Strange Intruder
Flash fiction of stranger lurking in the shadows8 total reviews
Comment from Diascribe
Quote typos in the first sentence, so that's something to watch out for. Got a little lost at first and didn't get that "he" and "the intruder" were the same guy till I went back and read it. It also doesn't feel like a complete story. For flash-fiction, you generally want an opening and a close, where this feels episodic.
But those are just suggestions. Overall, a nice little story.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Quote typos in the first sentence, so that's something to watch out for. Got a little lost at first and didn't get that "he" and "the intruder" were the same guy till I went back and read it. It also doesn't feel like a complete story. For flash-fiction, you generally want an opening and a close, where this feels episodic.
But those are just suggestions. Overall, a nice little story.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you.
Comment from LumchuckHickle
I think your writing is quite good here but a little careless. Revision would improve it. That's why I gave you four instead of five stars. Let me give you a few specifics. You may not agree, but I thought you might be interested in one reader's reaction.
(1) Drat isn't a word that's easily hissed. You need something with a sibilant, like "Shit" for example if you want to use that excellent verb to hiss there.
(2) Words are at a premium in a flash fiction piece, and you've wasted some in your first paragraph. Consider this rearrangement instead. It saves a few words and doesn't (I think) reduce the tension or slightly slanted humor you are after in this story (or so it seems to me): "The intruder tripped over a trashcan [one word] lid...Steadying himself, he held his breath and...yard. Then he moved."
(3) "We have so much in common" and following - This doesn't work for me, especially given that it's an out-loud whine. If you are going to make him demented enough to think like this, you should make his speech less logical and more demented too. Or so it seems to me.
(4) Some extra words you could jettison from paragraph three: "guttural" also "An" and "rush" in "An adrenalin rush." Also: change "emerged from" to "burst through" and change "the dog house" to "a dog house"
(5) The last line doesn't quite work. I think you are trying to give us a bit of a surprise here, a suggestion that this is just a lonely or adventurous child, not a serious or dangerous intruder, but the last line...though it denudes the sense of danger...it doesn't sufficiently provide an understanding of the character. We're left not knowing if this was something to be tense about or just a bit of play. Maybe you intended that, but I find it unsatisfying.
All of this...or almost all...will not be relevant to you in the context you mention in your author's notes. Context makes much clear, and longer books don't have flash fiction word economy restrictions. Still, I thought you might care to think about some of these things since you've entered the piece in the flash fiction contest.
I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Your prose is fine. Don't be put off by my pedantic analysis. The writing is fundamentally sound. Thanks for posting it.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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I think your writing is quite good here but a little careless. Revision would improve it. That's why I gave you four instead of five stars. Let me give you a few specifics. You may not agree, but I thought you might be interested in one reader's reaction.
(1) Drat isn't a word that's easily hissed. You need something with a sibilant, like "Shit" for example if you want to use that excellent verb to hiss there.
(2) Words are at a premium in a flash fiction piece, and you've wasted some in your first paragraph. Consider this rearrangement instead. It saves a few words and doesn't (I think) reduce the tension or slightly slanted humor you are after in this story (or so it seems to me): "The intruder tripped over a trashcan [one word] lid...Steadying himself, he held his breath and...yard. Then he moved."
(3) "We have so much in common" and following - This doesn't work for me, especially given that it's an out-loud whine. If you are going to make him demented enough to think like this, you should make his speech less logical and more demented too. Or so it seems to me.
(4) Some extra words you could jettison from paragraph three: "guttural" also "An" and "rush" in "An adrenalin rush." Also: change "emerged from" to "burst through" and change "the dog house" to "a dog house"
(5) The last line doesn't quite work. I think you are trying to give us a bit of a surprise here, a suggestion that this is just a lonely or adventurous child, not a serious or dangerous intruder, but the last line...though it denudes the sense of danger...it doesn't sufficiently provide an understanding of the character. We're left not knowing if this was something to be tense about or just a bit of play. Maybe you intended that, but I find it unsatisfying.
All of this...or almost all...will not be relevant to you in the context you mention in your author's notes. Context makes much clear, and longer books don't have flash fiction word economy restrictions. Still, I thought you might care to think about some of these things since you've entered the piece in the flash fiction contest.
I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Your prose is fine. Don't be put off by my pedantic analysis. The writing is fundamentally sound. Thanks for posting it.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to review and comment. Most do not go to this length. I appreciate it.
Comment from redrider6612
This story has potential, but there is too much missing to be considered a complete tale. Also, the POV character can't be "the stranger" since he knows who he is.
Flash fiction needs to be tight with no wasted words, and this has a lot of words that need to be trimmed.
Suggestions:
"Drat," the stranger cussed as he tripped over a trash can lid.--this lacks punch for a couple reasons--"drat" isn't a cuss word and the reaction precedes the action; try: He tripped over a trash can lid. "Drat!" he hissed.--consider adding the way the sound clattered and echoed
[Steadying himself] he took a deep breath and surveyed the yard[. He determined he had not been discovered], and then moved closer to the house.--too wordy
Won't you two be surprised when you learn the truth?"--not a question
The outsider observed the couple from afar. Feelings of envy mixed with sadness and shame enveloped him. The man and woman inside were oblivious.--delete--this is all redundant
The stranger noticed Sampson and Goliath, a pair of intimidating Rottweiler guard dogs, about the same time the animals sensed him. In unison the twosome let loose a low guttural growl. They materialized through a doggy door and burst into the yard.--too wordy and not in chronological order
He leapt onto the dog house in front of the brick wall and used it to catapult his wiry frame to safety to the other side.--too wordy; try: He leapt onto the dog house and catapulted over the wall.
he silently snarled to Sampson and Goliath--how does one "silently snarl"?
There is a lot of potential here, it just needs some polish and fleshing out to make it stand out.
Feel free to PM me if you would like me to take another look. Best wishes int he contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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This story has potential, but there is too much missing to be considered a complete tale. Also, the POV character can't be "the stranger" since he knows who he is.
Flash fiction needs to be tight with no wasted words, and this has a lot of words that need to be trimmed.
Suggestions:
"Drat," the stranger cussed as he tripped over a trash can lid.--this lacks punch for a couple reasons--"drat" isn't a cuss word and the reaction precedes the action; try: He tripped over a trash can lid. "Drat!" he hissed.--consider adding the way the sound clattered and echoed
[Steadying himself] he took a deep breath and surveyed the yard[. He determined he had not been discovered], and then moved closer to the house.--too wordy
Won't you two be surprised when you learn the truth?"--not a question
The outsider observed the couple from afar. Feelings of envy mixed with sadness and shame enveloped him. The man and woman inside were oblivious.--delete--this is all redundant
The stranger noticed Sampson and Goliath, a pair of intimidating Rottweiler guard dogs, about the same time the animals sensed him. In unison the twosome let loose a low guttural growl. They materialized through a doggy door and burst into the yard.--too wordy and not in chronological order
He leapt onto the dog house in front of the brick wall and used it to catapult his wiry frame to safety to the other side.--too wordy; try: He leapt onto the dog house and catapulted over the wall.
he silently snarled to Sampson and Goliath--how does one "silently snarl"?
There is a lot of potential here, it just needs some polish and fleshing out to make it stand out.
Feel free to PM me if you would like me to take another look. Best wishes int he contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
thank goodness for doghouses positioned
in just the right place, eh? I imagine
Samson and Goliath could have done some
real damage to this intruder who was on
the outside looking in -- this has the
makings of a great prologue to a book
should you choose to expand it one
day
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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thank goodness for doghouses positioned
in just the right place, eh? I imagine
Samson and Goliath could have done some
real damage to this intruder who was on
the outside looking in -- this has the
makings of a great prologue to a book
should you choose to expand it one
day
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thanks for the generous review.
Comment from m-alexander
I think you had a good thing going until you introduced the dogs. I would have liked to see more of a hint as to what he was planning. The "Won't you two be surprised..." was a nice start. If you would've kept going with that and the stalking persona, it would have made it much stronger. The dogs detract from the main topic and simply drive away the interest of this mysterious menace.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I think you had a good thing going until you introduced the dogs. I would have liked to see more of a hint as to what he was planning. The "Won't you two be surprised..." was a nice start. If you would've kept going with that and the stalking persona, it would have made it much stronger. The dogs detract from the main topic and simply drive away the interest of this mysterious menace.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment from adewpearl
Steadying himself, he took - add comma
You do a great job of implying a lot while saying a little in this flash fiction - you convey a definite sense of danger and malevolence in this stalking stranger and such an ominous promise he makes to the guard dogs in the end. I love that he "silently snarls" the threat to return. Good visuals, too, of his lurking and running from the dogs. Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Steadying himself, he took - add comma
You do a great job of implying a lot while saying a little in this flash fiction - you convey a definite sense of danger and malevolence in this stalking stranger and such an ominous promise he makes to the guard dogs in the end. I love that he "silently snarls" the threat to return. Good visuals, too, of his lurking and running from the dogs. Brooke
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for reading and commenting. Not everyone seems to understand 'flash fiction', as they seem disappointed I didn't take this further. 200 words is 200 words. Thanks for understanding and telling me what worked for you.
Comment from RebelRose
Well written story with good, believable dialogue.
Very interesting write, good example of flash fiction.
Very good contest entry.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Well written story with good, believable dialogue.
Very interesting write, good example of flash fiction.
Very good contest entry.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much.
Comment from dportwood
author,
Well, this story could have ended a lot differently, but then there is the future for fulfillment of "I'll be back, next time I'll bring help."
Duane
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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author,
Well, this story could have ended a lot differently, but then there is the future for fulfillment of "I'll be back, next time I'll bring help."
Duane
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for reviewing and the generous star rating. He will be back too.
