Comment Written 27-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
-
Thank you Belinda, I'm so glad you found it interesting. I appreciate the review and nice comments.
Beth
