Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Hawk"One Man's Return From Hell
38 total reviews
Comment from Fireshadow
Bill, this is an extremely well crafted and researched narrative with excellent detailed technical and overall descriptions, as well as a strong dialogue. It supports and enhances the established plot and promotes interest in the reader to follow up on its further development. Very well done, my friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Bill, this is an extremely well crafted and researched narrative with excellent detailed technical and overall descriptions, as well as a strong dialogue. It supports and enhances the established plot and promotes interest in the reader to follow up on its further development. Very well done, my friend.
Ama
Comment Written 19-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Thank you for reading and your kind and gracious feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from nigai
Would you please get yourself published! You have stand up characters, excellent dialog and spot on forensics. Nice touch with the demolition. In ER we call the skin rash and picking "speed bumps"... Your intro helpIs the reader get up to speed and makes me curious to read more. Keep up the great writing, you may definitely have a new career/hobby, Nigai
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Would you please get yourself published! You have stand up characters, excellent dialog and spot on forensics. Nice touch with the demolition. In ER we call the skin rash and picking "speed bumps"... Your intro helpIs the reader get up to speed and makes me curious to read more. Keep up the great writing, you may definitely have a new career/hobby, Nigai
Comment Written 19-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much for your kind and generous feedback. They are much appreciated! Regards, Bill
Comment from TheWideSky
Great bit here! I love your style of writing, it has a very similar feel to McCarthy's 'No Country for Old Men'. One of my favorite down-to-earth, cold, visceral writers. Thanks for sharing and keep it up!
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Great bit here! I love your style of writing, it has a very similar feel to McCarthy's 'No Country for Old Men'. One of my favorite down-to-earth, cold, visceral writers. Thanks for sharing and keep it up!
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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That is quite a compliment! Thanks for reading and the great feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Bill, I need to apologize. I read this REALLY fast, so I didn't do my usual job of reviewing. I am so far behind that I am just now getting the 15th. Please accept my apologies.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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Bill, I need to apologize. I read this REALLY fast, so I didn't do my usual job of reviewing. I am so far behind that I am just now getting the 15th. Please accept my apologies.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2010
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I just appreciate you stopping by. I hope you are doing well. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from LumchuckHickle
I chose this to review at random. I don't think I've read any of the other chapters in this interesting work. (I read so many things. Sometimes I forget, so please forgive me if that's not accurate.) But, I'm just reacting to this little slice. Sometimes that leads to trouble because larger context illuminates. So, what I'm saying here (even before I read) is that you should take any criticism or suggestion I offer with a big lick of salt. I may not know what I'm talking about. Since I am going to read this, though, I want to give you my honest reaction, even if it does prove to be off base. You'll certainly be the judge.
You have a good, clear pose style. You write well. Your plot is complex and full of interesting events and details, many of which I only get a faint smell of here in this one section, but I can tell you've got a lot of interesting intrigue and action in this story. That's all well done. However, I think you have a base problem with the way you are telling your story. It mainly shows up in the dialogue, but it is there in other parts as well. I took some notes as I read, and the notes (below) will explain what I mean (at least I hope they will) better. Thanks for writing and posting this. It is an interesting story, and I enjoyed reading this slice of it. It certainly shows a lot of hard work and writerly attention.
Notes I took while reading: (1) "I don't know if you've ever lived in a small town before. Typically, you know everybody and everybody knows you." This is a little to nakedly explicative for my taste. It seems to be talking more to the reader than to the character it is addressed to. Such things are necessary in stories, I realize, but they are best buried as deeply in the text as possible, so deep the reader doesn't notice. The number one rule of pop fiction applies here: Show; don't tell. (2) "Well, it probably doesn't matter much because there's the Sheriff." This line helps save the dialogue just before it, which...again...was perilously full of explication. (3) "I didn't take offense at your initial reaction." This line seems particularly stiff to me. It doesn't sound much like the way people actually talk to each other in what is basically an informal situation. You also miss a chance here to give your character more color, to say things between the lines about the character. Consider the effect of this substitute for that line and the lines surrounding it: "No offense, Sheriff, and...hey...call me Dax, okay? You jumped that's all. I jump all the time. I'm a rush-to-judgment kind of guy. Guessing is part of the job, isn't it, sherriff? You were wrong, but it wasn't such a bad guess given the circumstances, was it? A pretty good one, really." (4) "I would hate to have some evidence thrown out because of a chain of custody problem." Again, this sounds like your character is talking to the readers not the other character. There are quite a few examples of this in the dialogue throughout, but I'll stop noting them. I've made my point. (5) "Dax nodded an affirmative" This is an odd way of describing a simple yes nod. (6) "The fire chief said the space was safe. With the back doors open and high roof, the explosion just rearranged stuff. He did leave a couple of dry chemical extinguishers if we need them." A whole lot of telling what could have been shown and made a lot more interesting thereby, at least to this reader's mind. (7) ""What you see is part of the device responsible for.." All of this is good telling, essential, and it works. What came just before it is (in my mind) "bad" telling, explication that should have been blended into the story through action and character-building dialogue. The difference? This section of your story truly illustrates it. Here you have a character who is actually teaching another character, providing detail in a way that experts do when talking to others, so the telling makes sense: this character telling the other character. Much of the other telling you've done here, it seems to me, is just a kind of way of sneaking information in, passing it to the reader while pretending it's the characters talking. I don't know if I've made this clear or understandable, but to me its the most important point I want to suggest to you. You prose is really much too heavy with this explication stuff. It deadens it, and it deadens your characters too and blends them together instead of differentiating them and giving them their own voices. It's not the amount of information that's at issue here. It's not that you give too much. It's just the way it is given. Again, too much naked talking to the reader disguised as character-to-character talk. TV shows (e.g. Law and Order) can get away with this because they move fast and the dialogue is rarely more than a sentence and because the medium provides a whole other level of visual input, but stories can't bear the weight of this stuff for long. A little bit is necessary, of course. You can't always slip it in completely unobtrusively through showing, but great swaths of your dialogue here seem to be weighted with this stuff. I don't know if this is helpful to you at this point, given that you've got a complex story going that you put a lot of development into, but I think it really does weigh down your writing. It's as though you are laying out a clever and detailed plot for the reader, but the plot should be shown. What the reader cares about...always...is the character. The reader wants to identify with the characters, to actually see them and be with them in the reader's mind's eye. All the explication you load into this dialogue really just interrupts that and pulls readers out of the characters, pulls them away from their dramatic empathy and the suspension of disbelief they need to maintain to truly enjoy and be part of the piece you are writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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I chose this to review at random. I don't think I've read any of the other chapters in this interesting work. (I read so many things. Sometimes I forget, so please forgive me if that's not accurate.) But, I'm just reacting to this little slice. Sometimes that leads to trouble because larger context illuminates. So, what I'm saying here (even before I read) is that you should take any criticism or suggestion I offer with a big lick of salt. I may not know what I'm talking about. Since I am going to read this, though, I want to give you my honest reaction, even if it does prove to be off base. You'll certainly be the judge.
You have a good, clear pose style. You write well. Your plot is complex and full of interesting events and details, many of which I only get a faint smell of here in this one section, but I can tell you've got a lot of interesting intrigue and action in this story. That's all well done. However, I think you have a base problem with the way you are telling your story. It mainly shows up in the dialogue, but it is there in other parts as well. I took some notes as I read, and the notes (below) will explain what I mean (at least I hope they will) better. Thanks for writing and posting this. It is an interesting story, and I enjoyed reading this slice of it. It certainly shows a lot of hard work and writerly attention.
Notes I took while reading: (1) "I don't know if you've ever lived in a small town before. Typically, you know everybody and everybody knows you." This is a little to nakedly explicative for my taste. It seems to be talking more to the reader than to the character it is addressed to. Such things are necessary in stories, I realize, but they are best buried as deeply in the text as possible, so deep the reader doesn't notice. The number one rule of pop fiction applies here: Show; don't tell. (2) "Well, it probably doesn't matter much because there's the Sheriff." This line helps save the dialogue just before it, which...again...was perilously full of explication. (3) "I didn't take offense at your initial reaction." This line seems particularly stiff to me. It doesn't sound much like the way people actually talk to each other in what is basically an informal situation. You also miss a chance here to give your character more color, to say things between the lines about the character. Consider the effect of this substitute for that line and the lines surrounding it: "No offense, Sheriff, and...hey...call me Dax, okay? You jumped that's all. I jump all the time. I'm a rush-to-judgment kind of guy. Guessing is part of the job, isn't it, sherriff? You were wrong, but it wasn't such a bad guess given the circumstances, was it? A pretty good one, really." (4) "I would hate to have some evidence thrown out because of a chain of custody problem." Again, this sounds like your character is talking to the readers not the other character. There are quite a few examples of this in the dialogue throughout, but I'll stop noting them. I've made my point. (5) "Dax nodded an affirmative" This is an odd way of describing a simple yes nod. (6) "The fire chief said the space was safe. With the back doors open and high roof, the explosion just rearranged stuff. He did leave a couple of dry chemical extinguishers if we need them." A whole lot of telling what could have been shown and made a lot more interesting thereby, at least to this reader's mind. (7) ""What you see is part of the device responsible for.." All of this is good telling, essential, and it works. What came just before it is (in my mind) "bad" telling, explication that should have been blended into the story through action and character-building dialogue. The difference? This section of your story truly illustrates it. Here you have a character who is actually teaching another character, providing detail in a way that experts do when talking to others, so the telling makes sense: this character telling the other character. Much of the other telling you've done here, it seems to me, is just a kind of way of sneaking information in, passing it to the reader while pretending it's the characters talking. I don't know if I've made this clear or understandable, but to me its the most important point I want to suggest to you. You prose is really much too heavy with this explication stuff. It deadens it, and it deadens your characters too and blends them together instead of differentiating them and giving them their own voices. It's not the amount of information that's at issue here. It's not that you give too much. It's just the way it is given. Again, too much naked talking to the reader disguised as character-to-character talk. TV shows (e.g. Law and Order) can get away with this because they move fast and the dialogue is rarely more than a sentence and because the medium provides a whole other level of visual input, but stories can't bear the weight of this stuff for long. A little bit is necessary, of course. You can't always slip it in completely unobtrusively through showing, but great swaths of your dialogue here seem to be weighted with this stuff. I don't know if this is helpful to you at this point, given that you've got a complex story going that you put a lot of development into, but I think it really does weigh down your writing. It's as though you are laying out a clever and detailed plot for the reader, but the plot should be shown. What the reader cares about...always...is the character. The reader wants to identify with the characters, to actually see them and be with them in the reader's mind's eye. All the explication you load into this dialogue really just interrupts that and pulls readers out of the characters, pulls them away from their dramatic empathy and the suspension of disbelief they need to maintain to truly enjoy and be part of the piece you are writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading. I did not find review helpful at all.
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You are welcome. Sorry you didn't find it useful.
Comment from livingwords
This is excellent writing. Good story, easy dialogue. One nit....shouldn't you use a comma before beginning dialogue. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't Very enjoyable. Dan :))
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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This is excellent writing. Good story, easy dialogue. One nit....shouldn't you use a comma before beginning dialogue. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't Very enjoyable. Dan :))
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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Hi Dan - thanks for reading. Yes, you should have a comma before dialog, unless you are following a period. I'll take a look, but this is something I would normally do routinely. Regards, Bill
Comment from Shirley McLain
Another great chapter. I now have questions about the sheriffs knowledge of crime scenes. The dialogue is excellent and your new character sounds very dangerous. Good job.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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Another great chapter. I now have questions about the sheriffs knowledge of crime scenes. The dialogue is excellent and your new character sounds very dangerous. Good job.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading and for your continued support, Regards, Bill
Comment from MS Writer
It is really an honor that I have to be reading the work that I find on this site. Descriptions make you feel that you are there. The research, I believe, was well done. In this type of work I think that research really makes is more readable. Loved this chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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It is really an honor that I have to be reading the work that I find on this site. Descriptions make you feel that you are there. The research, I believe, was well done. In this type of work I think that research really makes is more readable. Loved this chapter.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. First for reading and then your kind words. Regards, Bill
Comment from FredCollingwood
Oh, Bill. this is awesome. I'm giving you a long overdo sixer ... for this chapter and those that precede it. I love the ending line.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2010
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Oh, Bill. this is awesome. I'm giving you a long overdo sixer ... for this chapter and those that precede it. I love the ending line.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2010
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Thanks Fred - I always appreciate a six, but coming from someone I admire makes it even more special. Regards, Bill
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
This chapter is such a good one, the way the story develops is quite powerful. I specially liked the scene description and the ending.
well done, and keep writing
K
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2010
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This chapter is such a good one, the way the story develops is quite powerful. I specially liked the scene description and the ending.
well done, and keep writing
K
Comment Written 17-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading K - I haven't seen you on FS lately. Regards, Bill
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Sometimes, my work calls me and I have to go away with heavy heart, cuz i love fanstory..great to hear from ya:)
K